Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Being subject to the local Christmas Music Superstation since about the day after Thanksgiving I've exceeded capacity for enjoyment of the yuletide hits. Now I'm in the phase of really listening to the lyrics and noticing some rather disturbing things. It seems some of the old standbys aren't as wholesome as we were led to believe. In fact, some of them advocate for the most grievous ills that plague our society today.
A few of the worst offenders:
The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
Rabid ageism.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two
Although its been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you
Now, I agree with denying the newborn segment Holiday greetings, they are barely sentient beings, it's just wasted breath. But what's up with an arbitrary standard for shafting the elderly? If you're 92, Merry Christmas. If you're 93, cram it with walnuts gramps.
Maybe it's foreshadowing of the kind of rationing to come under Obamacare. We can't afford these old people using up all the money we need to pay off the interest on our debts to the Chinese. Kids from one to, oh say, 62, Merry Christmas. 63 plus, don't forget you have an appointment with your district death panel on December 23.
From Generians.com, a short list of those who turned 93 this year and are officially uninvited from the Christmas party. Please restrict your Season's Greetings accordingly:
Actor Allan Arbus, announcer Don Pardo, baseball legend Bobby Doerr, journalist Mike Wallace, Nelson Mandela, evangelist Billy Graham, and radio personality Porky Chedwick (note to editors, we NEED to get him a Ricochet podcast).
To all of you, Christmas is over and it ain't coming back. Maybe you can look into Kwanzaa.
Holly Jolly Christmas
Sexual harassment
Oh ho the mistletoe
Hung where you can see
Somebody waits for you
Kiss her once for me
That's a request you don't hear every day. Hey, next time you and your lady are hooking up, whaddya say you find a way to work me into the mix? Who does this guy think he is, Herman Cain?
It reminds me of a scene from the holiday classic, The Jerk. Navin (Steve Martin) and Marie (Bernadette Peters) on their first date:
Navin R. Johnson: Do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me?
Marie: Well I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin: That's too bad. Do you think its possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him?
Marie: Who knows maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin: I'd be happy to be in there somewhere
The "kiss her once for me" request is especially weird coming from Burl Ives. He was born in 1909, making him a centegenarian (that is, if he weren't already dead). Perhaps this indicates the reason 92 was the proposed age cut-off for being offered a "Merry Christmas". Offering it to men beyond that age risks a sexual proposition in return.
Winter Wonderland
Social Inequality
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married? We'll say: No man.
But you can do the job when you're in town
"No, man"? Where is this meadow located, Haight-Ashbury?
The use of "man" as a vocative expression I assume to be yet another charming contribution to the culture from the 1960s. For example, the Five Man Electrical Band hit song, Signs: If God was here, he'd tell you to your face, man you're some kinda sinner.
And the ubiquitous greeting from the era: "Hey, man, give me some drugs!"
However, Winter Wonderland was written in an earlier era. You can't blame the dirty hippies. In fact, you can't really blame the filthy beatniks or the moderately soiled bobby soxers either. It predates all of them, with the song being written in 1934.
So, if baby boomer juvenile angst, challenging of authority, and drugs are ruled out, what is the source of "man" as an informal term of address? For that answer, we turn to my favorite book, "The Dictionary of Epithets and Terms of Address" by Leslie Dunkling. (BTW, if you really want to stick it to a buddy of yours, call them a "Leslie Dunkling".)
According to Dunkling (heh), the use of "man" in this way has a long tradition in the English language, going back at leas as far as James Joyce and Charles Dickens Excerpts from the Dictionary.
"A commonly used vocative by mainly working-class speakers, usually address to an adult male but in many varieties of English addressed also to women.
American speakers use the term more than British speakers of English, which may reflect interference from Spanish, where hombre is commonly used.
Black Americans and British speakers of Caribbean origins appear to use the word vocatively more than other groups, though is also very frequent in e.g., Wales and English regions such as Tynesdale.
Used by middle class speakers, "man" is often used by a socially or professionally superior to a junior, especially if the speaker is irritated with the hearer.
Well that explains that. The ancestor's of the couple in Winter Wonderland hailed from the aristocratic Tynesdale region, making them members of the privileged 1% They were offended by the impetuous question of a perceived inferior life form (snow person) and they put him in his place with a sharp answer. Put that in your pipe Frosty and smoke it!
Clearly the kinds of hatred evident in these songs has no place in America during the Age of Obama. I call on local radio stations to cease playing these songs and instead concentrate on the more wholesome, unifying Christmas carols that reflect our shared values.
That's it for me. I'll just sing a little from one on the approved list on my way out:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay
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Comments:
Oct '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Okay Ward, come clean: You're a sock puppet for Dave Berry. You made my Christmas a little merrier, I was laughing out loud.
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
This is wonderful.
Aug '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Hmm, and here I was thinking that "Santa, Baby" was the only one with serious creep potential...
More fool me, I guess.
("Santa Baby" is a particularly egregious offender, though, as it discriminates against Santas who aren't in the 1% -- a yacht and the deed to a platinum mine, for heaven's sake!)
Jul '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
I would suggest talk radio as an alternative, but on second thought you might hurt yourself. Or someone.
Ricochet, this day, discovers the first documented case of OCDD. Obsessive Compulsive Deconstructionist Disorder (Christmas Variant).
Of course, now that I am redacted and banned for casting aspersions on your sanity, Brian, the world may never know.
"Merrily we troll along, troll along, troll along/merrily we troll along all on a Christmas Eve!"
You're one of those Addamses what greets carolers with molten lead poured from the roof, too, aintchya?
Jul '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Midget Faded Rattlesnake: Hmm, and here I was thinking that "Santa, Baby" was the only one with serious creep potential...
More fool me, I guess.
("Santa Baby" is a particularly egregious offender, though, as it discriminates against Santas who aren't in the 1% -- a yacht and the deed to a platinum mine, for heaven's sake!)
It does not matter, Eartha Kitt (real name Catwoman, and way more woman than that Batman was ever ready for) was hypnotic in a hypersexual mode that Marilyn Monroe never dreamed of. Her Santa Baby, even played over a spotty AM tuning nightmare, is enough to cause straight males to experience stupefying rapture without the benefit of divine forgiveness. At least for 3 minutes 25 second.
Aug '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Sisyphus
It does not matter, Eartha Kitt (real name Catwoman, and way more woman than that Batman was ever ready for) was hypnotic in a hypersexual mode that Marilyn Monroe never dreamed of. Her Santa Baby, even played over a spotty AM tuning nightmare, is enough to cause straight males to experience stupefying rapture without the benefit of divine forgiveness. At least for 3 minutes 25 second.
Yeah, but these days, it's not the Eartha Kitt version you hear being piped into the grocery store or shopping mall, is it? It's the rendition by the latest bubblegum pop diva.
It's only a matter of time before we'll all hafta listen to Rebecca Black's cover of it 24/7 as soon as Thanksgiving -- make that Halloween -- is over.
Speaking of bubblegum pop divas, this parody is hilarious.
Edited on December 24, 2011 at 4:57pmApr '11
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
What a Srooge. You're harshin' my mellow man.
Apr '11
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
And on the subject of creepy songs, I don't know if anything beats Dean Martin trying to convince his late-night guest to sleep with him because Baby It's Cold Outside.
Jul '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Dude, this post is hysterical.
Well done.
Sep '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
"Through the years, we all will be together and if The Fates allow..." Wait. Aren't The Fates pagan goddesses? "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a pagan carol.
Aug '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Little known fact: "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" takes place at the mall.
JK!!!
Nov '10
Re: Merry Christmas? No Such Thing.
Excellent. You guys nailed it. All the creepiness in secular Christmas songs that had been bothering me too.
"He'll say are you married, we'll say no, man." Why not? Problem with traditional family values?
Way to go, Brian.