Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
I have been mulling this post for awhile. What I am going to say will likely cause quite a few folks to bristle, but here it goes: I honestly hope my kids marry (well) young and have many kids early.
I realize that is something of an anathema statement even to modern conservatives. But I truly feel that if the culture is to survive, we need to restore the inter-generational continuity of a half century ago.
I drank the post-sexual revolution Kool-Aid in college. I am as guilty of the mistake of waiting as anyone. I married at 30. I'm now 44 and I have a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old. I love them both more than words can express. I would have loved to have had more, but the waiting has now made that impossible for my wife for health reasons. We're considering adoption, but I am appalled at what a bizarre racket it is.
There are three things that make late child bearing/rearing out of sync (in my experience/opinion). First, kids demand a huge amount of energy and patience. I can't speak for others, but I know I now have less of both than I did in my twenties. I'll be pushing 60 when my first child gets out of high school, and over 60 when my youngest does.
Granted, 60 is much younger than it used to be (though the genetics of male longevity are not good for me), but the point stands. The arcs of life -- from childhood to young adulthood, and from adulthood to middle age -- are both still ascendant. Waiting until middle age to be a parent puts you and your children's arcs of life on different trajectories. Instead of both rising, one is rising as the other declines.
And don't have a small family. Have a large one, responsibly (i.e., don't exceed means, but don't put material wealth above sanguine wealth). Siblings prevent kids from becoming narcissists. We are creating children with wildly unrealistic perceptions of how much focus and attention they can expect in life. I firmly believe this sets them up for great disappointment, and potential failure later. We are also creating a barely replacement-level population if we limit ourselves to two children. We should have faith to invest in the human capital of the future.
The final dysfunction of the prevailing "wait to have kids" model is the diminishing overlap with grandparents' lives. My kids will never know my father (he died two years before my first was born). There is not a day that goes by that I do not lament that fact. Aaron Miller's recent post reinforces that this phenomenon is not unique to me.
I know the arguments against early marriage and child rearing -- go to school, get yourself financially established, etc. I fell for them too. Frankly, I think they are ridiculous. The vast majority of the world raises far larger families than we do on a fraction of our GDP. It is only materialist selfishness that made the prevailing ideology the norm. In fact, I find that worldview to be unabashedly liberal, not conservative. Delaying responsibility has only extended the infantile adolescence we all criticize. You want an adult civic populace? Give them adult responsibilities. There is no greater responsibility than having kids.
Now, I caveat all this with admonition that you must marry well. Both husband and wife must enter into the marriage contract with mutually-agreed visions, goals and beliefs. Deep and abiding faith (as distinct from going-through-the-motions denominational affiliation) is the most proven method for achieving this. If that is done, the gates of hell cannot prevail against what the couple and God will establish.
Here endeth the lesson.
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Comments:
Oct '10
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
What a perfect post. Above even your always high standard.
43 years of marriage to Linda, who I met in Bible college, we committed our marriage and our lives to Christ at that moment, had two children early (limited by Linda's health), raised them responsibly with a small income, had our disappointments even a few regrets, and now see them growing up as responsible adults. We now enjoy, sadly, at a distance, our five grandkids, and the oldest could possibly over the next few years make us great-grandparents.
Linda is a quadriplegic now, living her life in a power wheelchair, but together we are walking the same path towards God, never apart from His love, we live now in harmonious later years, I'm almost 70, and have had a lifetime filled with meaning.
Your advice could not be more succinct for this age, and many on Ricochet need to know and appreciate what you are saying.
And I agree, Brother Aaron Miller brings much of this truth to life with his posts.
Mar '11
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
There is nothing I can add to your words beyond wholehearted agreement, well said sir.
Jul '11
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Amen! As a youngish (53) grandmother of 4, I am thankful every day that our children followed our path.
Jun '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Thank you Raycon, Roberto and Kathy! I appreciate your support and comments. I respect greatly your opinions and am honored that you have chimed in.
Mar '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
CJ,
Enjoy your children, which will require spending time with them.
I would think you'll have the opportunity to coach them in Little or City League, remembering that kids grow into these things. My youngest son, as part of city league soccer team, stood in the field crying because he did not understand what he needed to do. He lettered as a soccer player, and was a team captain in his high school years. He came a long way, and we came all that way with him. Encouraged, but never berated.
Should you take the coaching challenge, you'll also have an influence on the other boys or girls on the team.
Of note, one of the other coaches I met had decided that it was not important for the boys of his team to win. Rubbish. When I coached, I divided the time up as evenly as possible, but told my team that the last two minutes were mine. I would put the best team on the floor if I needed that to win. I wanted them to excel and boys excel when they can compete against their peers. That is why we kept score.
Mar '11
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Married at 23, father at 24, never looked back. Now have 4 girls and regret nothing.
Had several college friends who did much the same, and I would say they are much happier than the others who put career and sheer finickiness first. One friend of mine is now 37 and wondering why he still is single - he never lacked for dating opportunities in college but for whatever reason he just kept punting.
Jun '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Thanks DT, I do as much with them as I can. I'm currently still in the ARNG so coaching is probably a bridge too far for now. But in a few years, absolutely. Would love to get active in scouting again too. For now we go to the parks and state forests together and just hike and play. My kids are lights in my life without equal. I know somewhere I did something right in God's book because he gave me them.
Jun '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
I should probably make express (though I hope it's clear from the post) that marrying "well" has nothing to do with your spouse's financial net worth, and having children responsibly is not code for contraception. The Catholic teaching on Natural Family Planning may be the most exquisitely beautiful explanation of the sacramentality of life ever posited.
Feb '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
CJS-
This is a wonderful post. And speaking as a mother of 3 I couldn't agree more. I had all of my kids before I was 23, and although I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I have 2 college graduates now and one just getting her feet wet in the world of post high school academia. My oldest is married to a wonderful man of God who is pursuing a role in the ministry and I absolutely adore...
and I'm looking foreward to being a hip, 'youngish' grandparent when they decide to start a family which I suspect will not be too much longer. (No pressure) But their kids will even know my parents who are just now reaching retirement.
But I have to stress that this was in no way my "plan". My plan, I suspect, would have me rich, famous and adored by throngs of people, most of whom I would never know. I am only speculating, but I have a hunch that later in life, when I look back on it all that I will be happy that 'my' plan isn't the one I followed.
Mar '11
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
It is a trap I know well. In this day and age it is so easy to believe that you have all the time in the world and then as the years begin to weigh one down you can only wonder at a younger self that let so many opportunities for joy pass by.
You can let that time squandered make you a bitter cynic or you can allow something of humility, wisdom and hope to enter your heart.
A harsh lesson.
Jun '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Natalie: CJS-
.... I had all of my kids before I was 23, and although I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I have 2 college graduates now and one just getting her feet wet in the world of post high school academia. My oldest is married to a wonderful man of God who is pursuing a role in the ministry and I absolutely adore...
and I'm looking foreward to being a hip, 'youngish' grandparent when they decide to start a family which I suspect will not be too much longer. (No pressure) But their kids will even know my parents who are just now reaching retirement.
But I have to stress that this was in no way my "plan". My plan, I suspect, would have me rich, famous and adored by throngs of people, most of whom I would never know. I am only speculating, but I have a hunch that later in life, when I look back on it all that I will be happy that 'my' plan isn't the one I followed. · 2 hours ago
Beautiful family! Thank you Natalie!
Jun '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Roberto
It is a trap I know well. In this day and age it is so easy to believe that you have all the time in the world and then as the years begin to weigh one down you can only wonder at a younger self that let so many opportunities for joy pass by.
You can let that time squandered make you a bitter cynic or you can allow something of humility, wisdom and hope to enter your heart.
A harsh lesson. · 2 hours ago
God always abides, and turns the sorrow to joy. You are correct, it is never too late to say yes to His will. You are a wise fellow, Roberto.
Apr '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
If parents are in late thirties when children born, grandparents are probably in early sixties. No one has the energy they did ten years younger. Children in twenties, parents in late fifties, early sixties, grandparents in eighties if not dead.
From what I am seeing, people may live longer but most in poor health. Medical profession keeping them alive long past when they ought to have "shuffled off this mortal coil" as Shakespeare said so long ago. Blood thinners, etc., joint replacements imparting constant pain, serial operations, not a pretty sight.
Everyone in denial! Indeed, a harsh lesson, Roberto! Hope the next generation learns the lesson and acts on it. Glad I did it differently.
Mar '11
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
I was thrilled that my oldest daughter not only knows her grandparents (all still alive), but met 3/4 of her great-grandmothers. One of her great-grandmothers (maternal) is still alive and strong too, and it's a blessing when we can have 4 generations together in one room.
Red Feline: If parents are in late thirties when children born, grandparents are probably in early sixties. No one has the energy they did ten years younger. Children in twenties, parents in late fifties, early sixties, grandparents in eighties if not dead.
From what I am seeing, people may live longer but most in poor health. Medical profession keeping them alive long past when they ought to have "shuffled off this mortal coil" as Shakespeare said so long ago. Blood thinners, etc., joint replacements imparting constant pain, serial operations, not a pretty sight.
Everyone in denial! Indeed, a harsh lesson, Roberto! Hope the next generation learns the lesson and acts on it. Glad I did it differently. · 11 hours ago
Apr '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
How young is young? In my mind the biggest problem is contraceptives (and the anti-child mentality that goes along with them). Absent those, you don't need to marry too young, although women at least will be well advised to get started in their twenties, assuming that is possible. I married at 27, and I appreciate having been able to finish my education (although I only really finished after my marriage) and travel the world. But, my mother married at 19, and got her doctorate and traveled the world after her kids grew up.
There are multiple ways to do it, and they all have their advantages. If you meet a wonderful person when you're 23, don't delay just because you want a few more years to have fun! But if you don't, you shouldn't become desperate or mope the years away just because you're not married yet. I know a woman who married at 31 and ended up with 8 children. Just saying'.
Mar '11
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Agree with you on both points. The friend to whom I referred held out primarily out of a silly misplaced sense of womanly perfection and not wanting to be "tied down". He got his wish I suppose on one point anyway.
My wife and I do have college friends who waited (or were delayed) - such is life - but they did so for the right reasons.
Rachel Lu: How young is young? In my mind the biggest problem is contraceptives (and the anti-child mentality that goes along with them).
There are multiple ways to do it, and they all have their advantages. If you meet a wonderful person when you're 23, don't delay just because you want a few more years to have fun! But if you don't, you shouldn't become desperate or mope the years away just because you're not married yet. I know a woman who married at 31 and ended up with 8 children. Just saying'. · 0 minutes ago
Apr '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
In my Scottish culture - now seems long, long ago :-) - the thinking was get married before 25, have children between 25 - 30. After 30 more risk of physically challenged children. Best to get married, to an unselfish, kind person, in a monogamous, committed relationship, for companionship and support through the unpredictable ups and downs of life, and the joys of children. Otherwise end up lonely, old person!
From what I've seen of life, this was good advice and I am glad of it. At my stage in life, having had a fabulous life, seen and achieved a lot, what I treasure is my family. The rest was fulfilling, but my family is my joy and my delight.
Mar '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Life is a gift. It is a gift intended to be passed along. All the data suggests that a child/children growing up with a male dad and a female mom who are committed to each do the best. They see masculinity, feminity, and a collaberation between those two people.
My parents were an umbrella over us. Safety, love, trust, expressions of affection, breakfast/lunch/dinner, clean clothes and clean sheets, a series of actions binding us together as a family, headed and hearted by my father and mother. I had a wonderful example.
I also saw my father die when his wife died. He worked to maintain us but his heart was gone in a quite literal sense. He never gave up, but more than half of him was missing. He really never recovered. He moved on with a hole in him that never closed.
What is the masculine without the feminine?
What is a husband without a wife?
What is a father without a mother?
What are children when one parent is missing?
I am fortunate. My wife is here and my children had the benefit of her person and love all their lives.
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
I am already laying the groundwork with my children so that they will see marriage and many children as a great blessing. I tried to get married young (in college, in fact) but it didn't work out. I still agree with this post -- if you can, marry young and well and have children early and responsibly. I am still hoping for more children but I wish I'd been able to start younger.
Apr '12
Re: Marry Young (and Well), Have Many Children Early (But Responsibly)
Of course, one reason people marry and/or start families later is so they can be more financially stable and established in careers. This is a real concern; money isn't everything to be sure, but young people today have a harder time of it than their parents did, and financial instability puts a lot of stress on families. Raising five or six kids on one modest salary is pretty hard, even if it's a secure job, which so many aren't these days. I go into more details (shameless plug) about some of my thoughts and suggestions on this topic in this thread.