Marriage Advice from the Media
Permit me to nominate a candidate for sick article of the century. Admittedly, a lot of sick articles hit the internet and the magazine racks in course of a hundred years, but this one has to be up there with the best. Entitled “Are you stuck in a semi-happy marriage?”, the piece in fact raises the question whether marriage provides people with sufficient excitement, and the author it quotes suggests jazzing things up by sleeping in separate bedrooms or sleeping with other persons.
Those of us blessed with a marriage we consider far better than “semi-happy”—a state of affairs yours truly does not attribute to personal desert—are I think less likely give credit to an endless supply of the serendipitous, than to what my husband calls “a common project.” In most cases, that project is children. For some people, artistic or philanthropic work may serve that purpose. In any event, the husband and wife direct their efforts outside of themselves.
I do not mean to suggest that the household should revolve around the children. Parents should try to give their children what they need, not everything they want, and our offspring do not need to think that the world revolves around them. Children do need to understand that their parents care about each other, and sometimes that involves a little time for each other.
What I do mean is we do not derive fulfillment, as the article suggests, from self-gratification—a fruitless effort to stave off boredom. Marriage provides a space in which self-giving can bear fruit, and there is more fulfillment to be had in giving than in taking.
Any thoughts out there?
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Comments :
Apr '11
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Precisely. Well put.
I'd read the article, but I'm going to be busy sticking a 'couple No. 2 pencils in my ears.
As someone who is single and wishes very much to be married, that sort of attitude is doubly infuriating. Utter cluelessness.
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Greetings Mrs. Rahe!
I wonder if some people's disillusionment with marriage stems from their worldview. I have heard so many people --including Christians who've clearly not read page one of the Westminster Catechism-- express that they believe the purpose of life is to "find happiness." In college, whenever discussions would tend toward the existential, many students said that what they wanted most in life was "to be happy."
Nothing wrong with happiness, but when that's your chief aim in life, I can see where you might run into some serious disillusionment when the actions you took with the belief that they'd bring you happiness turn out to yield hard work or even suffering at points. It's hard to see how anyone with such a self-centered worldview could have a "happy marriage" with anyone.
Dec '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
I look at it with a work analogy. Although I am not happy every day at my job I am always very grateful to be gainfully employed. It's much the same with my marriage. Wedded bliss accounts for much of the time I've been blessed with my wife, but not all. The bad days at work are the ones where I don't feel like I'm contributing to the cause, and the same applies to marriage. It's not what I get out of either that makes me happy, gratified, or fulfilled; rather, it is what I put into them that produce the benefits that the article seems to fully miscomprehend.
Apr '11
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
To my mind, happiness is a result of right action, not a goal.
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Michael Patrick Tracy
To my mind, happiness is a result of right action, not a goal. · Jun 9 at 12:59pm
This sounds about right to me, but there are also a lot of times when circumstances outside of your control bring seasons of grief, sorrow, and suffering. If the point of life is to be happy, then things like mourning and suffering have no purpose.
Jun '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
As it happens, I was chatting with a married, female neighbor in my yard this weekend & the conversation turned to Weinergate. Is there a better example of a strange need to look outside a marriage for excitement?
We were both astounded that there is a woman alive on the planet who would actually be aroused, or in any way interested in, creepy pictures of a man's private parts. My husband was also in the yard, varnishing a door that he had stripped of old paint as part of a larger house project. Husbands finishing house projects = porn for wives. Talk about exciting.....
Hosehold chores, child rearing, and pitching in to handle everyday life challenges as a team are all part of the "project" that is marriage. I think the comfort & trust level established when you have each other's back when handling the more burdensome tasks enables you to truly enjoy time and pleasurable hobbies together.
May '11
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
I wonder if some people's disillusionment with marriage stems from their worldview. I have heard so many people --including Christians who've clearly not read page one of the Westminster Catechism-- express that they believe the purpose of life is to "find happiness." In college, whenever discussions would tend toward the existential, many students said that what they wanted most in life was "to be happy."
Nothing wrong with happiness, but when that's your chief aim in life, I can see where you might run into some serious disillusionment when the actions you took with the belief that they'd bring you happiness turn out to yield hard work or even suffering at points. It's hard to see how anyone with such a self-centered worldview could have a "happy marriage" with anyone. · Jun 9 at 12:22pm
Very nicely put!
Dec '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
"Another recent Pew study found that Millennials (people age 18 to 29) say they think that being a good parent is way more important than having a good marriage."
What's sad is that the people of that generation think that the two things are independent of each other.
Jun '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Excellent post. One of the most troubling aspects of modern life is the idea that once a marriage gets difficult (and they all do), it's time to bail out.
Marriage is hard work, but the return is very high if you stick it out. Having helped raised some children who have turned into honorable adults, I can say that the "common project" of raising children is the most satisfying thing I've ever done. Was it fun? Some of the time--and at other times it was a royal pain.
For most adults, having children ends their days of self-absorption, and that is a good thing.
I've always the sentence by Peter DeVries: "“The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.” It doesn't happen in every case, but it happens a lot.
Nov '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Diane Ellis, Ed.
If the point of life is to be happy, then things like mourning and suffering have no purpose.
Brilliantly put. Of all the things that most need to be taught (particularly to children) today -- what with "self-esteem" being our national obsession -- it is probably this.
Mar '11
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Happiness is the byproduct of a good life. Like honor, it cannot be secured by direct means.
Sep '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
1. Getting pregnant is a selfish act. Thereafter, a parent's principal job is the raising of a successful child. So I guess it's MHO that households must revolve around children.
2. If my children are happy when they reach maturity - say, 45 or 50 years old - then I will die a happy man. In other words, in the end, happiness is what counts.
Sep '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Is it happiness, or contentment? Happiness comes and goes in life, but I can be content in all things. Content through sorrow, content through suffering, and content in happiness.
Marriages go through cycles, through highs and lows. But through it all, if me and my spouse are content, we can take on almost anything. The pursuit of happiness arises out of discontentment.
Edited on Jun 10, 2011 at 9:47amDec '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
Patrick in Albuquerque: 1. Getting pregnant is a selfish act. Thereafter, a parent's principal job is the raising of a successful child. So I guess it's MHO that households must revolve around children.
2. If my children are happy when they reach maturity - say, 45 or 50 years old - then I will die a happy man. In other words, in the end, happiness is what counts. · Jun 10 at 7:15am
Unfortunately, you won't be able to tell if your kids are happy at maturity because they will still be worried about your grandkids making it to a happy maturity. Better to equip your kids with the tools to make their way in life and to raise their own children right, and then die with the hope that you have prepared them well and set them on the right path.
May '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
No, that is erotica for wives. Porn is watching HGTV, which, BTW, was also largely responsible for the housing-instigated financial crisis.
Aug '10
Re: Marriage Advice from the Media
I dunno... Is getting pregnant a selfish act?
Sometimes it is. But always?
There are so many differing reasons why women bear children, after all. (Of course, if by "selfish act", you mean that reproduction is the goal of the "selfish gene", I won't argue with that -- so far as it goes -- but that's taking an awfully reductive view of human life and civilization.)