Making Your Way in the World Today ...
... takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?*
Yeah, but is plastic surgery the answer?
I don't doubt it is tempting. Being in elementary school with some physical "flaw" can be torturous. Here are a few "worries" I know about that caused serious pain to loved ones in childhood: buck teeth, crossed eyes, a limp, a stutter, a facial mole. I'm sure you folks can add to this list.
As a parent, I can't imagine the pain of listening to my child come home crying, day after day, about abuse -- subtle, overt, cyberspacial -- because of some physical difference. My daughter has Down syndrome. In a bizarre way, I'm glad her cognitive challenges will make the discovery of any such abuse a little less likely, a little less stinging. I think she'll sense it, but I don't expect it to crush her. Thank God. Truly. I thank God.
But it happens. It's happening in my older daughter's school right now. I've witnessed it. A certain classmate is being routinely and deliberately mocked for a physical quality that she has no control over. They are imitating it. Laughing about it. Using it as a weapon. If she says she doesn't want to play tag with her classmates, they imitate her. If she asks for a pencil, they mock her. If she gets an answer correct, they mimic her.
I don't doubt the pain of both child and parent in such cases. I can actually see the child I know looking perpetually frightened these days. Sallow. Sad. She's 6. So, I get it. My stomach hurts for this family.
I speak with my daughter about this behavior. I point out how hurtful it is. How awful she must feel. But the victim is not my child, so there's a limit to how involved one can become. And anyway, every family must deal with these issues in their own way.
One family from South Dakota has opted to deal with classroom bullying through plastic surgery. From the article above:
Samantha, who will have her otoplasty on April 5, isn't the only child to undergo cosmetic surgery because of bullying. Statistics from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery show that the number of children and teens who get cosmetic surgery increased nearly 30 percent over the past decade. Experts believe an increase in bullying behavior is one reason for the upward trend.
I'd like to think that I'd take a different road if it happened to one of my little ones. That I'd tell them that God makes us all in His image, that he made us this way for a reason, that he wouldn't give us a burden He didn't think we could handle. The world is not about appearances, I'd say. Someday, you will see this. Someday, others will see past whatever it is that seems to be defining you at this moment. Give it time. It will get better. This, I would promise.
What would you say?
*From the Cheers theme song
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May '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Homeschool -- the child will be out in public enough, and have to deal with enough idiots to get toughened up. But they won't have to endure a 5 day a week, 13 year regime of it.
Downs Syndrome -- Based on my experience with our blind, developmentally disabled daughter, there was a point at which she really grasped that she was not like the other kids, she was not going to get a driver's license, she was not going to go to college (or into the military which is what her siblings did). It was a tough half a year while she adjusted to the reality of her life. Something like that may happen with Downs Syndrome children as they transit from being special needs children to special needs adults. You'll get through it, just be prepared so you don't get blindsided.
Aug '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
My older kids are going through orthodontics now which is nothing to do with bullying but I guess it does involve altering their appearance through medical means for aesthetic reasons. If any of them had a port-wine stain or prominent birthmark I think we would pursue medical treatment for their sakes, not to keep bullies quiet, although that might be a bonus.As against that,surgery to "improve" some minor perceived flaw should be left to adults.By the way,6 seems a bit young for bullying, assuming the perpetrators are of similar age to the victim. I can't recall my 5 year old daughter having any such stories about kids in her class( pity the child, boy or girl, that would try it on with my baby-she bullies us all at home!).
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Nick Stuart: Homeschool -- the child will be out in public enough, and have to deal with enough idiots to get toughened up. But they won't have to endure a 5 day a week, 13 year regime of it.
Downs Syndrome -- Based on my experience with our blind, developmentally disabled daughter, there was a point at which she really grasped that she was not like the other kids, she was not going to get a driver's license, she was not going to go to college (or into the military which is what her siblings did). It was a tough half a year while she adjusted to the reality of her life. Something like that may happen with Downs Syndrome children as they transit from being special needs children to special needs adults. You'll get through it, just be prepared so you don't get blindsided. · Apr 4 at 5:45pm
All good points, Nick. Thanks.
Apr '11
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Thank you, Ursula, for this compassionate and thought-provoking post, which brings up something that I have been wondering about. The article you quote refers to "an increase in bullying behavior." I have heard several other news stories that similarly make note of the increase in school-age bullying. I am curious about this increase: is it perceived or real? Why would bullying necessarily be increasing in the 21st century? Is it simply being reported and/or noticed more often than in the past, or is there really more of it? Does the internet have something to do with it? I do not have children, so my perspective on this is quite limited. I look forward to any insight that Ricocheters might be able to provide.
Oct '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
My completely unscientific and fact-free suspicion is that (a) 'bullying' has been defined-down and (b) there has been put in place a giant bureaucracy to measure and monitor such things, where 20, 30, 40 years ago there was no such thing.
Having said that, I really wonder whether the 19th century practice of herding together children of the same age-group for the purposes of education really achieves anything except a sort of mass-production organisational tidiness. It can hardly be to do with real socialisation, because once you leave the Education System one's peers are selected by anything other than age-group.
Jan '11
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
What ever happened to the precept: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you?"
Is that a silly, naive question? Is its sociological value no longer useful?
If so, God help us all...
Dec '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
I have no problem with plastic surgery. To me changing your body is no different that changing your hair style or your clothes. That said I can not condone plastic surgery for children unless you are fixing some kind of gross deformity. I think it teaches the child the horrible lesson that you should change yourself to make other people like you better and it assumes that the children will magically stop making fun of her after the surgery. They won't. They will find something else or make fun of her for getting the surgery.
You want to make your kid bully proof? Enroll them in a children's martial art program. I am not joking. If you are struggling with this, please just go to a dojo and talk to the parents there. I was fat, black(one of only 3), at the lower income bracket, and the only new comer to a group that had been going to school together since elementary school. Without the confidence(and on rare occasions the skills) of martial arts I don't know that I would have made it. As it was, after an initial rough start I had a blast.
Dec '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Children are and always have been monsters. Today we have fewer good parents teaching their children how to be actual human beings and they growing stigma against self-protection means there are fewer people willing to use physical force to stand up for themselves. Less moral guidance at home + less threat of any actual repercussions for saying mean things = more bullying.
Jun '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
I think bullying has increased because, as Nyadnari states, parents have dropped the ball on teaching proper behavior and encouraging empathy. Add in the new technologies that just open the gate to new ways to bully and you have a disaster.
I would absolutely have my children's ears fixed, or teeth straightened, or huge facial birthmark removed if needed. I don't see anything wrong with fixing a physical problem that is so far from the norm as to be distracting. Some people enter a room and you don't immediately see their face --- you see a pair of huge, protruding ears, for example. Now, the difference between an empathetic person and a jerk is that the empathetic person takes the time to get past the ears. But not everyone will. Why not have a simple procedure to pin them back?
Bullying impacts kids differently. My daughter is very confident and I have been told she would fearlessly defend more vulnerable kids against bullying. My son is much more mellow in disposition & was a target at times. We had to role play with him how to handle it. I am quite sure he suffered in silence sometimes.
Apr '11
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Thanks, genferei, Nyadnar, and Sticker, for your insightful comments. I am sure each of your points explains part of the larger picture. I can barely imagine a school bullying situation escalating to the point where plastic surgery would be the best option/response. Heartbreaking.
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
My brother has huge ears and was tormented about them throughout his childhood by his own peers and even kids 4 or 5 years older. He grew thick skin pretty quickly, though. When kids would ask him if he was going to fly home from school with his "Dumbo ears," he'd snap back a witty retort that would leave the bully dumbfounded.
I remember my parents discussing whether or not to get his ears pinned back, but they ultimately decided not to. And now that my brother is in his 20's I don't think he wishes he'd have gotten his ears pinned back as a youngster. They're a pretty wonderful enhancement to his face.
Apr '11
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Ursula, I joined Ricochet just so I could comment on this post. My boys have Asperger's Syndrome. This "lite" form of autism produces more social problems for its sufferers than standard autism, because the kids look normal but don't act normal. If my kids were drooling or wearing helmets, they'd get a lot more tolerance.
There are two modes of interaction we have with disabled people in our society: "Why can't you be just like everyone else," and a surfeit of pity at a level seemingly mandated by the ADA. There doesn't seem to be a lot of support for having high standards of behavior coupled with a bit of extra tolerance for not being able to meet the standards if it's due to the disability.
When my boys are made fun of at school, I respond with "I can't believe there are parents out there who teach their kids that this is an acceptable way to talk to people. Are they being raised in a barn?" Probably the parents don't know their kids do it, but it makes my kids feel like the bullies are the ones that are freaks.
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Wow, I'm honored that you joined and commented, WH! A million welcomes.
I have taught a few students with Asperger's and have done some graduate study work on it. I'd love to hear more about your experiences as a parent.
At any rate, I couldn't agree more with the statement I bolded above. On the money! I am lucky that my daughter's current teacher is a gem and has her own special needs child. But I know future teachers may not hold her to certain behavior/politeness standards while allowing more flexibility in only those areas where her disability impacts her. Great points, WH. Thanks again for joining.
Dec '10
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Nyadnar17
Children are and always have been monsters. . · Apr 5 at 6:46am
Just children? Seems to me we had a post on this site making fun of a person because of her appearance. I’ll be the first to admit that the subject is a horrible person, but attacks on a person based on physical appearance should be against the CoC.
Apr '11
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Ursula Hennessey
I have taught a few students with Asperger's and have done some graduate study work on it. I'd love to hear more about your experiences as a parent.
Not having done any formal study in Asperger's, and having only my heart and a few books to follow, I'm sure you know a lot about it that I don't, but I'd be happy to share what I do know. I'm just not sure how that works on Ricochet, whether I should make a post or if there's a way to talk privately without boring everyone else, or what. Can someone please guide me?
Re: Making Your Way in the World Today ...
Wacky Hermit
Ursula Hennessey
I have taught a few students with Asperger's and have done some graduate study work on it. I'd love to hear more about your experiences as a parent.
Not having done any formal study in Asperger's, and having only my heart and a few books to follow, I'm sure you know a lot about it that I don't, but I'd be happy to share what I do know. I'm just not sure how that works on Ricochet, whether I should make a post or if there's a way to talk privately without boring everyone else, or what. Can someone please guide me? · Apr 5 at 7:28pm
Hi, WH! The site architects are working on a messaging system. Should be ready soonish. Until then, I'll look for a way to post something that will draw out some of your experiences/knowledge. It is Autism Month, after all ... Stay tuned :)