Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Lynn Bateman wrote a moving post last week.
Her courage inspired me to share the other side of the story – I am the baby.
No, I am not the child she lovingly carried and gave up for adoption, but I am the baby that someone in similar circumstances carried and gave up for adoption. To all on Ricochet who ever considered or has friends, family, or loved ones that are considering adopting, but mostly for Mom – this post is for you.
History
I was born in 1967 when children out of wedlock wasn’t cool and abortion was still taboo. What little I know about my biological parents is that they were college students. She was in music and they were German and Italian, but I don’t know who was from where. They were studying in the Northwest.
Consistent with the times she "went away to study" for a year. Apparently that is how it was handled then. My biological Mother lived with family in San Francisco while she was pregnant.
The adoption was arranged through an attorney before I was born. My Mom explains that one of the reasons it went through was my Italian bloodline and my Father is second generation Italian. That seems shallow now, but then it was apparently important. My Father and I do share some Italian resemblance, but Mom and I look nothing alike. I used to hear jokes growing up that I looked like the milkman or mailman.
My parents (I don’t make the distinction about biological vs. adoptive because Love makes parents) couldn’t have children. I don’t know why, I don’t care, and it doesn’t matter why they couldn’t have children. They divorced when I was three and I grew up with Mom and Grandmother in St. Louis. I am an only child.
Mom told me I was adopted around the time I turned 9, 4th grade. First I thought it was cool because I was chosen. The highlights of the story for those considering adoption:
Love Makes Parents – Not Biology
My Mom is Mom and Dad is Dad because they love me and she raised me. We don’t share any genes and I don’t care because love makes parents, not biology. If you are considering adoption and concerned that your child may be distant or disconnected, just love them with all your heart. God gave you and a child a special opportunity; cherish it and honor Him and the rest will follow. Never doubt the power of love.
Ladies – if you are concerned that you will not have that ‘bond’ with your adopted child because you didn’t carry them, perish the thought. If you love them with all your heart nobody will ever know the difference.
But What If They Ask
I was curious about my biological parents, at different times for different reasons.
When I was growing up and hitting adolescence my buddies started to look like their Dads and I wondered what my biological Father looked like and what I was going to look like. Thankfully, he must have been dashingly handsome or, at least, he was in my mind.
Later my curiosity became more practical as it related to family medical history – I have none. I don’t know if anything runs in my family or if I am at risk of anything. This is especially bothersome in that I have no guidance to give my daughter.
Genetics vs. Biology
This part still interests me. From the day I could speak, the first word was airplane and that was all I cared about – flying. No one in my family had a pilot’s license, but I was/am nuts for airplanes. I was also the first college graduate in my family and went on to get a Master’s Degree.
My Mom was very traditional, loving, and stable and we have a solid family. We are mostly blue collar, always working, getting by, and doing the best we can. How and why there was such a fire lit under me raises the question of genetics vs. biology, but nothing as crazy as Trading Places.
Just remember – Love makes parents, not biology.
Getting In Touch
Other than the aforementioned curiosity I have never been interested in finding my biological parents or meeting them. I Love them and hope the best for them.
I have a friend – SB - who is adopted and she is an only child. She is younger than me and her adoption was through a state regulated agency. She contacted the agency after she was 21 and was allowed to correspond with her biological mother through the agency, I think similar to Lynn’s story.
SB found out she had a half sister and she worked to find out more about her. It is a great story. I was always curious/jealous of my friends who have siblings and if I found out I had brothers or sisters I would be more curious to find them than my biological parents.
One note about SB’s situation – she has only confided this in me and a few others. Her parents do not know and I share her fear that her parents would be traumatized if they found out about her trying to find her biological parents. I don’t have advice on how to handle this part of the equation, just remember: Love makes parents.
Pro-Life
Yes I am, both by birth and choice. My daughter was born out of wedlock, her Mother and I discussed the options and I am proud that we did. My daughter just turned 15, plays tackle football (a whole other post), made the honor roll for the first time, and hit me up to pay for her driver’s ed classes because she brought her grades up. Deal.
I don’t know that I am any more militant pro-life because of my history or my daughter. I just have a unique perspective.
First Hand Advice
If you or anyone you know are considering adopting and have questions or concerns PM me and I am glad to make time to share my side of the story.
Adoption – it is a choice.
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Comments:
Nov '11
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
My wife and I are both adopted, as are my brother and brothers-in-law (we like to say adoption runs in the family).
I have no knowlege of my biological parents, but feel extremely blessed that I was raised by my adoptive parents. Better, more loving, parents would be hard to find.
Mar '11
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Thanks for sharing.
It heartens me to see that so many people on Ricochet feel comfortable enough to share such personal stories with people they have (mostly) never met.
May '10
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Wonderful story. Thank you for sharing. My two sisters were adopted at birth. My parents were told they couldn't conceive and decided to adopt, then I came along! We moved to a different state when I was an infant, so people didn't know unless we told them. We didn't keep it a secret, but it wasn't obvious, and adoptions weren't that common. My sisters had a hard time during their teens, and I think some of it had to do with abandonment issues. They've never sought out their biological parents to my knowledge. What's interesting is that though we are from different biological mothers, we have so many of the same mannerisms. Nurture is a big factor. Adoption is a wonderful choice, but I wish it were easier to adopt.
Oct '10
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Thanks. We do not share your story, but our daughter had two children before she settled down and grew up. Her first, a girl, still struggles because her mothers husband only marginally accepts her. The second, a boy, is Sarah's husband's child.
Life is a mess, and God brings sense to it. We have quit trying to figure this stuff out. A kid is a kid. Love them and give them all the love you can. When it gets messy, rest in God. He is no stranger to the mess we have made for ourselves.
You have our love and prayers. You have made a life where too many surrender to the worst of choices.
Thanks, Brent. We give our hearts to you.
Sep '10
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Beautifully done, Brent. And that was a treat to read on this cold Friday night.
Dec '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Hell of a post young man, actually always look forward to reading your comments. God bless your mom and dad for raising a great American. Stay in the fight, never give in and never give up.
Jun '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
A day after you won the worst poster award you have to write something like which makes me having to dry my keyboard with tissue.
But seriously, thanks for writing this. To think that 55 million babies were aborted in the last 40 years in this country alone and yet the March of Life ( God bless Mama Toad marching in this cold) is not deserving of media coverage is utter absurdity. And reading Elizabeth Williams' evil justification to murder couched in nobility is beyond fury.
For now, I am just going to revel in your true love story and admire your good looks your biological mother courageously saved for the world. I have wondered the face behind the mask for months. For a while,I feared you actually look like Pseudo.:D Good night Brent and may God be by your side always.
Mar '11
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Wonderful heartwarming story, Brent, and well told. God bless you and your parents, and anyone who makes the decision to adopt.
Edited on January 26, 2013 at 12:05pmDec '11
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Brent,
I was wondering if love makes siblings also. I have a friend who lost a brother in 2005. He would not mind adopting a new brother. My friend is not quite the best but he is not the worst. In fact he is third from the bottom. What should I tell him?
Aug '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
[Love makes parents, not biology.]
Beautifully said
Dec '11
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
A story that is good for the soul. Thanks Brent.
May '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
10 cents: Brent,
I was wondering if love makes siblings also. I have a friend who lost a brother in 2005. He would not mind adopting a new brother. My friend is not quite the best but he is not the worst. In fact he is third from the bottom. What should I tell him? · 1 hour ago
10 Cents, being an only child, I am not sure. Maybe some others here at Ricochet can comment about the biological and adopted siblings.
Jun '10
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
LIKE LIKE LIKE!
Jun '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
BrentB67
10 Cents, being an only child,
Now I know why you were so bad at playing one party off the other in the contest.
Jun '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Outstanding and beautiful, Brent. This better go Main Feed or I may seriously re-consider my Membership. Well and nobly done, sir.
Jun '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
If Fred post today, the prospect is bleak.
Dec '11
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
BrentB67,
Simple is better. I love you little brother.
BrentB67
10 cents: Brent,
I was wondering if love makes siblings also. I have a friend who lost a brother in 2005. He would not mind adopting a new brother. My friend is not quite the best but he is not the worst. In fact he is third from the bottom. What should I tell him? · 1 hour ago
10 Cents, being an only child, I am not sure. Maybe some others here at Ricochet can comment about the biological and adopted siblings. · 2 hours ago
Jun '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Joan of Ark La Tex
If Fred post today, the prospect is bleak. · 1 hour ago
Given the high demand for magic sword threads on the front side of the pay wall, you may well be right, Joan.
Jun '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Cornelius Julius Sebastian
Joan of Ark La Tex
If Fred post today, the prospect is bleak. · 1 hour ago
Given the high demand for magic sword threads on the front side of the pay wall, you may well be right, Joan. · 16 minutes ago
This is a lovely post, but it can be viewed as telling people what to do. You know, it is offensive to many on this site. Fred posted a thread questioning God's authority on the same day Clandesteyn posted one of the best threads on religion ever written " why can't I find God" . Guess who got bumped on the same day? Need I say more? I hardly go to the mainfeed these days. It's rather disappointing.
Edited on January 26, 2013 at 6:26pmMay '12
Re: Love Makes Parents - The Other Perspective
Joan of Ark La Tex
Cornelius Julius Sebastian
Joan of Ark La Tex
If Fred post today, the prospect is bleak. · 1 hour ago
Given the high demand for magic sword threads on the front side of the pay wall, you may well be right, Joan. · 16 minutes ago
This is a lovely post, but it can be viewed as telling people what to do. You know, it is offensive to many on this site. Fred posted a thread questioning God's authority on the same day Clandesteyn posted one of the best threads on religion ever written " why can't I find God" . Guess who got bumped on the same day? Need I say more? I hardly go to the mainfeed these days. It's rather disappointing. · 1 minute ago
Edited 0 minutes ago
Thanks Joan. I wasn't intending to tell folks what to do. A lot of us here are Pro Life. I was just hoping to share personal experience about how to put it in practice.