Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
The divorce rate in the United States, people often say, is about 50%. That's a little high, apparently. The correct figure is closer to 40%.
Still, that's a lot of divorces.
Maybe the solution is to make marriages less about waiting for magic to happen, for the "right" person to come along, and more about letting the people who've known you the longest -- your parents -- figure it out for you. It works in India. From The Diplomat:
A friend in her early 20s had just come back from a trip to Mumbai after deciding to get married to a young man she had met only a few times through her parents. The girl is an independent young woman—well educated, well-read and working for a well-known multinational company. Yet none of us thought it was strange that she'd taken such a key decision in her life within days of meeting her soon-to-be husband.
As Indians, we’re somehow confident that we can arrange marriages that work based on a leap of faith and brief encounters. In fact, rather than offering cynical or shocked reactions, many of us used her example as a positive way of encouraging another friend to give in to his parents' wish that he meet some girls they think might be suitable for marriage.
This particular friend has so far been resolutely against ‘arranged marriages’, saying it's just these sorts of studied efforts that he can't understand. But I have a feeling he's beginning to come around. And I’m not surprised—after all, in India, we often seem to have a gift for arranging perfect matches.
In a weird way, these kinds of marriages seem to lower the stakes a bit. You're not looking for magic; you're looking for compatibility. For a long-term understanding. Magic fades. Romance doesn't last. The champagne always goes flat. And don't we all learn, eventually, to love the one we're with?
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Jun '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
I imagine it depends entirely on your parents' motives. If they're extremely poor, it may become more of an auction project than a matchmaking project.
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
I would never arrange a marriage for my kids, though I reserve the right to tell them whom not to marry!
Jun '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
The idea that marriage starts with romance and provides a certain amount of self-gratification (emotional, sexual, etc.) is a relatively recent innovation. Through most of history and across almost all cultures arranged marriage is the norm. Traditional societies recognize that the prime reason for marriage is procreation and a stable household for the raising of progeny. In addition, marriage is often a contractual arrangement between families. The institution can provide economic advantages and social standing.
This goes back to Peter's comment that we need to recognize the husband/wife relationship as the best situation for raising children. Not enough of this argument is present in the current debate over gay marriage. I would be willing to compromise in a major way with the gay lobby over gay marriage if only their supporters would recognize this one salient fact.
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
No way that could backfire.
My parents jokingly arranged marriages for each of us and while none of their choices worked out, it did teach us a lot about what to value in a partner and how to keep certain traits in mind.
Aug '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
In women's bible-study groups, I often heard women wish that their parents, if not necessarily arranging matches for them, would get more involved in guiding them through the maze of courtship. For women like this, family is important (hence in-law incompatibility could be a source of great unhappiness) and maintaining innocence (that is, not figuring out which men are cads after getting seduced by them) is also a priority. In which case, why not look to your parents for guidance? They've seen more of the world than you because they've lived longer -- and they'll certainly let you know if they consider a prospective mate unwelcome in the family!
My marriage wasn't arranged, but both of us felt family approval was important. I love my husband simply for himself -- but the fact that both sets of parents believe their child has chosen a charming mate sure doesn't hurt!
May '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
Don't believe the statistics. Take the following historical Hollywood figures and put them in a room: Artie Shaw, Charlton Heston, Elizabeth Taylor, George Burns, James Stewart, Mickey Rooney, Jack Benny and Zsa Zsa Gabor. Statistically, that group has a 81% divorce rate. But half of them had long happy marriages without a divorce. Serial matrimony throws the numbers out of whack.
Aug '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
Good point, EJ.
Aug '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
I don't think parents in North America know their own kids well enough to successfully arrange marriages for them. That's the real problem.
My parents almost never gave me any advice, on any subject, unless I asked for it. They very much took the typical North American stance of, "as long as he's happy, we're happy."
Years later when I realized just how much knowledge my dad actually had, I was kind of resentful that he'd never tried to mentor me and pass on his own knowledge.
If I'd had that kind of relationship with my folks, I bet I'd have been very willing to take their advice on prospective mates.
Aug '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
In my case, I have a nagging suspicion that it'd be more like an ad on Craigslist that says, "Free to a Good Home: Already Neutered."
May '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
It certainly would have a better success rate than speed dating. Removes a lot of pressure, too, which causes no end of trouble and misunderstandings and plot complications.
To really make it work, though, we'd need to bring back the old Roman law of the paterfamilias.
May '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
Don't we sort of have arranged marriages in the US now with all these online matchmaking services? My husband and I were friends before we started dating, but we both agree we probably wouldn't be considered "compatible" by e-harmony, et al. Even so, I do have many friends who have found their spouses online and are still happily married. Frankly, I wouldn't trust my parents to pick the wall color for my living room, much less my life partner. I don't think the high divorce rate in the US can be attributed to any one thing, but I do think that it's harder than it looks. A big motivating factor is wanting to stay married in the first place and not bailing when something that looks better comes along.
May '10
Re: Listen to Your Parents: Let Them Arrange Your Marriage
It would not have been a good idea in my case to have my parentals do the arranging. I did luck out, however. When in college, I compiled a list of "wants" in a future mate. I'd take that list out and re-read it every so often. I actually stuck to my guns pretty closely.
So, when I developed a friendship with my husband and then a crush on him, I'd already weeded out those not living up to my list. I knew I was on the right track when after dating him about a year, I realized that I liked him even more than I did the day we met. Actually, I couldn't stand him the day we met. In fact, I was pretty rude to him for several years. But he won me over by singing "My Favorite Things" from the "Sound of Music"... in the middle of the police department where he worked... with choreography and facial expressions.