Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
I take no credit for this discovery, as it was a dear friend who sent me this link, but I had to share with the rest of you.
The following is the entire letter that our dear President Reagan sent to his son in 1971, shortly before his son's marriage. The letter is short, powerful, and beautiful. Upon reading, I am reminded of Reagan's wonderful ability to distill complex, meaningful, and deep concepts in such a personal and clear manner.
Reagan:
Michael Reagan
Manhattan Beach, California
June 1971
Dear Mike:
Enclosed is the item I mentioned (with which goes a torn up IOU). I could stop here but I won't.
You've heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the "unhappy marrieds" and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it.
Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn't know won't hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till three A.M., a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears. There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn't take all that much manhood. It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn't ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.
Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.
Love,
Dad
P.S. You'll never get in trouble if you say "I love you" at least once a day.
I don't have to tell you, that as a group, we conservatives tend to wax poetic about Reagan, but wow, this was something else.
Lord knows that Reagan had excellent speechwriters (looking at you Peter!) but reading this makes me wonder if he even needed them.
In the recent days, Ricochet has been afire with discussions relating to marriage and everything that comes along with it--as is the longstanding tradition here at Ricochet!--and the President's words seem to be quite relevant to our current times.
Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life.
It's almost strange to hear this coming from the man who defeated the Soviets. This implicit admission of weakness--a very human weakness--from one of the most powerful men an history is both endearing and inspiring.
Endearing because it sheds light on a very personal issue; an issue that we can all relate to, and inspiring because we see the true strength--the masculinity!--of a man admitting his own human weakness, and striving to overcome it.
This bit hit home with exceptional force:
If you truly love a girl, you shouldn't ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.
As someone who has been on both sides of the "cheating" coin, I can personally attest to the truth behind these words. There was a time when I was the "twerp" that Reagan spoke of. It was not a good time and I do not wish to revisit it.
It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music.
The man that Reagan describes above seems to be a rare bird these days, but one that is needed more than ever. Men of my generation (I'm 28) including myself, would do well to read and understand this.
True masculinity comes not from the "conquests" of one night stands and infidelity, but from dedication, love, and commitment.
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Nov '11
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
That was very moving.
Jul '11
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
What a great letter! I've been on the hurt side of the coin long ago and it is horrible. I have a short story I read the end of to male patients who contemplate cheating and I'll add your awesome letter from Reagan to the repertoire.
"I knew what love was about. It was about not giving trouble or inviting it. It was not about leaving a woman for the thought of another one. It was about never being in that place you said you'd never be in. And it was not about being alone. Never that. Never that." Richard Ford
May '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Another great post and find, Michael!
My husband (The Man) and I were discussing the other day what a great amount of power women have in marriage. All they really have to do is treat their husband with respect and affection (cue Duane Oyen with his lecture on marital relations). The flip side is that unless the husband is a broken down narcissist, he will respond will undying loyalty.
Mar '11
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
A beautiful letter and a wonderful post.
Nov '11
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
A priest friend of mine some time ago described the commitment to vowed/consecrated life as "loving the many as much as the one". This is a snapshot of what that looks like. Thanks, Michael!
May '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Love that man!
Love how relatively insignificant he thought all that political power was in comparison with the simple human goodness of a long, faithful marriage.
Can't help noting the contrast with certain major figures on the other side: Clinton, Edwards, JFK, Ted Kennedy....
Apr '12
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
FeliciaB: Another great post and find, Michael!
The flip side is that unless the husband is a broken down narcissist, he will respond will undying loyalty. · 55 minutes ago
Agreed. My mother taught me about being the positive back up, pointing out hubbie's strengths and reminding the man of how much responsibility he has taken on and how much you appreciate him. On the flip side, as a mother, the way you raise sons is also as important to make sure they realize their responsibility. The child centered education system and mothering (smothering) is creating males who think the world revolves around them. e.g. That mother on the cover of TIME is creating one nightmare of a narcissistic husband. Imagine him in 20 years!
Nov '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
"Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should."
The key to a letter like this is the willingness to address the elephant in the reoom, head on. Doing so accepts ownership, responsibility, and facilitates the replacement of the elephant with sage and hard learned advice.
Imagine such a man as President. I am sure great things would follow.
Sep '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
In every sense of the word, the man's conduct was truly un-impeachable.
Mar '11
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Reagan's attitude toward marriage seems to be shared by both candidates for president this year, one thing we can be grateful for.
Jul '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
President Reagan, just when I think I couldn't love You any more than I do, "there You go again...."
Now, through the miracle of Youtube I'm gonna watch some of President Reagan's clips, then pray for Our Nation.
Jul '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Imagine tens of thousands of fathers writing such a letter to their sons...
May '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Lance:"Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should."
The key to a letter like this is the willingness to address the elephant in the reoom, head on. Doing so accepts ownership, responsibility, and facilitates the replacement of the elephant with sage and hard learned advice.
Imagine such a man as President. I am sure great things would follow. · 2 hours ago
Does he though? It seems to me he refers to the "elephant in the room" only obliquely. Unless of course the letter refers to the source of his ended marriage to Jane Wyman directly.
Jun '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
What a beautiful post...both Ronald Reagan's letter and your additions to it. By recognizing the wonder of this letter, you have shown, Michael Horn, to be wise beyond your age.
Nov '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Trace Urdan
Does he though? It seems to me he refers to the "elephant in the room" only obliquely.
That was my interpretation. I am sure Michael knew exactly what he was referring to. Whether it was Michael's personal experience, or what he witnessed other family members going through, it was obvioulsy important enough to acknowledge lest his advice be disregarded as hypocrisy.
As a regular author of similarly intended notes to my own girls, I am constantly reminding myself to be as honest and sincere as I can be. To do so otherwise discredits whatever happens to be written, regardless of its beauty and eloquence. The intended recipients of such letters tend to know the truth behind the words.
Whatever the truth was that he found himself compelled to address, the President paid respect to it and his son by bringing it up. His doing so underlined everything else about the note.
May '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Michael, cdor is right. You may be (only) 28, but in recognizing the profound wisdom of this letter you demonstrate your own wisdom. Of course, for all of us, true wisdom is recognized by what we do, how we live, than by what we believe or say. But the doing won't happen if the belief isn't there first. Congratulations. You are on your way to a successful relationship, as well.
Apr '12
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
"The man that Reagan describes above seems to be a rare bird these days, but one that is needed more than ever. Men of my generation (I'm 28) including myself, would do well to read and understand this.
True masculinity comes not from the 'conquests' of one night stands and infidelity, but from dedication, love, and commitment."
What a moving post! If only all men thought like this, Michael, and could find women who thought like this also! When parents love, and can trust, each other, their lives, and the lives of their children, are blessed.
May '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
It's just... so hard to read this wonderful comment and then look at your avatar photo...
Just a wee bit jealous of your girls.
May '12
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
Outstanding!
May '10
Re: Letters of Note: Love, Dad (Reagan on Marriage)
FeliciaB
It's just... so hard to read this wonderful comment and then look at your avatar photo...
FeliciaB, I couldn't agree more, though I wouldn't have dared mention it if you hadn't said it first.
Couldn't you please change it, dear cdor? Or explain it at least?