Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Good news! "U.S. marriage rate stable"--researchers report that 56% of men and 52% of women are still married twenty years into their first marriages.
Don't feel like breaking out the champagne? Wondering whether our expectations for long-term happiness in relationships can possibly go any lower?
There's good reason to worry. It's not just the hard data about divorce, or about how fewer and fewer people are even attempting long-term commitment in the first place.
There are also all the firsthand accounts--overwhelmingly by women, though men are frustrated too----of how nearly impossible it seems to be, to get what we want out of relationships.
We have brilliant social scientists explaining the breakdown of marriage and brilliant cultural commentators warning about the toxic mess that modern relationships often descend into. But where can we go for a viable alternative?
May I suggest?--Jane Austen. The list of what she has to offer modern men and (especially) women practically writes itself. I'll start, but please jump into the conversation!
What we find in Jane Austen, that's too often missing from real life today:
- Love lives with dignity, instead of humiliation--Emma and Lizzy make mistakes, but it's all on a higher plane, somehow
- An aesthetic of elegance, not hotness
- Keen (and mostly forgotten) insights into male and female psychology
- "Rules," not for manipulating the opposite sex but for getting just close enough to the other person to know whether he's the one for you--without getting so close you completely lose your perspective
- Happily ever after as a live option
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Comments:
Oct '10
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
I agree that Austen's books have important lessons regarding human relationships and marriage--for those of us who are at least 10 years older than Austen's heroines, and who have mastered the English language to the point where we can appreciate the understated social banter and rich internal monolog of her characters.
Here is Elizabeth's response to Darcy's letter, translated in the idiom of a modern college student (one "not one-and-twenty", in Elizabeth's words).
Feb '12
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Jane Austen remains one of the best-selling classic authors today, and movies of her books are extremely popular. I think quite a number of folks are aware of at least some of the failings of our current world and deeply interested in her guidance.
Feb '12
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
As for the assertion that it's better for women to have more options, I would consider just how degrading many of those options are, and just how much unhappiness they have caused.
Because this is a subject better considered at greater length than 200 words. I would refer all interested to the excellent book, Vindicating the Founders, by Prof. Thomas West. In the chapter, "Women and the Family," he provides a thoughtful, concise comparison of the treatment of women and family around the time of our founding to their treatment today. It becomes much more difficult to dismiss past practices after discovering how poorly some of our current practices compare.
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Would love to discuss, but I'm not sure what kind of thing you're referring to--is the attempt to hush up Lydia's non-marital elopement the kind of thing you mean? It seems like the heroines are usually living on a plane where their motivations are more than just fear of exposure. I mean, Elizabeth is quite ashamed that she has misjudged Darcy, but that's b/c she has high standards about how to do justice to people in your opinion. As honest people still do today, right? Even on sexual matters, shame isn't completely dead--I mean, everybody is pretty disgusted with Hollywood folks & their sex tapes, or similar. But the reasons Jane Austen heroines have high standards for themselves about sex and everything else seem to me to be more than just shame or fear of exposure.
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
J. D. Fitzpatrick: I agree that Austen's books have important lessons regarding human relationships and marriage--for those of us who are at least 10 years older than Austen's heroines, and who have mastered the English language to the point where we can appreciate the understated social banter and rich internal monolog of her characters.
Here is Elizabeth's response to Darcy's letter, translated in the idiom of a modern college student (one "not one-and-twenty", in Elizabeth's words).
21 minutes ago
Okay, haha. But this is obviously a modern Lydia, not a modern Elizabeth. Don't write the modern Elizabeth Bennets off--there really are some. And a woman doesn't have to start off perfect to be one. After all, Elizabeth is taken in by Wickham at first, but she does figure it out.
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Thank you! Life is certainly moving at a faster pace. But I think paradoxically social media are bringing us back to a situation where we have a public "character" it's hard to get away from--in a strange way like Jane Austen's era. More on that in the book. Must say, not sure I see all those patriarchs as so wise . . .
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Hmm. Okay, let me try to meet you, metaphor. for metaphor. Seems to me she represents the full flowering of an improving trend in relationships, love, & family life with really deep roots, one that had been going on for hundreds of years before her time. Sure, some things have wilted since then b/c of some random hacking at the growth. But I think Jane Austen was connected to the tap root--& can help us be, too.
Tom Lindholtz: So,where did Jane Austen's values and attitudes come from? Where were their roots? Jane Austen's values are like a vase full of beautiful, fresh-cut flowers just in from the garden. They are lovely. And they are destined to die because they have no roots.
Our society is what it is because we are a cut-flower society. We've been living off of the nutrients and vitality that were absorbed long ago, but that is now becoming too weak to sustain us. The only hope is that, the cut flowers might root so that they can be re-planted in good soil that will provide on-going nourishment.. But where to get that potting soil?
Feb '12
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
J. D. Fitzpatrick:
Such marriages were kept together by laws prohibiting divorce, of course. I wonder, though, if the laws preventing women from inheriting property also gave men a sense of obligation to care for women financially.
...I suspect that few modern women want their daughters to face the limited range of options that Austen's characters did.
I much prefer that any daughter of mine face the range of options in Austen's books than the range of options today, which are far more limited. Since one always has the option to get out a prior choice, what option does the other party have prevent it? A young woman today may want to get and stay married, but under today's divorce laws, her husband need only cry, "Irreconcilable differences!" and he can unilaterally end the marriage.
Furthermore, many options are hardly available anymore. A woman today may want to find a man who understands the importance of waiting until marriage to have relations, but she won't find any candidate (unless she wants to join a serious religious community). And, increasingly, a woman today will have trouble finding a man who understands the importance of marriage at all.
Edited on April 2, 2012 at 12:05amMar '12
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
I'm 23, married two years. I was a new grad; he was still in college. Main insight: my god, how did I make it through the current dating scene and come out happily married the other end?
Let's recap:
1. Outside of work or classes, it's very hard to meet young men in a situation where there isn't some kind of sexual expectation and/or lots of alcohol. If I hadn't met my husband on a setup, I have no idea how I ever would have met someone, being rather shy.
2. Once a man is interested in you, it's hard to demand a permanent commitment. (My solution: I married a Chinese guy, who's from a culture where marriage is still completely normative.)
3. Early marriage receives absolutely no cultural support, and therefore you will have people constantly telling you what you did was a terrible idea and you WILL have no friends who are going through the same thing.
Edited on April 1, 2012 at 11:52pmRe: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Very interesting comment! There's actually a section of the book where I look into what would happen between Marianne & Willoughby under modern conditions.
I much prefer that any daughter of mine face the range of options in Austen's books than the range of options today, which are farmorelimited. Since one always have the option to get out a prior choice, what option does the other party have prevent it? A young woman today may want to get and stay married, but under today's divorce laws, her husband need only cry, "Irreconcilable differences!" and he can unilaterally end the marriage.
Furthermore, many options are hardly available anymore. A woman today may want to find a man who understands the importance of waiting until marriage to have relations, but she won't find any candidate (unless she wants to join a serious religious community). And, increasingly, a woman today will have trouble finding a man who understands the importance of marriage at all. · 2 minutes ago
Sep '10
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Jane Austen has an implicit Aristotelian understanding of human nature and ethics. The late Indiana philosopher Henry Babcock Veatch captured this very well in his wonderfully understated book Rational Man - A Modern Interpretation of Aristotelian Ethics which was written as a counterpoint to William Barrett's Irrational Man, which covered existentialism as it hit America with full force.
Readers of this thread who are hesitant about Austen and what all the fuss is about may find Veatch's book a convenient entry point.
Feb '12
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
(continuing)
And here are the social "options" available to a young woman sent off to (a non-religious) college - which are enforced by a near uniformity of practice and opinion:
There are exceptions, of course. There are those who meet the first week of freshman year and stay together through college and then get married - but they probably won't put off relations, and it almost always takes years before they decide on marriage. On the other side are many more who have long-term "relationships" during their college years and then break up.
There's not much room at college for women who are interested in serious options.
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Fascinating. Just anecdotally, I can definitely see a trend toward earlier marriage among those twenty-somethings who (mostly for religious reasons--but some for commonsense reasons) reject the hookup culture. There's a chapter in the book exploring how women can actually make their social lives more like those Regency assembly balls.
Madcap: I'm 23, married two years. I was a new grad; he was still in college. Main insight: my god, how did I make it through the current dating scene and come out happily married the other end?
Let's recap:
1. Outside of work or classes, it's very hard to meet young men in a situation where there isn't some kind of sexual expectation and/or lots of alcohol. If I hadn't met my husband on a setup, I have no idea how I ever would have met someone, being rather shy.
2. Once a man is interested in you, it's hard to demand a permanent commitment. (My solution: I married a Chinese guy, who's from a culture where marriage is still completely normative.)
3. Early marriage receives absolutely no cultural support. . . .
Feb '12
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
I shudder to think!
Dec '11
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Elizabeth Kantor:
I think people glimpse something there that we don't have--the point of The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After is showing how we actually can have some of those things ourselves, today, if we're willing to listen to Jane Austen.
You've made an excellent point that may indeed explain the continued popularity of Masterpiece Theatre, particularly the smash hit series Downton Abbey. My cousin (the host of MT) would agree with you as well.
I look forward to your contributions this week!
Edited on April 2, 2012 at 1:23amRe: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Love Downton Abbey!
May '11
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
Elizabeth Kantor:
Or, putting it another way, can you point to what was it about the other world you got to experience growing up that you think prepared you to do better than younger people? · 6 hours ago
Jane Austen is not an author I know much about. I gather, and I may be wrong, that her novels dealt with the contradiction women were placed in by having to choose between their desire for romantic love and having status in society. At that time, romantic love, as a life choice, was a somewhat exotic possibility. Now, it seems to me, it is considered the only valid choice but it is as illusive as it has ever been. My wife and I grew up in post depression families where debt was a greater sin than sex but maybe our inherited morality was not that far removed from Austen's. At that time in our lives everything was affected by sexuality but casual hooking up was what we read about in magazines.
Feb '11
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
The idea that the mistakes of Jane Austen's heroines are "on a higher plane, somehow," intrigues me. Can it not be argued that because all of her heroines live very refined and upper class lives, they have the leisure to live on that higher plane? None of them worry much about actual poverty -- some of them live in genteel poverty, but they don't actually face the dread prospect of working for a living.
Instead we have characters like the poor girl Harriet whom Emma elevates above her class, against Mr. Knightley's advice. Emma nearly ruins her chances for happiness as a farm wife, but fortunately things work out in the end.
I love reading Jane Austen -- I was coincidentally reading Pride and Prejudice on my Kindle today. Her insights into human behavior, her flawed but interesting characters, her warm but keen humor, delight me. But as a guide for young people today?
One thing to note is how singular the heroines were, even in Jane Austen's day. All the women -- Elizabeth Bennett, Anne Elliot, Elinor Dashwood -- are clearly the exception and not the rule, as are their lovers. (continued)
Feb '11
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
(continued) I would argue that Jane Austen never meant her stories to be guides for the girls even of her own day -- she meant them to be good stories. Certainly there are lessons one can learn there, but most of us are not looking to make "connections" that will reflect well on our families and those concerned for our happiness -- that is, after all, Jane Bennett's main source of joy after her engagement to Mr. Bingley -- but rather to find happiness. None of our beloved heroines end up with a lasting attachment to someone who is really truly unsuitable. Frederick Wentworth was unworthy before he made his fortune, and Anne Elliot regrets turning him down for years, but now that he has made a bundle in the wars the only thing keeping them apart is his pride that she dumped him once before. My heart thrills when they come together again, but it is pretty unrealistic for most modern women's lives.
Aug '11
Re: Jane Austen, We Need You Now!
I agree that Jane Austen wrote to entertain--with such a deft touch!--and not necessarily to enlighten. And yes, none of the heroines were in danger of sinking into abject poverty. But Austen often raised the specter of dependence on others--think of Miss Fairfax narrowly escaping from becoming a governess or Fanny Price fearing forced servitude to her disagreeable Aunt Norris--that could undermine self-respect. Not all of Austen's heroines marry money--Fanny Price rejects the wealthy Frank Crawford for much poorer Edmund Bertram and Elinor is quite happy with Edward Ferrars despite his lack of a fortune--but each base their happiness on a foundation of mutual respect.
The idea of marriage and "connections" as a means of achieving financial/social status doesn't seem all that antiquated to me either. Since someone raised the Kardashians as an exemplar--wasn't one of them recently involved in a sham marriage for exactly that purpose?
FWIW, I believe Jane Austen accepted (at the urging of mutual friends), then rejected the marriage proposal of a wealthy neighbor that would have secured her socially and financially for the remainder of her short life.