In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Here's a question to ponder: In the USA, are we free to be lousy parents?
Obviously, I'm not referring to abusive, neglectful adults who victimize, exploit or otherwise harm their children through physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
But let's be honest. Some people are just better at parenting than others, and some are really crappy at it. They capitulate when they should be firm and consistent, they indulge when they should withhold, they turn a blind eye to disobedience and disrespectful attitudes until those behaviors become character traits, they expect others (teachers, administrators, coaches, neighbors, managers in stores and restaurants) to pick up their slack and administer the discipline that they are too lazy/unskilled/apathetic/pick-your-word to provide. Some parents are selfish, some are unorganized, some are clueless.
We all know stinky parents. Close your eyes and envision your cousin watching his kid throw a temper tantrum last Thanksgiving, ruining the feast for everyone, and ask yourself this: If your cousin is really a world-class crap-o-la father, should he be free to rear his child as he pleases, even if his lack of parenting skills ultimately will impact the community as a whole?
And what about that poor kid of his? It's not the child's fault that he was unlucky enough to be born to a stinky father. Shouldn't someone rescue him?
Here's the rub: This is the mentality that is bringing us legislation such as that in Louisiana which took effect last week, requiring schools to refer to the state's Department of Families and Children any parent who is at least three days in arrears in payments for school lunches. (Read more about it here).
The Left would have us debate the decoy question about getting parents to pay for school lunches. Let's not. Instead, let's talk about the underlying issue -- the one that scares me and should scare us all -- and that is the socialist social worker mentality that believes it's the role of the government to protect children from their unskilled, crap-o-la parents, not just the abusive, negligent, criminal ones.
This is the central question behind untold regulations that are growing in number and impact. The rights of parents to be parents -- even if they stink at it -- is under attack. What do you think?
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Jul '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
The ultimate on-the-job training is parenting your first-born, and all subsequent children. (They are all different! Even twins!) And I don't care if you are Ward and June Cleaver, there will be a day, an hour or a moment when your parenting skills will suck! Big time! That is the way it is. And kids survive this to go on and lead healthy, normal lives.
To have the gummint institute zero-tolerance laws for bad parenting is scary beyond belief!
And may I point out that, when Big Brother can't cope, Big Brother reaches for a prescription pad.
What we need is a Teaparty Movement against this kind of (foolishness - ed.)!
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
I agree with Tripedis. I have 4 kids and each presents different challenges. Eventually you are going to have to pick your battles and concede some.
If you catch me conceeding one and that's all you see, you might mistake me for a bad parent. But you don't know of the 100 battles I won before that time.
Oct '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Yes, parents have to be free to be lousy parents. As sad as it is that some children are raised by the parents they are - the ones where you see them out in public and find yourself saying a prayer for that child because you don't think they have a chance - the question of someone from the government being empowered to make judgement calls on who is a good enough/not good enough parent terrifies me.
Oct '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Behold the consequences of the demise of the extended family. Once upon a time there was enough wisdom, not to mention labor, within the family to properly nurture children.With all of the demands on two parent, much less single parent families, just to survive in our present culture, it is no wonder that we have these types of problems. As long as we have a culture that enobles radical individualism, and self gratification, as long as one generation is willing to spend their children's inheritance (now it's more like mortgage the future of their grandchildren in order to maintain their current lifestyle), our culture will continue its death spiral.
Edited on Nov 10, 2010 at 9:13amAug '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
I knew exactly how to be a perfect parent - before I had kids.
God save us from the government deciding who is a good parent and who is a bad parent. That's what families, good friends and nosy neighbors are for.
Sep '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
It's just one more part of the nanny state that decides how much salt and transfats are good for us. There is no stopping until they have control of our lives.
This must be stopped before it goes any further.
May '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
When Sparky Anderson left us last week the question was asked, "What made him such a great baseball manager?" Most answered that he knew who needed a kick in the butt and who needed a pat on the back.
And it's the same with kids. You can't learn how to raise a kid out of a book written by some "expert" because every kid is different and you have to live with that child 24/7 before you understand what he needs and what he responds to. (And you can't do that by only seeing your child every other weekend, either.)
But if the state's aim is to allow only competent parents to have kids, isn't the forced sterilization of Democrats kind of un-Constitutional?
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Oh! I should have said something important that a couple of you have already pointed out -- we're all "bad" parents from time to time! (For heaven sake, just ask my four kids. They could regale you with examples of my parenting missteps and would love to have the chance!) In fact, if delinquent payments for various school activities is the measure of a bad mom, I was for years the poster girl for unorganized, ditzy moms who are overwhelmed with permission slips, book reports and science projects. Is being unorganized a reason to let the government into my home to assess my family? In Louisiana, this is now potentially the case.
This is also why the childhood obesity issue is such a red herring. How else can you determine the root cause of a child's weight problem than to monitor the food that is consumed in the home?
Oct '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
I totally agree with Songwriter. I would say that, rather than insisting that people have a right to be "bad parents", the better assertion is that a "bad parent" can't be defined with any real precision (outside those cases of obvious abuse). Does spanking a child make a parent bad or good? How about allowing kids to eat at McDonald's? Or letting them drink before age 21?
I think Thomas Sowell often says something like: The important question is never who is right - it's who gets to decide.
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Blake, exactly!
May '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
OT but what am I to do with my outrage from the response I was preparing to the Heather Higgins' post How NOT to Succeed in Politics: On Bachmann and Blowing It in which I jump to Michele's defense by explaining that she was the #1 House Republican Representative targeted by the Dems? The post has completely disappeared off the site.
Has Ricochet become the victim of Censorship? Should I bring up Helen Thomas and Rick Sanchez <sarc>?
And how can I add it to my manifesto, "Richchet Women Editors and Their Barely Disguised Loathing for Conservative Women Pols" if it has disappeared? What a gyp (is that racist?).
Nov '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Marybeth, this is me RIGHT NOW. Thanks for commiserating!
Some CA friends and I were just discussing this issue, in light of SF's decision to ban toys in Happy Meals. (Note that I've never taken my children to McDonald's. Ever. Which is entirely beside the point.) Honestly: Is there no nook or cranny of one's life that the nanny state doesn't feel entitled to pry into and direct?
May '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Remember when we all wanted to dream big and do big things? Build great works of architecture, cure cancers and explore new worlds? Now, we are nation of small, petty bureaucratic busybodies whose great ambition is to direct the lives of others.
The Chinese will now reach for the stars while we reach for somebody else's salt shaker.
Nov '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Spot on, EJ. And as a friend of mine recently wrote, "A bureaucracy exists to perpetuate the power, perks and privilege of the bureaucrats. In particular, a bureaucracy that has served its mission expands to find new missions. A bureaucracy that has regulated every aspect of what is within its purview expands its purview."
Bureaucratic creep. It never ends.
Jul '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
I think the bigger question, one that encompasses Parenthood, is "In America, are We Free to fail or make mistakes."
Those government busy-body utopians say We can't and they will make the rules. There is no risk/reward in their world.
I still want to know what village raised Chelsea.
Aug '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
While I don't have children, never wanted them, and don't particularly like them, I'm certain this is one of a growing number of decisions that is not up to the government to make. But this does not mean that bad parenting should receive a pass.
Those who are so besotted with their offspring as to believe their dreadful hellions can do no wrong seem adamantly convinced that neither little Bratleigh's behavior nor their own parenting skills should ever be in any way criticized. That's fine, as long as her behavior is impacting only those members of her family who subscribe to this view.
But once she begins racing a grocery cart around the supermarket, slamming it into innocent bystanders, and then throwing a tantrum because their presence blocked her way, I'm going to say something.
Ditto for when she remains intent on kicking the back of my airline seat all the way from Cairo to Amsterdam.
Also when she repeatedly interrupts an adult conversation and goes through her entire repertoire of whining, pouting, crying, and screaming when she fails to receive immediate and undivided attention.
Speaking for the village, we find this damned annoying.
Edited on Nov 10, 2010 at 4:36pmRe: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Marybeth: I think you are on to something. As a young lawyer I experienced the social worker mentality you describe -- some of these people actually believed they had the moral right to substitute their judgment for the parents' even on matters that couldn't remotely be thought to endanger the child. Allegations of neglect or abuse opened the door, perhaps justifiably -- because you can't ignore the allegations -- and once in they didn't want to leave. Too often they had the superior attitude and had no compassion at all or sensitivity for the parent/child bond. I remember representing some woefully inadequate, but undeniably loving parents who lost temporary custody to the state (foster home(s), and it seemed like forever before we were able to regain custody for the parents. You cannot imagine the agony these parents went through in the meantime. Some might say, "well, they deserved it. No one should abuse children." True, but this was not a case of abuse or even what I would consider neglect and the evidence wasn't that clear cut anyway. But I was struck by the complete lack of sympathy or empathy the social workers had for the parents.
May '10
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
The word "abuse" has a broader definition every year.
There's a difference between freedom to make a decision and freedom to not be criticized for it. People should be allowed to be lousy parents, as they should be allowed to fail in any number of ways, but we shouldn't hold our tongues when a rebuke is in order.
There's a growing movement in our culture that forbids criticism of others' lives. It stems from the same ideas as political correctness. Humility is good, but we should tolerate without ignoring small evils.
Once upon a time, "family" included more members than just parents and kids. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, cousins and so on more commonly played a role in people's lives. Such families represent a large inheritance of parenting advise. These days, half the people I know don't even know their grandparents very well.
Cultural notions and habits regarding family lay the foundation for a healthy society. Our culture is withering at the roots.
Re: In America, Are We Free to Be Lousy Parents?
Jeanne Patterson: OT but what am I to do with my outrage from the response I was preparing to the Heather Higgins' post How NOT to Succeed in Politics: On Bachmann and Blowing It in which I jump to Michele's defense by explaining that she was the #1 House Republican Representative targeted by the Dems? The post has completely disappeared off the site.
The post was removed at the request of its author.