If I Were President ...
The New York Times editorial page has a feature called "If I Were President." They explain their thinking: "We've heard from the media and from experts -- incessantly. What if we entered a pundit-free zone?"
Turns out it makes one wish for more insight from the media and experts. Here's what poet Sharon Olds offers:
I’d grant the very rich the boon of helping them help others, as a form of gratitude for their good fortune. I’d also connect every creative writing program with a hospital, a school, a library, a prison, a neighborhood center — workshops in the supermarkets! (“Aisles full of husbands! Wives in the avocados, babies in the tomatoes!”)
It hurts, right? Into this mix, James Q. Wilson is so sensible and makes everyone else look so ridiculous that it made my husband and me laugh:
With my staff, I would decide what my administration was for. Once I had clarified that, I would write several speeches on how to cope with a stagnant economy, how to deal with countries (such as Iran and Syria) that harass their own populations, and how the United States is committed to the survival of Israel. These speeches would not attack the other party or previous presidents but would describe the views I supported. On the economy: do I favor tax cuts or increases, expenditure reductions or increases? On terrorist regimes: what sanctions will I support? On Israel: under what circumstances would an attack on Israel be regarded as an attack on the United States? People would disagree with some of what I said, but they would know where I stand. After delivering the speeches, I would submit to Congress my specific proposals, on which I would ask them to vote.
Don't worry. It's the last sensible item in the piece. We're then introduced to the "Prioress of Holy Wisdom Monastery" in Middleton, Wisconsin, who suggests we "invest half of our defense budget in children, young people and in energy conservation."
So, what would you do if you were president? Other than commission awful poetry, that is.
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Comments :
Aug '11
Re: If I Were President ...
Middleton is just outside of Madison. There's spill-over, and even the nuns are infected.
Re: If I Were President ...
"even the nuns"? I think that there's a reason the nuns are being investigated by the Vatican.
Nov '10
Re: If I Were President ...
I think if I were president, I'd spend most of my time playing golf and sniveling about my predecessor.
May '10
Re: If I Were President ...
If I were President, I would create a climate of fear and menace at home and abroad. Rarely seen in public, and then only in fuzzy sasquatch-like images from a distance, I would submit a state of the union message to be read by Christopher Lee in the House Chamber. Except mine would be called a list of demands. Congressmen who questioned my rule would hear black helicopters hovering around their neighborhoods at night, and be accosted in the street by shifty, unshaven men reeking of whiskey who would pass along vaguely ominous but meaningless messages.
Supplicants could petition me in writing, or be conducted into my presence with a burlap bag over their heads. Depending on capricious whim, such applications would either be dismissed with scrawled obscenities, or granted in exchange for a terrible price. I would issue executive orders granting waivers to various randomly selected people/corporations, and watch them try and sense a pattern.
The Don't Buy It, Just Break It doctrine would be fully implemented, with dictators quickly knocked off and their nations left to fend for themselves. Without warning, except the occasional curved dagger found stuck into their pillows in the morning.
Jun '10
Re: If I Were President ...
I'd demand a recount.
Aug '10
Re: If I Were President ...
I'd know that a terrible nuclear holocaust had left me the only person remaining in the United States.
Jun '10
Re: If I Were President ...
Full Saruman garb?
Jun '10
Re: If I Were President ...
Jun '10
Re: If I Were President ...
(1) I would confiscate royalties (probably less than $3,000 from their last "brilliant" collection) of all poets who are not aware that "forced gratitude" is the synonym of "confiscation." Until poets understand that genuine gratitude comes from the heart and not from the compulsion of the state, they should not be allowed to write any more of their tripe. (Is poetry actually written or does itspontaneously emerge from the raw emotions of the poet?)
(2) Introduce Sharon Olds to Warren Buffett--she can pick up her gratitude check from him.
Edited on Aug 22, 2011 at 8:23amAug '11
Re: If I Were President ...
The biggest issue is that three-letter word: J-O-B-S! So my first order of business would be to work to remove unnecessary regulations that cripple businesses and business development. We need to unleash the entrepreneurs and get the economy rolling. My goal would not be to increase taxes, but to increase the number of taxpayers.
The grand vision would be to decrease the involvement of government in the daily life of the citizen. Simplify taxes (or to "fundamentally transform" the way we raise revenue).
Cheap energy! Drill, baby, drill! Let a thousand oil derricks bloom! But other forms of energy, too. Lots of Czars would find themselves out of work. Lots of federal departments would shrink or close completely.
End all forms of crony capitalism so that we can have an honest free market where the government isn't picking winners and losers. I would give particular emphasis to unleashing the free market on health care.
May '10
Re: If I Were President ...
First, I would send urgent messages to convents and monasteries everywhere and get them to start saying Masses and praying novenas for me and America. Impossible to do good without a steady supply of divine grace!!
Then I would assemble a team around me. Maybe Bob McDonnell for my VP. John Bolton for Secretary of State. Patreus for Defense. Palin for Energy. Andy McCarthy for Attorney General...
Then I'd make my the primary aim and focus of my administration to devolve power from the federal government back to the states and the people.
Re: If I Were President ...
I would give an inaugural address praising JFK. I would make references to "Camelot" in my speeches. I would request that a portrait of JFK be installed in the Oval Office. I would note that during the Kennedy administration, artists were invited to the White House. In short, I would do everything required to get the media and coastal establishments on my side, and feel good about a return to the glory days of this once-great nation.
Then I would submit Kennedy's 1963 budget as my own, complete with tax cuts, and wait for them to declare me a traitor to his memory at best - and a traitor to the nation, at worst.
Aug '11
Re: If I Were President ...
I would get horribly horribly depressed at the thought of having to try to convince Congress, my cabinet, the civil service, etc., to try to implement my agenda.
Apr '11
Re: If I Were President ...
I would use my power of invisibility to fight crime.
Oh. Wait. That's the answer to a different question.
Oct '10
Re: If I Were President ...
Prefer the title of God Emperor, be afraid.
On second thought, we just might already have one of those.
Dec '10
Re: If I Were President ...
I'd resign and only stay in town long enough to see my VP, Paul Ryan, take the oath of office. Then, I'd happily retire knowing the country was in good hands.
Jan '11
Re: If I Were President ...
A practical example of the complete disconnect with reality - from the Prioress, "I would fund energy-saving improvements — insulation of houses...". I mean, how hard can it be?
The (very recent) Australian experience of exactly that process... and just imagine how much smaller the Australian program would be to an equivalent one in the US.