If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
From the Economist, describing a recent study by a psychologist at the University of California at Riverside:
Parents claimed more positive emotions and more meaning in their lives than non-parents, and a closer look revealed that it was fathers who most enjoyed these benefits. Moreover, further analysis revealed that this enhanced enjoyment came from activities which involved children rather than those (such as watching television alone, or cooking) that did not.
It looks, then, as if evolution has bolted into men a psychological mechanism to keep them in the family. At first sight, it is strange that women do not share this mechanism, but perhaps they do not need to. They know, after all, that the children are theirs, whereas the best a man can do is hope that is true.
The assertion that fathers are happier strikes me as entirely understandable. (Just to run a little personal experiment, I stopped and thought for a moment just now about my happiest moment over the last few days. Easy. Watching my 15-year old at bat in a Babe Ruth game this past Saturday morning. He quickly got into a hole, 0-2. Then he took a deep breath, and with a sense of calm that struck me as almost preternatural, stared the pitcher down. Four pitches later, he was walking to first.) Come to think of it, "happier" isn't quite the right word--nor is it the word that seems to have been used in the study. Children bring all kinds of worries--and, often enough, if temporarily, unhappiness. What they provide unfailingly, though--at least in my experience--is a sense of meaningfulness.
But the second finding? That mothers report no more positive emotions than non-mothers? This runs so entirely counter to all that I myself have observed--my nephew's wife just gave birth to their second child, and there it was, in all the hospital photos on Facebook, that look in his wife's face that she had just done something that made her feel a kind of cosmic contentedness--that I find it utterly baffling.
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Comments:
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Agreed Rachel Lu! Yay :) Much daily drudgery comes with full time motherhood and much of the satisfaction is delayed. The results of your efforts often come to fruition far down the road with little fanfare. Career success is satisfying in a much different way. This is why I think it is so important for full-time mothers to make time to cultivate their own interests, talents, and friendships.
Sep '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Diane Ellis, Ed.: One thing my mom is struggling with is a frustration as she feels the need to reenter the work force to help my dad with the bills, but lacks work experience since she stayed home to be a full-time mom for the past 20 years. Sure she has skills: she can cook, bake, care for children, sew, interior decorate, clean, keep the books, paint, garden, etc., but she feels that the only things these qualify her to do are to be a nanny for other peoples' kids, or a maid, or some similar job that will only fetch a minimum wage.
She tries hard to stay positive, but I've never seen her so unhappy as she is now that she finds herself willing but unable to contribute financially to the household. Even though I'd like to stay home when I have little ones, I'm afraid to find myself in a position similar to hers in the future. · 11 minutes ago
A very real risk, I'm afraid.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Diane Ellis, this is the big issue. Being a mother is financially risky. At least your mum is married still and not replaced by another woman. Fake John Galt is correct that men were expected to stand up and promise to take on the responsibility of a wife and children, 'till death do us part. My. Mums still get frozen out of the parenting circle.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
This is why I think we need a new sort of conversation about women. What might help to open more part-time or late-entry jobs? Might the upsurge in online accreditation be part of a solution? Or more home businesses? Targeted deregulation might stimulate some of those things. Also as you say, Katie O, women need to work on organizing themselves so they can find social outlets, develop interests and talents, and just help each other out. (Not saying we don't do this already. I just finished hosting a play group for my philosopher mom friends! But, more of that would be good.)
Anyway we need to find some solutions, because modern developed countries seem alarmingly apt to depopulate themselves (for a really sobering look at this, read the stats on Japan and its demographic problems) and I think much of that comes back to the economic and social disadvantages of being a mom in a modern wage-based economy.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Just as a painful little anecdote: my husband was reading to me the other day how there is now a large market in Japan for fake babies. That's right: older women who don't have the children/grandchildren they crave buy lifelike baby dolls and "nurture" them, like in the PD James book. He thought it was kind of funny. It makes me want to cry. And then go hug my kids and tell them they're worth it.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's struggles Diane. It is a problem that I do not look forward to facing in the future. In your own case, I think your particular career and skill set might be one of the more mom friendly...allowing you to stay in the game on a part-time basis or work from home. I'm sure you already thought of that...just offering support.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I read something on the fake babies too. I think they are also working on caregiver robots for the elderly. Very creepy. Creepy and sad.
Sep '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
It's been observed many times that women's worst critics are...women. Nobody observes cultural norms the way women do--what should, what shouldn't, what can, and what must NOT be done, thought, or spoken of. Ever.
So Mom tends to be the grownup around the house--Dad, even if he's the ultimate disciplinarian--can be silly. Dad can be outrageous. Dad can be goofy.
If one parent says, snidely, "children, stop that before someone gets hurt" it will be Mom. And you can bet it will be Dad who will moan, "oh, Mom, you're no fun..." to the delight of his co-conspirators.
Dorothy Sayers featured this dynamic among Lord Peter Wimsey, his wife, and his son--and his nephew (the splendidly-named "Pickled Gherkins.") International figure, London financier, head of the household--and plotter of plots, schemer of schemes with the boys. The women, long-suffering, can only offer weary cynicism and the wish that at least some of the boys will grow up.
Enough for now. Daughter[3] has brought my stick pony--after a match or two of Stick Pony Polo we will end the night with furious pillow fight.
Oct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
Mark Zdeblick
Same chore every day, like dishes, is the opposite.
You clean clothes and dishes... so they can get dirty again. Such tasks feel more futile, even though they're no less necessary.
In my experience, it takes more self-discipline to keep at the little chores with good cheer. · 9 hours ago
"Cleaning clothes" means putting them in 2 machines. The toughest part is folding. And since we're talking about moms and dads...how come the kids aren't participating in the laundry duties?
"Doing the dishes" means loading the dishwasher (which, in my household, is done by me...because it seems NO ONE knows how to load a dishwasher properly :-) ). And again, except in families where all the kids are under age 10, how come they're not participating?
This is going to torque off a bunch of you, but in my experience, the reason the moms do most of these kinds of household chores is because they need to. They need that false sense of sacrifice. They refuse to relinquish those chores. I've seen this first-hand. Is it absolute? Of course not. But more common than not, I'd bet.
Edited on May 25, 2012 at 5:27amOct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
Mark Zdeblick
Change is rest.
Same chore every day, like dishes, is the opposite.
You clean clothes and dishes... so they can get dirty again. Such tasks feel more futile, even though they're no less necessary.
In my experience, it takes more self-discipline to keep at the little chores with good cheer. · 10 hours ago
Cutting the lawn every week isn't a futile, mundane, "same chore?" Then shoveling the driveway and walkway the other half of the year? Raking the leaves...and then again, when more of them fall? Going to the same job and doing the same tasks day after day doesn't feel futile, mundane, same-chore-ish?
(Try a tax season's worth of tax returns...then do it again, the next year, and the next year, 29 times in a row, and see if you don't think you were the inspiration for Groundhog Day.)
Mothers don't have a monopoly on mundane; only on martyrdom.
Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
dittoheadadt
Cutting the lawn every week isn't a futile, mundane, "same chore?" Then shoveling the driveway and walkway the other half of the year? Raking the leaves...and then again, when more of them fall?
No, cutting the lawn, raking leaves, and shoveling the walkway are rather enjoyable chores. At least, I like doing them.
And, while these chores are repeated, they're not as frequently repeated as the regular "indoor chores". They also change with the seasons. So they're less boring.
"Man chores" just are more fun!
dittoheadadt
Going to the same job and doing the same tasks day after day doesn't feel futile, mundane, same-chore-ish?
(Try a tax season's worth of tax returns...then do it again, the next year, and the next year, 29 times in a row, and see if you don't think you were the inspiration for Groundhog Day.)
Well, a mother who works outside the home also goes to work every day, and in my family, it was Mom who did the taxes.
dittoheadadt
Mothers don't have a monopoly on mundane; only on martyrdom.
Aw, come off it. You just sound bitter ;-)
Edited on May 25, 2012 at 5:35amOct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
dittoheadadt
Cutting the lawn every week isn't a futile, mundane, "same chore?" Then shoveling the driveway and walkway the other half of the year? Raking the leaves...and then again, when more of them fall?
No, cutting the lawn, raking leaves, and shoveling the walkway are rather enjoyable chores. At least, I like doing them.
And, while these chores are repeated, they're not as frequently repeated as the regular "indoor chores". They also change with the seasons. So they're less boring.
"Man chores" just are more fun!
dittoheadadt
Mothers don't have a monopoly on mundane; only on martyrdom.
Aw, come off it. You just sound bitter ;-) · 2 minutes ago
Edited 0 minutes ago
Nah, I just love this give-and-take! I miss it, in my old circle of friends. Love to argue risky points! Not that I don't believe what I've written, but it's with a profound love of mothers and wives.
BTW, I have always loved doing the lawn, the leaves, the driveway...and have never hated the dishes or laundry or vacuuming.
But ironing...oy vey.
Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
dittoheadadt
The toughest part is folding.
No, the toughest part of laundry is all the lonely socks!
As a wise comedienne once said, if you insist you're the only one in the family who can load the dishwasher properly, don't be surprised if no one else will do it.
I'm not torqued off at all. Just amused.
Hubby and I haven't got kids yet, so it will be a while before we fob chores off on 'em. Hubs and I are much more flexible than my parents were about interchanging the "gender roles" of chores. I'm much better at home improvement and repair than hubs is, and he insists he's better at laundry than I am, so I let him do it -- though I do the folding and sorting afterward.
I consider myself much more blessed than my mother was in terms of domestic arrangements. I'm lucky. I'm not complaining ;-)
Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
dittoheadadt
Nah, I just love this give-and-take! I miss it, in my old circle of friends. Love to argue risky points! Not that I don't believe what I've written, but it's with a profound love of mothers and wives.
BTW, I have always loved doing the lawn, the leaves, the driveway...and have never hated the dishes or laundry or vacuuming.
But ironing...oy vey.
We understand each other, then.
Whoever plumbed my parents' house put the dishwasher, clothes washer, and kitchen sink right next to each other. The lint from the clothes washer and the grease from the sink and dishwasher were always combining, clogging the pipes, and causing backups.
These backups wrecked the sensors on the clothes washer and dishwasher so that only a specific esoteric combination of settings would make either work -- get the secret setting a hair wrong and they'd waste water for hours without cleaning anything. My parents never could get it fixed, for some reason...
Anyhow, it made certain household chores an unending source of anxiety. As I said, my childhood was weird.
Knew a guy from Trinidad who ironed everything, including his underwear. That's even weirder.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Yep.
I've gotten WAY more crud about "choosing" to stay home from women than I have men-- even my mom, who I've gone over the economics of the situation with. (Short form: Seattle's child care costs, if you don't take gov't funds, are ludicrous.)
I'd guess a large part of the birth rate drop in first-world countries is from women who are told, over and over, that they're supposed to do EXACTLY the same thing as the guys. Not wanting to do it means you're a freak, wrong, insulting your sex, a traitor, etc. Which I can deal with...until it's from people whose judgement I usually respect, then it gets painful.
Women as a group are really easy to manipulate, if folks know the buttons. *sadface*
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Part of what is so wearing-down about doing the dishes, clothes and cleaning is that nobody cares. Mow the lawn? You get a glass of something cool to drink, and you can spend most of the day messing with the machine. Never mind that I could do it in an hour, including checking the oil and gas and putting the grass clippings in the mulch pile.
One of my goals, should I ever have sons, is to make sure they can actually run a household without prompting. My husband can do it, but most of our male friends have to take their clothes to a cleaner and eat out every night.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Katie O
I feel skilled as "mother". Some think being a mother is unskilled labor, I don't. None of the titles in my list are more respectable than "mother".
FWIW, "unskilled labor" generally isn't. It would be better titled as "uncertified labor."
There is an indescribable amount of distance between Random Guy From High School and someone who knows how to pick cherries. My mom is a teacher, and I'd still place the distance as wider than between an absolutely untrained teacher and a certified-to-the-gills teacher.
The distance between a new vet and someone like my dad, who has no qualifications but has been working with sick cattle since the 60s, is likewise crazy-making.
I'd be utterly delighted if labor laws were loosened so that there could be more home businesses, including uncertified daycare. Heck, I'm dang near libertarian on that front-- certification, not licensing; want to take the risk with non-gov't approved sources, go for it.
But I don't think better labor laws would actually fix the way that moms feel guilty all the time! We've got a HUGE responsibility, and if we DID feel qualified.......
Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Foxfier
FWIW, "unskilled labor" generally isn't. It would be better titled as "uncertified labor."
Definitely true. And sad. As if the only way to get a skill is to accumulate paperwork!
Foxfier
My mom is a teacher, and I'd still place the distance as wider than between an absolutely untrained teacher and a certified-to-the-gills teacher.
Especially with teaching, since teacher training these days is long on "education theory" and short on what it actually takes to run a classroom.
I don't have teacher certification, but I can teach -- I've had jobs tutoring and giving seminars, and so forth. If I get a teaching certificate, I'll be paying for the little piece of paper making me official, not to learn skills that can't be acquired elsewhere.
Foxfier
I'd be utterly delighted if labor laws were loosened so that there could be more home businesses, including uncertified daycare. Heck, I'm dang near libertarian on that front-- certification, not licensing; want to take the risk with non-gov't approved sources, go for it.
Why settle for dang near? Even a traditionalist can go whole-hog libertarian on this issue.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Most libertarians I know want to remove any possible gov't involvement at all; I think there is some role for gov't, if only to keep the guys who will have to investigate cases of willful disregard of safety (such as putting toxic waste into food) busy when there aren't omnicidally dumb folks doing their thing, and to make it a bit safer for wide-range travel. I wouldn't be comfortable eating at a place that doesn't have gov't certification if I'm from the far side of the country-- but if I'm a local, I have an idea of whose lack of certification is just "Avoid the paperwork" and whose isn't. (Also prevents things like the horrific banning of horse slaughter houses by not funding the inspectors. Horrific because the animals are mutilated and abandoned to starve, instead of humanely slaughtered.)
Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Foxfier
Most libertarians I know want to remove any possible gov't involvement at all...
Ah, whereas many libertarians I know are OK with merely minimizing government involvement, and consider government involvement at the level of courts enforcing bundles of property rights an absolute must.
(OK, so folks like David Friedman sometimes hypothesize about what it would be like to have an entirely privatized court system, but I don't think even he expects to see that in this universe.)
Then, the libertarians I know best are economists, and they tend to think a lot about externalities -- how to internalize them or which ones can't be efficiently internalized. That sort of thing...