If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
From the Economist, describing a recent study by a psychologist at the University of California at Riverside:
Parents claimed more positive emotions and more meaning in their lives than non-parents, and a closer look revealed that it was fathers who most enjoyed these benefits. Moreover, further analysis revealed that this enhanced enjoyment came from activities which involved children rather than those (such as watching television alone, or cooking) that did not.
It looks, then, as if evolution has bolted into men a psychological mechanism to keep them in the family. At first sight, it is strange that women do not share this mechanism, but perhaps they do not need to. They know, after all, that the children are theirs, whereas the best a man can do is hope that is true.
The assertion that fathers are happier strikes me as entirely understandable. (Just to run a little personal experiment, I stopped and thought for a moment just now about my happiest moment over the last few days. Easy. Watching my 15-year old at bat in a Babe Ruth game this past Saturday morning. He quickly got into a hole, 0-2. Then he took a deep breath, and with a sense of calm that struck me as almost preternatural, stared the pitcher down. Four pitches later, he was walking to first.) Come to think of it, "happier" isn't quite the right word--nor is it the word that seems to have been used in the study. Children bring all kinds of worries--and, often enough, if temporarily, unhappiness. What they provide unfailingly, though--at least in my experience--is a sense of meaningfulness.
But the second finding? That mothers report no more positive emotions than non-mothers? This runs so entirely counter to all that I myself have observed--my nephew's wife just gave birth to their second child, and there it was, in all the hospital photos on Facebook, that look in his wife's face that she had just done something that made her feel a kind of cosmic contentedness--that I find it utterly baffling.
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Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Ricoteers ? Ricoteers ??Not shame about Cubby, Cheryl, Spin , Marty , and the Annette ?Mollie pegs it " so much it hurts " and that is the hard third that buys the great two thirds that bring the rush of blood to the heart and the smiles from your toes to your scalp. And you Mr. Robinson , five is a grand number of progeny. Nice batting . from one of many devoted ricochetti
May '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
"Children bring all kinds of worries--and, often enough, if temporarily, unhappiness. What they provide unfailingly, though--at least in my experience--is a sense of meaningfulness."
Meaningfulness is the right word.
There was not enough information in the article you linked to, to convince me that there was really a disparity in the effect of children on the sense of happiness or satisfaction or meaningfulness of the parents.
( I smile at the use of Ricoteer--two "e's," not three.)
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 4:49amMay '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
One word: Feminism. How can you be happy when everybody is so busy telling you how miserable you're supposed to be?
Nov '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I think this calls for a song
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Prawn: where'd you get that? I swear that's a graphic I used years ago on my site, from a scan I did.
Apr '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
This study doesn't surprise me. It's tough for women to build a life that includes all the different kinds of fulfillment that a healthy person reasonably wants. It's a complex problem, but a few factors that I think contribute to it would be: 1) Lack of cohesive communities. Childcare is harder and more tedious when you can't let your kids run free around the neighborhood. That also contributes to the loneliness some others have mentioned. 2) A wage-based economy. Working and mothering is exhausting, but not working makes women more irrelevant to the family's livelihood than most women historically have been. Capable adults tend to find that dissatisfying. 3) An abundance of appliances and manufactured goods, which make full-time motherhood effectively unskilled labor. Using one's skills and talents is fulfilling. Women often find it difficult to get that kind of fulfillment; for men, I think this tends to be less of a struggle.All of which helps to explain why birth rates are falling throughout the Western world.
Dec '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
That is exactly where I got it. It's been my avatar on many a forum.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Rachel, everything you've said rings true to me.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I think it is because what is expected from a man as a father is very clear. He is supposed to have a job and be dad. It's not a big deal when he has to prioritize sometimes. A woman has to make the "best choice" for her family. And, she will often second guess that choice. If she works outside the home she will suffer the "I should be somewhere else" syndrome MaggiMc talked about. If she chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, she suffers a lack of respect from society or even family for "wasting talents" or not "contributing" income.
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 6:29amJan '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
This strikes me as one of those "studies" where the methodology and assumptions need to be questioned. Do the results mean that men and women have different answers, or is it that they hear the questions differently?
The article suggests that men enjoy the rewards of being with children, and that's a motive for sticking with the family. In other words, they could leave, but they don't. Whereas women can't leave the children, so it isn't even an option.
I've long said that Roe v. Wade officially makes fathers "unnecessary" to the family, since they have no legal right to participate in the most important family decision. The doctor, excuse me - Planned Parenthood technician - has more legal say in the decision than a father.
I've never agreed that fathers were unnecessary, or needed to be sold and persuaded to stay around. Only a bad father needs to be persuaded. The importance of the family, and in turn the responsibility to maintain it, should be considered automatic.
But that's what happens when you let the state and popular culture shape your "conscience."
Apr '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Men are surprised by how much fun kids and domesticity are. Women in childhood start looking forward to marriage and children.
Who keeps hope chests? Who plays house? The best women can do is realize their dreams. For men, it's all gravy.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Rachel I agree very much with what you said except for this bit.
As a full-time mother I am teacher, nurse, spiritual director, business manager, chef, fitness instructor, financial planner, photographer, family historian, interior designer, party planner, therapist, life coach and more things which take a great deal of skill. Yes. I am also the unskilled maid, taxi cab driver, and laundress. But, I would not call full time motherhood "effectively unskilled labor".
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 7:48amJul '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Wow, A study of 329 North American volunteers aged between 18 and 94. There is a sample size that inspires confidence. "Are you happy?", yes vague question with no definite or precise meaning. Anybody care to define happiness? Pseudo Science at its best. The really sad part is that these guys will probably get grants to "study" the "problem" only they see.
Oct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Arsenal: "Us dads tend to sweep in and do all the fun stuff that kids bring along with them. They worry. We have fun."
Mollie: "...but I know from speaking with other people that some women feel overworked in trying to balance their careers and personal lives."
Roberto: "A fierce love tempered by constant concern will temper any happiness. "
There's more like that in this thread, but you get the point.
MY (anecdotal, yes) point is, balderdash! My son played hockey, soccer, baseball, football, my daughter played hoops and soccer. You don't think I didn't worry when I read about Travis Roy, or the kid whose heart stopped when he was hit in the chest with a puck, or the athlete whose staph infection killed him? Ad infinitum.
We dads DO worry. I suspect the difference with the moms is that we dads don't let our worries stop our kids from doing things. Why might that be the case, I have no idea. But I'll be damned if I'll sit by and accept the false premise that we're a bunch of dunderheads who aren't smart enough to worry about our kids.
Oct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Furthermore, I refuse to sit by and accept the premise that dads today are the incarnation of Ray Barone or Doug Heffernan - lazy do-nothing-at-home dads. More balderdash! Dads aren't overworked balancing work and home lives? What decade are you living in?
From my experience the mothers think they do "everything" and the dads do "nothing" because they only give the dads credit for the things that they, the mothers, think is worth doing. Or, maybe mothers are less satisfied with the sum total of what life entails while dads are more accepting of it, thus, we don't [complain] about "how much we do." We just do it. And we don't keep score. Mothers do.
If the dads I know are any indication, we do at least as much for the family unit as do the mothers.
And yeah, maybe we dads DO do the fun stuff...but there's nothing stopping the mothers from doing the fun stuff either. There's apparently nothing stopping them from complaining about it, either, though.
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 4:19pmOct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Grendel: Men are surprised by how much fun kids and domesticity are. Women in childhood start looking forward to marriage and children.
Who keeps hope chests? Who plays house? The best women can do is realize their dreams. For men, it's all gravy. ยท 8 hours ago
I would think realizing a dream would be far, FAR more satisfying than stumbling upon it unexpectedly. Which would give you greater satisfaction - become wealthy through your own hard work, initiative, creativity, and intelligence...or by winning the lottery?
I don't think your premise is true.
And personally, I wasn't surprised in the least how fun my kids (and others' kids...well, some others' kids) turned out to be. I couldn't wait for them to be old enough (plus or minus 5 yrs old) to do things with me. At 23 and 21 they still worry me and give me unbridled joy. And are still work.
Dec '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
There's a whole lot of wisdom in this thread, but I do think the discussion needs a little more focus on what happiness is (Dennis Prager, where are you?).
One thing I know, managing expectations is a huge factor in feeling happy. As a stay-at-home mom, if I expect to be respected despite not using my engineering degree for 14 years, I'm going to be unhappy. If I expect personal satisfaction to come from my kids' successes, I'm going to be disappointed. The culture works against wisdom in the expectations game. Feminism has been worst of all for women.
As Prager said recently, women have been sold the lie that they can have it all. The fact is, if you have kids and a career and interests, you're going to take time from one while spending time on the other(s). It isn't opinion. It's math. We shouldn't set ourselves up by expecting otherwise.
Oct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Don't agree with this premise either. Being dad is "very clear?" Hardly. Maybe it was very clear 30 or more years ago. It's not clear at all today. So, you don't get a free pass with that one, in order to explain the dichotomy between dads and moms.
And "it's not a big deal" for us dads to prioritize, when prioritizing forces us to sacrifice something "family" for something "work??" Really? We don't have to make "best choices," and we don't second-guess ourselves???
Honestly, am I the only dad here to whom these portrayals of dads is foreign, nay, alien??
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
dittoheadadt
Honestly, am I the only dad here to whom these portrayals of dads is foreign, nay, alien?? ยท 7 minutes ago
I'm not a dad but all stereotypes have a certain crudeness to them. However, I see a distinction among my friends between those who embrace traditional roles for husband/wife and father/mother and those who don't. And that's regardless of whether the woman is also working.
Is it possible that you're responding as someone who has embraced traditional roles in your home? I've noticed those families seem to have a bit more freedom and enjoyment in how the whole operation runs. For instance, my husband is the head of our household and he treasures his time with his children, worries about them at least as much as I do, and is very involved and helpful.
If I worked full-time outside of the home I can imagine being a bit resentful or overworked in a way I don't because I work from home and have flexible employment.
Also, if my husband didn't appreciate me so much and remind me of that regularly, I might also be less happy.
Oct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
tabula rasa
My dad was a great teacher. He always got up from dinner and helped with the dishes.
And did your mom paint the house? Help strip and stain the deck? Clear the brush from the woods behind the house? Replace the roof shingles? Change the oil? Fix the furnace? Replace the well pump? Pump the septic tank? Cut the lawn? Seal the driveway? Replace the mailbox? Go to the dump? Install the basketball hoop? Coach the kids' teams? Run the youth sports organization in town? Replace the faucets? Finish the basement? Vent the attic? Paint the house? (yes, after all that stuff, it's time to paint the house again)
My point is, in the discussion about dads and moms and their duties (aka the assault on dads), we ONLY ever talk about the dishes and the laundry and vacuuming.