If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
From the Economist, describing a recent study by a psychologist at the University of California at Riverside:
Parents claimed more positive emotions and more meaning in their lives than non-parents, and a closer look revealed that it was fathers who most enjoyed these benefits. Moreover, further analysis revealed that this enhanced enjoyment came from activities which involved children rather than those (such as watching television alone, or cooking) that did not.
It looks, then, as if evolution has bolted into men a psychological mechanism to keep them in the family. At first sight, it is strange that women do not share this mechanism, but perhaps they do not need to. They know, after all, that the children are theirs, whereas the best a man can do is hope that is true.
The assertion that fathers are happier strikes me as entirely understandable. (Just to run a little personal experiment, I stopped and thought for a moment just now about my happiest moment over the last few days. Easy. Watching my 15-year old at bat in a Babe Ruth game this past Saturday morning. He quickly got into a hole, 0-2. Then he took a deep breath, and with a sense of calm that struck me as almost preternatural, stared the pitcher down. Four pitches later, he was walking to first.) Come to think of it, "happier" isn't quite the right word--nor is it the word that seems to have been used in the study. Children bring all kinds of worries--and, often enough, if temporarily, unhappiness. What they provide unfailingly, though--at least in my experience--is a sense of meaningfulness.
But the second finding? That mothers report no more positive emotions than non-mothers? This runs so entirely counter to all that I myself have observed--my nephew's wife just gave birth to their second child, and there it was, in all the hospital photos on Facebook, that look in his wife's face that she had just done something that made her feel a kind of cosmic contentedness--that I find it utterly baffling.
Ricoteeers?
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Feb '12
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Well Rico didn't get a happiness ticket but then I doubt he was a dad, 'godfather' maybe, but loving dad I don't think so.. is this the end of Rico
Racketeers aren't a happy lot.. their numbers usually always come up bent and spent.. So, Ricoteers, do you feel they happy?
I'm all for being just content.. Happiness comes in bursts and Rico understood that.. to his dying days..
Mar '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I think it's because moms are most often the primary caregiver. They have more day to day responsibility and lose sense of themselves to some degree. Us dads tend to sweep in and do all the fun stuff that kids bring along with them. They worry. We have fun.
Dec '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
He quickly got into a hole, 0-2. Then he took a deep breath, and with a sense of calm that struck me as almost preternatural, stared the pitcher down. Four pitches later, he was walking to first.
Sounds as if your son has been reading up on the great Billy Beane!
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I love my children so much it hurts. I almost forget what life was like before I had them. My husband and I frequently discuss how blessed we are to have them and the joy they routinely provide.
I'm blessed with the world's most helpful husband but I know from speaking with other people that some women feel overworked in trying to balance their careers and personal lives. Could that play a role in the disparity?
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
As a father of a 17 yr old boy and a 14 yr old girl, i can whole-heartedly support the notion that Dads get a huge amount of happiness from their children. As my co-workers, who hear me telling tales of my children's various escapades virtually every Monday - and as recently as a few hours ago - can attest, having children with my wife is "the best investment we've ever made".
For example, my kids prefer soccer... and after a recent tournament game where my daughter saved 15 shots but not the last-second winner, which went in over her outstretched arms, our whole team was impressed by the sportsmanship displayed by the opposing team's goalie, who had a couple of easy saves: After the game, she received a pin for the 1-0 shutout from her coach. She got up, walked over to our tree, and gave it to Grace, saying she deserved it more for all her great saves.
Nothing that grand has happened to me while sitting in a chair looking at a screen...
Can't speak for the moms... can't figure that out, either.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: I love my children so much it hurts. I almost forget what life was like before I had them. My husband and I frequently discuss how blessed we are to have them and the joy they routinely provide.
I'm blessed with the world's most helpful husband but I know from speaking with other people that some women feel overworked in trying to balance their careers and personal lives. Could that play a role in the disparity? · 1 minute ago
Interesting observation. My wife also works and travels and we try to share our parenting responsiblities equally. Contrast: I've coached 14 seasons of AYSO soccer, and call that parenting. She keeps the house organized, sane, and fed properly.
Perhaps Dads seek out more fun ways to parent, leaving the less enjoyable duties to the wife? I could believe that.
Mar '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I have often observed that while mothers and fathers can love their children with equal passion a mother's love is always tempered by worry. Here there is no equality, mothers appear to worry over their offspring infinitely more so than fathers.
A fierce love tempered by constant concern will temper any happiness.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Simple, Peter. Fathers and mothers both take pride in their children, but only mothers imagine their children in imminent danger the moment they are out of sight.
Jun '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I think you are on to something, Mollie. No one has figured out how to add more hours to the day, and working Moms bear a heavy burden. I'm not suggesting they dump their careers--that is choice only a husband and wife can make together--but let's face it, men aren't as helpful as we could be.
I love golf. But when my kids were little, I only played on business outings (during work hours) or only after pre-arranging it with my wife. I played very little, but enough to maintain my interest. Now I play occasionally with my sons and sons-in-law.
Choices are usually not a question of good over bad, but of the better over the merely good. I eventually learned that time spent with the family more rewarding than golf.
My dad was a great teacher. He always got up from dinner and helped with the dishes.
Aug '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
My husband and I both get immense joy and meaningfulness from our life with our children. But I think that moms who work outside the home (I'm one) continually struggle against the "I should be somewhere else" syndrome, especially if they have a high stress job. When I'm working, I should be home; when I'm home I should be working. Women seem to have more trouble than men just being where they are. I know that "somewhere else" syndrome is a pointless, no-win game, but I have to consciously remind myself of that. Also, I found Myrna Blyth's book "Spin Sisters" enlightening. The idea that the media "sells unhappiness" to American women really resonates. I quit watching most TV and gave up popular magazines roughly around the time I read it. Those things are a subtle and pernicious drag on the psyche. Personally, I'm better off without them.
Aug '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
For my own mother and my best friends' mothers, overwork was definitely a factor (all had careers as well as being the primary parent). Their husbands helped with child-rearing to varying degrees -- from practically no help, or even hindrance, to fairly substantial help. More substantial help, er, helped.
Roberto
Mothers appear to worry over their offspring infinitely more so than fathers.
A fierce love tempered by constant concern will temper any happiness.
True. Mothers do tend to worry more, and worry and happiness don't mix.
My dad was the worrywart in our family. Mom had to console him about us, rather than the other way around. I think that helped make my childhood extra-weird.
Jul '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I am not buying it. Parenthood completes a person, male or female. I'm still at the office and missed a soccer practice and it bums me out. My daughter graduated from her little Christian pre school today and sang up a storm. All the cute songs about God and Jesus just melted my heart. The wife and I both had a few tears as one era passed and a new one has begun.
May '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
This sounds right to me.
Also--I'm thinking out loud here--I think women are lonely. The kind of companionship and togetherness-with-friends we crave is hard to find in the way society is structured these days. We run from one thing to another. Relationships tend to be too superficial to be satisfying...
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 3:46amMay '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
True. Mothers do tend to worry more, and worry and happiness don't mix.
This is definitely true in our case. I worry much more than my husband does. I am beset with worries.
I can still vividly recall how even the intense happiness of the first hours of my babies' lives was shot through with worries about what they would face in this world as they grew older.
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 5:00amMay '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Also--doesn't this stand to reason, Peter?--if people derive more human happiness from their personal relationships than from their work, wouldn't the fact that men are now closer to their children while women are more caught up in their careers tend in the direction of more happiness for men, less for women?
Feminism really got a lot horribly wrong.
Mar '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
This comment contains too much to leave as is. If not something for the Main Feed it certainly deserves a posting in the Member Feed for us to reflect on, I hope you will consider it katievs.
Dec '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Me:
Minus the tie, of course. And the paper would have to be substituted for Ricochet...
Dec '11
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
I read this Economist article today during an arduous six-hour flight because airports don't sell Weekly Standard and National Review (and sometimes, I need a break from Kindle). I initially responded to Peter's post as a sports fan because that was the only element that brought me some satisfaction due to the dreary and -yes- nonsensical nature of the original article by the psychologist from UC-Riverside.
Because fathers dont't get to have all the fun... In many traditional households such as the one I grew up in, Dad was the one who worked to pay for my expensive prom dresses (there were 3) and the tuition for a private college when I could have gone to a perfectly excellent state school and the rent for my first New York apartment. He was able to afford all of this but he was, by nature, a fiscally prudent man and it didn't come easy for him.
Here's to dads!
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 4:28amOct '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
This is inherent species behaviour. If men bore children in place of women the resultant worry factor would be equivelent. Simple stuff.
The rest of that formula is too creepy to consider.
Edited on May 24, 2012 at 4:21amNov '10
Re: If Dads are Happier, Why Aren't Moms?
Maybe it is a combination of things: