How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
For those of you headed back to the office on Tuesday after a weekend of family, food, football, song and spiced drinks, here is a tried and true method to jumpstart yourself out of your sanguine state and prepare you for a return to the world of work. I have used it myself in the past with fine results, as it serves to focus the mind and prepare for the world as it truly is in all its harsh confusion.
Prior to engaging in any of the following, I encourage you to indulge in something with a bit of edge to rouse you into an active state of mind. Set the gifts of scotch and bourbon aside and drink a shot of Balcones Baby Blue Corn Whiskey or something along those lines. But don't stop there, lest you end up just feeling warm and pleasant.
The addition of children is also advised if you have none. Ask a friend to borrow theirs - ideally high on sugar and exhausted from play - and the more the merrier.
Trust me, most of these parental units will be perfectly happy for the opportunity after the prior 48 hours, and will likely suggest some form of adoption arrangement to formalize the matter (do not sign this, even if the whiskey suggests otherwise).
So here, with that recommended preparation, is my advised solution for a holiday that has left you feeling too healthy, wealthy, and wise: The Dollhouse.
Mind you, it does not literally need to be a dollhouse. It can be anything - that technological device that will not sync, the furniture with the one warped screw, that wire that will not bloody fit - but dollhouses are the best, and wooden ones the best of the best.
Attached above is an image of what confronted a friend of mine this afternoon. Who knew that so many pieces could even exist within a real house, let alone one for fake people? The walls are too sturdy to bend even slightly in the direction needed, but so fragile as to split in an instant if breathed on too hard, lodging infuriatingly stubborn splinters under your fingernails. Normal tools have no bearing on its construction. The directions tumble into an Escher-like maze of terror. Damn to the bowels of hell the Allen Manufacturing Company and their blasted hexagonal wrench!
After just a few hours of tangling with your dollhouse, a mess of sweat and obscenities, it will begin to work its magic. You will feel in your heart a new appreciation for the true state of the human condition. Where gifts the day before had allowed you to sink into optimistic pleasure at the possibilities beyond that new device with the bright red bow, the dollhouse reminds you of the frailty and meaningless nature of all worldly things, pointless as another Tower of Babel. That, at least, did not have balsa wood spiral staircases. Or so we assume.
Brought back to earth, things will begin to loose their warm sepia tones, but take on a cold clarity. Dust we are, and to dust we shall return, after all. You will be prepared for the day's labor. You may even welcome it as an escape.
But first, bring the spiced cider for one more draught. We're going to need it.
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Comments :
Aug '10
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Thanks, great post. The strange interlude that coincides with the last short breaths of the year's commerce at most levels needs to be leavened with the joy of drink and the puzzle of other men's buildings, especially the devilish subgenre of dollhouse makers. Let's all curse Ibsen, ready ? Ett...to...tre...fire..
Edited on Dec 26, 2011 at 6:10pmAug '11
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Nice post. I'm interested in that whiskey. Clear(ish) whiskeys are serious business. I had the Buffalo Trace White Dog and well... But then again I did more than "drink a shot." I'm interested in the post just because I had to go to work today and I caught an 8 AM flight to do so. My work day didn't end till 7pm est. I talk to my friends who are downtrodden about work and work after time off/weekends. I think we should all be thankful for what we have. Including work. Perspective is the proper antidote for almost everything. Ben's post was fun but I can bet people really are getting bummed out about work.
Mar '11
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Wait just a cotton-picking minute! You are seriously suggesting that, having survived (so far) a weekend mission amidst the mucus-besmeared microbe merchant moppets accompanying family and friends, that I willingly submit to potential contagion yet again?
Not for all the NyQuil in Peoria.
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Agreed on all counts. Instead of a dollhouse, may I suggest the Death Star from Star Wars in Lego?
As with everything, including breakfast, goes well with this:
Dec '11
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Just for the heck of it, I forwarded this post to my 80+ plus father and his response was: Don't remind me of those d**ned dollhouses!
Hi-larious! ;)
Jul '10
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
There's always duct tape.
Apr '11
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Omigosh. I had blissfully forgotten one 3 or 4 a.m.Christmas morning when two friends and I labored a couple hours over putting together a large StarWars Lego creation and found ourselves one tile off beginning at the center. I seem to remember we then had occasion to hit the Bushmill and Stolichnaya distilleries.
Only partially endorsing her, I like The Bloggess's Haunted Dollhouse.
Re: How to Prepare for Work After the Christmas Weekend
Rob Long: Agreed on all counts. Instead of a dollhouse, may I suggest the Death Star from Star Wars in Lego?
As with everything, including breakfast, goes well with this: · Dec 26 at 7:25pm
Edited on Dec 26 at 07:26 pm
Agreed on both counts, and that looks like it will soon be a fully functional battle station capable of keeping the local systems in line.