Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Whew! That was close. In a country where the government is so concerned with our wellbeing that it confiscates a four-year old child's turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, potato chips and apple juice for failure to meet USDA standards, there is simply no end to the catastrophes that are only one state action away. Why merely a few days ago, in an act of heroism not seen since Bugs Bunny saved himself by sticking a finger in the barrel of Elmer Fudd's shotgun, the Department of Homeland Security saved us from an invasion so awful, so fraught with insidious danger, that a Congressional Medal of Something Or Other must be in the offing.
I speak of course of the brave seizure of over 13,000 illegal hair dryers. DHS stopped 9,768 of them in Los Angeles, and another 3,614 in Miami. Illegal aliens may pass, of course. They are a minor issue, a proverbial fart in a whirlwind compared with the overarching threat to the republic posed by illegal hair dryers. Why, you ask? Because, DHS answers, they lacked the proper shock protection in the event they become immersed in water. Who knew? And you thought your tax dollars were being wasted. I don't know about you, but back when I had hair I used to sit in the tub and dunk the hair dryer in the water, fire that sucker up, and use it to propel the little rubber boats around the bubbles. If anyone intruded on my party, I'd turn the dryer on them like a water pistol.
Of course, the hair dryer lobby will get its split ends in knots. "They're not illegal hair dryers," we will be told. "They're undocumented beauty accessories." ACORN will register them to vote, and San Francisco will become a sanctuary beauty school. Meanwhile, some on our side will warn against caustic statements that may scare away not only the independent hair dryers, but the curling irons too.
But make no mistake, the feds will give no quarter on this one because ultimately it's not about the hair dryers. It's about you. You are not to be trusted to feed your child, or even keep an electrical appliance out of the water. You can't be trusted to tend to your own health care, upgrade your own property, select your own car, run your own lemonade stand, buy your own lightbulb, your own toilet, or anything else without government regulations, interference, taxes or fees. By the way, did you ever wonder how these government nags believe you are not bright enough to purchase a light bulb or a toilet without their involvement, and yet they trust in your intelligence to vote? I suspect that deep down, they don't trust that either.
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Mar '11
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Judging by voter fraud to date, I don't think their mistrust in our intelligence to vote is buried very deep.
Dec '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
If I didn't know better, Dave, I'd say you were indulging in sarcasm.
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Excellent point.
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
It's not an indulgence,...it's a calling.
Dec '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Dave Carter
It's not an indulgence,...it's a calling. · 5 minutes ago
I like it. It's almost Cyranesque.
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Stuart Creque
Dave Carter
It's not an indulgence,...it's a calling. · 5 minutes ago
I like it. It's almost Cyranesque. · 12 minutes ago
I think I can retire early on that one. Thank you Sir.
Jul '11
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Is that hair dryer a Remington?
Feb '12
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Make my bad hair day, punk.. I know what you're thinking, did he set it on low or high.. well in all this excitement I clearly forgot to check..
Jun '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Dave: I read the first paragraph, but I've got to finish my Big Mac, supersized fries, Oreo McFlurry, and a bag of kettle chips before I can read the rest of it. As I recall, your post has something to do with hair fashion and the DHS (or suchlike). Right? I'm a little distracted exercising what little is left of my freedom.
Edited on February 16, 2012 at 3:33amRe: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
tabula rasa: Dave: I read the first paragraph, but I've got to finish my Big Mac, supersized fries, Oreo McFlurry, and a bag of kettle chips before I can read the rest of it. As I recall, your post has something to do with hair fashion and the DHS (or suchlike). Right? I'm a little distracted exercising what little is left of my freedom. · 3 minutes ago
Edited 2 minutes ago
Close enough for government work, Tabula. Just don't dunk the hair dryer in the Oreo McFlurry, otherwise they'll put you in the hoosegow.
Aug '11
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Don't be messing with my hairdryer, Dave. It starts to get really personal at that point.
May '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
David - You are such a knee-jerk reactionary! These were extra large capacity magazine hair dryers from the Sassoon Cartel. Do you want every man in America to look like Justin Bieber?!?
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
You got me, EJ. I plead nolo conditioner, or some such...
Jul '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
The turkey sandwich, the hair dryers, it was all workplace violence. Give it another day or two. You'll see.
Sep '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
This is obviously a ploy by Alberto VO-5, euronastie.
Feb '12
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
You have to admit the government is not forcing everything on us. For example, between the federal and state government, my brother receive two free electric 'golf' cars. My cousin is planning to get to cash in on thee $10,000 rebate for the VOLT. I just receive two free light bulbs, a 'earth' saving shower head from my utility company compliments of Uncle Sam.
Free health care, free cars, free shower heads, why George Orwell would be extremely jealous of 2013.
Sep '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Dave Carter
By the way, did you ever wonder how these government nags believe you are not bright enough to purchase a light bulb or a toilet without their involvement, and yet they trust in your intelligence to vote? I suspect that deep down, they don't trust that either. · · 2 hours ago
I'm not sure I do, either. We give people the freedom to vote and what do half of them do? They vote Democrat.
May '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Or it could be a deeper problem....
Mar '11
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Brilliant, Dave. We recently bought one of those four-slice toasters with the big slots so we can toast bagels and thick slices of homemade bread. Love it. Well, we would love it but the cord is only a foot long, which makes it impossible to enjoy fresh toast in the bathtub.
Aug '10
Re: Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Dave Carter
I speak of course of the brave seizure of over 13,000 illegal hair dryers. DHS stopped 9,768 of them in Los Angeles, and another 3,614 in Miami.
What did we ever do to offend the hair dryers? We must demand our government unplug from the bathroom power outlets and let the hair dryers have their outlets back. It's the only way to stop the cycle of violence.