Homeland Security: Keeping Us Safe from Illegal Hair Dryers
Whew! That was close. In a country where the government is so concerned with our wellbeing that it confiscates a four-year old child's turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, potato chips and apple juice for failure to meet USDA standards, there is simply no end to the catastrophes that are only one state action away. Why merely a few days ago, in an act of heroism not seen since Bugs Bunny saved himself by sticking a finger in the barrel of Elmer Fudd's shotgun, the Department of Homeland Security saved us from an invasion so awful, so fraught with insidious danger, that a Congressional Medal of Something Or Other must be in the offing.
I speak of course of the brave seizure of over 13,000 illegal hair dryers. DHS stopped 9,768 of them in Los Angeles, and another 3,614 in Miami. Illegal aliens may pass, of course. They are a minor issue, a proverbial fart in a whirlwind compared with the overarching threat to the republic posed by illegal hair dryers. Why, you ask? Because, DHS answers, they lacked the proper shock protection in the event they become immersed in water. Who knew? And you thought your tax dollars were being wasted. I don't know about you, but back when I had hair I used to sit in the tub and dunk the hair dryer in the water, fire that sucker up, and use it to propel the little rubber boats around the bubbles. If anyone intruded on my party, I'd turn the dryer on them like a water pistol.
Of course, the hair dryer lobby will get its split ends in knots. "They're not illegal hair dryers," we will be told. "They're undocumented beauty accessories." ACORN will register them to vote, and San Francisco will become a sanctuary beauty school. Meanwhile, some on our side will warn against caustic statements that may scare away not only the independent hair dryers, but the curling irons too.
But make no mistake, the feds will give no quarter on this one because ultimately it's not about the hair dryers. It's about you. You are not to be trusted to feed your child, or even keep an electrical appliance out of the water. You can't be trusted to tend to your own health care, upgrade your own property, select your own car, run your own lemonade stand, buy your own lightbulb, your own toilet, or anything else without government regulations, interference, taxes or fees. By the way, did you ever wonder how these government nags believe you are not bright enough to purchase a light bulb or a toilet without their involvement, and yet they trust in your intelligence to vote? I suspect that deep down, they don't trust that either.