Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
With all the arguments in the news these days, here's my $.02 on the subject.
After mother died, my father married my wicked stepmother and she had the locks changed on our house so that I couldn't get in unless she was at home. After her rebuke I moved out rather than disturb my Dad's new bride. My education wasn't finished and my new secretary job allowed only a one-room. third-floor walk-up studio apartment. When my brother witnessed my stepmother closing the door in my face on Thanksgiving, he and his wife invited me to live with them in Connecticut. They had three little children and the plan was for me to help out with the kids; get a job; and contribute to household chores and expenses.
Because my sister-in-law thought that the boy a few doors down was 'cute', she invited him to come and help me babysit on New Year's Eve. He brought liquor and champagne, so we got drunk and I got pregnant.
After three months when it became apparent that I was getting 'puffy', I decided to get an abortion. I really didn't understand abortion and in those days before ultrasound, people said the fetus was just a 'blob of tissue'. One of my co-workers put me in touch with a local doc known for abortion and his receptionist gave me an appointment, stressing that I would need to bring $500. In cash.
At a bus stop on the way to the abortionist, there was a sign for an OB/Gyn and since pregnancy hadn't been diagnosed, I went in and the doctor examined me. He confirmed my pregnancy, guessing it was a New Year's Eve conception, and told me that my baby was due at the end of September. The doctor, with an Italian name, started telling me about pre-natal vitamins and exercise and I stopped his instruction, telling him I was on my way to the abortuary. Becoming very distressed, the doctor emphatically told me that abortion 'is murder!' ''Don't do it", he warned. "You'll regret the rest of your life. Go and see this lady and she'll take care of you." He handed me his business card with a phone number and address on the back.
Confused and afraid to the point of being paralyzed, I took the card to the address and arrived at St. Agnes Home in West Hartford. Tiny little Sister Damien answered the door and invited me to sit down in her office where she fixed me a cup of tea. I was in tears of shame and Sister handed me a box of tissues. Full of compassionate humor, Sister told me "no one is here because of a headache" and there were about 25 girls in my condition. Gently advising that just because I had made a mistake with a boy, my life wasn't over. When I told her that I had no money, she said "Don't worry. God has lots of money."
Living at St. Agnes was perfect to prepare for childbirth. The Sisters of Mercy cooked three nutritious meals every day and made sure that we walked at least two miles after dinner to ensure adequate exercise. In those days, the Sisters of Mercy were a teaching and nursing order, with several M.D.s at the home in addition to the R.N.s in crisp white habits.
We were offered Mass every day, but it wasn't forced, and Father was always available to us. I later learned that the priest was also a psychologist. Even the Protestant and Jewish girls bonded with our gentle and holy priest.
On September 27th my beautiful, perfect little girl arrived. She was exquisite and I can still feel her tiny fingers grasping mine when I held her during her Baptism. I named her Bernadette Lucy which was my mother's name. Sure that Mom was in heaven with God, I wanted my baby to always have her own, personal patron saint.
Because years of wisdom resided at St. Agnes with the nuns, they counseled us all during our pregnancy about the inevitable decision - to keep my baby or surrender her for adoption. Since I had literally nothing to offer a child, I decided on adoption. My self-esteem was non-existent. Locked out of my own home, a brother very disappointed that I would get 'knocked up,' and my career prospects looking bleak, I was despairing for myself, and didn't want to take my beautiful baby into what I felt would be a life of desperation. But had I not signed the adoption authorization several months before her birth, I would have kept my wonderful child throwing pragmatism to the wind. The nuns understood a mother's love and anticipated a young woman's emotions trumping logic.
But when the day came for me to give my baby into the arms of a social worker, my heart felt as if it was being stabbed with a dull knife. I can still feel the pain when I think of her angelic face and tiny lips as I kissed her goodbye - forever.
My life turned out to be what most would call successful. Moving to Boston and interning with a seasoned newspaperman/publisher, I finished schooling and had my first byline published about a year after my child was born. But every night I would pray that little Bernadette Lucy was OK and adopted by a loving family. I tried not to dwell on her face and the way she felt in my arms, since crying myself to sleep every night was very unproductive. What was done, was done.
But after about ten years, I hired an investigator to find her. Of course, it was a fruitless investigation because records were 'sealed'.
Still remorseful about surrendering my own child into the arms of stranger, memories haunted me. It wasn't until I returned to my Faith and spoke to priest in Confession that I reconciled what I had done. Father assured me that I had taken the proper action and that my job was to forgive myself and pray assiduously for the child. He reminded me that the Blessed Mother had given Jesus to the world and He was killed in a horrific act of deicide. I should be at peace with the fact that my baby was living in a good home with a loving family.
But when my third brother was diagnosed with the same colon cancer that killed our mother and two uncles, my doctor advised that our family could be pre-disposed to get the disease. I wrote to Catholic Family Services in Connecticut asking that they inform my daughter. Although she may be susceptible to the deadly cancer, she could avoid it with diet and lifestyle. I expressed concern that I did not intend to intrude on her life, but wanted her to know.
About three months passed, I received a call from a social worker who informed me that my daughter wanted to contact me. I gave permission and in less than two months she and her husband brought my grandchildren to visit me in Virginia.
When Bernadette (who had a new name from her adoptive parents), walked in my front door and hugged me, I could feel the dull knife come out of my heart and the wound healed immediately.
The years in between saying goodbye and hello to my child were always tinged with sadness, but seeing her happily married to a solid, good provider erased the sadness.
And when I saw those beautiful grandchildren, tears, of joy this time, were more than welcome. They were GLORIOUS!
Giving birth under difficult circumstances is a challenge and can be a heartache as it was for me. But it was worth every minute to know that I didn't kill my baby and a lot of people are happy that she is alive. Her devoted husband, her many friends and brilliant children, just to name a few.
Including me!
- Comment (86)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (63)
Comments:
Sep '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Thank you for sharing this... what a beautiful story!
Apr '11
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Thank you. Simply, thank you.
Jan '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
What a wonderful story. Thanks for sharing it with us. God bless you and your family.
Mar '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
AMEN!
Nov '10
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
You didn't even mention the joy you gave her adoptive parents. As an adoptive parent, may I tell you that my daughter's birth mother gave me the greatest gift I will ever receive. She's across the world in Asia and my daughter's records are sealed, so I can't thank her, but I would like to let you know that my husband and I think of her with gratitude every day of our lives.
Fortunately, these days in the US, open adoption is much more readily available than it was then, so a young birth mother these days would probably not have to go through the years of wondering what had happened to her child that you endured.
Oct '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
I am crying. Thank you for your story.
Sep '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Not too many things move me to tears, but your story did. I've read that if young women can see a way forward for themselves they are far less likely to get an abortion. Your story illustrates that point beautifully.
Aug '10
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
I am moved to tears as well, it felt strangely like a solitary journey, guy must have been a jerk or did he ever know ?
Too bad the present administration sees fit to take 600 million in tax dollars to assist in the elimination of 330 thousand human beings by the Planned Parenthood killers.
Feb '11
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
What a beautiful affirmation. I am sure you have suffered greatly in this life, but your story is one of such hope.
Your nuns are such signs of God's love in the world, with their wisdom and trust. May their tribe increase.
May the Lord continue to bless you abundantly.
I pray for my brother's birth parents all the time -- he is such a gift in my life.
Dec '11
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Thanks for sharing that story. This past Friday in the OR next to mine, 28 abortions were carried out. Most of them (as is the case in our state of Victoria), would have not been due to maternal health reasons. I think of the young ladies in that waiting room, some looked apprehensive, others looked like they were lining up for a hair appointment. Some had boyfriend/husband company though the majority were alone or with a girlfriend.Your personal experience is a poignant reminder of the beautiful alternative. Life.. it's always about preserving it and making it as beautiful as we can. Here in Australia, I am extremely old fashioned for believing that.
Aug '11
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how difficult it must have been to do so. The decision you made positively impacted so many people and will continue to do so over time.
I have a friend who made the same decision to give up her daughter for adoption. She was far too young to even consider keeping her and her family was supportive but not happy about the perceived shame brought to the family. Fast forward 25 years and this young woman decided to seek out her birth mother. Amazingly, she lived only 50 miles from where my friend grew up. She found my friends family first and they (thankfully) embraced her. My friend now has a relationship with her daughter and grandchildren an it's brought joy to her life and her families. She chose to give life just as you did and now it comes back full circle.
Jun '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Extraordinarily beautiful and especially relevant at this time. This should be on Main Feed if it is not already.
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Dang it,...now I'm choked up too. What a remarkable, and painful, and ultimately beautiful journey. Thank you, ...for choosing life, ...for telling your story, ...and for showing us what love and faith can do, which stands in such brilliant contrast to the horrific and dark remedies of a degraded culture.
Aug '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Many, many thanks for giving your daughter life and for sharing this God-loving and life-affirming history.
Feb '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Thank you.
Nov '10
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
I am crying too. Beautiful story, well told. Thank you and please continue to share. May God bless you.
May '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
It's not often that a long post with no paragraph breaks reads so smoothly from start to end. Probably because I hoped the story would turn out as well as yours does.
I have two people very close to me, whose adoption stories have made them very miserable, so yours brings me much cheer.
Dec '11
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
The screen went blurry and voice became a little strange. That dull knife stabbed my heart.
Thank you for having the courage to make the hard decisions. I bet that hug from your daughter made it all worth it. Fearing that I'll short out electrical equipment I'll stop now.
Edited on January 21, 2013 at 12:19amDec '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
Thank you so much for your story and your courage. Adoptive mothers like me are completely indebted to you. Our son's birthmother (we have an open adoption) told me a story similar to yours. She arrived at an aunt's house with her third child, the aunt smiled, took the baby and slammed the door. Her boyfriend told her to get an abortion, but she said she couldn't do it. You see, her father was himself adopted. Our son's middle name is the name her father's birthmother gave him. (He, too, hired an investigator to try to find information on his closed adoption in the '50s; he only found out his birth name.) When we met our son's birth-great-grandparents, there was a bond between us all...touched by adoption. I am convinced that an angel led you to the door of that doctor's office. God Bless you.
Apr '12
Re: Having The Baby Instead of Aborting
That would make a great movie script to teach alternatives to other young people. Do you tell your story at schools? There is the rush without this alternative route you have shared so kindly. The safe place to stay until you were ready again for the world was the most inspiring part.