Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Has the sexual revolution made women happier? That's the question the fiercely intelligent Mary Eberstadt addresses in a Wall Street Journal column from this past weekend:
This brings us to Myth No. 4, which is perhaps the most interesting one of all: The sexual revolution has made women happier.
Granted, happiness is a personal, imponderable thing. But if the sexual revolution has really made women as happy as feminists say, a few elementary questions beg to be answered.
Why do the pages of our tonier magazines brim with mournful titles like "The Case for Settling" and "The End of Men"? Why do websites run by and for women focus so much on men who won't grow up, and ooze such despair about relations between the sexes?
Why do so many accomplished women simply give up these days and decide to have children on their own, sometimes using anonymous sperm donors, thus creating the world's first purposely fatherless children? What of the fact, widely reported earlier this week, that 26% of American women are on some kind of mental-health medication for anxiety and depression and related problems?
Or how about what is known in sociology as "the paradox of declining female happiness"? Using 35 years of data from the General Social Survey, two Wharton School economists, Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, made the case in 2009 that women's happiness appeared to be declining over time despite their advances in the work force and education. . . .
It is always hard to disentangle the weeds from the plants in such a large field. But if the sexual revolution has made women so happy, we can at least ask what it would look like for them to be unhappy. A broader inquiry might yield some results worth thinking about, in contrast to the shortsighted political theatrics over a supposed "war on women."
Eberstadt's argument goes against the grain and is provocative. The popular perception of the sexual revolution is that it's been good for women--that it's empowered and liberated them. That message carries the day in the popular culture, where the "strongest" and most "independent" women are defined by two attributes that have historically been associated with men: stunning career success and emotionally disconnected, promiscuous sexual relations. Here's just a small sample of pop's sexually loose and "empowered" heroines: Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, Chelsea Handler in Chelsea Lately, and the various character in The Vagina Monologues. Because these "pop feminists," as I call them in my book, appear happy, most real-life women--especially young women--assume that acting like their on-screen heroines will make them happy, too.
But it doesn't work that way, as Eberstadt implies and as I've concluded after interviewing college women who participate in the "hook up" culture of casual sex. To give you a sense of how powerfully Eberstadt's column resonated with readers, just consider that it's currently the top-read article on the Wall Street Journal website and has garnered over 1,000 Facebook "likes." Meanwhile, a rejoinder column by novelist Ann Patchett that also appeared in the Wall Street Journal-- "Has the Sexual Revolution Been Good For Women: Yes"--is not even registering as one of the top-five most-read WSJ articles today, and it's only been "liked" by 418 people.
That's because most women, whether they're willing to admit it or not (and most aren't), have come to realize that living out the dictates of the sexual revolution does not empower them, but turns them into sex objects. What else could you conclude when a show like Lifetime's "Dance Moms" sexualizes a group of eight-year-girls who are dancing burlesque with nude-colored bras on, as if they're topless? Or when pimps, who have been so inspirational in shaping the aesthetic of rap, barcode prostitutes with tattoos as their property? Or from the opening scene of Bridesmaids--a movie that, in my view, shows just how awful sexual liberation has been for women. In that scene, "[expletive]-buddies" Annie and Ted have sex and then exchange these words:
Ted: I'm just, you know, I just have a lot coming up at work.
Annie: Oh!
Ted: And . . . and . . . and I just, I don't wanna make promises I can't keep. You know what I mean?
Annie: Mmm.
Ted: I know you do.
Annie: Yeah. We're on the same page. I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship right now either. Let's just say that, I just . . . whatever you wanna . . . I can do, you know? I'd rather just . . . I like simple. I'm not like other girls, like; 'be my boyfriend!' Unless you were like; 'yeah!'. Then I'd be like; 'maybe'.
Ted: But that's not on.
Annie: I don't want that either.
Ted: I don't either . . . .
Ted: Wow, this is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to day it without sounding like a [expletive].
Later that morning, Annie tells her best friend Lillian about hooking up with Ted:
Lillian: What did you do last night?
[she doesn't reply but gives Lillian a look]
Lillian: You are not telling me something.
Annie: I . . . I hung out with Ted, for like, a little bit.
Lillian: I knew it!
Annie: We had . . . we had . . . fun. It was fun.
Lillian: Here's what I don't like about it; you hate yourself after you see him. Everytime. And then we go through this and you feel like [expletive]. And it's almost like you're doing it because you feel bad about yourself.
Not quite as empowering as the feminists would have us believe.
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Comments:
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Ahem. Emily, you know the Code of Conduct.
The sexual revolution has not arrived on Ricochet, where it is still 1956. That dialogue is about to make me faint.
Nov '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Ok, so we get the question: What parts of the Sexual Revolution do you want to undo?
There were plenty of archaic laws that were repealed that we'd consider barbaric in 2012. I'm thinking of marital exemptions to rape laws. But I'm sure there are plenty of others that I don't know of.
I'm ok with women being able to control their fertility.
I'm ok with the access women have to the workplace.
I'm ok with the progress that's been made in how men and women divide domestic workloads.
So what parts do you want to undo?
Jan '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
I don't know what to say. I was a storm trooper for the sexual revolution in the late 60's and into the 70's. I couldn't believe women would actually engage in such activity without a hope of you marrying them. I was in heaven. Not long after I started to notice the wreckage of marriages; unmarried moms; and attractive, smart and interesting women who wanted a husband but didn't want to settle.
That's when it hit me that American women's traditional role was defender of morality. Through the rupture of that moral veil poured a tributary of unmarried women - unhappy and unappreciated and men living isolated lives moving from scene to scene, both waking in the wee hours of the morning wondering what it would be like to feel real commitment.
Feb '12
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
The sexual revolution failed to change one important thing. Women connect sex with love; I don't think they will ever be able to separate the expectation of love from the act. Yet the revolution encouraged them to indulge in sex for fun, exercise, curiosity, whatever; when they came away feeling empty, did they feel betrayed by the revolution? How about we try a little courtship, romance, dare I say, commitment??
Mar '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
The saddest stories I personally know are all people who have been wrecked by the separation of physical intimacy from emotional/spiritual connection.
Meaningless sex destroys the soul.
Nov '10
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Eberstadt: "Why do so many accomplished women simply give up these days and decide to have children on their own, sometimes using anonymous sperm donors?" Understandable, if you recognize that these are not so much offspring as hostages.
Ditto on Bridesmaids --quite a subversive film, it its way.
Mar '12
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
My husband and I are fairly young (I'm 23; he's 26), and we made the unusual choice to marry straight out of college. We both have innate tendencies toward depression and our jobs, while pleasant enough, are hardly exciting or particularly impressive. But, among our classmates, we are the only ones who have fully independent adult lives, and we're the happiest among our peers.
It's not that I think universal early marriage is a good idea, but it makes me very sad to see so many of my peers drifting from hookup to dating to hookup. A lot of them seem to be very lonely.
Jun '10
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
The sexual revolution wasn't any kind of advance. It was cultural devolution. It was like putting the knife and fork away, and going back to eating everything with our hands. I can understand the attraction the sexual revolution had for men, especially young men with no conscience, but I don't see how it improved anything for women.
If you'd like your son to have a dad, and your future grandson to have a grandpa--and you'd like it to be the same man--the sexual revolution is certainly not the way to do it.
Jul '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
An old man once told me that women were born unhappy. The sexual revolution does not change that.
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
A quote that says nothing whatsoever about women but volumes about the old man.
Dec '10
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Through the rupture of that moral veil poured a tributary of unmarried women - unhappy and unappreciated and men living isolated lives moving from scene to scene, both waking in the wee hours of the morning wondering what it would be like to feel real commitment. · 1 hour ago
A very poetic, sad and frighteningly accurate description of what I felt many times in the predawn hours after a random fling. The only thing that you left out (though it's implied) is the sense of emptiness that rises in the wake of these meaningless encounters.
The thrill, excitement, and momentary pleasures, shrivel away quicker than one would think.
I've come to understand that going to "sleep" with someone you just met, is never as good as waking up next to someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Edited on March 26, 2012 at 5:04pmRe: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
If anything, Emily, the effect of the sexual revolution on young men has been worse. It has turned a great many of them into slackers. Growing up for a man has to do with taking responsibility for the welfare of others. Under the old regime, prior to, say, 1969, desire was disciplined by mores and manners. In a world in which regular sex much more often than not led to procreation, to get what he desired a young man had to agree to take responsibility for the consequences (as did the young woman). In the world of abortion and the pill, there are no (obvious) consequences; there is no need for responsibility; and men fall apart. Something on the order of 60% of college graduates today are female. What seems like a victory for women is a profound defeat -- both for them and for men.
Sep '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
I'm fond of observing that very few people study to become actuaries--but practically everybody routinely assesses and prices risk.
The sexual revolution didn't just "free" women to become sex objects--it also freed men from any social (and particularly, professional) stigma for abandoning their wives.
Women see the risk: getting married and having children means placing a very big, very permanent bet on the likelihood that your man is going to "love, honor, and cherish" till death do you part. And if he doesn't, you're going to pay a far heavier price than he will. You don't have to be an actuary to identify that risk.
Women (consciously or not) assess the risk that their husband will split, leaving them with the kids--and act accordingly.
Should you gamble that your husband will live up to a lifetime commitment? How much are you willing to bet?
Edited on March 26, 2012 at 5:28pmDec '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Maureen Dowd noted that no it did not a few years ago. She blamed it on men, but she noted it.
Edited on March 26, 2012 at 5:40pmMar '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
As a 41yo, single, conservative, straight guy, I could fill up the memory of this entire website with insights about what's gone wrong with the sexual revolution, women, dating, and marriage. But, I only have 200 words so . . .
First, Fred Cole's post makes a very good point: What parts of the sexual revolution should be revoked? It's not so easy to start slashing all of it. Why? Because some of the changes were improvements. However, it's these improvements that can lead to women behaving badly. For example, more women in the workforce alongside men increases the chances of more cheating.
Last, here's what Emily didn't mention. On one hand, women were being taught to act like men. On the other hand, they were being taught men were scoundrels. But, at the same time, women were being told how happy they were going to be. Try to figure that puzzle out!!! All it really did was create a few generations of women who are arrogant scoundrels who have babies on their own because they believe all men are inferior. However, they're popping pills because they're so unhappy about being so awesome.
Jun '10
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
I share Dr. Rahe's position. Like all utopian schemes ("free love makes everyone happy"), reality has its pesky tendency to disclose the flaws in the hyperbole. Women have more freedom, but aren't happier. Men are infantilized. The culture suffers another body blow.
The social sciences have demonstrated quite clearly that the happiest people are those who are married and who are committed to their spouse and their marriage. And it works for both men and women. Then, if they have children, it's also clear that children who grow up in intact marriages raised by their biological parents are less likely to dropout, experience illegitimacy, trouble with the law, and a host of other negative life consequences.
Monogamous relationships between committed people produce happy people and happy children.
The sexual revolution removed that foundational assumption from relationships and we are paying the price.
Edited on March 26, 2012 at 6:15pmJul '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
"I found that they were contenting themselves with doing exactly what men do. Their conception of their new-found liberties and the use to be made of them did not reach beyond this. They wore men's dress on occasion, smoked, swore and used loose language as men do. I was amused at observing that their ideal of general conduct, both good and bad, was not that of doing the same things men do and doing them better or even differently. Apparently they were quite satisfied, rather slavishly as it seemed to me, to do just the same things in just the same ways, and do them just as well." - Mr. Nock
Apr '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
While incredibly vulgar, the Jude Apatow movies are subversive.
SPOILER ALERT:
In the 40 Year Old Virgin, the last scene of the movie is the main character having fantastic sex (for the very first time) with his wife on his wedding night.
The female character in Knocked-Up sets aside the advice of both her mother and sister to have a child with a man-boy instead of an abortion. By the end of the film she's placed the needs of her child and her boyfriend above those of her career. The male character sets aside his teen like lifestyle and becomes a real man with a real job and home because that's what the female character needs him to do.
These movies reinforce repeatedly the moral costs of the sexual revolution. They're also very popular. Not a bad thing.
Edited on March 27, 2012 at 4:27pmJan '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Emily Esfahani Smith:
But it doesn't work that way, as Eberstadt implies and as I've concluded after interviewing college women who participate in the "hook up" culture of casual sex...[M]ost women, whether they're willing to admit it or not (and most aren't), have come to realize that living out the dictates of the sexual revolution does not empower them, but turns them into sex objects.
What exactly are the "dictates" of the Sexual Revolution? Is there a warning label on condoms I've missed that says "Only be to be used for empty, hedonistic, and immediate gratification. Not to be combined with love, affection, or commitment at any level"?
One of the things I hope you address in your book is the wide swarth of behaviors among singles somewhere between the false dichotomy of chastity and triple-digit hook-ups. Just as social conservatives are often (wrongfully) stereotyped as shame-ridden sexophobes, there's an equally-misleading tendency to describe all other behaviors as different only in degree.
Edited on March 26, 2012 at 6:55pmJul '11
Re: Has Sexual Liberation Made Women Happy?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
A quote that says nothing whatsoever about women but volumes about the old man. · 2 hours ago
That old man at the age of 20 had every one of his high school best friends, an rotc platoon trained and sent to Korea, die in a matter of 30 minutes defending some hill around Pusan. He is bitter and has had a couple of failed marriages.
Is the primary female need security? If so, the sexual revolution worsens that desire and creates unnecessary tension.