Happy Tuesday to Me!
Well, now that you mention it, why don't I pop in another Signing Time video for the kids and surf the 'net a little longer. Thanks, Bryan Caplan.
Here's an excerpt from Caplan's fascinating parenting piece (based on twin research) on the Ideas Market blog of the WSJ yesterday:
With a few exceptions, the effect of parenting on adult outcomes ranges from small to zero. ...
Once I became a dad, I noticed that parents around me had a different take on the power of nurture. I saw them turning parenthood into a chore—shuttling their kids to activities even the kids didn’t enjoy, forbidding television, desperately trying to make their babies eat another spoonful of vegetables. Parents’ main rationale is that their effort is an investment in their children’s future; they’re sacrificing now to turn their kids into healthy, smart, successful, well-adjusted adults. But according to decades of twin research, their rationale is just, well, wrong. High-strung parenting isn’t dangerous, but it does make being a parent a lot more work and less fun than it has to be.
The obvious lesson to draw is that parents should lighten up. ...
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Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
I've often wondered if I enjoy parenting more than some of my friends precisely because I have my children adapt to my schedule, don't have any scheduled activities for them, and encourage them to play in the backyard for as long as humanly possible.
On the other hand, I've always sort of admired those parents who juggle multiple sports activities and have their kids memorize epic poems by the age of four.
May '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
We just have a couple of activities the kids say they want to do: Scouts and Dance. School fills up the rest of the time, and we let them enjoy themselves.
Jun '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
As long as you expose kids to interesting things--simple as going to the zoo, to an art or science museum, to a big bookstore, or taking long trips once in awhile--their own curiosity will take over. It doesn't have to be so organized. It's probably more important what you don't let them do...like watch a lot of TV.
Jun '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
But sometimes kids who don't have a load of organized activities are left with no friends around to play with. So many of the kids form their friendships with other kids on their teams or in various activities that kids who don't take part are left out.
Jun '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
Ah....the anti-Tiger Mother argument. This is so much more in keeping with my style of parenting. But it's tough to be a slow-go parent here in northern Virginia, amongst all the go-go parents! Peer pressure, we all know, is almost as powerful among parents as among children.
Mar '11
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
I try as a parent to let my kid do things for himself (harder than doing it myself). So many parents are overly protective and/or controlling which doesn't instill a child's sense of responsibility and independence. Kids don't need allowances, they need chores and trial-and-error experiences. Maybe they need less "rides" and more walking there by themselves. Scouts are good for this--rewarding them for achieving goals. I just don't want to end up with a generation of victims looking for a nanny state.
Jan '11
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: I've often wondered if I enjoy parenting more than some of my friends precisely because I have my children adapt to my schedule, don't have any scheduled activities for them, and encourage them to play in the backyard for as long as humanly possible.
On the other hand, I've always sort of admired those parents who juggle multiple sports activities and have their kids memorize epic poems by the age of four. · Apr 12 at 7:25am
My sentiments exactly. I was delighted that my children chose to spend a lot of their free time playing first in the back yard, then (as they ventured farther) in the undeveloped semi-wilderness down the block where they and the rest of the neighborhood children built forts and clubhouses. And that getting out to a creek, pond, or state park was their preferred holiday activity.
But I still wish I'd managed to talk at least one of them into learning to play the piano.
Feb '11
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
In a similar vein, see P J O'Rourke's 'Irish Setter Dads' over at The Weekly Standard.
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
YES! Loved that, too. Thanks, JRB.
Jan '11
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
"Quit worrying" is fine advice, but to frame the idea of limiting TV and eating vegetables as "high-strung parenting" doesn't ring true. If eating veggies is normal in the family, it will not be such a big deal to the kid. When not watching the boob tube is a burden to the parent, children pick up that habit.
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
I see what you are saying here, Bolivar, but I guess what's so remarkable about this piece is that the science of twins shows that it actually doesn't matter! Whether you let the kids watch tons of TV or restrict it, whether they eat veggies and fruits daily or annually ... apparently it doesn't matter! The article essentially states that if you are an average parent in a First World country, there's not much you can do to help *or* hurt your kid. I'm amazed by the claim. Fascinated by it! Not totally willing to buy into it 100%, but maybe that's just my pessimistic, wary side.
Jan '11
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
My dad told me that a parent has the first five years to make an impact. After that, you just pay the bills and drive the car. The first five years are when you lay down rules, punish them when they transgress, or reward them when they do well. Lots of response in the first five years. By the time they get to five, though, the kids pick up their lives on their own. And in my experience, that was mostly true.
But now as I'm getting older, I'm amending that, at least for fathers. There was a time when I had both power and authority over my children. My oldest son is in college; I have no power over him anymore. (Don't tell anyone: he could kick my butt all over the house now.) But I still have authority. My blessing is important to him. He cares about what I tell him. He knows that I have experience that he could profit from.
Maybe in the first five years, parenting can be a verb. But if you're still trying to "parent" when he's ten, or eighteen, please stop. You're embarrassing.
Jun '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
"Maybe in the first five years, parenting can be a verb. But if you're still trying to "parent" when he's ten, or eighteen, please stop. You're embarrassing."
I strongly disagree with this. Kids need plenty of parenting past the age of five! The kids that don't get it will run amok & you'll have Lord of the Flies on your hands.
Jan '11
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
I have triplets and I can tell you that the family dynamics for multiples are vastly different from those of singleton households. Not easier or harder, just different. I suspect that results of this study are kind of skewed because of that fact. Parents in these families are centrally focused on matters that usually don't concern the parents of single children and can be completely hands off in other areas where a parent would normally want involvement. For instance, most parents don't created color coded charts and bottles to make sure that everyone had the proper feedings and wet diapers. Most parents have never been mobbed at the Walmart by a crowd people who just want to get a closer look. On the other hand, every book that I've read on the subject of multiples explains the importance of having ear plugs to block out the excessive crying that multiples produce because they learn how to work together to get mom hopping by six months of age. (I never had the guts to try that, BTW.) Also, multiples have instant playmates and require far less "entertaining," but will team up to flush the cat down the toilet.
May '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
Unbelievable. This article makes me so furious I am almost at a loss for words.
This article had much less to do with lightening up on extra-curricular activities than being a mushy post-modern excuse for one to abrogate all responsibilities of parenting.
We have a lot of problems in the world, not the least of which is that so many parents expect others to raise their children for them. Or, in the case of one of the above comments, let them raise themselves after they reach the age of five.
I don't understand the desire of some to relinquish all authority and responsibility for raising their own children. No, I take that back. I do understand because it is extraordinarily hard work to raise a child to be a responsible adult when one is surrounded and inundated by a culture that focuses on self-satisfaction above all else. Does the child left to their own devices and self-tutelage magically turn into something completely different when they achieve majority? So, why do the hard work when it is so easy to take the stance that nothing we do matters and let them figure it out for themselves?
Edited on Apr 13, 2011 at 7:51amMay '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
For those that haven't read the full article I'll give you two lovely quotes from it:
"Focus on enjoying your journey with your child, instead of trying to control his destination."
"Accept that your child's future depends mostly on him[.] Realize that the point of discipline is to make your kid treat the people around him decently—not to mold him into a better adult."
Being a good parent is not a futile attempt in "mold[ing] them to perfection". However, it is a 24/7/365 job that does not stop when they learn to tie their shoes. If you think you only have 5 years to make an impact, or no impact at all in the article, then it becomes appealing to wash your hands of your responsibilities and just "enjoy the journey" with your child.
The responsibility of raising my children are greater than anything else in the world. It is daunting to think that you are being evaluated every minute of every day against what you are teaching them. Is it easier to teach them every day and lead by example or use the excuse that it is all out of your hands?
Edited on Apr 13, 2011 at 5:17amJun '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
Great points, jmaybe.
As for enjoying the journey ---- I really could NOT enjoy the journey if my kids were chronically rude, unkind, slovenly, dishonest, etc. Good character doesn't just happen. It takes work to instill it in your kids.
My husband and I still "parent" our capable, independent 19 year old daughter, even though she lives in a NYC apartment. The relationship has certainly evolved, and our involvement has dropped off substantially, but she still calls on us for advice and guidance from time to time.
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
I took the article to be a necessary corrective against overparenting in the form of "ballet-soccer-piano-Chinese lessons" or "never play outside alone unsupervised." Not, "don't worry about your children's manners or education."
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
Also, I would add that the article seems to say that nature -- not nurture -- is the real powerforce here. The twin referencing is more about the fact that identical twins, separated at birth and raised in completely different family, economic, emotional, parental, etc. situations, end up as almost the exact same people as adults. This had apparently be replicated a number of times in a number of studies. (Cranky, it's not about households w/ multiples). One can argue with the science or the methods, but I think the point the author makes is that if you accept this science, as he does, then it seems to prove how little parenting effects the adult person. Obviously, many people here disagree. However, I have known plenty of wonderful parents with really difficult children and really difficult/absent/negligent parents of wonderful kids. Very anecdotal, of course, but I am intrigued by Caplan's scientific points.
May '10
Re: Happy Tuesday to Me!
If the point of the article was just to discredit the "tiger mom" theory of parenting I would be fine with that. However, the author takes some liberty in extrapolating from the results of whatever specific, though not cited, study he is referring to.
He makes a great leap when jumping from "[a] conclusion of twin research is that practically everything—health, intelligence, happiness, success, personality, values, interests—is partly genetic" to drawing a conclusion that "parenting on adult outcomes ranges from small to zero." And then making the leap to: "Realize that the point of discipline is to make your kid treat the people around him decently—not to mold him into a better adult." Not only is that last sentence contradictory it makes less and less sense every time one reads it...
There are so few examples of identical twins being raised apart that it is impossible to draw far reaching conclusions for the entire population from them. Research into mental disorders has attempted to use this method, but there are not enough samples to draw statistically relevant conclusions.