Green Claire Berlinski
I've stored up so many mental notes about the way the United States looks to me after a long period away that I'm not sure where to start. So in keeping with my universal advice to people who aren't sure where to start, I'll start small. For now, a quick observation: Whoever thought of this "Green" business is a marketing genius. I just can't believe what people are willing to buy, accept, and enthuse over on the grounds that it's "Green."
I stayed at a hotel the other night that proudly offered normal-sized bars of soap with a big, oblong hole cut out of the middle of the bar. The shape, according to the corrugated, earth-brown wrapper, was "Green." Green how? Well, this shape (topologically identical to both a donut and a coffee mug, incidentally) reduced waste, thereby saving the planet. I know, I know: How would this reduce waste any better than, say, offering guests a mini-bar of soap of exactly the kind that has been a hotel-room staple since the Second World War? Obviously, all you have to do is call something "Green" to draw a veil of smug satisfaction over the consumer's every higher cognitive function. It's amazing.
I know I'm not reporting from abroad now, and you've all probably seen this before, but I was more than a little taken aback to learn that if I wanted clean sheets and towels, I had to leave a card on the bed (a rough-hewn brown corrugated card, dyed to look eco-friendly) requesting that the planet be fouled. Does it occur to no one that giving into this blackmail and swilling about in dirty sheets will do nothing whatsoever to save the planet (certainly not so long as coal plants and cows keep pumping their emissions into the atmosphere), but will surely save the hoteliers a few bucks and put a few chambermaids out of work in the process? I guess not.
But don't get me wrong--I'm not outraged. I'm just in awe of the cleverness of the marketing. Really, I see a niche for myself. I've decided to rebrand: As of today, I'm no longer Claire Berlinski. I'm Green Claire Berlinski. From here on in, I'll be charging the same speaker's fee, but to save energy--mine, chiefly--I'll only speak for half the scheduled time. We'll reduce our electricity consumption by ending the discussion early (lights out!). If asked a difficult question, I'll just skip right over it and go to my closing remarks. I would have done that anyway, but now I'm doing it to save the planet.
I need to figure out where to get business cards made out of that kind of eco-friendly looking brown cardboard. Maybe I'll put a tree logo on them. Or has that been done to death? What about a gray squirrel, or a panda? You guys like that?
I'm quite relieved, Peter, that I don't have to worry about getting my clothes laundered before I pitch up on Uncommon Knowledge. You'll just explain my disheveled appearance as "Green," we'll take a moment or two to love our planet together, I'll make a few brief energy-saving remarks, you flash a little happy-tree symbol at the bottom of the screen, and we'll call it a day, okay?
Green Claire Berlinski. I'm really pleased that I thought of this before all the other pundits did.
Go Green!
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Comments :
Aug '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
I was going to write below that a good question to ask someone resident in Turkey is, How potent is that country's army? It is after all the only Moslem one that has actually fought with distinction, overseas, in our lifetimes, yet it's spent decades spinning its wheels with the PKK, a "force" that hasn't ever held an inch of territory yet retains some kind of plausibility. Instead or in addition to that question, though, I will suggest: what's it mean when a country in that neck of the world adopts Western pop neuroses like "green"-ness? Not that it really has: what you see on Turkish websites and what you see on Turkish soil are two different things. Nobody in Turkey ever gave me ideologically pure soap! But the impulse may be there...
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Instead of a handbag, you could carry your own personal compost bag. You know, to tote your used banana peels, orange rinds, coffee grounds, and potato skins. By walking everywhere, you'd be naturally turning it so it will become nice rich soil. If anyone wrinkles their nose at your "earthy" aroma, you can offer him or her a clothespin for their nose. The clothespins could also be used to hang up your damp garments (dryers are so evil) in the Uncommon Knowledge studios.
Jun '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Don't worry about asking for clean sheets. Now that you are on every interview I have seen in the last few days, and scheduled for every one I am about to see over the next week or so, your book must be approaching the million unit sales (Thanks Maggy). Being now elevated to the "Big Bucks" status, you can afford to buy my ecologically redemptive Carbon Offsets. I will be more than happy to send you a mailing address to receive your check. $100 increments only, please, 10 coupons per booklet Certainly this will be adequate to enjoy satin soft, heavenly smelling, tight, clean sheets.
I will, of course, plant a tree for every hundred bucks. Salvation is at hand.
May '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Ask for a reduction in the tarrif for every clean sheet/towel you have generously forgone for Gaia, and see how that fares. This green nonsense is nothing more than a modern day set of indulgences (insert Pope Al joke if you wish). I used to shop at Borders due to its extensive range, but then it started to charge for paper bags, and "Green-claimed" that the money was denoted to Greenpeace. You know what happend next, I now shop elsewhere in a Humvee wearing sealskin.
Jul '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
How crazy does this country seem to you after such a long time away? After the first three days you should have a pretty good idea.
Aug '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
well, in the interest of the difficult answers, then here's a curtailed difficult question: In the middle of the Ottoman Empire, did the Turks always ...... ?
May '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Since you started out "Orange", achieving "Green" is quite a change, nearly halfway around the color wheel! Perhaps its related to coming nearly halfway around the globe. By the time you reach the west coast you should be approaching purple!
May '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Ursula Hennessey: Instead of a handbag, you could carry your own personal compost bag. You know, to tote your used banana peels, orange rinds, coffee grounds, and potato skins. By walking everywhere, you'd be naturally turning it so it will become nice rich soil. If anyone wrinkles their nose at your "earthy" aroma, you can offer him or her a clothespin for their nose. The clothespins could also be used to hang up your damp garments (dryers are so evil) in the Uncommon Knowledge studios. · Aug 30 at 6:21am
Um, aren't we supposed to eat the potato(e) skins?
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Duane Oyen
Um, aren't we supposed to eat the potato(e) skins? · Aug 30 at 9:47am
Oh, you got me Duane! I gave away my wasteful self with that little slip-up.... SOOO mortifying.
May '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
The only thing Kurt Vonnegut got wrong is that we don't need government to artificially cripple ourselves.
Jun '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Claire, you could write a green spy novel, your protagonist could go by the name Clore A. Phyl. He would, of course, be licensed to kill and his ID number would be 00-ppm (as in parts per million). His weapon of choice would be an air pistol as real bullets when fired release CO2, to say nothing of the lead expelled. Clore A. Phil, being a lady’s man, might lead to some problems as far as clean sheets are concerned, but I’m sure we can work that problem out by describing a futuristic waterless sonic washing machine. As for your arch villain, I would suggest you name him Pol Lution. I generally see him as a Christian, possibly an Opus Dei Catholic—you know how evil they are, who does not recycle and double cups at Starbucks, because the end of the world is nigh. Why would you not double cup if the world is about to end? Explosions, given concerns over global warming, would be prohibited as a means of generating havoc, but you could create terror by means of a series of well timed natural disasters, Gaia in revolt, so to speak.
Edited on Aug 30, 2010 at 11:31amJul '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
The circle shape of the soap isn't just "Green", it's holistic. It represents that all things feed and nurture other things in the Great Wheel of Life, maaaaan.
May '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
My approach to being green is to offer to sell 'Methane Credits.'
Sold to vegans, vegetarians, and lovers of Tex Mex -- foods rich in indigestible fiber with it's resulting gastro-intestinal by-products -- I would, for a small fee, agree to allow them to eat a contracted number of meals of their choice. In return I would agree to eat only steak and other fully digestible foods, thereby allowing them to use my own allotment of said by-products while feeling no guilt for their contributions to greenhouse gases and global warming.
Thoughtful, wouldn't you agree?
Oh, an, Ursula, at TGI Friday's they charge extra to get JUST potato skins.
Aug '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
Claire Berlinski:
...you've all probably seen this before, but I was more than a little taken aback to learn that if I wanted clean sheets and towels, I had to leave a card on the bed (a rough-hewn brown corrugated card, dyed to look eco-friendly) requesting that the planet be fouled. Does it occur to no one that giving into this blackmail and swilling about in dirty sheets will do nothing whatsoever to save the planet... but will surely save the hoteliers a few bucks and put a few chambermaids out of work in the process? I guess not.
I wouldn't mind this practice if we got a discount for foregoing clean sheets and towels (though looked at the other way, this is being charged a fee for requesting them).
I first came across this practice in the desert, where altering standard hotel/motel practices to conserve water makes more sense. (In the desert, an extra fee for frequent linen changes may even be reasonable.)
If they were serious about conserving water, they'd build it into the price. That they don't is a sign to me that they're not serious.
Aug '10
Re: Green Claire Berlinski
I reduced by Carbon Footprint by reading Green Claire Berlinski. Thanks, Green Claire Berlinski.
Note: No CFLs were harmed in the making of this comment post.