Great Insults
One doesn't normally consider insults as signs of civility, but this collection of famous insults reminds me why I love pre-post-modern literature and oration.
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it " - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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Comments:
Mar '11
Re: Great Insults
twvolck: The Disraeli quotation, as I understand it, was actually uttered
before Disraeli's time, by John Bright, if memory serves.
I heard the Mark Twain quip about Wagner's music attributed to George Bernard Shaw talking about Brahms. That may be why you can't find it. · 31 minutes ago
Thanks, twvolck! That would explain it.
The problem with quoting Twain and Churchill is that they, through no fault of their own, get credit for so much that someone else actually said.
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
Another one that is apocryphal:
"I get sick … not because of drink [but because] I am forced to listen to the ranting of my honourable opponent." - Sir John A MacDonald, Canada's first Prime Minister and infamous alcoholic, immediately after vomiting on stage during a campaign debate.
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
Percival
The problem with quoting Twain and Churchill is that they, through no fault of their own, get credit for so much that someone else actually said. · 16 minutes ago
"I never said half the things I said" - Yogi Berra
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
"May your house appear live on CNN." - Serbian insult
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
Best inadvertent insult, from the 1987 Steve Martin Cyrano de Bergerac remake, Roxanne, when the bumbling Mayor Deebs toasts the townspeople after they successfully fight the fire:
Mayor Deebs: I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world!
Mar '11
Re: Great Insults
For years I've had by my desk a copy of "Shakespeare's Insults" which is cross-referenced by the appropriate situation for each to be used. It's been an indispensable resource during times of difficult negotiation.
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
Clare Booth Luce, on attempting to leave an elevator, or exit a door, before Dorothy Parker: "Age before Beauty."
The inimitable DP, shoving her aside and stalking out first: "Pearls before Swine."
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
I believe this is my own original work:
Some one once said to me, with regard to someone who just wasn't up to a particular task: "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."
My response: "That's not the worst of it. At this point, I'd be satisfied with the sow's ear. The real problem is you can't even make a sow's ear out of a horse's [rear end]."
I still find this aphorism applicable in many situations.
Edited on May 3, 2012 at 8:57pmSep '10
Re: Great Insults
"I never forget a face--but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
Jun '10
Re: Great Insults
My late brother was a partner is a small CPA firm. Once at lunch he told me that he'd had to let one of his employees go. His response, when I asked why: "He was born without an imagination."
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
Shakespeare insult generator.
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
"Is he going to say anything?"
"His quiet is the most beautiful sound in the world."
Apr '11
Re: Great Insults
This is from Clue - the Movie; one of the funniest (and dumbest) films ever made.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look foolish in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth the Butler: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Apr '11
Re: Great Insults
The King Prawn: I can't remember where it came from, but one person to another concerning a writing:
I understood every word you wrote but not one single sentence. · 24 hours ago
Must be talking about Noam Chompsky...
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
Yudansha
The King Prawn: I can't remember where it came from, but one person to another concerning a writing:
I understood every word you wrote but not one single sentence. · 24 hours ago
Must be talking about Noam Chompsky... · 4 minutes ago
"I recognize all three of those words but that statement doesn't make any sense." - Lisa Simpson commenting on a sign advertising a Yahoo Serious Festival.
Mar '11
Re: Great Insults
Bob Uecker, describing an umpire who was somewhat overweight: "If he was two inches inch taller, he'd be round".
The following is probably apochryphal. A member of parliament had recently been promoted from the House of Commons to the House of Lords. Asked how it was different, replied that it was like being promoted from the animals to the vegetables.
Apr '11
Re: Great Insults
"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met." -Abe LincolnAlways a favorite.
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
Yudansha: This is from Clue - the Movie; one of the funniest (and dumbest) films ever made.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look foolish in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth the Butler: You don't need any help from me, sir. · 38 minutes ago
Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker: Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help Ministers make fools of themselves.
Sir Humphrey: Well, I've never met one that needed any help.
- Yes Minister, Episode 6 (March 31, 1980)
Jun '10
Re: Great Insults
This isn't an insult aimed at a person, but a common event: the violin solo. This is Bertie Wooster's opinion:
Jan '12
Re: Great Insults
Epigram engraved on the collar of a dog which Alexander Pope gave to the king's son:
I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?