Great Insults
One doesn't normally consider insults as signs of civility, but this collection of famous insults reminds me why I love pre-post-modern literature and oration.
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it " - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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Comments:
May '10
Re: Great Insults
“I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.” --William F. Buckley, Jr.
My favorite of all time is this one, from the lyrics of Mr. Grinch:
"Your heart is full of unwashed socks; your soul is full of garbage."
I just looked it up, and apparently the final word is actually "gunk", but for some reason I have always remembered it as "garbage" and I prefer it that way.
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
Amy Schley
It's not Twain, but one of my favorite bits of music criticism:
"An orchestra playing Stravinsky is like two girls kissing -- a terrible waste of the raw material." · 7 hours ago
I do not have to look at your name or picture to know that you are not a man.
Feb '12
Re: Great Insults
Mark Wilson: “I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.” --William F. Buckley, Jr.
My favorite of all time is this one, from the lyrics ofMr. Grinch:
"Your heart is full of unwashed socks; your soul is full of garbage."
I just looked it up, and apparently the final word is actually "gunk", but for some reason I have always remembered it as "garbage" and I prefer it that way. · 5 hours ago
It's "gunk" because the next line is
"The three best words to describe you are as follows, and I quote: stink, stank, stunk!"
Worst part of Christmas is working retail and having to listen to those bloody songs all day.
Edited on May 3, 2012 at 3:05pmMay '10
Re: Great Insults
Believe it or not, I own some Marx Brothers films on DVD. One of my favorite Groucho lines is:
"How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away."
May '10
Re: Great Insults
"Everyday you act worse, but today - you're acting like tomorrow."
Fred Astaire to Randolph Scott in The Gay Divorcee (RKO, 1934)
Jan '11
Re: Great Insults
His argument is as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death - Abe Lincoln
Mar '11
Re: Great Insults
"Go on writing plays, my boy, One of these days one of these London producers will go into his office and say to his secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says, 'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy."
George Bernard Shaw to William Douglas Home
Edited on May 3, 2012 at 6:30pmJul '11
Re: Great Insults
This is a personal favorite, and older than the others, but still good.
"No longer from head to food than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a glove; I could find out countries in her." -Shakespeares Antipholus -Comedy of Errors
Mar '11
Re: Great Insults
This one has always amused me as it is can be seen as either an excellent insult or a clever observation:
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."
Olin Miller
Jun '10
Re: Great Insults
Literary, dramatic and other critics have tossed out their share of insults and received insults back in return. Here are a few of both kinds that I've collected:
Edited on May 3, 2012 at 6:50pmApr '11
Re: Great Insults
And the quotation that describes the Obama administration and the liberal elite - "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
Mar '11
Re: Great Insults
J.Voss: This is a personal favorite, and older than the others, but still good.
"No longer from head to food than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a glove; I could find out countries in her." -Shakespeares Antipholus -Comedy of Errors · 7 minutes ago
As far as Shakespeare goes:
Aug '11
Re: Great Insults
The Disraeli quotation, as I understand it, was actually uttered
before Disraeli's time, by John Bright, if memory serves.
I heard the Mark Twain quip about Wagner's music attributed to George Bernard Shaw talking about Brahms. That may be why you can't find it.
Jul '11
Re: Great Insults
Percival
As far as Shakespeare goes:
19 minutes ago
Nice one, I had forgotten it.
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." - George Bernard Shaw
"He left his body to science - and science is contesting the will." - David Frost
Nov '10
Re: Great Insults
Wonderful! We have laughed until our sides ached!
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
"Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it." - John Cleese in The World Is Not Enough
"I just wanted to say to you by the way of introductory remarks that I'm extremely miffed about today's events and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappines, I'm likely to use an awful lot of - what we would call - violent sexual imagery and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that." - Malcolm Tucker's least-offensive insult from The Thick of It
"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." - The Principal from Billy Madison
"You're the s**test James Bond ever. You're David f**king Niven!" - Jamie from The Thick of It
Edited on May 3, 2012 at 7:47pmApr '11
Re: Great Insults
While looking for another quote from Calvin Coolidge, I came across this one:
Edited on May 3, 2012 at 7:38pm"Any man who does not like dogs and want them about does not deserve to be in the White House. "~Calvin Coolidge
Well, we know the president likes dogs, though not in the way Coolidge meant and though I am sure Silent Cal would have not thought his quip an insult, I would like to submit it for your approval.
Dec '10
Re: Great Insults
Everything Cyrano says in response to the insult, "Your nose is rather large."
Aug '10
Re: Great Insults
The following example is completely apocryphal, and may have no basis in fact.
MP: "Mr. Speaker, I rise on a point of order to request a clarification of the rules. Would it be considered unparliamentary language to call the member opposite a 'dirty stinking liar'?"
The Speaker: "Yes, that would be unparliamentary."
MP: "Thank you, Mr. Speaker."
Jul '11
Re: Great Insults
Misthiocracy: "I just wanted to say to you by the way of introductory remarks that I'm extremely miffed about today's events and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappines, I'm likely to use an awful lot of - what we would call - violent sexual imagery and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that." - Malcolm Tucker's least-offensive insult from The Thick of It
"You're the s**test James Bond ever. You're David f**king Niven!" - Jamie from The Thick of It · 14 minutes ago
Edited 5 minutes ago
Misthiocracy,
Thank you for remembering these! This is one of my favorite shows!