For Your Excuse Files
Mollie Hemingway, Ed. ·
Jul 17, 2011 at 1:41pm
As I'm sitting here watching Team USA compete in overtime of the Women's World Cup final, I came across this awesome excuse I'm going to use next time I fail a drug test:
FRANKFURT, Germany -- North Korea officials blamed traditional musk deer gland medicine used after a lightning strike for five positive tests for steroids at the Women's World Cup, the biggest soccer doping scandal at a major tournament in 17 years.
They say if you're going to lie, do so in outlandish fashion. Who could deny that traditional musk deer gland medicine used after a lighting strike might cause five positive tests for steroids?
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Aug '10
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Jeeze Louise! What's the world coming to when you can't confidently use your musk deer gland for lightning strike treatment!? Talk about nanny state control!
Jun '10
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Common mistake. You've got to use North American white-tailed deer glands... not musk deer... otherwise you're in a clear violation.
Jun '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Yes, I will also add this to my list of excuses.
Right up there with, "Teacher, I swear I did my math homework but the cat ate it."
Or
"Officer, come to think of it, I have been on some cold medication."
Or
"Honey, I'm sorry. I just lost track of the time. You know how much I like going to Bob and Jane's wine and cheese soirees."
Jun '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Quite so. I always keep a confident supply of musk deer gland oil on hand except that mine is kept in a bottle labelled "Grey Goose."
Mar '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
If the traditional way to take your musk deer gland medicine after a lightening strike is to slather it on a poppy seed bagel, then they'd be OK for opiates also.
Re: For Your Excuse Files
I actually did fail a couple of drug tests back when I was applying for military academies. The technician finally told me to lay off the poppyseeds and I passed shortly thereafter.
Jun '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
I actually did fail a couple of drug tests back when I was applying for military academies. The technician finally told me to lay off the poppyseeds and I passed shortly thereafter. · Jul 17 at 2:30pm
Mollie, thank you. I have another excuse to add to my list.
"Well, sir, I do have a rather strong attraction to poppy seed bagels."
Jun '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
As always, Basil, you bring a certain clarity to these discussions.
Personally, I am an advocate for dual sporting leagues.
One league would permit steroids, enhancers and any chemical at all which can make the human body faster and stronger.
The other league would have rigorous and ongoing drug tests. The All Natural League.
I wonder which league would attract more viewers on a cold Sunday afternoon in November.
Mar '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
michael kelley
As always, Basil, you bring a certain clarity to these discussions.
Personally, I am an advocate for dual sporting leagues.
One league would permit steroids, enhancers and any chemical at all which can make the human body faster and stronger.
The other league would have rigorous and ongoing drug tests. The All Natural League.
I wonder which league would attract more viewers on a cold Sunday afternoon in November. · Jul 17 at 2:43pm
I think the verdict is already in on this one.
Jun '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Raw Prawn
michael kelley
As always, Basil, you bring a certain clarity to these discussions.
Personally, I am an advocate for dual sporting leagues.
One league would permit steroids, enhancers and any chemical at all which can make the human body faster and stronger.
The other league would have rigorous and ongoing drug tests. The All Natural League.
I wonder which league would attract more viewers on a cold Sunday afternoon in November. · Jul 17 at 2:43pm
I think the verdict is already in on this one. · Jul 17 at 2:58pm
Yes, we adore people who can run a 4'3' forty and dunk backwards five different ways.
Ya gotta love it.
May '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
I read this news last night and somehow came apon this interesting story on North Korean soccer.
Apr '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Hence, 80% of Americans support tax hikes.
Jun '10
Re: For Your Excuse Files
I'm sure Noam Chomsky believed it.
Jul '10
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Not to be a wet blanket, but the North Korean athletes are often subject to torture after international competitions where they don't do well. Think of a state run by psychotics -- we're not quite there yet -- and you get an idea.
May '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
michael kelley
Raw Prawn
michael kelley
As always, Basil, you bring a certain clarity to these discussions.
Personally, I am an advocate for dual sporting leagues.
One league would permit steroids, enhancers and any chemical at all which can make the human body faster and stronger.
The other league would have rigorous and ongoing drug tests. The All Natural League.
I wonder which league would attract more viewers on a cold Sunday afternoon in November. · Jul 17 at 2:43pm
I think the verdict is already in on this one. · Jul 17 at 2:58pm
Yes, we adore people who can run a 4'3' forty and dunk backwards five different ways.
Ya gotta love it. · Jul 17 at 3:30pm
I miss Barry Bonds with his oversized melon on his oversized body crushing the "bleep" out the ball. Performance enhancers = enjoyment enhancement.
Mar '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Lutherans eat poppy seed bagels?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
I actually did fail a couple of drug tests back when I was applying for military academies. The technician finally told me to lay off the poppyseeds and I passed shortly thereafter. · Jul 17 at 2:30pm
Apr '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Basil Fawlty: Lutherans eat poppy seed bagels?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
I actually did fail a couple of drug tests back when I was applying for military academies. The technician finally told me to lay off the poppyseeds and I passed shortly thereafter. · Jul 17 at 2:30pm
Jul 17 at 4:01pm
Told ya they're dangerous.
Edited on Jul 17, 2011 at 4:04pmRe: For Your Excuse Files
Basil Fawlty: Lutherans eat poppy seed bagels?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
I actually did fail a couple of drug tests back when I was applying for military academies. The technician finally told me to lay off the poppyseeds and I passed shortly thereafter. · Jul 17 at 2:30pm
Jul 17 at 4:01pm
Only if there's good coffee.
Apr '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
Getting struck by lightning has now been prohibited by the governing boards of International Womans' Soccer. A testing procedure has yet to be determined.
May '11
Re: For Your Excuse Files
North Korea is a slave state. Playing games with them is complicity. Maybe I can't convince the right people to please finally go bomb those anti-human monsters out of their ratholes in Pyongyang, but at least perhaps we could see less nonsense controversy about "sports doping" with regard to North Korea.
When did genocidal tyranny become something that we won't even bother ourselves to notice? That place is more horrific than most will allow themselves to contemplate.