For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Mona Charen’s recent article in National Review takes up the “problem of the decline in marriageable males[,]” and places the blame on women for their role in the sexual revolution. Women, she writes, have “conspired in their own disempowerment not because they love their sexual freedom (though a few may), but because people like Gloria Steinem . . . convinced them that the old sexual mores, along with marriage and children, were oppressive to women.”
While I am less confident than Charen that most women make the choices she describes out of feminist self-assertion rather than personal weakness and conformity with the prevailing social expectation, she is right about the results. Human conduct, however, does not take place in a vacuum. Yes, human beings of both sexes are responsible for their personal choices. Nevertheless, we are conventional creatures. In the aggregate, upbringing, politics and the social environment play a tremendous role in the choices people make.
When college dorms went co-ed, relatively few irate parents sent their tuition money elsewhere. While I do not mean to judge individual parents who permit their children to choose a college based on any number of considerations, it is safe to say that the change in living arrangements caused little consternation overall. When Sex and the City debuted, unless the ratings lie, relatively few people turned the TV off. Public funds routinely pay for free contraceptives in the schools. And the list goes on.
Another article looks at the problem from a slightly different angle. Blogger Heartiste partially concurs with Charen, arguing that women choose unreliable men in their “zeal to delay marriage until their careers have been established . . . .” He also cites what he terms “misandrist divorce laws.” When one gets past the sarcasm and apparent rancor (which is considerable), one finds that he makes an interesting case. Surely he is right in implying that we should reconsider aspects of family law, including no-fault divorce. Heartiste does not mention, at least in this particular posting, the fact that the culture as a whole tends to denigrate men’s role in the household. Cartoons and TV shows, for example, often depict husbands and fathers as useless oafs—think of Homer Simpson.
Heartiste places the blame on women for their predicament, but he also mulls over how the family law, commerce and religion affect social mores. He is right to do so, because these things have tremendous impact. If we want to improve the marriage prospects for our daughters (and let’s face it, for our sons as well), our chances are considerably better if we create a legal and social environment conducive to marriage. So, everybody, how do we go about doing that?
- Comment (100)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (11)
Comments:
Oct '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
It begins in the family. Husband and wife, honoring one another and raising their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Husbands being godly role models for their sons and mothers their daughters. Young men who desire to mature into manhood rather than aspiring to perpetual childhood, and young women who will reserve their "charms" for a mature young man. This is a good start.
Oct '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Considering the length of time required to deconstruct the current web that needs to be undone, speaks to a daunting task.
A shopping list would include restoring meritocracy in education, personal responsibiltiy, and respect for individuals. And not based on the premise that they breathe. Just consuming resources by no means makes one equal.
That being stated in an overly simple fashion, know the effort will need to remake some thirty years of groundwork to cure todays model. Not backward, just overcome a great challenge and move forward. Going to be a boot strap thing.
Other thank that, could a woman today state that she has met a Gentleman in the flesh ? And not feel challenged or diminished by the presence of same ? Just a thought.
Edited on October 31, 2011 at 5:28amOct '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Thanks for sharing that, LT. I would also add that the trend of the past 30 or so years to blur the distinctions between male and female have also left fewer incentives for establishing families.
Apr '11
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
In my 18 years of continuous marriage to the same man, I've found generally that when I've been a better wife, I've had a better husband, and vice versa. A good-sized portion of marriage consists in how you approach it.
Aug '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Women also hurt their chances for marriage by sleeping with men prior to marriage. Sex is a significant motivator for men to get married. If they can get it without marrying why bother?
Edited on October 31, 2011 at 1:42pmFeb '11
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
A good blog that discusses these issues, and has generally intellligent coment threads, is Susan Walsh's Hooking Up Smart.
Dec '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
In Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World everybody is a test tube baby and has been engineered to be an Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta or Epsilon. Alphas are the most intelligent and destined for role demanding high mental acumen, i.e. professional/leadership roles. Epsilons are the least intelligent and destined for jobs involving physical labor. The Betas, Gammas and Deltas fill in the spectrum of mental vs. physical abilities.
Reproduction and sex have been separated and liaisons are temporary. Alpha males will only have sexual relations with Alpha or Beta females. Alpha females will only have sexual relations with Alpha males.
The above is a fairly accurate description of modern mating. The problem is, currently, more women than men complete college. The gap grows in graduate school. There are more Alpha women than Alpha men. The pool of Alpha males is further shrunk by the fact that Alpha males will mate with Beta females.
Women refuse to “date down”, i.e. date a man of lower achievement. Unless they want to remain single, they need to change their behavior.
Dec '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Frozen Chosen: Women also hurt their chances for marriage by sleeping with men prior to marriage. Sex is a significant motivator for men to get married. If they can get it without marrying why bother? · Oct 31 at 5:42am
Edited on Oct 31 at 05:42 am
The idea underlying this line of reasoning is that sex is fun for men, but not for women, that women are doing men a favor by having sex with them. Women play at sex to get love; men play at love to get sex.
While I do not buy into the idea that the attitudinal differences towards sex between women and men are purely social constructs, I do believe that past practices artificially heightened the natural tendency of women to be more selective than men in selecting sexual partners.
The old “Why buy the cow when the milk is free” argument is not going to fly when the cow so enjoys the milking.
Nov '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
One observation I have made: When I was young, all the divorces around me were caused by men leaving wives for younger women. These days, I see the opposite situation. All around me I see women leaving their husbands, in search of "greater fullfilment" or something similar. I believe that statistics bear me out--that divorces are overwhelmingly initiated by the wives.
It's definitely true that we need reformed divorce laws, and I have begun to understand why there are so many men who are bitter, cynical, and negative about marriage and about women in general.
Feb '11
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
"The problem is, currently, more women than men complete college. The gap grows in graduate school. There are more Alpha women than Alpha men...Women refuse to “date down”, i.e. date a man of lower achievement."
The common conflation of "achievement" with "educational credentials" is part of the problem here, as with so many of our social problems. It's a little ridiculous that a woman with a masters degree in some squishy-soft subject would view a man in a highly-skilled trade (a toolmaker, let's say) and would prefer instead a man with some equally useless degree whose career future will be underpaid adjunct professor (if he is lucky) or Starbucks barista (if he is not), but it seems to happen often.
Dec '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
david foster: "The problem is, currently, more women than men complete college. The gap grows in graduate school. There are more Alpha women than Alpha men...Women refuse to “date down”, i.e. date a man of lower achievement."
The common conflation of "achievement" with "educational credentials" is part of the problem here, as with so many of our social problems. It's a little ridiculous that a woman with a masters degree in some squishy-soft subject would view a man in a highly-skilled trade (a toolmaker, let's say) and would prefer instead a man with some equally useless degree whose career future will be underpaid adjunct professor (if he is lucky) or Starbucks barista (if he is not), but it seems to happen often. · Oct 31 at 7:24am
Agreed
Nov '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
david foster:
The common conflation of "achievement" with "educational credentials" is part of the problem here, as with so many of our social problems.
For another take on the credentialism problem, see QuickerBrownFox's post on yesterday's Member Feed.
Mar '11
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
I have written on this issue in another (very controversial thread). It is clear to me that men are more likely to opt out of the real world, forcing women to either marry "down", or stay single.
It is a profound problem.
Sep '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Frozen Chosen: Women also hurt their chances for marriage by sleeping with men prior to marriage. Sex is a significant motivator for men to get married. If they can get it without marrying why bother? · Oct 31 at 5:42am
Edited on Oct 31 at 05:42 am
AMEN! And then there's porn ...
Women may enjoy sex, but it's just not the same. Sex is a huge motivator with men. Like everything else, when you can get it for free, someone offering it at a price isn't going to get many takers.
Dec '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Do any of these articles actually give any evidence at all that there are fewer "eligible bachelors" today than there were yesterday, or am I just suppose to take that as a given? Because I have yet to see or read anything that leads me to believe that this is a case of "There are less and less good men" as oppose to "Modern women don't know what they want in a relationship" + "Woman have historically always been more worried over their chances of finding a partner than men."
From reading Mona Charen it seems the problems are
1) Women aren't settling down until they feel they have finished "sowing their oats" and by that time they have unlearned how to be in a committed relationship.
2) Woman don't want gender roles to define themselves, but still use gender roles to determine the worth of a man(i.e. his income as oppose to hers)
3) Woman are so consumed with the fear of being alone they let men get away with murder in the name of "keeping them"
None of those problems have anything to do with the quality of the field except maybe number 3.
Mar '11
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
You don't think the higher achievement (in terms of raw grades and numbers) of women in high school, college, and grad school is evidence of fewer equivalent men?
Nov '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
Perhaps an enterprising individual should start a mail order groom business in China. I hear they have plenty of extra males laying about. That would be one way to quell the much feared rise of Sino aggression stemming from their surplus of unmarried men.
Dec '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
I'm continually amazed at the responses I've recived this year after telling people that we've just celebrated our 25th wedding anniverary. Most treat it as though I've said 50th. Honestly, it's not always been easy and it takes a lot of work to navigate through the many twists and turns that life takes us. Having just finished Grad School (OK - So I'm a late bloomer) I find any individuals in their 30s who are totally lost. The men come across as adult children and the women having delayed commitment are now stuck with the rubes. Generally speaking, both sexes come across as overly self-absorbed. From my perspective I'd hate to be in their shoes..
Edited on October 31, 2011 at 5:01pmAug '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
My wife of 26 years would definitely agree with you on that point...
Jul '10
Re: For Today's Women, Few Marriageable Men
And some guys just find it more enjoyable to live in a nag-free zone.