For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Dear Diary,
At this point, I don't think I could get a break if I did a double backflip reverse twist, Gerald Ford style, all the way down the steps of Air Force One. I just don't get these people. First they complained that I was disconnected from the American people. Me! So I took a bus. A bus (!) of all things, into the heartland. Not good enough. They began counting the vehicles in the motorcade and asking why I expect everyone else to ride around in golf carts while it takes a village of 40 vehicles to get me from one end of a corn field to the other. But what did they expect me to travel in? A Smart Car? This kind of thing isn't easy to put together, ya know. It takes serious logistical work. I mean, it's not exactly like taking the Missus to a Broadway show. Uh, scratch that. Besides, if I can put that many people to work just hauling me around the midwest, imagine how many more people I can put to work doing other important things for the government! What did they think Fundamental Transformation was all about in the first place?
They complained when I didn't connect with the people. Then they complained when I connected with the people. So, let them eat food stamps. I'm on vacation. My advisors said it might not be a good idea, but with the economy going down faster than Michael Moore on a seesaw, I might not have many more bites at the apple. Speaking of apples, did you know they contain 65 calories, zero fat, zero trans fat, zero cholesterol, and enough fiber to keep you occupied for at least an hour? At least that's what the First Lady keeps telling me. She never stops telling me, in fact, which is why I keep sending her on these vacations. "We can make a commitment to promote vegetables and fruits and whole grains on every part of every menu," she says. "Tell it to King Carlos," says I, and off she goes to Spain.
Meanwhile, I have to do something about Joe Biden's favorite three-letter word: "JOBS." While I'm at it, maybe I can get Joe to focus on a seven-letter word: "SHADDAP." First he speaks approvingly of China's one-child policy, which is all well and good by me, …but is it too much to ask him to keep quiet about it? Joe never could master the concept of the unexpressed opinion, and he spent so much time in the Senate that he can wander about the rhetorical gardens for days at a time without ever tripping on a good idea. Oh well, since he's so good at counting letters, maybe I should put HIM in charge of the new Jobs initiative.
But the answer is simple, isn't it? Tax those who can afford it! I can afford it. At least for the moment, because the taxpayers are picking up the tab for the bus, the His and Her's jets to Martha's Vineyard, and other amenities that lessen the burden of office. But I can hear the Republicans already. "There he goes again. He sounds like he suffers from Tourette Syndrome, saying 'Tax the rich. Tax the rich.'" I know things are tough right now. GDP is limping along at 1.28 percent growth, unemployment is much higher than I said it would be, the debt is now at 100 percent of GDP, the government's credit rating has taken a hit (but I'm not through with S&P yet). But look at the bright side: My EPA is working on new carbon emissions regulations, my NLRB told Boeing where it could and could not open a new plant, my healthcare law will soon be open for business (which means the American people will need more of those apples to keep the doctors away since they're starting to leave private practice), I've just ordered the basic implementation of the Dream Act despite the refusal of Congress to approve it, I've notified the enemy when we will be leaving Afghanistan, and I still have some vacation days left! What can go wrong?
On the other hand, what if that wasn't an earthquake the other day? What if that rumbling was actually the other shoe dropping on my chances of re-election? Good thing I still have some frequent flyer miles left on Air Force One. Time for golf!
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Comments :
Aug '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
How about we give him a 600 foot ladder , a hod of mortar , and a trowel ?
Give him one thing to fix before leaves. I heard the Monument is leaning to the left anyway.
May '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Flownover, I spend as much time rereading your comments as I do reading the original post. How's your guest house?
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
flownover: How about we give him a 600 foot ladder , a hod of mortar , and a trowel ?
Give him one thing to fix before leaves. I heard the Monument is leaning to the left anyway. · Aug 24 at 7:27pm
I expect his monument to lean even more so.
May '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Dave, by the time I got to your last paragraph I couldn't wait to read your suggestion for the earthquake. I will never be able to guess what you're going to say next. Oh, my good Lord, you are funny!
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Well Andrea, that makes two of us.
May '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
How entertaining for yourself. It's so much more fun when you get to be surprised, too, with what you say. I do it all the time.
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Exactly! I spend so much time laughing at me, I don't know why others shouldn't get a chance every now and then.
Jul '11
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Dave,
With your extensive over the road experience, surely you are qualified to drive the Canadian built POTUS bus. It may be a bit of a demotion, but think of the comedic opportunities. You and Barack, with a kind of inverse Driving Ms. Daisy vibe.
Greetings from Greenville.
Jun '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
I know circuses that didn't use this many cars. But, come to think of it, they didn't have as many clowns workin' the ring.
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
Scott: Dave,
With your extensive over the road experience, surely you are qualified to drive the Canadian built POTUS bus. It may be a bit of a demotion, but think of the comedic opportunities. You and Barack, with a kind of inverse Driving Ms. Daisy vibe.
Greetings from Greenville. · Aug 24 at 8:23pm
Scott, that would be more of a Driving Me Crazy vibe.
And greetings from Jersey! I spent part of the day in the Bronx, where they had good country cooking! And the people were friendly too. They're still crazier than moon bats when they get behind the wheel, ...but I found them to be quite personable in person. I have to rethink some things now...
Aug '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
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Edited on Aug 25, 2011 at 7:43amMay '10
Re: For The President, It's Lonely At The Top
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