Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Every now and then, it's a good idea to surf over to the .uk domain and look at what's in the British papers. And since it's Friday, we all need a little diversion.
From the Daily Mail, a weird but interesting piece about five women who married men that they didn't love.
Three of them are still married to the guy. (I don't think the ones in the photo are still together, but that's probably more about the hair....)
Of the three that worked, one was a fast-moving internet thing:
'I saw that he was in Atlanta, U.S., but I still sent him a message complimenting his writing. He replied and we struck up some email banter. We then began talking daily on the phone and realised there was some real chemistry.
'After four months, Edward asked me to fly to Atlanta to marry him. Most of my friends and family were horrified but sometimes in life you have to go with your gut instinct.
'In November 2007, I travelled to Atlanta and knew instantly that we were going to have an amazing life. I didn’t love him then — because I think that takes time — but I knew it would come.
One is your garden-variety Indian arranged marriage:
'My family kept telling me what a wonderful husband he’d make and how our zodiac charts showed the best match they had ever seen.
'So, two week’s later, we announced our engagement. My mother is never wrong about anything and I trusted her to get this right too
'After an amazing traditional wedding in India, we came back to the UK. My British friends were shocked. And I won’t deny the first three years were very testing — we were, after all, both living with strangers.
'But slowly, day by day, as I got to know Amarjit’s kindness and humour, love grew.
'Now he is not only my best friend, he is my one and only true love.'
And one is basically a Lifetime TV movie:
'We’d been dating ten months when he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma — a very rare cancer that affects the spine and back.
'He underwent radiotherapy to shrink the tumours and doctors told him the treatment could leave him infertile. Neither of us knew that I was in the early stages of pregnancy.
'The thought of a childless future nursing a sick man terrified me and, as heartless as it sounds, I told Jason I wanted to end it.
''I’d have been the cruellest woman in the world to cancel the wedding and not continue with the pregnancy when it would make Jason so happy.
'The first year of our marriage was hellish — Jason just wanted us to be a family whereas I felt that marriage and motherhood had been forced upon me.
'We were approaching our fourth anniversary when Jason’s cancer returned with a vengeance. His underwent a bone marrow transplant but his prognosis was grim.
'Suddenly, the thought of losing this wonderful, caring husband and father was unbearable.
'I realised then — for the first time — how deeply I loved him.
'I stayed by his bed for six weeks telling him over and over that I loved him — trying to make up for all the times I’d never said it before.
'He pulled through and has been cancer free for the past nine years.
'Despite our shaky start, I now adore him and believe we will be together for ever.'
The ones that didn't work are, as Tolstoy might have said, pretty much alike.
Is this the way great marriages work? Is this the way love works, in general? Part of me thinks the answer to both questions is "yes."
But then, I'm not married.
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Comments :
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Rob Long
The ones that didn't work are, as Tolstoy might have said, pretty much alike.
But in Tolstoy's world, it's the happy ones that are all the same and the unhappy ones that are all unhappy in their own way.
Jan '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
I really think people often get love confused with that chemical reaction that usually happens at the beginning of a relationship. They watch one too many episodes of All My Children and start to believe that if they've lost that lusting feeling then the marriage must be over.
It seems to me that real love is more akin to loyalty than to lust.
Edited on Apr 1, 2011 at 12:45pmJun '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Diane Ellis, Ed.
Rob Long
The ones that didn't work are, as Tolstoy might have said, pretty much alike.
But in Tolstoy's world, it's the happy ones that are all the same and the unhappy ones that are all unhappy in their own way. · Apr 1 at 12:36pm
One of the best opening sentences in all of literature.
Jun '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
I have several friends from Nepal. I was speaking with one guy in his fifties who told me that he met his wife about 10 minutes before the wedding ceremony. He was completely panicked about whether he would be attracted to her, have chemistry, etc. When he saw her, he said, "Pheeeewww!" She was very beautiful and he was much relieved. They've been married happily for close to thirty years. Also, being in the high-tech industry, I've seen many instances of Indians, Pakistanis, and others who go on a long vacation to their homeland and come back married. One time, one of my employees showed me a picture of his forthcoming mate. He really wanted my opinion/approval about whether she was beautiful or not. Fortunately, I didn't have to lie. He seemed to have gotten a good one. I don't know how, but it seems to work for many cultures, but the thought of trusting my mother to choose a suitable partner for me is one of the most frightening thoughts I can imagine. Best wishes to all who take the plunge, no matter which path they take.
Mar '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Cranky1: I really think people often get love confused with that chemical reaction that usually happens at the beginning of a relationship. · Apr 1 at 12:44pm
Edited on Apr 01 at 12:45 pm
Love is not a feeling, it is a set of actions. That set of chemical reactions, more accurately called lust, always goes away. It is actually love that leads a couple to remain together, as long as one or both of them know what love really is.
Dec '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
It matters less how you were thrown together than how you've grown together. Without a blending and intertwining of the two partners' lives, the marriage remains fragile and unstable.
Dec '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Given that children are usually conditioned to see their parents as the models of what marriage partners should be like, it actually makes more sense than it might seem to have one's parents choose one's mate. That is, if one's parents have a sense of concern for their child's well-being and happiness, as opposed to being solely focused on how the union will affect the family's socioeconomic status.
Mar '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Rob
I do not know the formula, yet at 52 I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 30+ years. (yes through a five year betrothment during college, does that give me more credit?). Buck is right that the chemical part will not make it enduring. Perhaps it is more like meatloaf and potatoes, comfort food.
As for not being married Rob, I am not sure that Ricochet is the correct site to help change your status. :)
Jan '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
GLDIII: Rob
I do not know the formula, yet at 52 I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 30+ years. (yes through a five year betrothment during college, does that give me more credit?). Buck is right that the chemical part will not make it enduring. Perhaps it is more like meatloaf and potatoes, comfort food.
As for not being married Rob, I am not sure that Ricochet is the correct site to help change your status. :) · Apr 1 at 1:21pm
Assuming he wants to change his status.
Mar '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Cranky1
GLDIII: Rob
I do not know the formula, yet at 52 I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 30+ years. (yes through a five year betrothment during college, does that give me more credit?). Buck is right that the chemical part will not make it enduring. Perhaps it is more like meatloaf and potatoes, comfort food.
As for not being married Rob, I am not sure that Ricochet is the correct site to help change your status. :) · Apr 1 at 1:21pm
Assuming he wants to change his status. · Apr 1 at 1:32pm
Yes who are we to ponder the thoughts of a single guy posting about the mysteries of what make a marriage successful. Could just be a coincidence.
Jan '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
GLDIII
Cranky1
GLDIII: Rob
I do not know the formula, yet at 52 I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 30+ years. (yes through a five year betrothment during college, does that give me more credit?). Buck is right that the chemical part will not make it enduring. Perhaps it is more like meatloaf and potatoes, comfort food.
As for not being married Rob, I am not sure that Ricochet is the correct site to help change your status. :) · Apr 1 at 1:21pm
Assuming he wants to change his status. · Apr 1 at 1:32pm
Yes who are we to ponder the thoughts of a single guy posting about the mysteries of what make a marriage successful. Could just be a coincidence. · Apr 1 at 1:51pm
We could put a list together...
Jul '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Cranky1
We could put a list together... · Apr 1 at 1:56pm
3 words:
Ricochet Singles Tab
Jan '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Centuries ago, most marriage were "arranged," but parents usually wouldn't force two people together who hated each other. Besides, in the Christian tradition, the consent of the spouses is what makes the sacrament, so you couldn't really impose very much.
But, what horror is the idea of someone choosing a suitable partner for you! Nowadays, people would never think of having parents choose their partner.
After all, you can go to a website and have a computer match you to someone. Yes, we've come so far, haven't we?
May '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Cas Balicki
Diane Ellis, Ed.
Rob Long
The ones that didn't work are, as Tolstoy might have said, pretty much alike.
But in Tolstoy's world, it's the happy ones that are all the same and the unhappy ones that are all unhappy in their own way. · Apr 1 at 12:36pm
One of the best opening sentences in all of literature. · Apr 1 at 12:55pm
Agreed, agreed. However, my personal all-time favorite is Anthony Burgess's "It was the afternoon of my eighty-first birthday, and I was in bed with my catamite when Ali announced that the archbishop had come to see me."...
Jun '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
The secret to a good marriage courtesy of country singer Clint Black:
"Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do....
There's no request too big or small
Edited on Apr 1, 2011 at 2:18pmWe give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do."
Jul '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
On the other hand, maybe Rob has looked up the Thomas Hobbes quotation about the social contract and discovered it is not the bachelor but man generally whose life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. Having been both in the bachelor and married states, I must say that company along the bumpy road of life with its many epiphanies and travails makes the going good. Children make it even better.
Jul '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
"I didn't fall in love.... I stepped in it."
Nov '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
Well, as a very smart friend and philosophy professor often likes to say, it seems you can have a happy, sustained marriage based on will but not on desire. In a nutshell this why arranged marriages existed throughout history. And why the family up until today was vastly more stable. Objects of desire are never a product of desire, and hence- as surely every poet throughout history has known- mercurial.
I'd say my friend is essentially right- but I certainly wouldn't describe it as exclusively will, since that's, well...to put none to fine a point on it, nihilistic.
Jun '10
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
I recently quoted this beautiful thought from C. S. Lewis's Mere Christianity on another conversation, but is seems apropos:
“What we call 'being in love' is a glorious state . . . . It helps to make us generous and courteous. . . . Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. . . . You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. . . . [C]easing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from being 'in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God. . . . 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of a marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."
It's true: 38 years and counting for us.
Edited on Apr 1, 2011 at 2:51pmMar '11
Re: Five Women Married Men They Didn't Love. Three of Them are Still Happily Married.
I find all this discussion about comfort to be quite depressing. Exciting and wonderful (and lust-filled) marriages DO exist. Of course, I've only been married 18 years so far, but if the trajectory continues, I'll die somewhere in deep space.
IMMHO, the best marriages are the most difficult ones - incompatible yet passionate people who work their tails off to make it work. The return is dependent on the ongoing investment.