Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
The other day, some of my girl friends and I were talking about having children--what's the purpose of it, what are the challenges of it, and what are the sacrifices of it. It was kind of a cerebral conversation about a not-so-cerebral topic.
We all agreed that the major sacrifice, for a woman, of having children is stepping out of the job market for a few months or a few years. But maybe that's a trivial point---and maybe we are wrong. Maybe once we actually have kids, then stepping away from work won't seem like a sacrifice after all, though I don't know (mothers of Ricochet, care to weigh in on this point?).
Statistics certainly show that working women who have kids suffer, in their careers, as a result:
Employment retention and earnings suffer for women in the U.S. when they have kids, too, according to research, cited by Jennifer Glass, a professor at the University of Iowa.
"Research shows women in our country often lose out financially and in career advancement once they become a parent -- because the U.S. does not have the type of work policies to properly support families and child care, like other developed nations," said Glass.
But one of my most ambitious friends, who is going to Harvard Law School in the fall, said that she wanted it all: a successful career (knowing this girl, that probably means a position on the Supreme Court), a family with 3 children, and an equally successful husband. That, to her, would be happiness. But is it possible?
And, more specifically, does having children really lead to happiness? Anecdotally, that seems to be the case. According to some new "social science" research, though, my law school-bound friend should perhaps re-imagine her picture of a happy life:
Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert's book "Stumbling on Happiness" looked at several studies and found that children give adults many things, but an "increase in daily happiness is probably not among them."
He says that psychologists have found parents are less happy interacting with their kids than doing activities such as eating, watching television or even exercising.
Really? Eating and watching TV lead to more happiness than interacting with children? That's kind of depressing. I'd be curious to know how this psychologist is measuring "happiness"--wouldn't you? Maybe eating and watching TV lead to instant happiness, but I bet playing with your kids leads to greater happiness in the long term, once you see the results of your good parenting on your kids.
But of course, good parenting--like all good things--requires hard work. And maybe it is that aspect of having children--the hard work and sacrifice--that makes people unhappy:
"The take-away from the research (is) that if you are a parent or want to become a parent, understand what you are getting yourself into and be prepared for a lot of hard work, sweat and tears -- even under the best of conditions," she said.
The one problem with all social science is that it sometimes seeks to quantify elements of life that simply are not quantifiable.
How can you truly quantify happiness or, for instance, love? The article I've been quoting does not mention love at all. And isn't love the elephant in the room here? After all, having children is the expression of the love of two people. And the reason parents care for, sacrifice, and place their own lives on hold for the sake of their children is because they love their kids.
And love makes people....happy, even if it is frustrating and difficult at times. But how could a social science study ever capture that?
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May '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
New to Ricochet and had to comment, so Howdy! and here goes:
When my wife and I were deciding (almost ten years ago now… sheesh) whether or not to have kids, one concept was the determiner for us both. Which would we regret more when we were 60: having children, or remaining childless? That was pretty much a no-brainer. Later on, a friend who was knocking around the idea of having a second child (as we had done in the meantime) asked me if I regretted our decision to have another. My response was that we would have been happy with one, but we were (and are) much happier with two. I LOVE being a father to my girls and a husband to my wife (which must surely make all the difference). My wife and I have made many sacrifices for the good of our family. We don't miss those things much at all, especially since the payoff is so much greater than the things we gave up. Another no-brainer.
Edited on May 25, 2011 at 8:35amMay '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
My thought for your friend, Emily, is just wait until she sees her tiny little miracle of life for the first time. When you hold your baby, smell her/his baby breath and stare at each other, the whole world goes away. I had an amazing career with an offer to be hired back as a consultant working part time out of my house. I said no and never regretted it. But my sister, a college professor, loved the balance of being a mother and working part time. I think a well balanced and happy mother is the most important factor. Ideally, children should have their mothers full time, but that's not always possible.
Oct '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Whoa! Them's fightin' words. :-)
Jan '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
One thing for sure about having children, their parents are never divorced, no matter what the state says.
May '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I'm one of five. There are many ways a big family provides happiness, but I'll just mention one. Siblings who love each other look out for each other. The bigger the family, the more people looking out for you; the more people you can turn to under any circumstances without a shred of doubt that they will be there for you. And shared burdens are not so heavy.
The surest way to miss happiness is to make it one's focus. Happiness is a response to good living, not an object to be acquired.
Think of family like a job. Everyone complains about having to work sometimes. But people with no profession, no purpose, are truly miserable.
Aug '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Left Coast Rebel:
Which would we regret more when we were 60: having children, or remaining childless?
There are two issues here.
One is that happiness isn't everything. Shakespeare doesn't mean that it was fun to fight at Agincourt when he has Henry V say "And gentlemen in England now-a-bed/ Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here, / And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks / That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."
The other is that there is a narrower methodological issue with these studies. Pretty much all surveys measure whether there are children currently inside the household. Fewer surveys look at whether you are the parent of grown children. As such, most research is on parents of minor children not grown children. It is entirely possible that (even in the narrow sense measured by the surveys) that having children is a sort of happiness investment, that is costly in the short-run but pays dividends later (most obviously with grandchildren but also with social support when you are old and infirm). My understanding is that researchers are looking into this.
Aug '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Your intuition is correct, the ideology and practice of gender complementarity improves marital satisfaction. See this study.
The core publication of the study is here.
Edited on May 25, 2011 at 9:47amAug '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Prior to having children if you had asked me what the "happiest moment of my life" was, I would have answered "the day I married my wife." I was so overwhelmed by the experience that I wept with joy during the ceremony. I had never felt such powerful happiness in my entire life.
Then my twin daughters were born, and that day became the happiest day of my life. The following three plus years have been filled with the obligatory "fear and panic" that constitute much of the day to day life of a parent of toddlers. One might think that fear and panic means that my day to day life isn't as happy as it was before. That would be wrong.
Now the happiest day of my life is everyday. No matter how hard my day is, the sound of my daughters' voices shouting "Daddy's Home!" brings peace and happiness to my soul and let's me know that everything I do has value.
Mar '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I think the problem with your friend's attitude--an attitude held by many men as well--is that children are not something you put on a checklist. Children are not "goals." They're not something you mark-off a to-do list. Children are a continual experience. They are something you nurture on a 24/7 basis. They aren't cars, houses, vacations, and jewelry.
Nannies, daycare, babysitters, etc. are all a by-product of people who "check" the child box and move on to other ambitions. However, the problems start when the parents figure out that no amount of "handing off" can get them to evade all of their responsibilities. And these get in the way of other plans. Then, the resentment starts. The worst part: the kids know it.
And resentment is the opposite of happiness. So, to me, it's no wonder the study found that having kids does not make people happy.
If aliens landed and saw how most people handled their children and were told that children were the gift of all gifts, the aliens would wonder, if that was the case, why were the parents always handing off their children to other people.
May '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
It is indeed difficult to define happiness. I remember in the movie The Big Chill, Chloe was asked if Alex, who had committed suicide, seemed happy and she, Meg Tilley, replied, as I recall, "Happy? I don't know. I haven't known many happy people. How do they act?"
Happiness is a secular concept related to the three prime Christian virtues which are Faith, Hope and Love. None of these are emotions or ideas but decisions which need to be recommitted to each and every day. Rearing children is a huge part of that.
Sep '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: My own theory is that happiness might also be harmed by false notions of "egalitarian" parenting. Basically if you think that you're going to split everything down the middle, it will lead only to doom and destruction (to generalize horribly). And if the mother is working outside of the home full-time, this means she will soon become about the least happy person on the planet. Because it really is not fun to work your bum off and come home and have what, in effect, is still the main responsibility for cleaning, meals, childrearing, etc.
I'm blessed with someone who is the world's most helpful husband. Really, he's fantastic. But we know that I have comparative advantage when it comes to most home stuff. Our knowledge of this going into our duty-splitting helps keep both of us much happier. Our expectations are more realistic. · May 25 at 8:24am
I understand for sure. I was just wondering to myself why what you said left a hole in my heart. No malice on your part, just feeling a bit sorry for myself, I guess.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Diane Ellis, Ed.
About a year or so ago, my father volunteered that perhaps his biggest regret in life was not having more children (there are 3 of us kids). That, and the fact that the happiest families I know are big families, has left a big impression on me. · May 25 at 8:27am
We have four, and it is like having a barrelful of monkeys. Many of my colleagues at Hillsdale have more, and their homes always seem a joyful place.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
To each his own, but for me, asking if children make you happy is like asking if life makes you happy. Before I had kids, I thought I was living, but I was living in two dimensions. With kids, it was as if I suddenly realized that what I thought was the horizon was in fact a cheap picture painted on a screen and beyond the screen was - well - everything; the emotional richness of living; life. Of course when you say this out loud, those without children complain that you've hurt their feelings. Then you have to slap them. Sometimes kick them. Which can tire you out. But it's a small price to pay for being self-satisfied and irritating.
May '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I have five children. The oldest is getting married in two weeks. The youngest is in 2nd grade.
Over the years, I've had many, many days when I've felt I had way too many kids for my limited resources (of energy and virtue, not money), that I wasn't cut out to be a mother, that I will be forever tormented by remorse and guilt over my failures and shortcomings toward them... I've regretted painfully the shattered concentration and disrupted sleep and endless domestic chores that have kept me from pursuing philosophy.
Still, I look at their sweet faces and wish I could have had more, wish I had worried less when they were little, wish I could have relaxed more in my mothering. I can't wait for grandchildren.
I'm so glad I stretched myself beyond my own subjective wants and comforts and said yes to life!
I could never have done it without two things:
1) My Catholic faith, which showed me that it is the dignity and vocation of every human person to give herself in love to others, while it provided continuous divine help.
2) An exceptionally loving and virtuous husband.
Oct '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Rasputin
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: Happiness, however, has almost nothing to do with being a parent. I mean, God blesses you with children or doesn't. They're one of the benefits of marriage, ideally. · May 25 at 7:06am
Does it mean that you are not blessed if you don't have children? God has different paths for all of us. We are all blessed. I know that I am parsing words but using the term "blessed" in that way can inadvertently hurt feelings as it did mine. · May 25 at 7:56am
Mollie clearly stated that God's blessings are not a result of having children. My wife and I have two kids and five grand-kids. We would have had more kids but life threatening medical problems limited us. We are greatly blessed, but a few more kids would not increase God's blessing, just make it more exciting.
We each are where we are in life, and meaning and fulfillment are not a place, they are the result of living a meaningful life. God calls each of us to give of ourselves. Kids or neighbor's kids... both are His call on our life.
Aug '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I believe that any attempt to attach a purpose to having children other than "to keep the species alive" is prone to failure.
If your reason for having kids is "to make me happy", you're gonna be disappointed.
If your reason for having kids is "to take care of me when I'm old", you're gonna be disappointed.
If your reason for having kids is "to make me look good in the eyes of my peers", you're gonna be disappointed.
If your reason for having kids is "because I need a friend", you're gonna be disappointed.
But if your reason for having kids is "because I'd like my family's genetic material to last for at least one more generation", mission accomplished.
May '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I can't agree, Misthiocracy.
I don't find in myself any compelling urge to extend my genetic material for another generation.
I think the only absolutely adequate reason for having children is love, and the desire to "make a return" for all the love you've received--from your spouse, from your parents and grandparents, from God.
May '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I have four children, and my life is fuller, richer, and better because of them. However, I can't in all honesty say that I'm "happier" because of my children. Raising children (particularly teens, which is the stage I'm currently in) can be intensely tiring, frustrating, and anxiety-provoking, none of which boosts feeling "happy". Looking at the whole picture, I'm glad to be a parent and can't imagine my life without my children. I think perhaps there's a difference between "happy", which connotes emotion, and "fulfilled", which is more about quality of life.
As for the young woman who "wants to have it all", I truly believe that it's possible for an ambitious woman to have a successful career, marriage, and children. But not necessarily all at the same time. Choices sometimes must be made. The feminists of the mid-20th century helped to open the doors for the women of my generation, but I believe they also did us a disservice by promulgating the fantasy that we can, indeed, "have it all", all the time.
Jun '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
The question isn't whether you're more happy, it's whether you are a better person. And few people are not better off from having been a parent.
American novelist Peter de Vries said, “The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.” We talk a lot about the infantilization of our society. One way to force a person out of "infant" mode is give them the responsibility to raise children.
Children will help destroy your self-absorption (all in all, a good thing), while injecting love into your life. Your kids really don’t care whether you’re famous or not, because their relationship with you is intensely personal. Changing a few “blow-out” diapers will knock you off whatever pedestal you are occupying. Vainly searching your closet for a suit that doesn’t have the residue of a baby’s spit-up on the shoulders will help put to rest any hope you might have had of becoming a fashion statement. There’s nothing quite like a little timely, well-deserved humiliation to create humility.
I have five children and seven grandchildren. Each one of them makes me happy.
Jun '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
One more comment on a very important area: did they ask if grandchildren make you happy? Raising their parents was a pain, but grandchildren provide all the positives and few, if any, negatives.
They are God’s greatest gift. They provide two invaluable things: themselves and the pleasure of being able to sit back and watch your children (the ones who drove you nuts day-after-day) forced to be parents. “Revenge” may be too harsh a word, but “payback” works just fine. There is good reason Harry Truman said that the reason grandparents and grandchildren love each other so much is because they share a common enemy: the parents.
Here's a conservative reason for children and grandchildren. They provide us with a hint of the great chain of being: the unbreakable bond that each of us has with our ancestors and our descendants. Edmund Burke said, “Society is . . . a contract . . . . It becomes a partnership not only between those who are living, but between those who are living, those who are dead, and those who are to be born.”
No kids: no partnership.