Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
The other day, some of my girl friends and I were talking about having children--what's the purpose of it, what are the challenges of it, and what are the sacrifices of it. It was kind of a cerebral conversation about a not-so-cerebral topic.
We all agreed that the major sacrifice, for a woman, of having children is stepping out of the job market for a few months or a few years. But maybe that's a trivial point---and maybe we are wrong. Maybe once we actually have kids, then stepping away from work won't seem like a sacrifice after all, though I don't know (mothers of Ricochet, care to weigh in on this point?).
Statistics certainly show that working women who have kids suffer, in their careers, as a result:
Employment retention and earnings suffer for women in the U.S. when they have kids, too, according to research, cited by Jennifer Glass, a professor at the University of Iowa.
"Research shows women in our country often lose out financially and in career advancement once they become a parent -- because the U.S. does not have the type of work policies to properly support families and child care, like other developed nations," said Glass.
But one of my most ambitious friends, who is going to Harvard Law School in the fall, said that she wanted it all: a successful career (knowing this girl, that probably means a position on the Supreme Court), a family with 3 children, and an equally successful husband. That, to her, would be happiness. But is it possible?
And, more specifically, does having children really lead to happiness? Anecdotally, that seems to be the case. According to some new "social science" research, though, my law school-bound friend should perhaps re-imagine her picture of a happy life:
Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert's book "Stumbling on Happiness" looked at several studies and found that children give adults many things, but an "increase in daily happiness is probably not among them."
He says that psychologists have found parents are less happy interacting with their kids than doing activities such as eating, watching television or even exercising.
Really? Eating and watching TV lead to more happiness than interacting with children? That's kind of depressing. I'd be curious to know how this psychologist is measuring "happiness"--wouldn't you? Maybe eating and watching TV lead to instant happiness, but I bet playing with your kids leads to greater happiness in the long term, once you see the results of your good parenting on your kids.
But of course, good parenting--like all good things--requires hard work. And maybe it is that aspect of having children--the hard work and sacrifice--that makes people unhappy:
"The take-away from the research (is) that if you are a parent or want to become a parent, understand what you are getting yourself into and be prepared for a lot of hard work, sweat and tears -- even under the best of conditions," she said.
The one problem with all social science is that it sometimes seeks to quantify elements of life that simply are not quantifiable.
How can you truly quantify happiness or, for instance, love? The article I've been quoting does not mention love at all. And isn't love the elephant in the room here? After all, having children is the expression of the love of two people. And the reason parents care for, sacrifice, and place their own lives on hold for the sake of their children is because they love their kids.
And love makes people....happy, even if it is frustrating and difficult at times. But how could a social science study ever capture that?
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Mar '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
By the way some parents treat their children I'm sure they don't make them happy. But I suspect they would be unhappy without them too. Some people are simply to self-centered to appreciate the sacrifice required to raise children. I have seven children myself and wish I had more. That wasn't always the case. I remember as a young parent calculating the cost of having children, both in time and money, and thinking I'd be happy stopping after my second. But looking back on it now how different and less my life would have been. I decided to simply leave the decision up to my wife and have never regretted it. My children are the greatest source of happiness and unhappiness in my life. If you don't like a roller coaster of emotions then you should avoid having children. But if you relish a widening of horizons and the challenge life can present then have as many as possible.
Aug '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Emily Esfahani Smith:
I'd be curious to know how this psychologist is measuring "happiness"--wouldn't you? Maybe eating and watching TV lead to instant happiness, but I bet playing with your kids leads to greater happiness in the long term, once you see the results of your good parenting on your kids.
The short answer is that there are a few surveys that ask some variation on
"On a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is strongly disagree, 3 is nether agree nor disagree, and 5 is strongly agree, would you say that you are generally happy?"
No, this does not measure transcendent virtue, duty, or accomplishment (nor is it meant to). Another way to put that is that happiness isn't everything. However as best as we can tell it does seem to be measuring something non-trivial. It's worth noting that while kids decrease (measured) happiness, marriage increases it.
Edited on May 25, 2011 at 9:28amMay '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I prefer to borrow other people's children, totally mess with their heads, and then hand them back to the parents. Such is the undemanding yet rewarding role of an uncle and godfather.
Mar '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Once one has kids, the importance of a given career often comes into perspective.
Feb '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Let's differentiate between "happiness" and "fun." There is much happiness in having and raising children. But though it can be fun, it's usually more work. (Here too, I mean "effort" rather than "drudgery.")
Grandchildren, on the other hand, is all fun and happiness. If you consider children an intermediate step, it's easier to make the equation work.
Edited on May 25, 2011 at 7:03amMar '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
The more one puts into kids, the more one can receive back. I do NOT mean spoiling them, or spending lots of money on extra lessons. I mean a parental commitment to raising well-mannered, good people. This takes a lot of work, but it does not mean putting up with any nonsense.
I invest a lot in my (6) kids. I spend very little. And they work very, very hard. They are tremendous sources of joy for my wife and myself.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I was a happy person before I had children and I'm a happy person now that I've been blessed with children. Happiness, however, has almost nothing to do with being a parent. I mean, God blesses you with children or doesn't. They're one of the benefits of marriage, ideally. It is true that I have never been more transcendentally blessed than I am now that I have these amazing little ones running around. But happiness seems like such an unbelievably inadequate way to describe it. It's something completely different and wonderful.
I will suggest to your friend who wants to, um, "have it all," that sometimes it's best to think less about what's coming to you and more about how you can serve others.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.:
I will suggest to your friend who wants to, um, "have it all," that sometimes it's best to think less about what's coming to you and more about how you can serve others. · May 25 at 7:06am
That's a beautiful way of looking at it.
Dec '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
The answer to this really depends on world view. If happiness is defined as "get all you can, can all you get, and sit on the lid," then children will work decidedly against that. If happiness is defined as having a purpose outside of yourself for everything you do then children are the only way to go barring a life like that lived by Mother Teresa.
May '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Emily, you asked for the comments of those of us who gave it up to have kids. I am an MBA from a prestigious university who became a management consultant. I watched women a few years older than me have their kids and then "reduce" their work week to 50 hours from 60+. Needless to say, their kids were raised by nannies and were spoiled messes - everything money could buy but parental attention. I remember thinking that if they wanted a fashion accessory, they should just get a new bag - cheaper and less maintenance. So when I had mine, I gave it up and haven't regretted a day of it. At first people asked me what I did with my time but I filled it with volunteer work when I had extra time. I am not a helicopter parent or a huggie-kissy type, but I was always there for my kids when they needed me and they always knew that. Both my kids are well-balanced achievers and we love spending time together. Best investment I ever made!
Apr '11
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I would be curious to know if the ones with the least amount of perceived happiness in being a parent are also the ones who are devoid of a faith in God.
I myself can attest after coming to faith in Jesus Christ to experiencing more happiness as my life took on real meaning.
Perhaps as this post modern world gains momentum our secularism causes us to look all to often for happiness in place of meaning. If you find meaning happiness is it's byproduct.
Jun '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Children do not come into this world to make their parents happy.... I'm not sure where this thought came from or why people expect it...
And for a culture that means by happiness, "subjective satisfaction" this makes sense.
Children bring fulfillment for their parents and the continuation of a society. These things are closer to the more ancient view of happiness.
May '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I think the term "daily happiness" is very revealing. Sure, kids are time consuming and often frustrating, and can keep you from the other things you planned to do with your day (such as exercising, eating and watching TV). So at the end of any given day you're more tired, frustrated and overwhelmed.
I know all that and have experienced it first hand, but I never think I should have had fewer kids, and I sometimes wish I had more. Stumble on that.
Sep '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: I was a happy person before I had children and I'm a happy person now that I've been blessed with children. Happiness, however, has almost nothing to do with being a parent. I mean, God blesses you with children or doesn't. They're one of the benefits of marriage, ideally. It is true that I have never been more transcendentally blessed than I am now that I have these amazing little ones running around. But happiness seems like such an unbelievably inadequate way to describe it. It's something completely different and wonderful.
I will suggest to your friend who wants to, um, "have it all," that sometimes it's best to think less about what's coming to you and more about how you can serve others. · May 25 at 7:06am
Does it mean that you are not blessed if you don't have children? God has different paths for all of us. We are all blessed. I know that I am parsing words but using the term "blessed" in that way can inadvertently hurt feelings as it did mine.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
A dozen or so years ago when I remarried -- in part with an eye to having a family -- I asked everyone I knew who had a family whether they had had too many children. Without exception they looked at me as if I was a lunatic. Then, I asked, "Do you wish that you had had more children?" Without exception they paused, thought for a moment or two, and responded, "Yes, one more would have been nice." My bet is that, if they had had one more, they still would have answered the latter question in the same fashion.
I do not doubt that having a substantial family costs one financially. I do not doubt that it hinders the careers of mothers who once worked. And, of course, there is effort involved. But there must be something fishy about the studies Professor Gilbert cites.
Oct '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
I wonder if this is an enigma only for those who perceive "happiness" to be a destination and not a journey.
To use one of the examples above, the woman who wants "...a successful career, a family with 3 children, and an equally successful husband..." - that represents a point in time. What happens if a 4th child comes along, or the 3rd never does, or the kids aren't brainiacs, or if the Senate rejects her SCOTUS nomination, or her successful husband's business falls on hard times for a few years?
That's all part of the journey, which I think is the true measure of happiness, certainly more so than "when I got home from work tonight I watched tv and ate a bowl of ice cream before hitting the Stairmaster. So I'm happy."
May '10
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Here's my short iPad answer... Children can be the greatest blessing that makes a healthy marriage into something even far more fulfilling and wonderful. But children can bring great stress to a bad marriage, possibly being the kiss of death. Happiness is not determined by the children. It's determined by the people who have the children.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
Rasputin
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: I was a happy person before I had children and I'm a happy person now that I've been blessed with children. Happiness, however, has almost nothing to do with being a parent. I mean, God blesses you with children or doesn't. They're one of the benefits of marriage, ideally. It is true that I have never been more transcendentally blessed than I am now that I have these amazing little ones running around. But happiness seems like such an unbelievably inadequate way to describe it. It's something completely different and wonderful.· May 25 at 7:06am
Does it mean that you are not blessed if you don't have children? God has different paths for all of us. We are all blessed. I know that I am parsing words but using the term "blessed" in that way can inadvertently hurt feelings as it did mine. · May 25 at 7:56am
That's why I didn't say "blessed" but "blessed with children." I was blessed with children. But before I had children, I was not blessed with them, obviously. I was blessed with many other relationships, though.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
My own theory is that happiness might also be harmed by false notions of "egalitarian" parenting. Basically if you think that you're going to split everything down the middle, it will lead only to doom and destruction (to generalize horribly). And if the mother is working outside of the home full-time, this means she will soon become about the least happy person on the planet. Because it really is not fun to work your bum off and come home and have what, in effect, is still the main responsibility for cleaning, meals, childrearing, etc.
I'm blessed with someone who is the world's most helpful husband. Really, he's fantastic. But we know that I have comparative advantage when it comes to most home stuff. Our knowledge of this going into our duty-splitting helps keep both of us much happier. Our expectations are more realistic.
Re: Does Having Children Make You Happy? Apparently....Not So Much
About a year or so ago, my father volunteered that perhaps his biggest regret in life was not having more children (there are 3 of us kids). That, and the fact that the happiest families I know are big families, has left a big impression on me.