Die, Frosty, Die!
As I mentioned, loudly, on the podcast, the Christmas song I most despise is the awful, creaky, fake-fun "Frosty the Snowman," which reeks of a brainstorming session among tired, cynical, slightly drunk advertising guys.
"We need a new Christmas thing!" one of them yelled. "Something Rudolphy. Something fun. But no religion, okay?"
And so this weird little story and its clunky song were born, and now it's just this thing we have to put up with every year.
This afternoon, as I was complaining about it, a good friend of mine reminded me: it's a bad Christmas song, of course, but not as bad as Paul McCartney's dreadful "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time," which should be on one of those International War Crimes lists. Here's a snippet of its lyrics, if using the word "lyrics" is appropriate for this:
The party's on/The feelings here/It's all because/This time of year
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
Don't cry poor children, sing this song
Ding, dong, ding, dong, Ding, dong, ding.
God, I hate that song. So those are my two: Frosty, and McCartney. What are yours?
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Comments :
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Yeah, let's beat this horse some more.
Did Ya know Ringo recorded Christmas music? Neither did I, but it's got to be up there too.
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Fascinating. I was just moaning to my wide about the uttter idiocay of Frosty. It's stupid, cheesy, boring, and devoid of any Christmas (or Christmassy) message. I say burn the tapes.
As for Sir Paul, he has always had a knack for producing insipid lyrics in puruist of a quick pound. 35 years ago, my brother David and I had a letter published in the English music rag Melody Maker, protesting the amazng stupidity of McCartney's Junior's Farm (which was then a hit).
John Lennon's Merry Christmas (The War is Over) is also foolsih, and offensive from a certain perspective, but it is rescued by a melody that is haunting and very Christmassy. it is a keeper.
McCartney's piece of rubbish should be on the chopping block next to Frosty.
Aug '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Since childhood I've always hated "Silver Bells," which seems to last 12 minutes but with only two words
Oct '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". Honestly, what is a child to make of the lyrics. The insipid sexual undertones, combined with childish vocabulary (mommy, tickle, etc.) make my skin crawl. And the outing of Santa - seriously, what Julian Assange of lyrics came up with this fatuous nonsense.
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
The McCartney thing is truly awful. Running neck-and-neck with it is that godawful "Do They Know It's Christmas" piece of tripe that was supposed to raise a bunch of money and end hunger or something. Hard to believe it's still played any more, but it is.
As for traditional Christmas songs, I don't need to hear the Little Drummer Boy pa-rum-pa-pum-pumming all over the place.
Oct '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
And look at the demented look on Frosty's face - would you let your children follow this lecherous drunk downtown?
Oct '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
On the plus side, at least he is smoking.
May '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
That McCartney number is one awful song, all right. Now, Pearl Bailey's Five Pound Box of Money - that's a Christmas song!
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
And Rob, I get what you mean about Frosty, but you have to admit, this is pretty rockin'.
Nov '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Listening to the podcast last night I burst into laughter upon Rob's mini rant. It was an instant classic...the pepsi comment will live in my mind a long time. Right up there with Jonah Goldberg referring to Charlie Crist as a human toothache. As for my most hated it has to be McCartney. It is one of those evil tunes that immediately imbeds itself into your conscious and cannot be exorcised except for a liberal application of Merlot.
Nov '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
I never minded the Frosty song, as it was fun to sing with the kids, and the Gene Autry version always stuck in my head....
For truly horrific, I just think back to the Worst Elementary School Pageant Ever. It happened at the height of the political correctness era here - around '97 or '98. The pageant had already overrun it's usual hour and a half by at least an hour so every class of every grade could demonstrate its special vocal qualities on specially adapted carols guaranteed to pass all tests of Canadian multi-culturalist conformity, and was dilating time like only the first Pokemon movie had done before. The Grade 6's finally finished; parents and grandparents started shuffling about to get their coats, but the auditorium was still dimmed. And then what to our wondering eyes should appear but the entire school flocking in, shepherded by the somewhat psychotic gym teacher who had arranged this purgatory; all holding little battery powered candles, and singing John Lennon's Imagine.
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
I share Rob’s Frostyphobia, but partly for the show itself: witless cheap animation from Rankin-Bass. The artist who did the designs - a Mad Magazine illustrator named Paul Coker - had a fine distinct style, but it was lost in the shoddy execution. The narrator? The priceless Durante, in his last role. Santa? Paul Frees, one of the most distinctive voices of his time, still living on in the narration of Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride. Lots of talent, but it was all swamped by the stupidity of the foundational concept of a snow sculpture brought to life by haberdasher-based necromancy.
Love this note from imdb:
Continuity: When Frosty attempts to count to 10, he starts counting to 5 on his fingers, and he has 5 fingers on one hand and 4 on the other. Then after he finishes counting, both hands have 4.
Yeah, mistakes like that really make it hard to suspend disbelief.
Another nominee:
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
I never trusted Frosty. I always suspected his whole jovial shtick was a ruse to gain access to young children.
I shudder to think what's buried in his basement: he's the John Wayne Gacy of Christmas characters.
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
For me it has to be the Chipmunks. It comes on the car radio and I start scanning the road ahead of me for potential road kill. And anything by John Lennon. I start scanning for pedestrians with those prissy little glasses. There seem to be fewer of them now.
Time for my medication. Later!
Edited on Dec 23, 2010 at 9:28pmDec '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
James Lileks: Lots of talent, but it was all swamped by the stupidity of the foundational concept of a snow sculpture brought to life by haberdasher-based necromancy. · Dec 23 at 9:26pm
I know, right? Because we all know that snowmen -- or scarecrows -- cannot take on a life of their own but must be inhabited by a disembodied human spirit, preferably one that lost its corporeal form due to a ritual of human sacrifice.
I kept waiting for Frosty 2: The Reaping (aka Scarlet Snow), but alas....
Dec '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Does it make it better or worse that some genius in the CBS web promotions department decided to dub dialogue from How I Met Your Mother over a Frosty the Snowman promo?
Jul '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Sisyphus: For me it has to be the Chipmunks. It comes on the car radio and I start scanning the road ahead of me for potential road kill. And anything by John Lennon. I start scanning for pedestrians with those prissy little glasses. There seem to be fewer of them now.
Time for my medication. Later! · Dec 23 at 9:27pm
Edited on Dec 23 at 09:28 pm
I once took a job as Director of Store Operations for a multi-state department store company. About a month after I started, my assistants came to me with a Muzak menu of Christmas music options for our stores.
I was way too busy to care about it, so I just looked up at them and said, "All Chipmunks all of the time."
Oct '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Ditto on the John Lennon song. My other one that I absolutely will change the dial on the radio for every time is Feliz Navidad. I hesitate to say it because I have a feeling a lot of people like it. But, oh, how awful. It's like someone made up the song during a state fair or carnival in July when they were bored. Talk about something created in a brainstorming session, that thing has tacking marketing campaign jingle written all over it.
Aug '10
Re: Die, Frosty, Die!
Kudos to James for his sublime take down of Rockin Around the Christmas Tree. Talk about a silly song
Any church-goers out there will recognize my all time worst: Mary Did You Know. I won't link to it, that would be cruel.
Suffice to say it is execrable, maudlin, and invariable accompanied by bad interpretive dancing.
I'm a liturgy loving Presbyterian, so I am really cool with the Advent, but that song is misery to me.
Edited on Dec 23, 2010 at 10:08pmRe: Die, Frosty, Die!
It blows.