Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
The dating website OK Cupid is run by nerds. Very very nerdish nerds, who like to analyze the huge amount of data a site like that generates -- clicks, likes, messages between members, attractiveness ratings, etc.
That swirl of data gets crunched and processed and discussed in their excellent blog, and the results are never less than fascinating.
Today, for instance, they dive deeply into different patterns of "messaging" among their female members. Meaning: which ladies get noticed, get email messages from the guys, and why. The results are interesting, but fair warning: the language of nerds, when talking about math and the ladies, is pretty blunt. What they discovered is that, statistically, the most popular women on the site aren't the ones with the highest attractiveness ratings. They're the ones with the most disparate.
A lady with her attractiveness ratings divided into a barbell shape -- lots of 1's, lots of 5's -- gets more attention than a lady with lots of 7's. Better, apparently, to have some guys think you're hot and some guys think you're totally not, than have most guys think you're cute:
Our first result was to compare the standard deviation of a woman's votes to the messages she gets. The more men disagree about a woman's looks, the more they like her. If someone doesn't think you're hot, the next best thing for them to think is that you're ugly.
But why is this so? The math nerds introduce a little game theory:
Suppose you're a man who's really into someone. If you suspect other men are uninterested, it means less competition. You therefore have an added incentive to send a message. You might start thinking: maybe she's lonely. . . maybe she's just waiting to find a guy who appreciates her. . . at least I won't get lost in the crowd. . . maybe these small thoughts, plus the fact that you really think she's hot, prod you to action. You send her the perfectly crafted opening message.
"sup"
On the other hand, a woman with a preponderance of '4' votes, someone conventionally cute, but not totally hot, might appear to be more in-demand than she actually is. To the typical man considering her, she's obviously attractive enough to create the impression that other guys are into her, too. But maybe she's hot enough for him to throw caution (and grammar) to the wind and send her a message. It's the curse of being cute.
So the smart strategy for women on dating sites, according to the cascades of data streaming through OK Cupid's servers, is:
We now have mathematical evidence that minimizing your "flaws" is the opposite of what you should do. If you're a little chubby, play it up. If you have a big nose, play it up. If you have a weird snaggletooth, play it up: statistically, the guys who don't like it can only help you, and the ones who do like it will be all the more excited.
Counter-intuitive, but when it comes to things like this, I trust the nerds. They have the most attractive feature of all: data.
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Dec '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Guys are using game theory to assess the level competition and the likelihood of success. Okay, I can buy that. What do the girls use?
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Just the kind of diversion I need, Rob. Thanks.
I realize they have the data. Just want to play devil's advocate.
Is it possible that the following is also true? If a woman gets all high marks, don't you think that the gut reaction is, "If she's so hot, something's gotta be wrong with her that she's on a dating site trying to get guys?" Now, this is coming from someone who knows lots of awesome people who have gotten together via the internet; I'm just saying that's gotta be a gut reaction for some folks.
With regard to the disparate voting. Don't you think that's simply driven by curiosity? I mean, if I posted a link to a photo and said to Ricos, "Do you think this guy is attractive? I don't, but Diane does..." it would probably get mad hits. Just out of curiosity. People want to know which side of things they fall on.
Nevertheless, as someone who has fretted many lifetime hours over my nose, chub, and snaggletooth, I feel somewhat, somewhat better about my prospects if I were to come back as a single lady.
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
This reminds me of the Nash Equilibrium game theory scenario in the bar scene of A Beautiful Mind. I tried in vain to find a youtube clip of the scene, but the article linked to above gives you the gist of the idea.
Edited on January 10, 2011 at 8:58pmAug '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Rob Long:
I trust the nerds. They have the most attractive feature of all: data. ·
Yeah... it was my husband's data that hooked me in the end.
Sep '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Of course these worldly gentlemen will have trouble explaining what happens when someone puts up a completely fake avatar. Then, the only judgements that can be made is based on what someone writes or doesn't write or writes about drinking, expensive Italian shotguns, and single malt scotch whiskey.
Game theory indeed.
Jan '11
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Well, an alternate (and less kind) way of putting it is that one always searches for the weakest in the herd.
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Am I the only one wondering why Rob is hanging out on OK Cupid?
Sep '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Screenplay research codenamed: Containership Confidential
Jul '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
With His "...shower gel with eucalyptus and Tom's of Maine organic toothpaste...." no doubt.
Aug '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Devil's Advocate Mode: I don't hang out at OkCupid, but I do subscribe to their RSS feed because the statistical analysis articles they post are so dang interesting.
I can only assume that Rob's interest is similarly scholarly. ;-)
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
I'm sure Rob knows that the Ladies of Ricochet would be MORE than happy to round up a few prospective dates for Rob. That goes without saying.
Doesn't it?
May '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Pseudodionysius: Of course these worldly gentlemen will have trouble explaining what happens when someone puts up a completely fake avatar. Then, the only judgements that can be made is based on what someone writes or doesn't write or writes about drinking, expensive Italian shotguns, and single malt scotch whiskey.
Game theory indeed. · Jan 10 at 12:05pm
We like that you have no neck kitty, it's an endearing feature.
Aug '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
...or even figs!
Bwahahahaha!
I'm so funny, it's not fair to all the other smart-alecks in the world.
May '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
I think for men, we don't think "If she is that hot something has to be wrong". We think that "she is out of my league, don't bother"
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Interesting. Thanks. Yes, that seems to support the data-heads.
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Misthiocracy
...or even figs!
Bwahahahaha!
I'm so funny, it's not fair to all the other smart-alecks in the world. · Jan 10 at 1:33pm
Good one! I'll add another smart-alecky one:
Duh. Guys always go for the ladies with a barbell shape.
Dec '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Bryan G. Stephens: I think for men, we don't think "If she is that hot something has to be wrong". We think that "she is out of my league, don't bother" · Jan 10 at 1:51pm
BINGO!
Once you get past the age of about 22, you start to narrow your range of acceptable hotness to one which while entirely in your league, still revs the engine, so to speak.
Spoken another way, when you know you have a weak shoulder, you don't swing for the fences anymore.
I'll take a solid base hit, thanks.
Or maybe stretch it into a double . . .
May '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
For some reason I'm reminded of the scene in The Hidden Life of Dogs where author Elizabeth Marshall Thomas describes the way one of her pets, the most intelligent among the male dogs, would ignore houses that contained a female dog in heat. (This was obviously the case because there would be a crowd of male dogs surrounding it.) Thomas clearly admired her pet's decision, praising it as "practical." He wasn't going to waste his time on any female that already had a long line of admirers.
As I say, I'm reminded of this scene, but I wouldn't care to speculate why. In particular, I would strongly resist--and resent--any attempt by any of you to analogize the behavior of male dogs to nerdy men.
May '10
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
I too know happy couples who met online. If I were single I'm sure I'd be all over Catholicmatch or AveMariaSingles.com.
But the marketing and statistics talk about dating gives me hives.
The goal isn't to maximize your number of hits, but to find the kind of person who would be attracted to the person you actually are, right? Isn't it about introducing yourself, rather than "packaging" yourself?
Jan '11
Re: Dating Website Strategy: Don't Be Cute, Be Ugly
Ursula Hennessey
Interesting. Thanks. Yes, that seems to support the data-heads. · Jan 10 at 2:11pm
It's not just the "she's out of my league" component - there is also the "she's very attractive to others, and therefore she will be too busy to respond to me, therefore I won't waste my time factor" - and when this attitude is adopted by most males, the net result is paradoxically fewer messages received by those women objectively judged more attractive.