Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Here's some fodder for the gender wars. A Norwegian study claims to have found that when a woman does the majority of housework, her marriage is much more likely to survive. The Daily Telegraph calls it "a slap in the face for gender equality."
“What we’ve seen is that sharing equal responsibility for work in the home doesn’t necessarily contribute to contentment,” said Thomas Hansen, co-author of the study entitled “Equality in the Home”...
The figures clearly show that “the more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate.”
This is one of those splendid correlation vs. causation controversies. Do chores really make a woman's marriage? Or are there other harmful values at work among "modern" couples, which could explain the higher divorce rate? You know, all those hard core feminist broads who bagged marshmallowy metrosexuals for husbands--gotta be some other issues going on there. (Check out Sandra Tsing Loh's sad, semi-psychotic ode to marshmallow men over at The Atlantic for a few good examples of "other issues.")
Guys, next time she asks you to take out the garbage in the middle of a football game, you could try mentioning the Norwegian study. Maybe get a little misty-eyed about how you would be happy to take it out, except for the danger such an action would represent to your marriage.
Go ahead, try it -- I dare you.
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Comments:
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Was just about to post on this! My view is that this study, properly read, is about division of labor as opposed to strict roles. Because I studied economics, I knew that housework goes easier if everyone specializes. And that's what we do. Yes, we also did a specialization in terms of who does the most childcare. So I mostly take care of the house and I stay at home with the children. My husband, however, has the things he does in addition to his work outside the home. And we basically do the same tasks over and over and over. For instance, I almost always -- like 99% of the time -- make dinner. But because I work nights, he almost always cleans up after dinner. We don't go halfsies on anything. We specialize. I highly recommend it.
Nov '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
It kind of makes sense in a way. Couples where the woman does most of the housework tend to be more traditionalist/small-c conservative. People of that mindset tend to be more religious and to value marriage as a good in itself rather than a means to reach some sort of personal fulfillment, and thus to try and work through their problems rather than file for divorce at the first sign of friction.
Aug '11
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
I have a theory.
Men, how many times do you assist in housecleaning only to have your wife redo all your hard work? :: raises hand ::
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
I think that's about right , Mollie. I suppose division of labor is harder to maintain for those who define equality as "sameness," like feminists often do.
But then, there are other "issues" modern couples have. You gotta check out that Atlantic piece when you get a chance! It's rich.
Jun '12
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Who am I to argue with science?
May '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
The cause is the deeper set of values, clearly. A woman who is happy to do the chores at home is more likely to be traditionally minded in other ways.
The correlation is interesting, but not causal in this case.
I was raised by a very traditional stay-at-home mother, but also a father who made sure we understood that doing what was traditionally called "women's work" was not something a real man was afraid to do. We all had our chores to do. As a result, I'm perfectly comfortable doing the chores at home today, and we have traditional values in our marriage when it comes to divorce, etc.
Jun '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Thirty years and going...my wife cooks dinner most nights and I do the dishes. Unfortunately her cooking style involves nearly every utensil, pot, and pan in the kitchen. There is an occasional joking reference to this, but I know well enough to keep my mouth shut if I want to eat. Both of us work in the proverbial family business and are gone from the house nearly all day. How could I expect her to do it all? That is absurd. If you are a man, not a child, you share the responsibilities. That doesn't mean that couples don't sort out those things each does best or those things each most dislikes. These are the small compromises that make a life together work forever.
May '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
It is often said, however, that if a man helps around the house he's more likely to "get some" in bed. This study throws doubt on that.
In my personal experience, it only works a few times that way. If helping around the house becomes frequent, it gets taken for granted. So, I think "getting some" in bed is the wrong motivation to use to get men to help around the house. It's like bribery, and it doesn't work that well.
Instead, the real motivation should be to help each other as a team. If I'm working harder, she'll pick up the slack; if she's working harder, I'll pick up the slack. Sometimes it's less than clear who should do what, and we have had some disagreements about it, but we have over time learned how to work with each other and be flexible.
Which brings me to the kids. They're old enough now to do a lot of chores themselves, so we make them. It takes up-front training time, but it pays off. And they are far more trainable than one's spouse. It's good for them, too.
May '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Wow, very well put.
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Nathan Harden:
But then, there are other "issues" modern couples have. You gotta check out that Atlantic piece when you get a chance! It's rich. · 14 minutes ago
The Atlantic seems to be on one long campaign to discourage rational men from marriage.
Nov '11
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
I'm gonna take my own crack at this. Lets set aside that question about correlation and causality. Let's say its causal. I have two separate thoughts on this:
1. Mollie is right that specialization is a good thing. If we prefer certain chores over others, we're less dissatisfied when we do them. And repetition brings fondness.
Also, if you're both doing tasks you like, you're not going to argue as much over who does what, especially if its regular.
2. The other thought I had was that if you're thinking about it, to calculate that 50%, you need to keep score. You shouldn't keep score in a marriage! No good will come of it.
I used to listen to Dr. Laura and when she was asked about this topic she'd ask "Do you keep score on orgasms too?"
And that gives the whole thing right there. If you have to keep tally of everything, no good will come of it.
Be fair, be equal, but don't keep score.
Jul '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
I (and my children) do 100% of the housework but my husband does things like home renovation, repair and restoration par excellence. I would never dream of taking him away from that skilled labor to wash dishes- duh! However, I do try to teach the kids (and the hubby at times) to clean up after themselves, for instance, put dirty clothes IN the laundry basket, bring used cups and bowls into the vicinity of the kitchen, etc. And my husband gives me 100% of his paycheck...it doesn't get better than that!
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Fred Cole:
2. The other thought I had was that if you're thinking about it, to calculate that 50%, you need to keep score. You shouldn't keep score in a marriage! No good will come of it.
I used to listen to Dr. Laura and when she was asked about this topic she'd ask "Do you keep score on orgasms too?"
And that gives the whole thing right there. If you have to keep tally of everything, no good will come of it.
What if you were having a friendly competition to see who could give each other the most? Wouldn't some good come of that?
Just kidding -- but marriage is ideal when instead of thinking about what's coming to you, you each think about how to make the other's life better. It's counterintuitive, perhaps, but when each spouse places the partner's well being above his or her own well being, everyone gets taken care of much better.
Also, this whole conversation is a good reminder that I have the world's best husband.
Jul '11
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
I know a gentleman in his 70s, who was married twice. First wife, stay at home Mom, did all the housework. Divorced. Second, bit of a bossy pants, made him "share" everything. She passed away, but they were happily married for 3 decades before that.
These studies are all bogus. That someone is funding this is the issue, not the conclusions.
My own marriage is easy - I contribute what I feel like, when I feel like and the rest is up to the husband. I've been talking divorce for years now, due to the fact that married couples are not both expected to earn a decent living by our tax laws. But it is likely that we will stay together till one of us dies - married or not.
Values matter, not chores. I believe human pair bonding is for life. I am surprised that many Christians don't - despite the fact that that is one of the only thing Jesus kept from Judaism. I acknowledge that a small percentage of the human population will not pair bond for life - but I am surprised at how high the number is in the west.
Jul '11
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
What if you were having a friendly competition to see who could give each other the most? Wouldn't some good come of that?
Topic for the next podcast, Mollie ;-D?
Nov '11
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
What if you were having a friendly competition to see who could give each other the most? Wouldn't some good come of that?
Just kidding -- but marriage is ideal when instead of thinking about what's coming to you, you each think about how to make the other's life better. It's counterintuitive, perhaps, but when each spouse places the partner's well being above his or her own well being, everyone gets taken care of much better.
Also, this whole conversation is a good reminder that I have the world's best husband.
That last line just made me say "Awwwww" inside my head. So much so that I'm not even going to ask you if meant that pun.
I'll amend my remarks to say that what I said excludes competitions of the kind you describe.
And what you said, Mollie is spot on. It's not counterintuitive to me. Actually what you said is very Randian. You love someone, they're of a supreme value to you, so of course you'd place their well at or above your own. (Wow, way to nail the Objectivist theory of love.)
Sep '12
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
This isn't new thinking -- great comments above -- I'd like to add this thought that men may have in common with each other: FYI: My husband doesn't "see" dirt. But I do. Also: my husband considers it volunteer work, to clean house in which his effort is equated to love or affection.
Finally: There is more broken stuff to deal with; ie, vacuum cleaner sucked up something too big, wall corners knocked so hard paint chips off, wine glasses breaking in dishwasher, windows and wood floors splattered with soapy/dirty water -- he leaves me more work after he is finished -- I have learned to applaud him for his effort, though! Because his effort is his way of demonstrating he cares! No jewelry for me!
My husband deals with office politics and makes $$ enough to support our family. I am lousy at office politics and as an illustrator, never make enough $$. But boy, can I keep our house nice!
I guess it works!
Jun '12
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Just for the record, I do share in the chores. Dishes, vacuuming, laundry, get kids ready, etc. I have no problem with it, mainly because I am more OCD about tidiness than Mrs. Cornelius. Actually, she would probably insist on Ms. Cornelius.
Sep '10
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Mrs. Vance : Can you empty out the dishwasher?
Me : No
Mrs. Vance : Why not?!?
Me: Because I love you!
Yeah, I will be forwarding this article on to the wife.
Apr '12
Re: Couples Who Share Housework 50% More Likely to Divorce
Divorce? Half the time when my husband "helps" with house work, I want to kill him! Either I don't explain well enough and he manages to make things worse or I spend more time telling him how to do it than it would take to just do it. When packing to move, he used up half of the boxes and didn't even manage to get three kitchen cupboards into them; this from the guy who can fit clothes for all four of us for a week in a single suitcase.
That said, he generally only gets insistent on helping when I'm obviously down; other than that, he knows he just doesn't "see" mess the same way that I do, same way I can't "see" color interactions the same way he does. When I go on the "I can't stand it!!!" kicks and start reorganizing entire rooms, he puts down what he's doing and helps. When possible, he'll even let me sleep in while he distracts the kids.
I'm not even sure where "housework" would fall. We just do our stuff and figure we do too little.