Bring Back Stoicism
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words of condolence on the passing of my grandmother, Sina Berlinski.
We don't talk much about death in our culture. Inevitable though we all know it is, the event remains shrouded in taboo.
Even today, we still feel uncomfortable and awkward talking about these kinds of issues. Sex, increasingly more explicitly shown in our society, has been lost long ago as a taboo, as we have been revealed as a nation of secret voyeurs. Sex is no longer a taboo subject. In fact, no topic is held back from public display and discussion, except death. Death is something we want to forget about. A 1991 Gallup poll showed that Americans almost never think of death, or think of it only occasionally.
No kidding, head-shrinkers. There's a damned good reason we don't talk about death all the time. It's totally depressing.
Where my grandmother's concerned, all taboos are to remain in full force. The family requests a curt nod of the head, the words "Sorry to hear that" if you're feeling particularly demonstrative, and an immediate return to business as usual.
Trust me, it's what she would have wanted. She thought we should bring back all the taboos against talking about sex, too, and I reckon she was right.
We will return shortly to our usually scheduled programming. Carry on.
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May '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
Understood Claire. We will restrict the personal chatter to your past relationships and present family of cats. Nevertheless, I hope your quick trip home allowed you to say goodbye.
Sep '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
We will restrict the personal chatter to your past relationships and present family of cats.
Feel free to discuss the wannabes pawing at the door trying to get in as well.
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
Same exact thing in my family, Claire. Carry on. Indeed. But I have found, oddly, that the sadness over a loved one's death does not, in fact, diminish over time. It roars back with a vengeance at unexpected times. Other times, it fades. No method to the madness (sadness). Anyway, much love to your whole family. We actually found the "official" business of greeting others, being social, making decisions, etc. to carry us through those early, most raw days. Regardless, take care of yourself.
Aug '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
And here I thought you were making an empassioned appeal to bring back "Stoicism," the moral philosophy where one does something "because it is morally right" and where the wise man can never truly suffer.
Now to your subject.
I freely talk about the death of my mom -- over a decade ago and due to addiction -- but without weepy weakness.
Deaths are significant, the losses are real, and as Lewis would say the pain of the loss is due to the joy of the life. It is a blessing when one moves beyond the initial sadness and remembers the joys. It helps greatly when the sadness rekindles, as it is wont to do.
I wish you and your family comfort in the short term, and joy in the long term.
May '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
>>She thought we should bring back all the taboos against talking about sex, too, and I reckon she was right.<<
I went to visit the Parish Priest of my childhood in a nursing home shortly before his death, and he reflected that in place the Victorians' taboo about talking about sex, we now had a taboo about talking about death, which was ridiculous, since some people (he was a lifelong celibate now dying) went through their entire life without encountering the first, but we all leave by way of the second. He managed to find that amusing, which I thought combined stoicism with greatness of mind.
Lewis's "A Grief Observed" is a wonderfully observed account of his own loss. I remember my mother's relief when I pointed out the opening sentences after my father dies "I never knew grief felt so much like fear" - it was just what she was experiencing, and it helped her understand that there wasn't anything wrong with her.
As Jonah Goldberg pointed out on the Corner yesterday, just getting on with life again is the key thing. I wish you strength with doing that.
May '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
The Dick Cheney manner of living. Refreshing.
Sep '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
I'm guessing Woody Allen wasn't high on your grandmother's list.
Dec '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
OK by me. I do enough of that at work.
Jun '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism
I think I would have really liked your grandmother, and hope the feeling would have been mutual. And, yes, our primary job is going on with life. As P.G. Wodehouse said, "Life is just one damned thing after another."
Aug '10
Re: Bring Back Stoicism