Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
My question about the mystery of merchants who can't make change in Istanbul prompted my Turkish friends to leave a series of interesting comments on my Facebook page, giving me cause again to reflect upon the curiosities of expatriate life.
I've been here for five years, going on six, and you'd think I'd pretty much understand the basics of Turkish etiquette by now. Yet regularly it is revealed to me that I've been doing something that is, by American standards, completely normal and by local standards weird, rude and inappropriate. Why haven't I noticed? Because those around me have been far too polite to point it out.
Here's the transcript of a chat I had some time ago with my brother about this. Note that his wife is Italian.
Claire says: I had one of those days where by Turkish standards, I just kept doing the wrong thing. I am very sick of hearing, "In Turkey, it's considered rude to do X," X being whatever perfectly normal thing I've just done.
Mischa says: I am so sympathetic. I hate being a foreigner all the time. But I do enjoy telling Cristina that she is being rude by American standards.
Claire says: Did you know that in Turkey it's considered rude to cross your legs when speaking to an older person? Did you know that in Turkey you can't wave to someone with your hand above the level of your heart, lest you offend them by appearing to command rather than beckon them?
Mischa says: Cristina just misunderstood "taper down" as "tape her down." Also, her parents got confused while I was away and tried to feed the cat with kitty litter.
Claire says: If I didn't actually really love the guy, I'd just say, "[To heck with--ed.] your culture and its ridiculous eagerness to take offense." But I do! And I would wish him to make an effort not to be offensive to my friends, so I want to make an effort. The problem is, there is no way to predict what's going to offend a Turk.
Mischa says: Well, don't go out with his friends and it won't be a problem.
Claire says: I'm leaning that direction, for sure.
Mischa says: Also, it's just as easy to give offense in our culture, as Borat demonstrated.
Claire says: Yes, but since we spend all our time in Turkey, it's always me making the cultural mistakes. And it can't be easy for him, having a totally socially unacceptable American girlfriend. I'm sure his embarrassment is very real when I wave with my hand above the level of my heart.
Mischa says: Whose wouldn't be?
So, with that in mind--who knew that all this time, I've been thinking, "For goodness sake, you're a cab driver, why can't you make change for a twenty-lira bill?" And the cab driver has been thinking, "These foreigners are so odd and uncouth. Imagine, asking me to change a twenty-lira bill! But I shall do it, smilingly and without causing her shame, because she is a guest in my country."
Live and learn.
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Comments :
Jun '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Dang, makes my whole cultural experience in Russia a complete bore. Minefields everywhere in Turkey. It's pretty tough to offend a Russian unless you refuse to drink with him on the train. Good luck!
Oct '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Now I know why I get funny looks when I wave freely to my Turkish classmates! What's still unclear to me re change-making, however, is just what merchants in Instanbul expect. Must the consumer have exact change at all times, or are you supposed to include the remainder as gratuity? Perhaps I'm so American that I can't wrap my mind around this concept.
Oct '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Claire Berlinski, Ed.:
I didn't know these things. Maybe I'm not the best example of "Turkish".
However, I can tell you that asking a cab driver to change a 20 lira bill after you've been his customer is certainly not rude. Maybe you're inconveniencing him and if he's a grumpy person, he might resent your for it. But this is definitely due to his fault, not yours.
May '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
I thought the lesson of Borat was that you have to try really hard to offend ordinary Americans. People went out of their way to accommodate his weirdness. Borat and Bruno can only exist in America because in england he'd be mincemeat for the chavs.
Nov '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
I guess that's one of the main reasons my wife and I don't travel (money being the other). We're too afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. It's tough living in a box but if you have a recliner and a couple plants it's not so bad.
May '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
After having lived most of my adult life abroad, I have mastered the knack of observing the natives very closely, without appearing to look too closely. However, when I return to the USA I relax my guard and sometimes I find that I have lost the ability to pick up on subtle cues that Americans give off, like signaling that a conversation is coming to a close, or conversely picking up on some trivial remark and taking it to have some subtle indirect meaning. Humor is also a problem. It often involves going over the line slightly. But that involves knowing where the line is, and when you don't live there you don't really know.
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Inanç has also just perfectly demonstrated another curiosity of Turkish culture: No one will give you the same answer about what is and isn't rude. You'd think Inanç would be the authority here, given that he's Turkish. Except, and I quote, "Claire, I don't think they would consider it rude for a foreigner; but it is most certainly rude. =)"--this comment was posted on my Facebook page, by an authentic Turk, who also tells me he's never heard that it's rude to cross your legs when speaking to an older person. And that last, I heard from an authentic Turkish person, too.
May '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
"Tape her down" is rude? Oops.
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Also from a Turkish friend: "By the way Claire, I think you overthink about offending the Turkish. I, no matter how many years I spent on living in America, would be labeled as an overly emotional, easily offended Turkish guy. That is what I am, and that is what you are. I really think you should act just as you are and trust in the famous Turkish hospitality for the rest." Sounds great, right? And Turkish hospitality is very, very real. But from time to time, I do inadvertently cause diplomatic-incident level offense, and I know this from the fallout. I don't mind when I offend knowingly; I'm very happy to offend when the issue in question is one of principle--if I'm offensive when I defend an important political principle, fine. But I hate to do it by accident, when being polite would just be a matter of knowing what the local mores are.
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
All depends on the context, Scott. It's subtle. Knowing when it's polite to tape her down and when it's a felony is precisely what distinguishes the traveler from the tourist.
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Yes! If you've been abroad too long, your own country can be confusing when you go home. I now find myself mildly disturbed when I walk into someone's home in America and see that no one is taking off his or her shoes. It just seems dirty. The Turkish perspective on this is entirely reasonable--think where those shoes have been! And you're just going to walk around the house with them on? Where your kids play? And honestly, for all I complain and complain and complain about the way Turks are willing to waste my time, there is something about American efficiency in a business meeting that can seem a bit ... impersonal. After years in Turkey, you do kind of expect tea and cookies and a few hours of conversational warmup before your business is actually consummated.
Jul '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Are you allowed to ask about Allen Iverson?
May '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Think maybe you got the words "American = Sucker" stenciled on your forehead. Whatever you do, don't slap a Maple Leaf on your backpack.
Sep '10
Re: Being a Foreigner Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
The only time I was in Turkey I almost brought my cab driver to tears when I did the unthinkable: I put on my seatbelt. Then for the whole ride I had to listen to him explain in broken English, "No, no, no, me good driver."
Not sure if that was cultural or if he just had some weird ego issues. Anyway, he got me to my hotel without hitting anything and I think he took that as proof that I was wrong to use a seatbelt.