Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
Rob Long is wondering whether there's some wisdom to the tradition of arranged marriages. I've occasionally wondered that myself. This moment stays in my mind, though.
After I quit my job at Asia Times--when I was about, what, 25 or 26?--I decided that instead of doing the sensible thing and looking for another job, I'd take my last paycheck and go backpacking through India for a few months. I went by myself, and I brought nothing with me--just a small school backpack with a towel, a couple of T-shirts, a few good books. I flew to Calcutta, then took the train through Orissa down to Pondicherry, then somehow made it overland to Karnataka, up through Goa ... it was a long, strange, meandering journey, just unforgettable, and this was before the penetration of the Internet, back in the time when it was still possible to go completely off the grid. No one knew where I was. Every morning that summer I woke up feeling that anything was possible.
I wound up one day in a temple in Gokarna. I was watching the monkeys play when a lovely young woman showed up with her entire family. She was a few years younger than me, and like most Indians she was extremely curious about who I was and what I was doing there and which God I worshipped. After a few minutes of conversation, she told me she was getting married later that month and invited me to her wedding. I thanked her--I was touched--but said I'd probably be gone by then.
She asked me if I was married. I said no. She asked if I planned to get married. I said I didn't know. Then she asked if it was true that in America, women chose their own husbands. I said yes. A wistful look passed over her face. "So you're free, then," she said.
She said it with no rancor. It was just an observation.
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Comments :
May '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
Claire's seen more of my country than I have. I've never set foot outside the New Delhi metropolis. Arranged marriage is very different across the spectrum of india's social and economic strata. The more liberal and upwardly mobile generation prefer to go through a "dating phase" to get acquainted with prospective spouses, even cohabitation (with the blessing of both families).This is pretty much the norm in the urban areas as expatriate indians have brought back western culture and ideas with them. Some are perfectly at home with arranged marriage, and will point at their already married siblings or college friends as examples. Some will pull a Michael Corleone and object to having had their life planned in advance and shudder at the thought of wading into the "meat market" (their words not mine).
Still, when one hears of married couples fighting, the first sentence out is: Must be a "lawv" marriage...
Jun '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
I met a retired American gent while traveling in Asia. He had spent considerable time in Bali getting to know the local people. Eventually he was adopted by a large extended family. The family's reason for the adoption as related by the gent went something like this: "We lost our old man a few months back. What family is complete without an old man? We need an old man, and you need a family. So, we're inviting you to join ours."
Aside from the shear charm of the story, I think the Balinese approach is preferable to locking away grandad in a nursing home. My understanding is that the gentleman returned to Bali to stay with his new family till the end of his days.
May '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
In Japan there are quasi-arranged marriages which are really arranged "blind-dates". Many people are too shy and too well-behaved to go out and find a mate for themselves. No one is coerced. It works quite well for shy people, because the candidates are filtered carefully by responsible adults. This type of marriage is now the minority but it is by no means disappearing.
May '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
I actually live in a rearranged marriage. Since I got married 18 years ago there is no part of my life that my wife as not rearranged to her liking...
May '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
The trip through India sounds suspiciously like the ending of "Loose Lips" (just finished today). Fun read.
Jun '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
For most of human history, the goal of marriage was to have the children that would help do the farming (or hunting,) and support you in your old age, so that you wouldn't be alone, begging in the street, when you're a 70-year-old arthritic. And if you weren't smart enough to see that possibility, your parents were.
Jun '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
I'm with Claire on this one. "So you're free, then," pretty much sums it up for me.
Jul '10
Re: Arranged Marriages: An Anecdote
As one who works with adolescent kids I do see some logic to the arranged marriages, though I must admit the idea of it repels me. Adolescent girls mature much faster than adolescent boys. That we know. What I have seen is 6th grade girls coming to school in what I can only consider totally inappropriate clothing, clothing which emphasizes their newly developing curves and obvious sexuality. By the time their are in 8th grade there is no question that many have become sexually active. That is 13 years old. Many of the kids in my special education class have mothers 13 to 14 years older than their oldest child and are single parents. Seeing this, I began to wonder if this was the reason for arranged marriages and why among Muslims young girls are married off to older men when still in their teens. There is no question that this is a growing problem in our society. It certainly isn't one that sex education classes is helping or the dispensing of condoms is reducing. I don't know the answer, but there is no question in my mind that arranged marriages were the solution at an earlier time.