Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
We can seem awfully needy, compared to men. Not many guys write advice columnists to complain when they don't get a call the day after the hookup.
Here's Marguerite Fields in that inaugural piece for the "Modern Love" feature in the New York Times, explaining her valiant efforts to be strong, and live in the present like the guys in her life:
Jane Austen was keenly aware of what we might call the "attachment gap" between the sexes.
Mr. Darcy: "A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."
Jane Austen's heroines become "attached" more easily than her heroes. Marianne thinks that Willoughby "did feel the same way" as she did. Only apparently it was easier for him to quit feeling that way--maybe because in order to enjoy the present he didn't need to freight their love with expectations about the future the way she did.
But Jane Austen didn't see this attachment gap--or our typically greater emotional intelligence, verbal facility, and talent for relationship dynamics--as a defect. She would not have approved of Marguerite Fields' attempt to train herself to be less subject to "woman's feelings"--to care less, and to live more in the present. In Persuasion, Anne Elliot actually calls women's longer-lasting fidelity in love "a privilege I claim for my own sex."
And isn't it in fact a strength, not a weakness? In other areas of our lives--education, career, finances--which do we respect more: The people who freight their present actions and experiences with hopes and plans for the future? Or the people who live blithely in the moment?
We need to learn from Jane Austen to see women's longer time horizon in love as a valuable resource--for the happiness of both sexes.
- Comment (17)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (2)
Comments:
Mar '11
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
I occasionally feel like the ad service that Ricochet employs is mocking me. For example, I click on this post to have an intellectually enlightening discussion about some of the differences in the way men and women are constructed, and the ad service promptly generates this nugget:
If only I was a GSA employee......
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
Hilarious.
Crow's Nest: I occasionally feel like the ad service that Ricochet employs is mocking me. For example, I click on this post to have an intellectually enlightening discussion about some of the differences in the way men and women are constructed, and the ad service promptly generates this nugget:
If only I was a GSA employee...... · 2 minutes ago
Jul '11
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
Women lose a husband and mourn for years...either remarrying later or not they endure somehow. Men crumble and die or get remarried quickly. Weaker sex by backside, God made women emotionally stronger in critical areas.
May '10
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
Elizabeth Kantor:
But Jane Austen didn't see this attachment gap--or our typically greater emotional intelligence, verbal facility, and talent for relationship dynamics--as a defect. She would not have approved of Marguerite Fields' attempt to train herself to be less subject to "woman's feelings"--to care less, and to live more in the present.
Well said. I agree with Austen.
It is common (and probably has always been so) for people to advise their friends suffering from unrequited love to forget the objects of their affection. "He/she wasn't worth it" is a popular refrain. This is a selfish love — to only give to the extent that one receives. It treats love as a contract, rather than a gift.
I tell my friends that they have two options upon rejection: grow callous or grow strong. To continue caring for a person when that affection is not entirely reciprocated is a difficult and painful sacrifice, but ultimately more fulfilling for both parties.
If one treats love as a contract during courtship, one is likely to treat it as a contract in marriage as well. This is the basest form of marriage. The noblest form is a promise.
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
You might almost be channeling Anne Elliot: "'Your feelings may be the strongest,' replied Anne, 'but the same spirit of analogy will authorise me to assert that ours are the most tender. Man is more robust than woman, but he is not longer lived; which exactly explains my view of the nature of their attachments.'"
Oct '10
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
It seems that the modern woman tries to emulate the masculine qualities because she assumes they're better, while giving lip service to the view that traditionally male traits like aggression are destructive for society, and inferior.
Well, masculine qualities are better. In a man. I hope to not see too many in my wife. If feminists really viewed the feminine as equally worthy, I think a lot of the enmity between the sexes would evaporate. C.S.Lewis wrote somewhere--The Four Loves, I think--about how it's perfectly natural for men to congregate and laugh about women and their foibles and vice-versa. I think feminists must have listened in to a few too many male bull sessions and really took it to heart. If I really took seriously my wife's cracks about me to her sister, I'd be in a sorry state. Usually, though, she makes me laugh too.
Which reminds me, our wise president announced through his White House spokesman that he feels it's high time the Augusta Golf Club accepted women members. I think he heard they were making some unPC cracks in the clubhouse. Didn't Rodney Dangerfield die?
Sep '10
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
I used to think that Darcy was just indulging his wit, but after a few rounds in the dating scene I realized he was right. If a lady goes on a third date with a man, she's already decided the color her bridesmaids will wear.
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
A lot of truth in this, though I think it's important to understand that there's a big difference between good-natured eye-rolling about the "Men!" that we really love and respect, versus angry, bitter man-bashing about men we despise and resent. The latter is a serious handicap to women who are looking--it's seriously counterproductive to get into a state in which anything masculine you notice about a guy seems like evidence he's just another jerk--not to mention, seriously dangerous to your happiness once you're a couple. (More on this in The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After, naturally!)
Severely Ltd.:
C.S.Lewis wrote somewhere--The Four Loves, I think--about how it's perfectly natural for men to congregate and laugh about women and their foibles and vice-versa. I think feminists must have listened in to a few too many male bull sessions and really took it to heart. If I really took seriously my wife's cracks about me to her sister, I'd be in a sorry state. Usually, though, she makes me laugh too. . . .
· 52 minutes ago
Feb '12
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
Different yes, weaker,no. I need my husband to open jars, he needs me to wash and bandaid his bloody cuts. A perfectly complimentary set of strengths.
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
I do not know whether women are the weaker sex, but they certainly are more amusing.
Someone should do a post on Patrick O'Brian -- of whom it was once said, "If Jane Austen's brother -- who was in the British navy -- had written novels of the calibre of hers, he would have written these."
Jan '12
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
My copy of your new book, The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After, arrived today; I can't wait to start reading it!
Aaron Miller's observation has brought to mind those lines of a Shakespeare sonnet, which roll off the tongue because we learned them in school, and such early plantings will always come to life:
..."Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;"...
Also, Elizabeth, before I had read down to your reference to Anne Elliot's words, her character had also come to mind, particularly the conversation that she has with Capt. Harville:
"The one claim I shall make for my sex is that we love longest, when all hope is gone"...
What is so wonderful about Jane Austen's amazing insights into human relationships is that they are so true and spot on that one recalls the scene and character almost immediately!
Thank you for this interesting topic!
Nov '11
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
Reading Marguarite Fields' prize-winning NY Times essay about her sad love life, I began shaking my head at the second sentence, and never stopped.
How could a young woman be so blind in her choice of men, time after time after time? The answer is: she can't be.
I think Ms. Fields was either simply exaggerating and/or was almost purposefully choosing to date one loser after another, so that she could claim the attention necessary for her martyr's pleasure, which consists of talking about how lousy all men are while sighing about how one is learning (Zenlike) to rise above it.
Winning the NY Times Valentines Day essay contest must have perfectly fulfilled her craving.
Unfortunately for Ms. Fields and quite a few other women, sensible men (and those capable of elementary logic) are never attracted to women who explain endlessly how all the guys they've ever been involved with are losers. (Well, duh!) I hope that little nugget of wisdom is somewhere in The Jane Austen Guide .
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
That's my favorite Shakespeare sonnet (since high school)!
Barbara Kidder: My copy of your new book, The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After, arrived today; I can't wait to start reading it!
Aaron Miller's observation has brought to mind those lines of a Shakespeare sonnet, which roll off the tongue because we learned them in school, and such early plantings will always come to life:
..."Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;"...
Also, Elizabeth, before I had read down to your reference to Anne Elliot's words, her character had also come to mind, particularly the conversation that she has with Capt. Harville:
"The one claim I shall make for my sex is that we love longest, when all hope is gone"...
What is so wonderful about Jane Austen's amazing insights into human relationships is that they are so true and spot on that one recalls the scene and character almost immediately!
Thank you for this interesting topic! · 4 hours ago
Jul '10
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
The Fields' type women were a shock of sorts in my younger days. When I realized what the game was it put me permanently off dating anyone I didn't know pretty well already. (Probably good advice in any event. The novel may be spicier, but you end up far emptier than when you started.) I found myself involved in transactions where the expectations were not only out of sync, but bizarre. I tagged them as "sensible" girls, scare quotes very much intended, and pretended not to notice their advances from then on.
As Heinlein pointed out in the Star Beast, when the girls stop worrying about their honor it's time for the boys to attend to theirs.
Edited on April 6, 2012 at 4:57amRe: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
There is a good bit about the dangers of man-bashing in The Jane Austen Guide. But I don't think the Fields piece is a good example. She's actually resisting the temptation to be really bitter and sarcastic about experiences that would naturally make any woman angry. And I don't think it's likely that she's exaggerating. I wouldn't be surprised if she's moving in circles where there really don't seem to be any viable alternatives to the kind of love life she describes. Her article (and it's not the only one) does make me want to scream, "Who told women they had to put up with this garbage?" But it seems more to the point to tell them that they don't, and to point them to tools for running their love lives differently.
Astonishing:
I think Ms. Fields was either simply exaggerating and/or was almost purposefully choosing to date one loser after another, so that she could claim the attention necessary for her martyr's pleasure, which consists of talking about how lousy all men are while sighing about how one is learning (Zenlike) to rise above it.
Feb '12
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
dogsbody
I used to think that Darcy was just indulging his wit, but after a few rounds in the dating scene I realized he was right. If a lady goes on a third date with a man, she's already decided the color her bridesmaids will wear. · Apr 5 at 11:14am
We men need to be taught this. In my youth I behaved cruelly, unintentionally, to ladies, not by lying, but by giving them the impression that marriage was likely rather than merely possible.
Feb '12
Re: Are Women the Weaker Sex, After All?
Division of labor is useful here. It is good to have one member of a pair thinking a lot about the relationship, to keep it healthy, and another not obsessing about it, so other things in life can get done. Women and men are well matched that way. Men complain about "high-maintenance girlfriends", but it actually works out well for both sides if the goal is more than mere entertainment.