Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
Like many college students at some point over the past month, I spent a few days moving into a new place for this upcoming school year. Scaling several flights of stairs while hauling hand-me-down furniture in which the original ownership is no longer known (perhaps for better, because you might not have accepted that sofa if you knew its past) is almost rite of passage for students as they get settled into their new apartment, dormitory, or house. It represents a certain independence from your parents and the pre-college years, where you learn to live, cook, budget, time-manage, clean, and other responsibilities that you may have once taken for granted when Mom and Pop were just down the hallway. You develop in a way that is intended to better you for once you’ve nabbed your diploma and hit “the real world.”
Yet, for those that have read Mark Steyn’s After America, we see that this formerly formative period in one’s life – the whole “baby bird leaving the nest and spreading its wings” episode – may actually only last through your undergraduate career, if it all. Steyn describes an Italian court ruling in which a sixty year old father must continue to pay Marina, his thirty-two year old daughter who is still working on her thesis eight years after her last class, a monthly allowance:
Marina is what they call a “a bambocciona,” which translates roughly, as “big baby” – a term that the ever-growing number of Italian adults still living at home, in the same bedroom they’ve slept in since they were in diapers.
Marina is the norm, not the exception: seven out of ten adults aged 18 to 39 live with their folks in Italy. Steyn also sheds light on the “bambocciona” equivalents in Germany (Nesthockers) and Britain (KIPPERS). “Today, most developed nations have managed to defer adulthood,” Steyn remarks. Here in the U.S., close to 40% of those between the ages of 25 and 34 are living in their parents’ home, which has doubled since. We’re far enough behind the trend to correct ourselves before it gets too late, but close enough to see it’s not unthinkable that we’d reach that point.
It seems counter-productive: work hard to go somewhere, only to end up where you started after a lot of time and money. It’s like an old Jerry Seinfeld bit about horse-racing. Panting after the race, the horse wonders why he just ran so fast to finish exactly where he just was a minute ago.
I understand there are many reasons to all this, ranging from economic to political, but it just seems more cultural to me than anything else, which is ultimately influencing the other areas. To a certain degree, there's an approach towards college that it’s a multi-year summer camp: you go somewhere new, have some fun, entertain your hobbies, meet some cool people, and (maybe) learn something along the way. What happens when this metaphorical summer comes to an end though? Well, I guess as we’re seeing, Mom and Dad come pick you and your stuff up and its back to their place.
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Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
It's widely accepted among conservative circles that this whole living with one's parents into adulthood thing is something that people should be ashamed of. I guess I sort of tend toward that kind of thinking too. But on the other hand, why shouldn't people live with their parents? In other cultures throughout history --like the Japanese in the 18th, 19th, and early 20th centuries or -- you'd see three and sometimes even four generations living together under the same roof. It made for stronger, closer families, and in turn one could argue, stronger societies. Families were a safety net, a community, and a pool of resources. There was always someone to take care of the babies and someone to take care of the grandparents. Of course this set up was probably hellish for poor daughter-in-laws who had to put up with abuse from overbearing mother-in-laws, but it seems to me this multi-generational living would have more pros than cons. Why do we frown upon it so much now?
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
There are certainly stigmas associated with living at home into adulthood, and there are definitely mutually beneficial reasons to doing so across the board. With such a big family, we've had various relatives stay with us for months and it's ultimately been a rewarding experience for everyone involved, even if there are some spats here and there.
I guess my point isn't that everyone doing it is automatically a freeloader, but it is happening, whether it be due to lack of employment and professional preparedness or just a disinterest in moving on. Perhaps my concern with this cause-and-effect is the cause (bad economy, credibility of higher education, generational approach to college, etc.) rather than the actual effect (living at home). It's one thing to move back in with the folks and rest of the family if you want to, but it's another thing if you're doing it because you have to.
I'll have to point to culture again for why we frown upon it. It's almost a uniquely American notion of home ownership and making "it" on your own, whatever "it" may be. Other countries may not really share that.
May '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I've noticed a tendency for entering college students to consider the economic potential of their field of study almost as an afterthought, and it seems as if we have an increase in largely unemployable social science and generic business majors graduating straight back home as a result.
Put different, I haven't heard of many engineering majors living at home, but I have nothing beyond anecdotal data to support this.
Edited on Sep 14, 2011 at 7:31pmRe: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
As someone beginning his senior year, this is something that weighs on me heavily. However much I love my parents, I really would rather not keep living with them long term. Whatever aspects of living with them I will miss, I'm pretty sure it will be better for me in the long run to actually be on my own. Trouble is, my general pessimism about the economy leads me to wonder how long I could last in a nation that doesn't seem to be creating many jobs. Even if I gain entrance to grad school, I'll still have a significant amount of debt in an economy that I'm not confident will be appreciably better. Maintaining that tight of a family structure, however much it might discourage individual responsibility in the long run, reduces risk for some members of the group in the short term
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
This is a great question to pursue. Several angles strike me right away. First, I am astonished by the amount of time college students spend talking to their parents on their cellphones, sometimes right after class. "Mom, you won't believe what grade Dr. Smith just gave me . . ." That didn't happen when I was in college. Parents were lucky to get a rushed call over the weekend. Second, my colleagues and I see a real distinction between men and women on the whole, with the latter being more ambitious. Many have written on this subject, the latest book worth reading being Kay Hymowitz's Manning Up. The term basement boy or man-child is accurate. Third, there is a problem with the work ethic and expectations of many (though not all) young college graduates. They realize they will have to work hard to get a house and all the amenities they had growing up, so home appears more inviting. Finally, the parents are largely to blame. I have lived in several nice suburban neighborhoods. I see fathers mowing lawns and shoveling snow and the children driving nice cars without responsibility. When my oldest son turns 11, I stop mowing.
Mar '11
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I spent a year after college living back at my parents' house, and while they understood, it was something I hated to do. Of course my eventual leaving the nest led to me moving to South Korea but hey the job market is tough in America.
Apr '11
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I think the main thing to ask is not if people are living with their parents after they graduate from collage, but if they are living off of their parents. There are many reasons to live with your parents or another family member the biggest one is that is saves you money. Rent is not cheap, and if you are on friendly terms with your parents, why not save 500-1000 dollars a month if you can.
The other thing is if you can't find a job what are you supposed to do? Go on welfare? I have several friends who are vastly underemployed thanks to the current economy. They have either a BS in Engineering or in one case a Masters in Biology. Real degrees and useful skills, but there are no jobs for them in their field at the moment. They can't afford to live alone on their part time work. I have another friend who is a Masters of Music she is a concert violinist, she does nothing, but alas no one pays you a decent salary in that profession until you get a seat on an orchestra, and it is a highly competitive field.
Jun '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
When opportunity knocks, it probably shouldn't be your mother that answers the door. Even if you can't work for the people that you want to work for, immediately, work where you'll run into people that you'd like to work for. I've seen it happen. A young man ended up working for professional musicians--his dream job--because he was the one that their stage crew bought paint and lumber from. I don't know if he planned it that way, but he just happened to be in the right place and said the right things.
Oct '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
Italy, like many European countries, suffers from high structural unemployment. Basically, the older generations have locked in their jobs, leaving none for the their children. It's sickening, and probably explains the stay-at-home phenomenon.
Dec '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I think this is the best answer to Diane's point.
I think the current debt load that student graduate with may be a factor even larger than the economic downturn. Even with national unemployment being high, unemployment among those with college educations is still hovering around 5%.
I think there is something to be said about having appropriate expectations. While it is difficult to be 25 or 30 and still living in the seedy part of town, living on breakfast cereal and tv dinners, that experience builds character and gratefulness when success turns up. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for parents to watch their children struggle, but it seems like the instinct toward chronic intervention inflicts a far greater wound, cutting off the children's confidence in their own self-sufficiency.
Apr '11
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
It's not where someone lives that bothers me about this so much as the
deferred adulthood. When I stopped being a tax deduction I was expected
to pay rent (about 20% of my pay). I could probably have stayed home as
long as I paid rent but there was a definite expectation of "It's time
to be an adult now. Start making a life for your self". My father once
told me that when I moved out I should not expect to move back in.
It wasn't hostile - the attitude was "When you decide to be an adult
be an adult". If I told him that I couldn't find a job (common in the
Carter years) he probably would have told me to join the Navy. My
parents weren't poor. I would have been ashamed to move back in. Most
of my friends were raised with similar expectations. It's possible
to achieve family strength and closeness without living under the same
roof. Half of my siblings live within walking distance of my parents
and each other.
Apr '11
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
Terrence O. Moore:
... Second, my colleagues and I see a real distinction between men and women on the whole, with the latter being more ambitious. Many have written on this subject, the latest book worth reading being Kay Hymowitz's Manning Up. The term basement boy or man-child is accurate....
There are no longer real rites of passage for boys to become men.
The military handled much of this until the mid-70s. Distinct sex
roles for men and women (men worked, women stayed home)
handled much of the rest. Going to college, getting a job, buying a car,
getting a place to live are all rites of passage but for boys these
are all things girls do too. I suppose that getting married and having
a kid is the the big rite of passage. As Hymowitz points out the women
are not attracted to the boy-man and the boys have little incentive to
marry when they are already getting their sexual needs met and have
plenty of other amusements available. I know some young men whose
college years seem to have been filled with endless babes and beer pong.
Jun '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
"However much I love my parents, I really would rather not keep living with them long term."
Trust me, Eric. The feeling is mutual.
"I see fathers mowing lawns and shoveling snow and the children driving nice cars without responsibility."
This is one of my pet peeves. Yeah, I know it's not my business how neighbors handle their kids' chore distribution (if any chores are even assigned at all,) or what cars their kids drive, but this one is a no brainer. Mowing the lawn while your able-bodied son sits on the couch makes you look like a fool. Our son took over the mowing job at 11 as well. Shoveling snow is kind of a family fun thing in our house, as is leaf raking. Well, at least I've always presented it as such.
Outrageous tuition costs and crushing debt are factors in the man-child boom. I also believe the smaller family size is a factor. When I was in college, many classmates had five or more siblings. It was simply harder for parents and kids to have their lives entwined to the extent we often see today. Independence was a necessity.
Dec '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I don't know about other places, but I know in Italy this precedes any current economic difficulties. I cannot put my finger on it at this time, but I remember reading a piece by Tom Wolfe about how the young people in Italy were amazed that the young people in the US were going out and living their own lives by their own rules. This was written in the early 1970’s. I think it was published in collection labeled Mauve Gloves and Madmen Clutter and Vine.
Update: The title of the essay is The intelligent Coed's Guide to America
Edited on Sep 15, 2011 at 4:50amDec '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
My father had a solution to this problem. He was such an unbearable jerk none of his children lived with him any longer than they had to.
Feb '11
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I feel like an old geezer, but the shame back in the day would have been even greater than being politically incorrect today. That is gone right? Also, we lived in squalor, which the current generations will not do. Cracks me up when people talk about how "grown up" the recent generations are, based on promisuity or something, very unusual to see independence among the youth.
Dec '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
I chuckled reading this. I had a conversation with my parents when I was 20 or 21, and I started complaining about how disgruntled I was in high school. My father, quite proudly and to my consternation, told me that he didn't make life any easier than it needed to be so that of my own volition, I would choose to go out and build my own life.
That, and they said if I was still living at home 6 months after graduation, I would start paying rent. It only took me 3. Thanks Mom and Dad for keeping the bar low, for a satisfied life on my own.
Jul '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
My son is a first-year teaching assistant at a big Texas university. He marvels at a couple of his English comp students, "the stoner" and "the skater." Both are smart but clearly their interests are elsewhere. The stoner has already spent all of his Pew grant just weeks into the semester, apparently on partying, and can't afford books for the course. They show up for class but don't participate. I asked why are they even there? My son's reply: "Their parents want them to go to college." So they are squandering time and borrowed money on something for which they have zero interest. And they will flunk out early. What then?
Dec '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
They will flunk out if they are lucky. Most schools are in no hurry to rid themselves of a perfectly good source of profit. If they flunk out, at least then they might put their time to use working and developing a marketable set of skill instead of digging themselves into a debt hole that will be a mill stone around their neck when they finally have to take responsibility for their own lives.
Jun '10
Re: Are We Really "Leaving the Nest?"
"They will flunk out if they are lucky."
You are correct. Colleges have a steady stream of income from Pell Grants and the like & the dead wood student is retained long past the time he should be shown the door & launched into adulthood.. But those stoners and skaters receiving these grants have no incentive to work in school, as they will not be going into debt....it's free money. Courtesy of me and you and the rest of us US taxpayers.