Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
This piece by Amy Chua is really remarkable.
"You just don't believe in her," I accused.
"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."
"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."
"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.
"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."
I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.
Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.
I have no idea where I stand on this. My parents produced two kids who got good grades, for the most part. We were never forced, bullied or shamed into studying in the fashion Chua describes.
Not a day passes in which I don't feel guilty for not working hard enough.
Both of us failed to learn to play a musical instrument.
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May '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Perseverance is an admirable trait no matter what your background, and forgoing immediate gratification for improvement is a good predictor of success.
"Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent."
- Carl Jung. Jung may have believed in the fairies at the bottom of the garden, but he was right on target here.
If you have little materially to return to, then fear of failure will drive many parents to push their children. The Western self-esteem movement of parenting has lead to a generation of narcissists, who think that whatever they do is excellent, even though it is at best only passible. We are not all winners, and children know this too, in spite of adult pretence otherwise.
I was usually top of my class academically, and learnt two musical instruments, and Italian. However my father was a champion athelete, but I never was much good at sport, so always felt guilty about that. Guilt is your friend Claire, embrace your guilt, be at one with it ... (ironic tone intended)
May '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Judith Harris reviewed the evidence and concluded that parents don't have much influence on how children turn out. Many people didn't like her conclusions, but being unhappy and proving her conclusions wrong are two different things.
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BTW, she is not saying it doesn't matter how parents behave. Parents do have an influence on children's happiness. Trivially, if you beat your children, they will be unhappy.
Sep '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Claire,
You beat me to this post by 4 hours. May a Chinese curse be upon you. I read that story with interest and wondered how many of these children will end up as future statesmen, political leaders, CEO's etc or active in their communities when they grow up. I would have thought the example of the child rearing of John Stuart Mill would have been a resounding enough warning to those in the West, but perhaps it needs to be repeated.
Jun '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
I haven't read Chua's piece because the excerpt you provided here makes me sick to my stomach. This is abusive parenting. Creating a war zone and driving a wedge between the parents so a kid can learn a piano piece on some arbitrary timetable? I would bet my life savings that little LuLu grows to hate the piano, only learning to play robotically to shut up her mom.
As the mom of musicians, I fall somewhere in between the ideal, nurturing Suzuki method mom and deranged Chua. Any guilt I associate with music centers around my own impatience with the kids when they were younger and I was expecting unrealistic focus on their practice. I knew my kids wanted to play because I learned not to restrict bathroom breaks like crazy Chua, but would tell them clamly that if they didn't pactice it was their decision. However, they would have to call their teacher & explain that they were dropping lessons. I stressed that it was disrespectful to the teacher to show up unprepared. I also said our family could only justify the expense & travel time involved for committed musicans. It's worked beautifully.
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
I think it might be more fair to Chua to read the whole piece.
I just noticed that there are 1,211 comments thus far on that piece. I don't think I've ever seen a reaction like that to anything in the Journal before. Touched quite a nerve, it seems.
May '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Claire, here's a riddle. What do you get when you combine an Ashkenazy father with a high-IQ Chinese mother? Answer: Two daughters who would probably excel at something, no matter what their mother did.
(BTW, I know Ashkenazy is spelled with an i, not a y, but it just seems weird to me.)
May '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
By definition, half of all children (even Chinese children) are below average in intellegence, gifts, whatever.
What becomes of them?
Having raised five children, I've had a fair share of "you're going to do this, like it or not" moments. I've also learned if you push too hard on something, it will break.
Jun '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
O.K. -- I read the whole thing. It disgusts me even more --- you chose a pretty tame section.
My 19 year old daughter is currently a performing arts major in NYC. She has more gig offers than she can fit into her schedule. Today her band is performing at a concert in New Jersey. The band flies out to Chicago for two concerts over the weekend & will head to the studio on Monday to record their second CD. She's performed overseas and has musician friends from all over. No coercion. No berating or demeaning comments. She's doing what she loves.
Her younger brother may or may not choose music or performing as his profession, but he loves it just as much.
Jun '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Oh -- allow me to add a Chinese mom story. When my daughter was in high school, she won the concertmaster spot in the school orchestra for three years. I beleive it was her junior year when an extremely talented Chinese girl transferred into the school. She was a Julliard-trained violinist, practiced hours each day,and was featured on one of those NPR prodigy shows ("From the Top" might be the name.)
Naturally the orchestra director was thrilled to have the girl. But her parents were offened that she'd be required to try out for the concertmaster spot & didn't let her join. My daughter said she was a wonderful player and would have certainly been chosen -- the audition was essentially a formality to maintain the policy of fairness and equal opportunity for all. But this girl, who had no friends at her new school and no social life at all was denied an opportunity to make connections simply because of some "stubborn pride -- my prodigy will be shamed if she auditions for your inferior orchestra" Chinese parent attitude.
That's my definition of crappy parenting.
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Claire Berlinski, Ed.
I think it might be more fair to Chua to read the whole piece.
I just noticed that there are 1,211 comments thus far on that piece. I don't think I've ever seen a reaction like that to anything in the Journal before. Touched quite a nerve, it seems. · Jan 9 at 5:13a
Nearly all parents worry that they are not doing things right. An article like this touches a nerve. I can only say that no TV and no computer games works for us. The kids learn to read at four and never stop.
Sep '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Amy Chua has the right idea, but she takes it too far. Her tactics do seem near-abusive.
In the example of her daughter eventually mastering the difficult piece on the piano, I think the child's elation at finally playing it correctly was in part because she would no longer be made to endure her mom's screeching.
The elephant in the room? The bigger picture, the overall philosophy of a child (ward of the State) submitting to authority (the State), with no room for individuality. Mommie knows best = China (the State) knows best. As has been alluded to, mastering one of two musical instruments does not necessarily make for a happy life--I tend to lean more toward letting people make their own choices (freedom), even teenagers (though demanding your kids get straight A's is OK by me).
Sep '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
StickerShock:
As the mom of musicians, I fall somewhere in between the ideal, nurturing Suzuki method mom and deranged Chua. Any guilt I associate with music centers around my own impatience with the kids when they were younger and I was expecting unrealistic focus on their practice. I knew my kids wanted to play because I learned not to restrict bathroom breaks like crazy Chua, but would tell them clamly that if they didn't pactice it was their decision. However, they would have to call their teacher & explain that they were dropping lessons. I stressed that it was disrespectful to the teacher to show up unprepared. I also said our family could only justify the expense & travel time involved for committed musicans. It's worked beautifully. · Jan 9 at 5:05am
This is my idea of the ideal parental balance--the libertarian freedom plus responsibility.
Jun '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Chua has definitely hit a nerve with me!
Can you imagine going through life with this attitude: "What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it." What a joyless existence this must be.
And a mom who proudly boasts about calling her daughter "garbage" and forbidding play dates is a kook.
Nov '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Well, similar attitudes/methods have worked out really well in China itself. haven't they? The homeland of freedom, democracy, creativity? Oh, wait, I think I've been reading too much Tom Freidman....
Jul '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Our daughter showed promise in piano when she was young. But one day she stopped practicing. She sat at the keyboard, hands in her lap, until time was up. I didn't go to Chauian extremes because frankly I didn't have it in me. Her mother's attitude was that it was up to her. This continued until I ran up the white flag. It was the same with ballet. A talent spotter with the S.F. Ballet Co. was interested in her, but she decided dance was not for her. We got her into track and field in high school only by promising to buy her a car. Alan Temko, the Pulitzer-Prize-winning architectural critic, had scorn for the Chinese parental outcomes. "The Chinese are uptight," he said, "they don't have any creativity." Alan said on another occasion, "Anybody who's anybody is Jewish." I chuckled at the time, thinking it was more of his usual florid overreach. But pondering later, I realized he was right, generally speaking. It made me wonder if envy more than religion has been responsible for Jewish suffering at the hands of others over the ages. Seems I strayed off topic.
Jun '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
"It made me wonder if envy more than religion has been responsible for Jewish suffering at the hands of others over the ages."
Maybe off topic, but I have to coment -- AGREE! Especially with Christian anti-Semitism. We Christians are taught that Jews are our faith forefathers, so it can't be religion that creates a wedge. I've heard plenty of subltle and not-so-subtle anti-Semitic remarks in my lifetime that are clearly fostered by envy.
Dec '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Let's compare. With the Chinese method you produce a person with rigid self-discipline obedient to authority; with the well-balanced application of the American method (liberty with a sense of obligation) you produce a person with love of learning. I'm generalizing and simplifying, of course, but I think what I've described is exhibited in the two cultures and explains why Americans are such great innovators.
Dennis Prager, who conducts orchestras as a hobby (he taught himself as a kid), tells a story about once asking members to raise their hands if they were forced by their parents to play an instrument. Only one person raised his hand.
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
I have no problem at all with the way Amy raises her children. And, furthermore, I tend to agree that people like me (Western mothers) are comparatively too lazy and self-absorbed to spend hours nagging, cajoling, shouting, tutoring, etc. to get a result.
My problem is with the philosophy implicit here that all things are possible with practice, and her explicit statement that happiness comes when you are good at something. This does not leave room for children who are not perfect, such as my daughter with Down syndrome. The world is filled with children who are not born with the ability to be good at anything "traditional." My daughter will never be first in her class or win an orchestra spot. Yet, she's incredibly happy. Furthermore, our family is happier because of her. Uniquely so. It's not just that she makes us happy because she's our child, it's because she's a child with a disability. That fact brings a lot of wisdom, peace and, yes, true, deep, HAPPINESS to our family. In a world populated by moms all like Amy Chua, children like my daughter would be in orphanages, homes or, worse, exterminated.
Edited on Jan 9, 2011 at 8:02amJun '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Ursula, I commented earlier that her philosophy will lead to a joyless existence. I'm sure your daughter brings joy to you and everyone around her.
I do have a problem with how she raises her children, though. It's abusive, and her wimpy husband doesn't agree with it, but did not protect his daughters from their sick mother. Can you imagine your husband sitting by as you screamed at a young child for hours? For any reason, least of all failure to master a piece of music? There's a very wide range of good, solid Western-style parenting that fits between the abusive Chua on one end of the spectrum and the lazy, self-absorbed parents we've all encountered on the other.
Aug '10
Re: Are Chinese Mothers Superior?
Not letting the child get up for bathroom breaks or water?... uh... that's a tad creepy -- unless you know your kid is just using the bathroom or water as an excuse.
As for parental musical nagging, I wish my parents had been better at it. Not that they didn't nag, but they did it in a counterproductive way:
They would nag when I didn't practice. But they would also nag -- a lot -- when I did practice -- complain that my practicing was annoying or distracting them (really? then why have your kid do music in the first place?), complain I was spending too much time getting one passage right rather than switching to other pieces (but why do music unless you aspire to perfection?). And other things...
I, uh... didn't practice enough as a child. I don't entirely blame myself. I um... developed... inhibitions about practicing and performance -- I became too panicky to perform even when I had practiced enough... A shame... I had some exceptional talent. (Something other parents recognized, but mine did not.)
It took years in the college practice rooms -- away from my parents -- to overcome my inhibitions -- to the extent I have.
Edited on Jan 9, 2011 at 8:10am