A Woman's Wrath
“It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman,” according to Proverbs 21:19. Not only is this excellent advice for all you men out there—hell hath no fury like a woman crossed—but it's an issue that some of our leading ladies have had to tiptoe around as they try to graciously lead their lives in the public eye.
Consider the cases of Michelle Obama, Marianne Gingrich, and Elizabeth Warren, outlined recently in this article from the Washington Post. Marianne Gingrich was supposed to ruin Newt's campaign, but was eventually dismissed as a "probably very bitter" ex-wife. Responding to Jodi Kantor’s book The Obamas, the first lady put the media in a tizzy when she said, “people have tried to paint [a picture] of me since the day Barack announced, that I’m some angry black woman.” And Elizabeth Warren, according to the Post:
...didn’t skip a beat after her ire over corporate lobbying in Washington was called into question by host Jon Stewart. “For a second, it does seem like you’re a little mad at me,” interjected Stewart, leaning away in apparent discomfort with the zeal on display.
The point of the Post story is that there is a double standard in our society. Men can get angry with little to no consequences, but women cannot:
Studies suggest that, unlike men, women who express anger or lose their tempers in the workplace are seen as less competent and therefore less valued. Females learn to curb their hostilities from a young age, and when female aggression is deployed, it has to be tiptoed around, gussied up with a shiny coat of lip gloss, an updo and a wink or, as evidenced in many a junior high school hallway, communicated passively, along back channels and in whispers.
What is all the more infuriating about such prohibitions are the breathtaking hypocrisies they contain. Sometimes it seems that those most likely to mock anger as a means of dismissing and silencing legitimate female claims of dissatisfaction are those most likely to utilize the politics of resentment and victimization for personal or ideological gain.
I don't see this as a men versus women issue. Let's remember that there is a limit to how emotionally exuberant men can get, too, as Howard Dean showed us several election cycles ago. And let's not forget about Charlie Sheen's and Mel Gibson's falls from grace. The bottom line is that it is always distasteful to see our public figures get angry because it's a sign of their losing emotional control. In politics, as in Hollywood, appearances are everything, which is why they are controlled and micromanaged by a team of stylists, make up artists, and publicists.
I can't help but think of Kate Middleton here, Britain's leading lady. She has been hailed far and wide by the press for her poise, story after story pointing out how graceful she is: "Kate Middleton Gracefully Loses a Boat Race to Prince William." Would a woman like Elizabeth Warren have gotten mad in that situation?
What sets Kate apart is that she is in control of her image.
For if there is one thing Kate has shown in the past year, it is that she is not the kind of girl to make an unforced error like that. From the moment she clambered aboard her father-in-law’s car for a crowd-pleasing drive around Buckingham Palace after the wedding, she has proved to be a consummate master of the common touch. Her amazing performance for the record crowds outside Sandringham Church on Christmas Day have led to comparisons with Diana, but in fact those are wide off the mark.
As Kate enters her 31st year, it’s quite apparent that she isn’t Diana 2.0. Princess Di was naïve, where Kate is savvy. In a way that Diana never saw until it was far too late, the Duchess of Cambridge understands the perils of her position: the politics, the power plays, and how things could turn very nasty, very quickly were she to become identified with the idle rich at a time of austerity in the UK.
In addition to the issue of control, there's a second point to make: when some women lose emotional control, it's been historically seen as passionate, vulnerable, and even desirable (Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe). Were these women powerful, the way that Michelle Obama and Kate Middleton are? Maybe not in the public/civic sense, but they privately wielded their own kind of power—an emotional power that may have touched more people than political power ever could. Where does that leave the Post article, which concludes that "Even today, an angry female arouses fear and is dismissed"? Yes, she arouses fear, but she is not dismissed quite so easily as that.
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Aug '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Hence the popularity of ice fishing.
Dec '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
The question is whether a person - of either gender - loses emotional control. There is a famous scene in The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz where the title character unleashes on a rich old man, whom he'd counted as a friend, when the man says, "It always boils down to money with you people." But he unleashes by running the table in a game of snooker, demonstrating that for years the only reason the old man had won every game was because Duddy allowed him to.
On the other hand, in Network, Howard Beale becomes quite unhinged with his "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" rant -- but he is not respected for being unhinged. Rather, he's looked on as a classic fool: the man allowed to speak truth to power.
An example of a woman keeping control of her emotions as she deals with an outrageous situation is the young single mom in Oklahoma who calmly spoke with the 911 dispatcher as she prepared to shoot dead a home invader. No one denounced her as hysterical, but rather praised her for doing what she had to do to protect her family.
Aug '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Note how many of those listed in the "out of control" category are/were substance abusers. Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor.
I'm just sayin', is all ...
May '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
"Studies suggest..." Oh. please.
Women with more testosterone get more angry (like men) and may be viewed as outside the norm or even "unladylike," but I'll warrant that (studies suggest) they may very well end up as more successful. Despite all the unfair eye-rolling in response to perceived mannishness on the part of Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren, they are both quite accomplished women in historically male-dominated fields.
So shut the hell up Washington Post before I deck you!
May '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Enough of that, let's get to the important issues.
My Cambridge Correspondent advises that she has encountered Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles driving through the streets of Cambridge as she walked to her office, but the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have yet to make an appearance. That's sort of like Obama never going to Hawaii.
Dec '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Emily,
You must know by now that I value your opinion, I wrote a post about an early episode in my life for you. (I was closer to your age in the story, it helped me relate to you).
Please understand that the reverse of what you say is true. If in the workplace a grown man raises his voice he is instantly suspected of every crime in the book. A woman can scream at top of her lungs for a paragraph or two and many will try to find why she had to. If a man takes it, he is less of a man. If a man responds back he is threatening. It is a tremendous advantage to be a women in these situations. For two men yelling at each other, the possiblity of a fist fight is the limiting factor. After one fight in 8th grade it tends to calm men down. On the other hand. If a man yells at a women, the police might be called immediately because she feels threatened. However, she might be the initiator of the yelling. Doesn't matter, she will almost always be right in the eyes of those not present.
Jul '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Completely agree, Emily, this is not a man vs. woman issue.
Let's take WaPo's first three examples of supposedly oppressed women. If Newt started dishing about his ex-wife, he would be most certainly be described as bitter, just as his ex has been. About Mrs. Obama's "some angry black woman" comment - not to sound too cute - but she's the one who said it, and it's clear that she was the one afraid of seeming that way; nobody painted that stereotype on her till she brought it up. And Elizabeth Warren's zeal didn't warrant rolled eyes because it was from a woman, it's because personalization of political arguments and making someone feel bad for engaging in a logical and open-minded discussion is part of the liberal toolbox of ways to silence dissension. I'm not a Jon Stewart fan, but good on him for pointing that out.
Jun '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Misthiocracy
Hence the popularity of ice fishing. · 1 hour ago
And don't forget the man cave. All are better than the dog house.
Jul '11
Re: A Woman's Wrath
And why does Barry have a second floor sports television office with Marlboro's aplenty and a Meesh keep out sign.
Fact is, people all behave differently when they lose their cool and the word hysteria comes to mind about females while complete jerk comes to mind for males. Nonetheless,one is usually disempowered by their anger rather than empowered and that is what people need to change. I used to be violent when upset and given my size it was a fairly scary thing. Time helps and people learn to channel their anger for a positive experience.
Jul '11
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Dave Molinari
Misthiocracy
Hence the popularity of ice fishing. · 1 hour ago
And don't forget the man cave. All are better than the dog house. · 4 minutes ago
My man cave has XBOX, Netflix, Whiskey and Beer.
Aug '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Dave Molinari
Misthiocracy
Hence the popularity of ice fishing. · 1 hour ago
And don't forget the man cave. All are better than the dog house. · 2 minutes ago
However, the man cave is not in the wilderness ... unless it's a literal cave.
Jun '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
I hope the CoC will indulge me. Typically, angry women are b****es and angry men are a**holes. I teeter on which side I lean towards. I dislike both of them but sometimes the b's seem harsher. I don't know why that is. Perhaps it's simply because I'm a man and I don't have the internal perspective. When men are a's, I can identify with them better. Still, I don't think it's all the man's doing. It often seems to me that women can be much harsher to women than any man could be.
Jun '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
DocJay: And why does Barry have a second floor sports television office with Marlboro's aplenty and a Meesh keep out sign.
Fact is, people all behave differently when they lose their cool and the word hysteria comes to mind about females while complete jerk comes to mind for males. Nonetheless,one is usually disempowered by their anger rather than empowered and that is what people need to change. I used to be violent when upset and given my size it was a fairly scary thing. Time helps and people learn to channel their anger for a positive experience. · 2 minutes ago
Yup.
Aug '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
DocJay
Dave Molinari
Misthiocracy
Hence the popularity of ice fishing. · 1 hour ago
And don't forget the man cave. All are better than the dog house. · 4 minutes ago
My man cave has XBOX, Netflix, Whiskey and Beer. · 5 minutes ago
Not necessarily in that order.
Oct '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Would suggest that such behaviors demonstrate a simple loss of control. It seems to appear when a certain resolution is out of reach at the moment, the inclination is to start pushing buttons. This then becomes a simply detached selfish act without reason and the situation deteriorates.
Was once asked why I never lost my temper. The reply was, I will just go chop some more firewood. A productive outcome all around.
Apr '11
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Well, Helia Ebrahimi found out about Michelle's wrath when she wrote story about Michelle Obama and Sheikha Mozah, the Queen of Qatar, closing off Madison Avenue in New York to buy $50,000 of fancy underwear at Agent Provocateur.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/retailandconsumer/9052641/Agent-Provocateur-gets-its-knickers-in-a-twist.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/retailandconsumer/9048122/Agent-Provocateur-sales-boosted-by-US-First-Lady-Michelle-Obama.html
Edited on Jan 31 at 12:59pmMay '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Anger and rage are not the same. Rage exhibits a loss of control (often a voluntary release of control). Expressed anger, on the other hand, is often admirable. Anger is an emotional response to injustice. Most voters would like to see Republicans exhibit justified anger once a while.
As for displays of anger and the sexes, there is a saying about male bosses versus women bosses. Like most stereotypes, I'm sure it has some basis in truth. I'm not sure what the truth is, but it probably has as much to do with perceptions as reality. Perceptions matter.
It might be as simple as that. Men better understand any emotion from fellow men than from women.
Agreed. When a man yells at another man, it's a challenge, deserved or not.
Nov '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
Female anger is typically deeply personal, whereas male anger is typically less personal. This is why bitter male rivals so often become friends. (The movie Swingers captured this brilliantly, amusingly, in one particular scene...).
Differently stated, male anger tends to be more political. By political I mean oriented toward public (i.e., common, impersonal) perceptions of honor. The wrath of Achilles is perhaps the example par excellence. Men tend toward both abstraction, whether in the form of solitude or abstract thought, and aggression. As Harvey Mansfield has argued, aggression and abstraction cohere as manly "assertiveness": i.e., the public making of a point and the defense of it as both the truth and as one's own.
The difference between the personal and impersonal was brought home to me some years ago in a comment about male and female sinfulness -- one of the most pithily insightful things I've ever read:
Source.
Dec '10
Re: A Woman's Wrath
There was a very familiar description in the Clinton years that completely destroys the Post's premise here - anyone remember "Angry white men"?
Mar '11
Re: A Woman's Wrath
James Gawron nailed it. When a woman spits the dummy a man is a wuss if he just takes it and a monster if he responds in kind.
Have you noticed that sensory-neural hearing loss (noise induced) effects hearing in the higher frequencies present in women's voices? An example of God's mercy?