A Puff Piece
Something about the comments here about Dennis Blair and the Israeli commando raid on the Gaza flotilla reminded me that I once wanted to be an FBI agent. To the youngish me, this was the career I imagined for myself – an athletic one, filled with tricky situations that required equal amounts of courage and patriotism.
In my late 20s, I spent several hours talking to experienced FBI agents to determine if the reality matched my fantasy. It seemed like it did, so I went to the FBI’s New York City headquarters in lower Manhattan, had a brief interview with an administrator there, and then filled out a small mountain of paperwork.
A few weeks later I got a call from an FBI agent. He had reviewed my application, and I seemed like a good candidate. He asked me a few questions, which I answered honestly. Then he got down to business.
“It says here you never tried drugs of any sort, not even marijuana.”
“That’s true,” I responded.
“Never? Not even one time?”
“Not even one time,” I said.
“Um, you know that we call people at your high school and college and ask them about you, right?”
“Yup.” I started to get a little frightened. The man obviously thought I was lying.
“And, so, they are going to confirm that you never tried drugs?”
That’s when I remembered something from college that I had buried deep in the recesses of the brain. Right next to the memory of wearing duck boots and shorts every day for a year. In my senior year of college, at a party with a few friends from my painting class (it’s always the artists, isn’t it?), I noticed people passing around a can of Coke and drinking from it in an unusual way. What were they doing? Holding their breath? Why?
I swear to you that I had no idea what was going on.
Suddenly, the Coke can was passed to me, and I caught a whiff of what was happening. It was 3 a.m. and I was tired and maybe a tad tipsy. I tried to fake it. I lifted the can to my face as I had seen the others do, touched it to my lips, handed it to the next person, stood up, and immediately left the party.
Now, what I just described is the God’s honest truth. It happened exactly that way. I held it, I pretended to do it, but I didn’t do it. However, in that moment on the phone with the FBI interviewer, I couldn’t think of a believable way to explain this. This was around 1996. The “But-I-Didn’t-Inhale” defense would have gotten me nowhere. As it dawned on me that a future as an FBI agent was probably doomed, I started to cry (yes, really) and hung up the phone. I was pretty disappointed in myself, but I realize now it was for the best. The FBI needs good, decent, and honorable people, but they also need people who know a bong when they see one.
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May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Ursula: About fifteen years ago, I decided to go for a suburban firefighter job. I scored the best in the smarts test (wasn't very hard), near the top in the fitness test, and was candidate #1 going into the.......polygraph test. Worst experience of my life. I made the mistake of asking a firefighter friend what I'd be asked, so I spent two weeks rehashing every silly "coke can" incident from my past, no matter how trivial. If I hadn't "prepared" for the test, in fact, I wouldn't even have remembered any of these incidents, so insignificant were they. I was (still am) one of those goody-goody types--certainly compared to my firefighter friends--but this ex-FBI guy who administered the test harrassed me so much that I ended up pulling off the various wires and walking out. Still gives me an adrenaline rush of anger to this day. Looking back, I think maybe the morally conscious actually are at a disadvantage in such circumstances. There's another lesson too: sing like a bird, and you'll probably be fine.
Re: A Puff Piece
Ursula, oddly enough, I was grilled pretty thoroughly by a military officer during the recruitment process back in 1983. I too had never tried anything stronger than alcohol, and the guy almost came unhinged trying to make me confess to drug usage that never occurred in my case. I was pretty normal, for a guy with somewhat long hair, beard, and skull ring. He finally relented and I signed up, but his incredulous response really took me aback.
Re: A Puff Piece
I know there's something unseemly and self-promoting about replying to so many comments with words to the effect of, "Oh, yes, I wrote an article about that!" or "Oh, yes, I wrote a book about that!" But topics about which I've written articles (and books) do keep coming up. (I guess that just shows the choice of Ricochet contributors was non-random.) Anyway, you guys know I wrote a novel about the CIA, right? It begins with this scene:
Re: A Puff Piece
I would have just said, "Arrest me now."
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
My husband told me once that one of the questions on the screener for becoming a Marine aviator was "Have you ever killed an animal...if so, how many?". He said the right answer was "a few". If you haven't killed any then you may not pull the trigger when you need to. If you killed a bunch then they don't want you near the trigger.
It never occurred to me that my inexperience and naivete with drugs may put me at a disadvantage when my children are teenagers and I'm clueless. But, I have a plan...I'm going to keep a teenage informant on retainer.
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Claire Berlinski: I know there's something unseemly and self-promoting about replying to so many comments with words to the effect of, "Oh, yes, I wrote an article about that!" or "Oh, yes, I wrote a book about that!" But topics about which I've written articles (and books) do keep coming up. (I guess that just shows the choice of Ricochet contributors was non-random.) Anyway, you guys know I wrote a novel about the CIA, right? It begins with this scene:
Jun 2 at 8:37pm
That reminds me, is the sequel any good? I gave the first one to my daughter after I had finished it.
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Claire, is there anything you don't do?
I remember taking a polygraph exam 2 times, once for a part time college job at a police department. The second time was for a full-time job at that same police department.
I learned in between the two exams (3 years) that honesty was the best policy no matter what. So, when I took the 2nd exam, during the pre-test interview with the examiner, I told her about the time I had smuggled 2 Palestinians across the U.S. border between CA and Mexico and lied to the border agent when he asked if all of the passengers in my car were U.S. born. Thinking I wouldn't have a prayer at getting the civilian police department job, I was taken aback when she actually got all involved in the story and asked for more details. I passed the exam because I was so truthful.
Oh, and I, too, had never done illegal drugs before. But that just passed by my polygrapher. She was more caught up in my smuggling story.
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Okay, let me clarify that the border incident was 20 years ago. The two Palestinians were friends of mine I had gotten to know while in Israel doing archeology. They were in California visiting my girlfriend and me. One of the brothers forgot his U.S. green card (left it in Washington state). The doofus neglected to notify me and my girlfriend of that detail when we took him over the border to TJ to see the sites and try a Mexican taco. But, no, that doesn't excuse me breaking the law.
Re: A Puff Piece
Andrea, working as an ER doc made me something of a human breathalyzer. I would confidently suggest that my children don't stand a chance of slipping past me, but they might read this comment and view it as a challenge. So I withdraw the suggestion.
Scott and Felicia, I have a one-word solution for your polygraph troubles: metoprolol. Seriously, I have real problems with the polygraph, which is not a "lie detector" in any sense of the word. In reality, the exercise is a psych-out experience with the box serving as a prop. Whatever it is, it isn't science. So one approach is to take the beta blocker, relax and say whatever comes to mind.
Re: A Puff Piece
Felicia, it's a novel, not an autobiography, although many people get confused about that. Duane, the sequel, Lion Eyes, was inspired by the way so many people seem to confuse me with the heroine of Loose Lips (who worked for the CIA), just like Felicia did. You're asking me whether it's any good? What am I going to say? "No, frankly, it's a snoozer, don't buy it?"
Re: A Puff Piece
Claire, I'd suggest a different quote for the dust jacket. I further recommend that Peter consider this for Ricochet Line of the Week.
Edited on Jun 3, 2010 at 10:33pmMay '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Yep! Line of the week! :D :D :D And now I have two more books to add to my reading list this Summer. Seriously, folks, it's hard to keep up!
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Claire, I grew up in Latin America because my parents were missionaries there during some interesting times in the 70's and 80's. We were constantly suspected of working for the CIA. So, the joke among us missionary folk was that we really were CIA - Christians In Action. For some reason, when I explained the joke to the nationals, they never saw the humor...
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
I'll echo what George said and also add that if you get nervous speaking in front of large groups, a beta blocker helps quite a lot. I have been taking atenolol since I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and it almost completely cured me of the bad case of nerves I would get before I sang in front of an audience with my choir.
I have no idea if taking beta blockers are bad for you otherwise (is there a doctor in the house?) but as a cure for nerves, they work very well.
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
George Savage:
I have real problems with the polygraph, which is not a "lie detector" in any sense of the word. ...So one approach is to take the beta blocker, relax and say whatever comes to mind. · Jun 3 at 10:08pm
Just don't take Versed!! :-)
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Jimmie Bise Jr: I'll echo what George said and also add that if you get nervous speaking in front of large groups, a beta blocker helps quite a lot. I have been taking atenolol since I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and it almost completely cured me of the bad case of nerves I would get before I sang in front of an audience with my choir.
I have no idea if taking beta blockers are bad for you otherwise (is there a doctor in the house?) but as a cure for nerves, they work very well. · Jun 4 at 2:11pm
Jimmie, I took propranolol during both pregnancies to prevent some very funky migraine symptoms. They're very safe. There are some cardiologists who say, tongue-in-cheek, they should put beta blockers in the drinking water...minimal side effects and would help an entire population live longer.
May '10
Re: A Puff Piece
Claire Berlinski: Felicia, it's a novel, not an autobiography, although many people get confused about that. Duane, the sequel, Lion Eyes, was inspired by the way so many people seem to confuse me with the heroine of Loose Lips (who worked for the CIA), just like Felicia did. You're asking me whether it's any good? What am I going to say? "No, frankly, it's a snoozer, don't buy it?" · Jun 3 at 10:15pm
You mean it's NOT you? Heartbreaking- and just when I was going to ask you who was the inspiration for Stan....
My favorite part of Loose Lips, though, was the description in the acknowledgements where you wound up on David's doorstep at loose end- and he pulled you in, set you up in a room for a year to write, and never complained. An old guy with smart daughters can identify with that. It's what parents do.