A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
And you thought Washington D.C.'s biggest export was 10th Amendment violations. The Washington Examiner confirms that Pat McDonough, Republican Delegate from Baltimore, Maryland is unveiling the Rat Trafficking Act, in response to D.C.'s Wildlife Protection Act, wherein animal control agencies are required to employ humane methods of dealing with the rodents. The act prohibits glue or snare traps, requires that injured animals be taken to rehabilitation centers, requires pest control officers to attempt to reunite mothers with their young and to keep family units intact when trapping, and lastly calls for the relocation of animals in certain prescribed circumstances. The bit about relocation, however, has neighbors' fur in a knot.
"This insane law obviously places Maryland and Virginia at risk for an invasion of out-of-state rodents," says McDonough, adding, "We must protect our borders." The reactions have been fast and furious, so to speak.
On the campaign trail, front runner Newt Gingrich said, "Big problems require big solutions, and I'm frankly appalled that I'm the only one who thinks these rats should be put to work cleaning up America's roadsides and parks. I think it's interesting that I'm standing on the very ground where, in 1861, Stonewall Jackson defeated Robert E. Lee in chinese checkers. Now, you may not give a rat's patootie about that historical reference, but the fact is that Washington DC is overflowing rat's patooties, and I'm the only candidate with out of the box solutions.
Presidential contender Mitt Romney was characteristically blunt. "As governor, I dealt with more than my fair share of rats. Now, Speaker Gingrich wants to put undocumented rats to work, but that just kicks the patootie down the road. We've got to establish an R-Verify program that distinguishes instate from out of state rats. If you look at my 59-point plan for economic recovery, you will see that I haven't mentioned the rat issue. But after I'm nominated, I will formulate a powerpoint presentation that will ensure the deportation/integration of the rodents/undocumented furry things into/out of the surrounding areas. And that's the kind of leadership America will get from a Romney Administration!"
Iowa winner and Presidential firebrand Rick Santorum registered his concerns, asking, "Will Governor Romney allow convicted illegal rats to vote? I think this is a pressing question, which I will ask and the Governor will dodge. I'm the only candidate in this race who has consistently supported the heterosexual union of rats, in a traditional family unit that honors our commitment to the sanctity of Mickey and Minnie, without whom Orlando would just be another backwater town in south Florida. Can I get another question?"
The ever-delightful Ron Paul weighed in, saying, "It's no concern of the federal government, under our Constitution, what DC does with its rats or what they do with each other! But the plain fact is that the states and localities would have infinitely more money to address the rat problem if we weren't pouring all our money down these rat holes of wars of occupation, aberration, subjugation, and acclamation. Oh yes, and end the Fed!"
Safely ensconced in the Governor's Mansion down in Austin, TX, Governor Perry offered free relocation for the rats and in-state tuition.
From a golf course, President Obama said, "Let me clear. It's just not fair that a bunch of fat cats are feeding off these rats that are simply doing the work Americans won't do. That's not what America is about. In this country, we look after, 'the least of these,' which is why today I'm declaring the Senate in recess long enough to make a new cabinet-level Department of Rats with Speedy Gonzales as its first Secretary."
For her part, The First Lady offered his and hers jet service for the rats to a vacation spot of their choosing, and announced that she is yet again proud of her country.
Not to be outdone, various reincarnations of the group ACORN, are launching a massive voter registration effort aimed at America's newest and fastest growing voting bloc. The Black Panthers, meanwhile, are taking a "paws off" stance.
Lastly, the entire judicial branch has declared the entire rat issue off limits to court rulings, claiming both a conflict of interest and fraternal respect.
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Sep '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Kelsey Grammer was unavailable for comment about the rumored return of his animated series.
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Pseudodionysius
Kelsey Grammer was unavailable for comment about the rumored return of his animated series. · 2 minutes ago
Ha!
Mar '11
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
I have a simple solution. Give each of the rats a tiny silk suit, maybe a pinky ring, and release them at the Cook County Courthouse in Chicago.
They'll be amongst their own kind.
Apr '11
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
I have long known that we had a vermin problem in DC. I was surprised to hear that the four legged members of genus Rattus were becoming a problem again.
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Percival: I have a simple solution. Give each of the rats a tiny silk suit, maybe a pinky ring, and release them at the Cook County Courthouse in Chicago.
They'll be amongst their own kind. · 5 minutes ago
You mean they have a shortage of rats there? Who would have thunk it!
Jul '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
This post is super genius.
Also, when I first heard about DC's rat problem, I thought, "Well, yeah, it's an election year." Turns out they meant actual rats. I mean, real actual rats. I mean -
You know what? Never mind.
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Wylee Coyote: This post is super genius.
Also, when I first heard about DC's rat problem, I thought, "Well, yeah, it's an election year." Turns out they meant actual rats. I mean, real actual rats. I mean -
You know what? Never mind. · 7 minutes ago
I know! That was my first thought as well. The more I think on it, though, the more I suspect it's a difference of degree.....
Oct '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Rat Racist ! Oh, there is another word for those bigots against another species. Species Preference Quotas and Gerrymandering to come.
Apr '11
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
My sister lives in D.C. with a 25'x25' backyard. She live-trapped some chipmunks that were devastating her tomatoes. She didn't want to release them locally, lest they find their way back or a readjustment of territories bring in new predators, so she released them several miles into Maryland.
She lives in terror of the knock on the door from the Nanny Fascists. Given their heartless viciousness toward the innocent unborn, think how they would treat someone who inconvenienced some chipmunks.
Edited on Jan 21 at 2:22pmJul '11
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Gee my kids shoot their pellet rifles in back. Squirrels, rabbits, mice and democrats are all fair game. Last I checked, rodents are nasty disease vectors. I cannot imagine my youth without learning how to rapidly and efficiently kill vermin, truly a great hobby when you are 10. This law is more about denying a rite of passage for our kids.
Aug '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
RAT ON !
Sep '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Lest we forget Aardvark Ratnik
May '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
All snakes in Australia (the top ten most deadly are all Aussie) are protected species and you are not permitted to kill them. You have to find and pay a reptile specialist to live capture and release them safely elsewhere. In the interrim, better hope fido is not killed when the snake comes over to drink from the dog's water bowl.
Of course if your father happens to be using hedge clippers in an urban garden,and comes across two small brown snakes (number 4 in terms of deadliness) he may use the shears to shorten their lives.
Don't get me started on the possum fights during long summer nights on my bedroom wall. Or the locals who love the fruit bats (carrying deadly lissa virus) that have ruined our Botanical gardens with their overbreeding and guano.
Edited on Jan 22 at 5:56pmJul '11
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Yeo, we can talk silliness and talk animals but never ever get in to a critter contest with an Australian. Even the moths have 1 inch curved fangs and a potent neurotoxin.
Jun '10
Re: A Politician's Guide to the DC Rat Problem
Do you think if we neutered are senators and representatives (and weird relatives) we'd have fewer rats?