A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Maybe I've been reading too much Camille Paglia, but I have a new vision of feminism for young women inspired by ancient Greece. My feminism--Lysistrata Feminism--is meant to reboot dating and end the hook-up culture (as I explain further in the excerpt below and also at the Atlantic):
Is it possible to move beyond the hook-up culture? Not back to 1950s-style courtship, parietal rules, and early marriage—but forward, to sex founded on friendship, dating, and relationships?
Most of the women I spoke to have resigned themselves to the fact that the hook-up culture is here to stay. They don't see the social and cultural landscape of college campuses changing anytime soon.
One friend tells me that the girls on campus would prefer a culture of dating to one of hooking up, but they would never admit it or ask for it. If girls demanded dating before hooking up, guys would be unmoved, she explained. "There are always going to be other girls for them to hook up with so we'll just get left behind."
These women are looking at the problem the wrong way, I think. They need to realize that, in spite of campus sex ratios and prevailing cultural trends, they hold the power when it comes to the hook up culture. They hold the power when it comes to sex.
This was the insight of Lysistrata, the shrewd heroine of Aristophanes' marvelous play by the same name. Lysistrata was able to diagnose a problem in her society and to take actions and overcome obstacles to solve it.
In the heat of the Peloponnesian War, Lysistrata gathered the women of various Greek city-states at a meeting and proposed that they withhold sex from their husbands until these men end the war. The women, though reluctant at first, agree. Throughout the play, though they desire sex just like the men do, they resist the temptation to break their oath with Lysistrata. The Athenian and Spartan men eventually become so desperate for sex that they begin peace talks. The women's strategy works.
Lysistrata, a tough and independent woman, understood how the sexual marketplace works, and harnessed that knowledge to get what she wanted. Many men want sex with women. As Lysistrata knew, women have the power to say yes—or no (assuming men respect their wishes, of course. There are far too many examples of times men disregard women's "no"s). They set and execute the terms to which the men surrender.
Today's American women have reached a stage where they can be sexually free, and also selective and strategic in how they deploy their sexuality. But many of them are missing this critical second piece.
If women refused to spend time with men who disrespect women, if they refused to hook up with guys who don't acknowledge them the next day—then they could begin to resurrect a culture where dating and romance, not casual sex, are the norm.
The question is, will they?
Rather than let the left define the feminism debate--and take advantage of the manipulative "war on women" trope--I say we start our own movement, grounded in the innate sexual power that all women have! What do you think? Who's with me?
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Comments:
Apr '12
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
My two sons!My #1 son is at university and complains to me girls do not want to chat about marriage and having children. He likes to make comments about when he has children, and they are surprised. He is creating his own dating process. Girls do not even dance anymore, it is grinding. (That he says he does not complain about.) So you are right, he would do the rules if the girls set them, and welcome the rules. It is too fast for him.He would not marry a girl who kissed him first or did the grind, or so he says...
Feb '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Emily, I'd like to have your thoughts on this female student op-ed, which appeared in my old college newspaper. The author defends hookups, but not the hookup culture, and claims that criticisms of hooking up assumes there exists an objective "romantic orientation" to which young people should conform. But, she goes on, there being no such standard, everyone ought to be free to choose which lifestyle best meets his or her own sexual and romantic needs.
Edited on November 13, 2012 at 2:10pmDec '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Emily, I am with you. I am not going to get on my soapbox, but I assure you, I was there at the revolution and I believe it was the beginning of the end for Western Civ and freedom. It will be the first step in reversing our current trend. Godspeed.
Apr '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Emily, I love you, and you're wrong.
Your "feminism" is just a pretty face on the grotesque sexuality of Atlas Shrugged. You are better -- much better -- than this.
Love God and love your neighbor -- we can't treat each other and ourselves like pieces of meat for trading at the temple gates and expect to maintain our humanity.
Why would you accept the premises of your intellectual enemies? You invite them to enslave you. They will happily chain you to themselves in their misperceived misery.
The human body is not fodder for transactions. It is a gift from God, to be treasured, shared sacramentally when shared at all, and offered back to God, like all other of His gifts.
This is as true for all people. It's not negotiable.
Do we fall short of this? Often. Should we lower the bar? No. The moment we concede the standard, the battle is lost. I live on the front lines of this battle, with my hormone-charged secondary students staring back at me hoping every moment for some clear guidance for life and not realizing I'm trying to live it out in front of them.
You're not helping.
Mar '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
If Camille Paglia wants romance and dating to make a return, she should stop using phrases like "sexual marketplace" and "deploy their sexuality". A sexual marketplace is a brothel. Someone who deploys their sexuality in the sexual marketplace is a prostitute. Also, what could utilizing one's "innate sexual powers" mean besides manipulating men? Perhaps, as is always possible, I am missing something.
Sep '12
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
The hook up culture is predicated on women acting like men. Women don't generally like sex without love, but they've let themselves be fooled into believing that if they don't put out they will be ignored by all men. This is ridiculous. Most men worth having will respect a woman with moral standards; that's the woman he wants to marry. Women have always had a civilizing effect on men, but if they are acting like men society suffers, i.e. - low marriage rates and high out of wedlock birth rates. Women need to raise the bar for men. They may be surprised how many men are willing to live up to the standard.
Dec '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
If my wife starts using sex as a coercive weapon she will find herself on the front porch holding an appointment slip for a moving truck.
That said, the reason women are in the hook up culture is because they are in a cycle they cant get off. Their conception of men is broken, their expectations of the average male is WAY off (they think 80% of men below average in looks and status), so they are competing for a shrinking slice of men that they have defined as the normal (plus women want a higher status male than themselves). They shrank their own marketplace and the competition is ruthless. Then we have the 50%+ of marriages that fail, and of the remaining 50% the people that are unhappy especially women, who settled after their sexual value went down.
Until women's expectations on men meet reality, the hook up culture is hear to stay because in a ruthless cut throat market place for a shrinking (structural and perceived) pool of high status males, the honey pot is what they got.
You are assuming that women want the men they have available, and will dance to this tune.
Jun '12
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Echoing Mike P above, Emily, I salute your goal of crushing the decadence of the hook up culture, but I think women would be better served by pursuing this model:
May '10
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
I'd also like to add that we should encourage, not discourage, early marriage, which I assume refers to marrying in your early 20's. I wish I had married earlier and started a family earlier. I married at 27 and had my first child at 29, which is not old, but I have so many single, childless girlfriends now in their mid-30's who desperately want a family, but are in a dating wasteland with a ticking biological clock. They put off marriage to pursue a career and casually dated instead. Now they are unhappy Obama voters. Date for marriage. The decent, mature men are looking for a wife when dating.
May '10
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Like CJS, I salute your effort to bring some improvement to the disaster of the hookup culture. But put me down with those who want to restore the link between sex and love and life. Like Tully, I dislike the power and markets imagery.
Jul '12
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Thank you Karen.
Here is a good book I highly recommend on the subject.
It is entitled "Lies Women Believe: and the Truth That Sets Them Free".
Oct '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
I can't understand how any self respecting woman willingly participates in the hookup culture. In my mind it's not a matter of setting the terms, but realizing that it is in their best interest to insist on being treated as if they have more to offer than a one night stand. If this behavior is really the norm, then I must conclude that the public school's are doing a terrible job at imparting self esteem. Or maybe this is the anticipated result.
Jun '12
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Hear, hear. I said the same thing back in the summer.
Jan '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Miss Manners offers this:
"Welcome to the world of propriety. We have more fun here than you may have been led to believe, just as the world of promiscuity, as you have discovered, offers less fun than you may have been led to believe. Like fast food, it tends to be of poor quality and may leave you with worse problems than the hunger it was intended to quell."
Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, WW Norton & Company, 2005. page 335
There's more to it and I think the entire book is a gem.
Edited on November 13, 2012 at 3:15pmMay '10
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
There's a passage in Edith Wharton that I love, having to do with the way, in a highly refined culture, even very small gestures convey immense meaning.
Now we're dealing with the reverse. The most extreme bodily gestures are empty and meaningless.
It's very sad.
Jun '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Ack, how did we get to where sex founded on "dating and friendship" is a big improvement, and sex founded on marriage too idealized to imagine.......our poor younger generation......
Edited on November 13, 2012 at 6:10pmNov '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
This is interesting.
To put this in market terms, women should demand a higher price in exchange for the product they're offering.
This is true.
There's a charity in Central America that provides books to school children by renting them. They don't give them away, there is a cost involved. This is based on the fact that if you give something away, the people receiving will put no value on it.
The hookup culture consists of women giving something of value away for free, so the men who receive it put no value on it.
The way to change that is to increase the cost of the item, not only will men be forced to pay the cost to get the product, but they'll also value the product more.
Not to be sexist, but it seems like a lot of young women do not understand this. As the old expression goes: Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Nov '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Mike Poliquin:
Your "feminism" is just a pretty face on the grotesque sexuality of Atlas Shrugged. You are better -- much better -- than this.
If you understand Objectivist theories on sex, then its less grotesque. (Unless you consider that its an atheistic theory to be grotesque. That I can't help you with.)
The Objectivist notion is you love someone because of their value and values, so much so that they becomes the supreme value to you, and sex is that expression of that.
Jan '11
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
Fred Cole: This is interesting.
To put this in market terms, women should demand a higher price in exchange for the product they're offering.
This is true.
The hookup culture consists of women giving something of value away for free, so the men who receive it put no value on it.
As the old expression goes: . . .
. . ."Why buy a cow when milk is free."
Aug '12
Re: A Plan to Reboot Dating & End the Hook-Up Culture (And Revolutionize Feminism While We're At It)
I'm still trying to figure out how it's an improvement on hooking up. Or rather, I get how it's supposed to be an improvement, I just seriously doubt that there's much difference between "milk for free" and "milk you have to get from the cow personally" relative to "buy the cow."