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Introducing the Oppression Index!
We’ve all argued with liberals, especially online. The issue could be health care, tax rates or city zoning rules, but they’ll quickly turn their policy disagreement into personal attacks.
Conservative: “I think hiking the minimum wage will reduce jobs.”
Progressive: “You would say that, RICH RETHUGLICAN!”
Conservative: “Actually, I’m lower middle class, so…”
Progressive: “Are you denying your WHITE privilege?”
Conservative: “Well, I’m Asian, and…”
Progressive: “I’m glad the PATRIARCHY protects your precious job!”
Conservative: “Wrong again. I’m a woman.”
Progressive: “Probably sitting at home baking cookies for your husband!”
Conservative: “I’m a lesbian. By the way, who are you?”
Progressive: “Stop voting against your own self-interest by electing old white men like me!”
The argument gets trickier when progressives argue with each other. Since they aren’t used to debating the substance of issues, they revert to form. The goal is always to find who is more of a victim:
Prog 1: “We need to raise the minimum wage to $15!”
Prog 2: “No way, oppressor! $25 an hour!”
Prog 1: “Oh, you think a black man like me should just keep my mouth shut?!”
Prog 2: “Shut up, homophobe! My lesbian sisters need ‘$25 to Stay Alive!’ Want a bumper sticker?”
Prog 1: “As a Bisexual of Color, I only use mass transit, planet raper!”
Prog 2: “Oh yeah, well my last name is Gomez and I was raised by a single mom!”
Prog 1: “My mom died of breast cancer when I was 12!”
Prog 2: “How dare you speak that way to a proud working-class Latina lesbian with transient fibromyalgia!”
The key isn’t to discover the best solution, but to prove one’s superior moral authority. A progressive can only be the winner if he proves he’s the biggest loser.
I’ve decided to help my liberal friends save time with an easy quiz. By printing and filling out the form below, they can quickly determine who is more victimized and therefore the victor in any given argument:
Hysterical.
Nailed it.
I was afraid my disability was going to keep me from green, fortunately my straight, white, maleness kept me at 11.
I hope you’re pitching this as a reality show; contestants fill out the questionnaire prior to being placed in a house full of nincompoop progressives for a week, where they are given obstacles to overcome: bathroom protocol, meat or vegan meals, etc. Halfway through the season, we find out who “really” won, based on the most pathetic, and therefore the most morally authoritative profile. Then for the second half of the season, that one person is made Dictator and rules over the rest.
Drew a mentally & vertically challenged ginger card on last round. When combined with the free sex change card I just edged out the uni-legged Navajo lesbian who blew a chance to mix race in the option round. It actually pays to go full-retard in the bonus round but not before.
Like!
However, I think there should be sections measuring carbon footprint, drug use, obesity, and union membership.
Also, one’s answer for #8 should change how #5 is scored. Progressive one-percenters are more aggrieved than conservative middle-classers.
(I’m an 8, unless being half-Liverpudlian counts as “mixed-race”.)
Crap a 5 because I am not a 1%!
Anyone want to help be get there with a small donation?
Noting that I’m a Mixed Race Hispanic (voting more than once being my right in some leftist circles, I checked both boxes) with a chronic condition and having survived numerous life threatening illnesses over the course of my life, I only rated a 41. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep the Brown man down.
In the words of Monty Python: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
You sank My oppression!
http://youtu.be/fxGqcCeV3qk
17. Ooops.
This is lovely.
Interestingly, there has recently been a news story about an episode of political incorrectness at my college. There are several online fora where alumnae can interact, including (apparently) a Facebook page, and this episode came up for discussion. I gather that some of my most liberal Facebook alumnae friends have been shouted down by people whose multiple-minority status gives them higher victim points. And my friends are shocked–shocked!–to find out that there are people who actually seem to “like being victims.”
The problem with the Left is that it’s hard to satirize them. No matter how extreme the satire, real life liberalism outdoes it.
Have You not been watching….. AMERICA!
How can I tell which gender I am?
And, why only 3 options?
Would all the different options that are already covered by “other” have different point values? How would they be ranked?
Surely anything associated with an asterisk or other punctuation marks ought to count for more points. After all, they are so oppressed, society hasn’t even come up with a name for them yet, but forces them to rely on symbols.
PS: BTW, there’s already a site for this: http://www.checkmyprivilege.com/
It’s like vicious gang warfare on a Nerf playing field.
Man, did that ever crack Me up. It’s not often that happens, so Thank You.
15 for class and health. Hey! Where’s the vertically challenged category! Oppressors! And visually impaired/ spectrally differently abled?
We clearly need a national conversation on the very substantive issues of #1, #2, #3, #4, #6, and #7 (but not #5, proles are disgusting). Oh, and no Asians or Jews in the sessions on #2, #3, and #4. Keep those blacks out of #4, too, and make sure the Islamists are kept far away from the talks on #1 and #6.
I curiously googled “oppression index”, to see if the post had gone viral. I found this instead:
“Christian, I guess”. Perfect.
Proud to be solidly in the oppressor camp!
It does.
Thanks. This thread alone has justified my annual Coolidge subscription.
Fortunately, I salvaged a few points from “income level”. You obviously can’t buy that kind of credibility.
I had the same failure.
They could call it “Queen For A Day,” except that would be insensitive to gay men.
There should be a question about being from Barcelona.
What about the public school teacher multiplier? They’re seriously oppressed, just ask them.
Well count me as a proud oppressor, as I will not beg forgiveness. I was uncertain whether to grant myself 5 points for being middle class in the USA or consider myself part of the global 1% (as I’d imagine nearly anyone in the USA would be).
*Rethinking this, I’m certain I received a zero. No self respecting progressive would consider himself / herself / itself as anything other than a citizen of the world.
Solidly dark green. Where do I send my apology letter?