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Eddie Haskell 101
The seemingly senseless death of Mike Brown in Ferguson, Mo. and the riots that ensued have sparked endless debates. Are innocent black teenagers being systematically gunned down by racist white cops?
So far, we know nothing about the facts in Ferguson. Were Mr. Brown’s hands up in a surrounding position when he was gunned down? Did he “bull rush” the officer? Was he running away and gunned down from behind? Did he break the officer’s orbital lobe or bruise the officer’s face in some way? Did the gun go off inside the car? We, the people, are in no-man’s land.
Either some of these things happened or they didn’t.
What we do know is that a black teenager is dead at the hands of a white man, and there was rioting in the streets. Though FBI statistics show that there is a miniscule amount of shootings in comparison to the amount of arrests made each day by police nationwide, this raises several questions. Are a disproportionate amount of the victims black? Is this tragedy a random event or part of a pattern across the country? Are black teenagers automatically prejudged as “guilty” by white cops?
We don’t yet have the answers to these questions and we may never get them. What we do know is that all teenagers today (regardless of skin color) had better start watching the black-and-white reruns of the iconic ’50s television show, “Leave it To Beaver.”
The most interesting character in that series was the infamous, Edward Clark Haskell Jr., a.k.a. Eddie Haskell.
Eddie can be summed up in eight words: “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing, Mrs. Cleaver.”
Eddie was the sycophant’s sycophant. He buttered up adults with his unctuous patter, all the while scheming to commit mayhem and destruction and making sure that his best friends, or the younger kids got blamed for it.
Those of us of a certain age paid close attention to Eddie’s modus operandi. And our fathers all told us “if you are ever confronted by authority, be it the principal of your school, the football coach who can command you to run wind sprints, and especially a cop, the first thing you do is don your Eddie Haskell persona.” “My, officer. What a lovely dress you are wearing,” or something to that effect.
We had a similar shooting out here in Oakland a few years back. A late night video caught an officer shooting Oscar Grant in the back with his pistol while Grant was face down on the ground.
(A jury decided that Grant’s death was a tragic accident; that the officer had meant to pull out his taser, but grabbed his revolver instead).
We don’t know the facts in the Mike Brown case, but know some in the Oscar Grant case. Few fair-minded people would contend that the Oakland officer intended to murder Mr. Grant in front of dozens of witnesses. What occurred was a terrible confluence of events. Events that didn’t have to happen then and there, but under the circumstances were destined to play out sometime, somewhere. Racism did not cause Mr. Grant’s death whether the cop was racist or not. Probably he wasn’t racist, but some cops are. And it’s best to avoid them late at night when tensions are running high and nerves are raw. Guns, drugs, and late-night judgment calls make toxic cocktails which are destined to explode at some point.
No one can control the hand of fate, but at least one can minimize the odds of bad things happening.
Walking slowly around an oval track carries little risk of life threatening injuries. Climbing Everest carries more risk. Anytime we engage in any activity, whatsoever, there are “odds” that something bad, dangerous, or fatal will happen.
There are odds that something serendipitous will occur as well.
It’s a constant horse race. What are the odds that a drunk driver will run a stoplight and sideswipe me? They are one thing at 9 a.m. when I’m on my way to work and quite another at 2:30 a.m. when a driver may be coming home from a bar.
Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we are constantly involved in risk assessment. And this is where a certain type of politically correct thinking can cause emotional or bodily injury — even death.
Jaywalking in broad daylight (as Mr. Brown did) after one has purloined cigars from a convenience store is not a good idea. One is apt to draw attention to himself — especially from police who may have been alerted to the theft. (According to the record, the officer involved did not know of the theft but Mr. Brown didn’t know that).
Doing anything but “yes-sirring” and “no-sirring” an officer of the law is destined to end badly. We were all taught that as kids. It’s simply human nature. If only Mr. Brown had been taught Eddie Haskell 101.
The tragedy of Mr. Grant was summed up succinctly by the advice my grandmother dished out every Saturday night: “Nothing good happens after midnight.” It was a potent folk remedy that said the tonic for unwanted risks was to be home early. Carriages turn into pumpkins the later the night goes on.
There are those parents today who think that folk wisdom is not true. They think their children are different. They don’t believe in “human nature.” They “trust” their kids.
Folk wisdom held that a woman should never go on a buggy ride alone with a man. Folks once knew that given the opportunity, stronger animals hurt weaker ones. Our grandparents knew it was best to avoid such situations. Many college kids today (taking cues from their parents) think a girl can take a toothbrush and overnight bag to a man’s apartment and that he will act “like as gentleman” all night long. They think of it as being liberated.
It’s stupid.
Shall we discuss coed dorms and coed restrooms? Given an opportunity, (odds are) men will always be men (okay, pigs). It may not be “right”, but it is human nature and no “Sex in the City” philosophy will ever change it.
Being the father of two daughters I will never accept the concept that “she asked for it.” No one asks to get raped anymore than Oscar Grant or Mike Brown asked to get shot. But one’s behavior may increase the odds that bad things will happen.
The world is a dangerous place.
Parents need to teach their kids to play the odds before they make risky decisions. The “it wasn’t my fault defense” doesn’t cut it if the kid puts himself in a position where bad things might happen — even if he’s innocent. He’s guilty of bad judgment.
The odds are that Grandma was right and skin color is not the issue. If one is dealing with another person who has a gun on him, legal or not, the Eddie Haskell gambit is the only play.
People with guns may or may not be racists. They may or may not be stoned or drunk. They may or may not be having a bad hair day. It doesn’t matter! They have the power to hurt you (or others) and your only job is to minimize the chances of that happening.
And the only way to do that is to be fluent in Eddie Haskell 101.
Published in General
An interesting side note on Ken Osmond who played Eddie Haskell
“In 1970, Osmond joined the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) and grew a mustache which helped to secure his anonymity. He worked in vice and narcotics and as a motorcycle officer. On September 20, 1980, Osmond was hit by three bullets while in a foot chase with a suspected car thief. He was protected from two of the bullets by his bulletproof vest, with the third bullet ricocheting off of his belt buckle. Osmond was placed on disability and eventually retired from the force in 1988. The shooting was later dramatized in a November 1992 episode of the CBS series Top Cops.”
I was having this exact conversation with friends the other night. There is a time to demand your rights, and there is a time not to escalate tensions. If a cop is belligerent or edgy, that is not the time to become confrontational and demand your rights. You have the rest of your life to sue if they have violated your rights. You may be in the right, but if you press the matter when things are already heated, you may not live to see it.
Where did you find this picture of Simon T? I thought he was ‘undercover.’
When Rush kept comparing Al Gore to Eddie Haskell, Ken Osmond phoned in and gave the audience ten very funny minutes of mock indignation. “Hey, I was insincere, lying, and no good, but come on! Gore??? Let’s not go to extremes!”
In general, the post has a point. But I have to ask if it applies to us, too. Try it. Tell our own Yosemite Sams that if faced with an abusive officer, say from a Federal agency, they should meekly surrender, lie on the ground without complaint, and affect a (C-of-C noncompliant) grin and say, “Whatever you want, sir. Oh, by the way, the 9mm is right over there”.
It’s good advice and they should follow it too. Would they? Nice and polite, with that grin? Would you tell them that advice? If so, OK; that’s fair.
C’mon. You don’t know how any officer is going to react. “Meekly surrendering”is silly–it’s not about that. It’s about knowing that the cop has the power and that the best course of action is to be aware that he is adding points and taking away points, with every gesture and thing you say. Teach your kids to be respectful and cognizant of the fact that the authority figure holds all the cards. With that knowledge, the best you can do is increase the chances of things going minority in your favor. No guarantees. One is just playing the odds.
P. S. It has worked for me on numerous traffic stops. I immediately apologize and say I was in the wrong and he was correct–that I was just sloppy and deserve whatever is the appropriate punishment. On at least 5 occasions I have Eddie Haskelled my way out of a ticket.
Chris Rock said it best. “How Not to Get Your Ass Kicked by the Police”
Jeffrey Earl Warren, we agree, so I should have been clearer. Since this was originally addressed to situations like Ferguson, the point I wanted to make was, I’ve done the same, and like I said, it’s good advice, but it’s hard to live out in some situations. That’s all.
Agreed. Hard to live out in some situations, but consider the alternatives. Blacks are probably more abused than whites. Teens more than adults. Boys more than girls. This is the state of the world. Given that this is so, why make it worse? why not try to own that cop rather thanThe other way around?
Bear in mind that any cop with time on the street has met many, many Eddie Haskells. It’s not hard to see through it. Politeness, and not obsequiousness, is the way to go.
Of course you are correct–politeness trumps obsequiounsness every time. I just used the Eddi Haskell trope because it is funnier–and still gets the point across–at least I think so.