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Dispatch from the Mirror Universe’s 2016 Election
“Hi, I’m Mirror Trump. But enough about me. I’d like to hear about you.”
Here in our universe, Donald Trump made a fool of himself yesterday, calling for the “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States.” Trump’s spokeswoman confirmed the obvious, literal meaning of his statement, specifically that it would apply to all Muslims, regardless of citizens’ status. Later in the day, Trump attempted to jog this back, but neither acknowledged any difference between his earlier and subsequent comments nor refuted his spokeswoman. It’s the sort of loud-mouthed, thoughtless, cheap machismo that’s typified Trump’s candidacy from the very beginning.
Meanwhile in the Mirror Universe — where Trump is still an immigration skeptic but sports a goatee, has restrained taste in home decor, doesn’t mock physical handicaps, and is daily derided as “an impotent bore” by noted flame-thrower Mirror Mona Charen — the leading Republican candidate made rather different remarks on the same matter. Having acquired Mirror Trump’s remarks through use of a multidimensional ISP, I’m curious as to how well it will be received by the Prime Ricochetti:
My fellow Americans, it’s a deep honor to be considered as a candidate for the presidency of these United States, especially considering how many other worthy candidates there are to choose among. I did not seek this role, but Ivana and I are both touched and humbled by your support. Should I be elected, I pray that I will have the strength and wisdom to meet your expectations.
Today, the United States is in the enviable position of being the preferred destination of most of the world and of having a geography that enables us to have some degree of control over our immigration policy. Essentially, everyone wants to come here and we have the luxury of being able to choose those who meet our standards.
However, as the events of last week show, not all who wish to come here have good intent, and their potential to cause harm is enormous. Overwhelmingly, the people who meet this description come from Muslim countries and are inspired by poisonous interpretations of Islam that call for Jihad against us all. Moreover, even people who are non-violent from these societies often struggle to integrate into Western Civilization in a way other immigrants do not. How should we deal with this?
Permit me a silly but — I think — illustrative analogy. Imagine that a highly prestigious, private university opened in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. Within a few short years, “Northern Alaska College” became one of the most-highly sought after institutes of higher learning, receiving ten times the number of applications from qualified candidates as it had dormitories to accommodate. Talk about good problems to have!
In recent years, however, there have been controversies regarding some students from Hawaii at NAC: specifically, they find it uniquely difficult to adjust to the punishing winters and a few troublemakers keep sabotaging the thermostats, driving up heating bills and making things physically uncomfortable for other students who prefer to not have to change into shorts every time they come in from the cold.
Given these circumstances — the college’s unique culture, its desire to cater effectively to those who chose it for what it was, the specific issue overwhelmingly limited to students from Hawaii (though not constituting all of them), and the abundance of qualified students from elsewhere who are far less likely to have this problem — the school’s administration adopts a controversial policy: it will ignore all applications received from a zip code that begins with “96.”
Undoubtedly, this policy is unfair toward qualified Hawaiian students who don’t mind a little cold. But that doesn’t necessarily make the policy a bad one, or necessarily unfair. There’s no shortage of qualified students from elsewhere to account for, as well as the student already at NAC who are frustrated by having to turn the thermostat down and having their room & board increase as a result. Besides, there’s no shortage of other schools available in the country that would be more than happy to take the handful of Hawaiians who would otherwise be admitted to NAC.
And while the policy is imprecise — as being from Hawaii is hardly a guarantor of not being able to handle the cold, nor is not being from Hawaii a guarantor of winter hardiness — but that’s also not sufficient reason to reject it out of hand. What it lacks in precision it may well make up for in efficiency by virtue of convenience. It’s a heuristic, and heuristics can be useful.
Might such a policy make Hawaiian students feel “unwelcome” at NAC? Given both human nature and the current madness that afflicts our campuses, it’s all but certain. But just because that would be an understandable response does not make it a rational one. The college could — and probably should — address that problem through some simple outreach, emphasizing that those Hawaiians already at NAC are no less full students and members of the campus community.
That is why — should you choose me as your next president — I would instruct the State Department to cease all new immigration from Muslim-majority countries, with individual exceptions being made personally by the Secretary of State, who will report them to me. Moreover, we will divert resources into applying additional scrutiny to those Muslims who are currently in the process of getting their visas or becoming US citizens to the extent due process allows.
Please note that I am referring exclusively to non-citizens: American Muslims are every whit as much my fellow citizen as the next person. Moreover, Muslim American patriots are uniquely qualified to help us combat one of the greatest social challenges of the 21st century: finding a way to reconcile Islam to modernity in the same way Judaism and Christianity did hundreds of years ago.
Thank you, and good night.
Photo Credit: our own EJ Hill.
Published in Humor, Immigration, Islamist Terrorism
Impotent bore.
Tom,
Beam me up, now!
Regards,
Jim
TL;DR
Not to get off topic, but did anyone else find the two mirror universe episodes of Enterprise to be the best (and most tolerable) of the series? For once, Scott Bakula’s crappy acting didn’t overshadow everything (what were they thinking hiring such a bad actor?).
No matter the details of it or in what manner Trump framed his proposal he would be attacked for it and derided as a “insert epitaph of choice here”.
So by being as bombastic as possible he gains all the advantages of once again guaranteeing another news cycle dominated by discussion of Trump and his ideas, while suffering what consequences? Regardless of the merit of his proposal there are few negatives in taking a strong, even radical stance with regards to Islam.
A fool eh? I suppose we will see what the poll numbers eventually reveal, anyone care to wager on what they will show?
Ooohhh, you had me right up until the last paragraph.
What about citizens coming back from Camp Jihad in fill-in-the-blank Muslim country?
And this: “finding a way to reconcile Islam to modernity in the same way Judaism and Christianity did hundreds of years ago.” borders on delusional, and, besides that, isn’t our (or our government’s) job!!
“A” for effort, though.
…that’s exactly what I’m going to do!
This would be a very good speech. It’s reasonableness is what terrifies the left and others who realize that Trump is leading people to start thinking outside the box about this challenge.
Not everyone who is concerned about Islamic extremism agrees with Trump.
At every entry point there should be a portrait of Mohammed, Jesus and Buddha and every person entering the US should have there response monitored and crazy Muslims should be refused entry.
Mark Kirkorian sums it up pretty well
http://www.nationalreview.com/donald-trump-muslim-immigration
“…the reason his careless and sloppy immigration commentary resonates is that no one else in public life is willing to address issues that worry — and, at this point, frighten — people. If “respectable” politicians refuse to even talk about the real problems caused by mass Muslim immigration, then a larger and larger share of the public will turn to carnival barkers unafraid of elite disapproval.”
Trump’s detractors will never draw the obvious conclusion from that.
Not to be all pendantic, but wouldn’t Mirror Trump be, y’know… Poor?
1) Mirror Trump looks better with the goatee.
2) Mirror Trump is approximately 98% more articulate than Regular Trump, and has a vocabulary approximately 123% greater. MT apparently does not need to use “tremendous” as an adjectival crutch.
3) MT’s proposal is way, way closer to something a majority of Americans might support.
The “Reductio Ad Trumpum” movement is gaining steam. Here’s a post I saw on my Facebook feed:
[QUOTE]
Here is a political science test:
What political model relies on:
– Stoking fears that “our country is failing” and our way of life and national identity is at severe risk because we are weak.
– Vilifying one or more minorities as a major cause of our decline.
– Creating a culture of personality around the leader as the only person who can fix everything because he or she is exceptional.
– Setting aside due process, individual rights and the rule of law because they are impediments to recapturing what made us great.
Answer below:
If you said Facism or “Trumpism” you get full credit.
I am very worried about us.
[UNQUOTE]
Trump Tower?
Regards,
Jim
Did you intentionally put Pat Caddell’s goatee on Trump?
BwhahahahaHAH!
The suggestion that Donald Trump’s rhetoric can be described as being at least proto-fascist is not limited to left-wingers and not limited to low information pundits:
e.g. http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/matt-gurney-trump-is-why-fascist-should-never-have-meant-kinda-right-wing
Only 123% greater? Sir, you insult me!
Usual rules apply: detain them briefly if there’s reason to suspect they’re terrorists and arrest them if there’s actual evidence.
I don’t think it’s delusional, though I agree it’ll be very difficult, but I think it’s wholly worth the effort. That’s probably the only way it can end well, over the long term.
I don’t believe I put it that way, and I wouldn’t. Obviously, the only people capable of making that happen are Muslims. However:
Agree, Tom.
I was wondering if it was Jonah Goldberg’s goatee?
The latest polling of The Mirror-Times has Donald Trump at 7%.
That high?
Bryan Cranston. Go big or go home.
Tom wrote:
My fellow Americans, it’s a deep honor to be considered as a candidate for the presidency of these United States, especially considering how many other worthy candidates there are to choose among. I did not seek this role, but Ivana and I are both touched and humbled by your support. Should I be elected, I pray that I will have the strength and wisdom to meet your expectations.
GLDIII repied:
So Tom in the Mirror Universe Trump has not dumped Ivana and married Melania Trump’s current wife?
Damn your Vulcan ears Trump!
Regards,
Jim
So, in Mirror World, might it be that Donald Trump becomes Jon Gabriel, or that Jon Gabriel becomes Real Donald Trump?
I’m confused about this Mirror World stuff…
With all the Star Trek references being thrown around, it’s a shame Denise “T’Pol” McAllister is no longer here at Ricochet.