Ask Uncle Max: Schmuck, Putz, or Schlong?

 

Dear Uncle Max,

An old friend from New York was talking about a time I was cheated, and he said I got “schlonged.” Can you explain what that means? Also, why does Yiddish have so many different words for the same thing — schmuck, putz, schlong? How can I tell which one to use?

–Midwestern Methodist


Dear Midwestern Methodist,

He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about. It reminds me of that putz Macmillan who lived downstairs from us in Flatbush. He was always trying to show he knew Jewish words, and always getting them wrong. Once he told me his shiksas were in a knot because he was farblunget. Actually, you know what? Maybe he wasn’t so wrong.

Anyway, let’s start at the start. It’s not like English, where these words talk about a mean person. In Jewish, a schmuck and a putz are both about stupid people. The difference is that a schmuck is out for number one, and a putz doesn’t know his kop from his tuches. The guy who cuts you off in traffic to get home 10 seconds earlier is a schmuck. The guy who races ahead to the stop light is a putz. That guy Spitzer, who was always thinking with his schlong — he’s a schmuck. That guy Weiner who was sending pictures of his schmekel over the texting — he’s a putz. Capisce?

So about this New York friend. He sounds like he says things he doesn’t understand. Maybe he pretends to be smarter than he is? You should be careful with your friends. A putz is harmless, but a schmuck can give you tsuris.

Now leave me alone.

–Uncle Max


Do you have a question for Uncle Max? PM me, and he’ll answer it if he feels like it.

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  1. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    I’m rolling on the floor here. Thanks for this.

    • #1
  2. skipsul Inactive
    skipsul
    @skipsul

    You need to put out a lexicon of Yiddish profanity too.  Multi-lingual swearing is fun.

    • #2
  3. Frank Soto Member
    Frank Soto
    @FrankSoto

    Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?

    • #3
  4. The King Prawn Inactive
    The King Prawn
    @TheKingPrawn

    Isn’t the Yiddish version spelled with an “a” vice and “o”?

    • #4
  5. Man With the Axe Inactive
    Man With the Axe
    @ManWiththeAxe

    Did you hear (the short version) about the fellow who, having had a vehicle break-down in the Negev Desert, came riding into Jerusalem on a camel. Later, in describing what happened to his wife, he had a hard time remembering many of the details of his experience, perhaps because of shock and dehydration. He couldn’t remember where he obtained the camel. Or whether it had one hump or two. But the one detail he was certain of was that the camel was male.

    “Why are you so sure about that?” she asked him.

    “Because as I rode into town I heard any number of people say, “Look at the schmuck on the camel.”

    • #5
  6. Son of Spengler Member
    Son of Spengler
    @SonofSpengler

    Frank Soto:Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?

    I thought Uncle Max answered that in the opening of his answer:

    Son of Spengler: He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about.

    • #6
  7. Mike Rapkoch Member
    Mike Rapkoch
    @MikeRapkoch

    This will be the funniest post of the year.

    • #7
  8. Frank Soto Member
    Frank Soto
    @FrankSoto

    Son of Spengler:

    Frank Soto:Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?

    I thought Uncle Max answered that in the opening of his answer:

    Son of Spengler: He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about.

    Ah.  Not sure how I could have misunderstood him there…

    • #8
  9. Fricosis Guy Listener
    Fricosis Guy
    @FricosisGuy

    This post was a schlong time coming.

    • #9
  10. MLH Inactive
    MLH
    @MLH

    Reminds me of this. The rules to which can be found here.

    • #10
  11. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    Brilliantly done!

    The brevity of this post demonstrates that size, in the end, is not important.

    • #11
  12. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    iWe:Brilliantly done!

    The brevity of this post demonstrates that size, in the end, is not important.

    Yep, size doesn’t matter, because in the end, you’re going to need some lube anyway.

    • #12
  13. Vance Richards Inactive
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    Son of Spengler: That guy Spitzer, who was always thinking with his schlong — he’s a schmuck. That guy Weiner who was sending pictures of his schlong over the texting — he’s a putz. Capisce?

    Growing up near NYC I picked up a lot of Italian and Yiddish expressions without ever realizing that they were not normal English expressions. So I knew the word “schlong” long before I ever knew what Yiddish was.

    On the news they bleeped out “schlong” because it was directed toward their Hillary. That surprised me because those were always the types of phrases we would use to avoid using words that would get bleeped (or get you slapped).

    • #13
  14. Son of Spengler Member
    Son of Spengler
    @SonofSpengler

    Vance Richards: On the news they bleeped out “schlong” because it was directed toward their Hillary. That surprised me because those were always the types of phrases we would use to avoid using words that would get bleeped (or get you slapped).

    (Or redacted for CoC violations….)

    • #14
  15. Podkayne of Israel Inactive
    Podkayne of Israel
    @PodkayneofIsrael

    “Farblunget”, not “farblungent”, I think.

    • #15
  16. Herbert Member
    Herbert
    @Herbert

    Arahant: Yep, size doesn’t matter, because in the end, you’re going to need some lube anyway.

    Is Santorum still around?  What a waste…

    • #16
  17. Son of Spengler Member
    Son of Spengler
    @SonofSpengler

    Podkayne of Israel:“Farblunget”, not “farblungent”, I think.

    Ack! Typo. Fixing right away.

    • #17
  18. Bob L Member
    Bob L
    @

    Son of Spengler: Also, why does Yiddish have so many different words for the same thing — schmuck, putz, schlong? How can I tell which one to use?

    –Midwestern Methodist

    You may refer to a putz as a schlong, but you must never refer to your schlong as a putz.

    • #18
  19. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    They promoted Uncle Max to the Main Feed?

    • #19
  20. Man With the Axe Inactive
    Man With the Axe
    @ManWiththeAxe

    Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line. One of the great golfers (Palmer or Nicklaus) was being discussed, and the guest said that he had heard that before each tournament the golfer’s wife kissed his balls for luck. Said Johnny, “That would keep his putts straight.”

    • #20
  21. Locke On Member
    Locke On
    @LockeOn

    Is Miracle Max a relation of yours?

    • #21
  22. Herbert Member
    Herbert
    @Herbert

    Man With the Axe: Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line.

    • #22
  23. Son of Spengler Member
    Son of Spengler
    @SonofSpengler

    skipsul:You need to put out a lexicon of Yiddish profanity too. Multi-lingual swearing is fun.

    For better or worse, neither Hebrew nor Yiddish has good profanity. Yiddish has some classic curses (e.g., “I hope all your teeth fall out except one, so you can get a toothache”) but few good interjections. In modern Hebrew, the common swear words are borrowed from Arabic.

    • #23
  24. skipsul Inactive
    skipsul
    @skipsul

    Son of Spengler: I hope all your teeth fall out except one, so you can get a toothache”

    I like that one.  Will have to remember it.

    • #24
  25. Whiskey Sam Inactive
    Whiskey Sam
    @WhiskeySam

    Oy vey

    • #25
  26. Son of Spengler Member
    Son of Spengler
    @SonofSpengler

    Whiskey Sam:Oy vey

    Well played, sir.

    • #26
  27. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    You mean like:

    May you be like a chandelier: Hang upside down all day, and burn all night.

    • #27
  28. Casey Inactive
    Casey
    @Casey

    Overheard outside Squirrel Hill diner:

    “Jeet yet?”

    “Nah, jew?”

    • #28
  29. Susan the Buju Contributor
    Susan the Buju
    @SusanQuinn

    How about, you should grow like an onion with your head in the ground!! (Heaven only knows what part of my brain released that beauty!)

    • #29
  30. Ray Kujawa Coolidge
    Ray Kujawa
    @RayKujawa

    Man With the Axe:Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line. One of the great golfers (Palmer or Nicklaus) was being discussed, and the guest said that he had heard that before each tournament the golfer’s wife kissed his balls for luck. Said Johnny, “That would keep his putts straight.”

    “Ever see a nine-iron?”

    • #30
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