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Ask Uncle Max: Schmuck, Putz, or Schlong?
Dear Uncle Max,
An old friend from New York was talking about a time I was cheated, and he said I got “schlonged.” Can you explain what that means? Also, why does Yiddish have so many different words for the same thing — schmuck, putz, schlong? How can I tell which one to use?
–Midwestern Methodist
Dear Midwestern Methodist,
He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about. It reminds me of that putz Macmillan who lived downstairs from us in Flatbush. He was always trying to show he knew Jewish words, and always getting them wrong. Once he told me his shiksas were in a knot because he was farblunget. Actually, you know what? Maybe he wasn’t so wrong.
Anyway, let’s start at the start. It’s not like English, where these words talk about a mean person. In Jewish, a schmuck and a putz are both about stupid people. The difference is that a schmuck is out for number one, and a putz doesn’t know his kop from his tuches. The guy who cuts you off in traffic to get home 10 seconds earlier is a schmuck. The guy who races ahead to the stop light is a putz. That guy Spitzer, who was always thinking with his schlong — he’s a schmuck. That guy Weiner who was sending pictures of his schmekel over the texting — he’s a putz. Capisce?
So about this New York friend. He sounds like he says things he doesn’t understand. Maybe he pretends to be smarter than he is? You should be careful with your friends. A putz is harmless, but a schmuck can give you tsuris.
Now leave me alone.
–Uncle Max
Do you have a question for Uncle Max? PM me, and he’ll answer it if he feels like it.
Published in General
I’m rolling on the floor here. Thanks for this.
You need to put out a lexicon of Yiddish profanity too. Multi-lingual swearing is fun.
Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?
Isn’t the Yiddish version spelled with an “a” vice and “o”?
Did you hear (the short version) about the fellow who, having had a vehicle break-down in the Negev Desert, came riding into Jerusalem on a camel. Later, in describing what happened to his wife, he had a hard time remembering many of the details of his experience, perhaps because of shock and dehydration. He couldn’t remember where he obtained the camel. Or whether it had one hump or two. But the one detail he was certain of was that the camel was male.
“Why are you so sure about that?” she asked him.
“Because as I rode into town I heard any number of people say, “Look at the schmuck on the camel.”
I thought Uncle Max answered that in the opening of his answer:
This will be the funniest post of the year.
Ah. Not sure how I could have misunderstood him there…
This post was a schlong time coming.
Reminds me of this. The rules to which can be found here.
Brilliantly done!
The brevity of this post demonstrates that size, in the end, is not important.
Yep, size doesn’t matter, because in the end, you’re going to need some lube anyway.
Growing up near NYC I picked up a lot of Italian and Yiddish expressions without ever realizing that they were not normal English expressions. So I knew the word “schlong” long before I ever knew what Yiddish was.
On the news they bleeped out “schlong” because it was directed toward their Hillary. That surprised me because those were always the types of phrases we would use to avoid using words that would get bleeped (or get you slapped).
(Or redacted for CoC violations….)
“Farblunget”, not “farblungent”, I think.
Is Santorum still around? What a waste…
Ack! Typo. Fixing right away.
You may refer to a putz as a schlong, but you must never refer to your schlong as a putz.
They promoted Uncle Max to the Main Feed?
Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line. One of the great golfers (Palmer or Nicklaus) was being discussed, and the guest said that he had heard that before each tournament the golfer’s wife kissed his balls for luck. Said Johnny, “That would keep his putts straight.”
Is Miracle Max a relation of yours?
For better or worse, neither Hebrew nor Yiddish has good profanity. Yiddish has some classic curses (e.g., “I hope all your teeth fall out except one, so you can get a toothache”) but few good interjections. In modern Hebrew, the common swear words are borrowed from Arabic.
I like that one. Will have to remember it.
Oy vey
Well played, sir.
You mean like:
May you be like a chandelier: Hang upside down all day, and burn all night.
Overheard outside Squirrel Hill diner:
“Jeet yet?”
“Nah, jew?”
How about, you should grow like an onion with your head in the ground!! (Heaven only knows what part of my brain released that beauty!)
“Ever see a nine-iron?”