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Ask Amelia: Handsome Fish Are Always On
It’s Friday, so it’s time once again for Amelia Hamilton to answer your most pressing questions about bumper stickers, online personae, and mirror images.
Does a person have to drive more courteously if he has a Jesus fish on his car? Asking for a friend. — Friend of Jesus Fish
Dear Fish Friend,
I’m afraid you (we all know it’s not your friend) will have to be courteous, yes. It is up to those with emblems on their cars to be ambassadors of those positions. I have to think about my “Avenge Me!” Reagan bumper sticker when I drive, and you’ll have to think about your fish. You won’t be perfect, but Jesus will forgive you.
How would Jesus drive?
For those of us who write for public consumption, there is a tendency to adopt a certain public persona. Most people are able to strike a balance, but some seem incapable and it’s exhausting. What’s the best way for dealing with somebody who is “always on?”
— Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’m not sure that’s exclusive to writers, as most people these days have an online persona. Health-nut (workout selfie!), supermom (my-kids-are-perfect selfie!), fashionista (#OOTD selfie!), etc. I think the best thing you can do is be real. It’s okay to remind people, in a funny, friendly way, that you know their real selves, and they don’t need to keep the show going for you. Some people, unfortunately, don’t know their real selves from their personas anymore. To them, I say, “bye, Felicia.”
Every day when I wake up, I scream “Hellooo, handsome!” at the mirror. I don’t really have a question, I am just telling you this.
— Mr. M
Good for you! But your poor neighbors.
Agree? Disagree? Have something to add? Leave a comment.
Want to submit a question? Tweet using #AskAmHam or email askamelia@mail.com.
Not sure how Jesus would drive, but I have a reasonably good idea of *what* he’d drive: a Chevy Silverado or a Ford F-150. Jesus was, after all, a carpenter by trade.
I’m a late riser, they are all at work….
Amelia Hamilton
” … has a Jesus fish on …”
Really? “Jesus fish”? Is that what it is called?
Perhaps an argument could be made for owning a Humvee covered with Hillary stickers and driving like a maniac. (Anyone at the RNC willing to finance this venture?)
Nah. He’d drive a stretch Honda Accord. The Bible said Jesus and his disciples left in one Accord.
Seawriter
A joke my brother told me:
Seawriter
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
How would Jesus drive?
Like his father was in heaven and the apocalypse was nigh.
Steer clear!
… ok remember … you asked for this …
An older person of the fair gender had a little parking lot “incident” but could not afford to make an insurance claim, so a friend put her in touch with a fellow who did body work on the side in his back yard. She agreed to his good price and he got to work.
All went well until the painting: He had only half as much pearl coat as the job required in a mostly-used can and didn’t want to lay out for more. So he thought, “meh! The old lady won’t know …” and added a bit of solvent to “stretch” it a bit. He painted, baked and buffed it in his driveway and was admiring his work when it began to rain. The colour began to run … he started to cover it up with a plastic sheet.
Just then lightning flashed nearby and a thundering voice spoke from the clouds …
You win.
LMAOOOOO!!
Hi-larry-us…