Are You A Helicopter Parent? — Merina Smith

 

American families have changed in the past 30 years. Parents are older and children are fewer. This combination of changes has led to a lot of parents who hover over their child’s every waking moment. They enroll their children in numerous lessons and activities, arrange play dates, help with homework, demand little by way of chores (but supervise what few chores they actually require), influence teachers and school administrators as much as possible on their child’s behalf, and continue this behavior into college. The charming designation “helicopter parents” has consequently entered the lexicon.  

As the mother of five children, I often felt guilty that I didn’t give my children enough time. I sometimes thought that I should be playing with them or supervising them instead of doing some necessary task. Parental confession: I can count on one hand the number of times I helped with homework. They were on their own in choosing their friends, and in a whole lot of other ways.  

I will admit, though, that I was a bit of a helicopter parent with regard to music. I spent countless hours at the piano with them, and many more nagging them to practice. With varying degrees of competence, they are all musicians and, I think, grateful for the training.  

We  are friends with family members of the very successful pitcher Roy Halladay. His parents recognized his athletic talent at an early age and systematically worked with him to develop his arm, get him coaches, etc. Needless to say, it paid off. He is known as a very disciplined pitcher who has worked very hard at his craft.  

Given examples like that, I do understand the need for some helicopter parenting. Kids don’t naturally have a lot of discipline in developing their talents. The idea is to figure out what those talents are and assist them in getting to the skill level where the activity itself is so rewarding that they push themselves to play harder music, throw a faster pitch, etc. 

I have known many parents over the years, most with one or two kids, who are full-blown helicopter parents. I remember one only child who took piano lessons with the same teacher as my kids. He was a talented boy, but played three instruments and took tennis and other lessons. Sometimes at recitals he’d play his piece and then fall asleep while the other kids played. I don’t think he got much downtime.  

With our large family, we had to be with our children mostly as a family instead of individually (music was an exception). We had dinner together every night, attended church together, and enjoyed playing games, hiking, and doing other family things. Two parents can’t hover over five children.  I sometimes wonder, though, if I would have hovered more if I only had one or two children. I suspect I would have.  

I don’t think all hovering is bad. But I do wonder what the right amount is and how parents figure that out. Sadly, parental wisdom frequently seems to come after the task is more or less completed.

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  1. user_131681 Member
    user_131681
    @JohnAPeabody

    I’m more concerned over the violent alternative- the Hindenberg Parent. It’s massive, and casts a huge shadow. It silently hovers nearby, and when you least suspect it, it explodes!

    • #1
  2. user_554634 Member
    user_554634
    @MikeRapkoch

    As a parent, and now a grandparent, I often wonder if we weren’t too protective. I watch my grandkids climb chairs, walk stairs, and run around oblivious of the dangers around them.I was especially protective of my kids when it comes to such things. I now realize, often nervously, that children need risk if they are to mature to the level that they not only succeed, but learn to take emotional risks like caring for other kids, helping the needy, and understanding the world. 
    As a kid, I was in many ways free to take risks. But things were different in my small hometown. For one thing, because everyone knew each other there was always some adult keeping an eye on us. There were a lot of kids around (big families in those days) ready to temper my enthusiasm. And we had plenty of time to just play. As I watch parents ferry their kids from activity to activity, I wonder whether things are too structured.

    • #2
  3. tabula rasa Inactive
    tabula rasa
    @tabularasa

    Yes, in the sense of having them involved in sports, dance, etc., etc.  Piano didn’t work out well, nor did the guitar or trumpet [bad music genes in the TR family].  Keeping kids busy to certain degree is a good thing.

    But not when it came to playing.  We had the great good fortune to live on a quiet suburban street filled with good people who had lots of kids.  No play dates for our children.  They sort of roamed up and down the street at will. [Those who condemn suburbia fail to see its advantages, this being one of them].

    I think we were more “fly-over” parents:  a quick fly-over every couple of hours or so to see if they were still alive.

    I grew up in a tiny little farming town (350 people).  After chores were done, my pals and I would roam over the town, usually with our BB guns in tow.  The only time my parents would get concerned is if we failed to show up about sundown.  Looking back on it, it was pretty idyllic.

    • #3
  4. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    What I find disturbing is the huge parenting gap that has evolved.  There are 350,000 children in foster care in the United States, and that does not include the newest group of homeless people to emerge and grow–children who have “aged out” of the system, sometimes as young as 15.  In Massachusetts alone here are 6,000 “unaccompanied minors” trying to finish high school.  Only God can help these children at this point–we’re not connecting with them, obviously, having missed our best opportunities to do so when they were in our public schools.  

    My daughter and son-in-law are truly perfect parents.  I can’t imagine what will become of my grandson’s peers who have so little to grow up with. 

    (I’m sorry for sounding so down.  We’ve got huge DCF problems in Massachusetts, and it’s been a rough month here.)

    • #4
  5. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    Ha–Hindenburg parents!  All of us succumb to that once in awhile!  

    Mike and TR–I agree–one of the problems now is that parents are rightly concerned that adults they trust aren’t always somewhere nearby as they used to be and so think they need to fulfill that role themselves.  We walked a middle ground in raising our kids.  We lived in a subdivision in a medium-sized Colorado town near Boulder.  We didn’t know all our neighbors by any means, but we knew a lot of them.  We had a school and a park near our home and felt safe allowing our kids to go there to play on their own.  They were often playing with their siblings, so I wasn’t overly concerned about “stranger danger” but it was still a concern.  I do think the breakdown of local community and churches present a problem for contemporary parents.  It’s harder to raise kids now.

    • #5
  6. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    Heartbreaking stuff, Marci.  I attended an event last week honoring women who have contributed to the community significantly, and one of them had started an organization to see to the needs of foster kids while they transition to adulthood.  Of all the women’s projects that were described that day, that was the one that sounded the most intriguing and important to me.  I found myself wondering how her organization works.  When I think how much our 18-25 year old kids have relied on us to provide support and stability while they got themselves settled in life…   It’s not only money, but it’s a place to go at Christmas and Thanksgiving, someone to call when you have a problem, someone to introduce your boyfriend to for a little feedback.  I can’t imagine trying to negotiate all this without a support system.

    • #6
  7. captainpower Inactive
    captainpower
    @captainpower

    Merina Smith: ne of the problems now is that parents are rightly concerned that adults they trust aren’t always somewhere nearby as they used to be and so think they need to fulfill that role themselves.

    Dennis Prager has talked about this a bit. He says to give Hillary Clinton  her due for her “It Takes a Village [to raise a child]” concept. It used to be that neighborhood kids would run around but any adult that saw them crossing a line could correct them.

    Ironically, the reliance parents used to have on each other has been replaced by distrust and overprotectiveness. “How dare you tell my child what to do.” When it used to be (from the stories I’ve heard anyway) “please, if you see my child misbehaving, smack him one, and let me know so I can give it to him again when he gets home.”

    • #7
  8. iWc Coolidge
    iWc
    @iWe

    I don’t hover, but my kids probably need more of me than they are getting. The oldest has been awarded a completely free ride to college – but he almost lost it because he did not *quite* finish the simple paperwork hurdles. 

    • #8
  9. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    CP–ain’t that the truth!  Parents are far more likely to take their child’s side now.  Parents do need to hear out the child’s side of the story because sometimes adults are in the wrong, but in an age of little princes and princesses, parents need to take care to have some perspective on their children.

    • #9
  10. Johnny Dubya Inactive
    Johnny Dubya
    @JohnnyDubya

    Merina, great post, but I do have some quibbles.

    It may have been for lack of space, but the explanation that older parents and fewer children has led to helicopter parenting (“HP”) is incomplete.  Other cultural forces had a role, for example, the great societal change of the ’60s led to an end of the “children should be seen, not heard” mindset.  Also, my generation (I was born in ’61) seems particularly nostalgic about our own childhoods.  Therefore, some parents have a strong impulse to live vicariously through their children and re-live their childhoods.  The adults today aren’t nearly as adult (and standoffish) as those of my parents’ generation.  And many in my generation, having achieved significant career success on the shoulders of the Greatest Generation, often strive mightily to ensure that their children attain the same socio-economic level.  All these factors have had a role in HP.

    (continued below)

    • #10
  11. Johnny Dubya Inactive
    Johnny Dubya
    @JohnnyDubya

    (continued from above)

    Also, I disagree that if parents merely “enroll their children in numerous lessons and activities, arrange play dates, [or] help with homework”, this constitutes HP.  My son, for example, is currently playing soccer, baseball, and basketball all at the same time–because he desperately wants to.  That doesn’t make me guilty of HP, a defining characteristic of which, in my opinion, is scheduling activities with little or no regard for the child’s desires.

    • #11
  12. Frozen Chosen Inactive
    Frozen Chosen
    @FrozenChosen

    My theory is that the baby boomers (I’m on tale end of that generation) learned to be independent growing up because parents of the greatest generation were definitely not helicopter parents.  Learning to be independent can be a great asset, in my view, as you learn to do things on your own and can become quite accomplished in many ways. 

    However, the downside of all these independent BBs is that they have the bad parenting habit of doing everything for their children which robs them of independence.  I include myself in this group; whether I am a natural know-it-all or became that way because of my independence growing up, I have robbed my children of the opportunity to become more independent than they are because I told them what to do rather than letting them figure things out for themselves.

    Given the difficulty many Millenials have in navigating life, I don’t think I’m alone in my parenting shortcomings.

    • #12
  13. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    Merina Smith:

    Heartbreaking stuff, Marci. I attended an event last week honoring women who have contributed to the community significantly, and one of them had started an organization to see to the needs of foster kids while they transition to adulthood. Of all the women’s projects that were described that day, that was the one that sounded the most intriguing and important to me. I found myself wondering how her organization works. When I think how much our 18-25 year old kids have relied on us to provide support and stability while they got themselves settled in life… It’s not only money, but it’s a place to go at Christmas and Thanksgiving, someone to call when you have a problem, someone to introduce your boyfriend to for a little feedback. I can’t imagine trying to negotiate all this without a support system.

     Exactly my feelings.  Exactly. 

    • #13
  14. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    Johnny–Interesting points!  I’ll have to think through the historical patterns that led to the helicopter parent phenomenon.  I still think it is largely related to older parents and smaller families, though I do think that our parents’ generation–you are a bit younger than I–came out of the trauma of the Depression and WWII and wanting to return to normalcy and create a haven for the children that they had dreamed about giving a peaceful, normal, prosperous existence. They were able to do that too, what with Europe being in such bad shape and American factories churning out goods that were wanted all over the world.  Everybody was able to make a good life for themselves and their kids, even with a factory job.  Divorce was also much less common, which added to the prosperity, stability and happiness of family.  The GI bill also made education much more accessible. We certainly didn’t have the kind of accumulation of goods that kids have now, but we had a lot of comforts by the standards of what our parents had in their Depression childhoods.  So I think in their way, they spoiled us.

    • #14
  15. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    Boomers were told when we were childbearing age that we had to be concerned about overpopulation.  I never took that to heart, but I know a lot of people who did.  I could see that this greatly contributed to HP in my friends who had small families.  It’s hard to help because ultimately kids are the most important thing in our lives.  Still, I know a lot of parents with one or two children who didn’t hover.  One of my daughters has an only-child friend who practically became part of our family.  Her parents were never hoverers, though they did treat her a bit like an adult at a young age.  I think such parents often have to make a conscious effort not to hover.  

    Your son’s sports example is like my kids and music.  You figure out where your child’s talents lie and help them pursue that, especially encouraging them to make it their own thing.  It’s the ones who have their kids do music, sports, art, dance, drama, etc.  that are HP.

    • #15
  16. user_240173 Member
    user_240173
    @FrankSoto

    As long as they are not black helicopters…

    • #16
  17. Leigh Inactive
    Leigh
    @Leigh

    We still have both extremes.  There’s the parent who does everything for their child, including their homework.  There’s also the parent who is completely uninvolved — who drops the child off at school, picks them up at 5:30, and plops them in front of the TV.  The latter phenomenon is even more destructive.

    Really, it’s a balance, which means knowing your kids and their environment.  They are unique — they need different levels of involvement, often at different stages in their lives, and there is no prescription.

    • #17
  18. Johnny Dubya Inactive
    Johnny Dubya
    @JohnnyDubya

    Frank Soto:

    As long as they are not black helicopters…

     Ha!  Yes, the Black-Helicopter Parent is not an African-American helicopter parent but rather one who inserts a tracking device under the skin of his child, hacks into the school’s computer network to make sure his child gets the classes she wants, and sees to it that those who have bullied his child are mysteriously arrested on trumped-up charges.

    • #18
  19. Johnny Dubya Inactive
    Johnny Dubya
    @JohnnyDubya

    I was told that there would be overpopulation, a new ice age, and total depletion of petroleum resources. I imagined starving and freezing in the dark, with a whole lot of other people. Though parts of the world are certainly crowded, this doomsday scenario never came to pass.  These assertions, having represented scientific consensus in various fields, have made me an AGW skeptic–excuse me–“denier.”

    • #19
  20. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    Leigh:

    We still have both extremes. There’s the parent who does everything for their child, including their homework. There’s also the parent who is completely uninvolved — who drops the child off at school, picks them up at 5:30, and plops them in front of the TV. The latter phenomenon is even more destructive.

    Really, it’s a balance, which means knowing your kids and their environment. They are unique — they need different levels of involvement, often at different stages in their lives, and there is no prescription.

     Leigh, I have a theory that youngest children–cabooses in big families–are either neglected or babied.  My youngest was indulged and babied by the whole family, but I’ve known a few in big families that never saw Santa or the Easter Bunny because Mom and Dad were just too tired by the time they came along to bother!  

    • #20
  21. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    Johnny Dubya:

    I was told that there would be overpopulation, a new ice age, and total depletion of petroleum resources. I imagined starving and freezing in the dark, with a whole lot of other people. Though parts of the world are certainly crowded, this doomsday scenario never came to pass. These assertions, having represented scientific consensus in various fields, have made me an AGW skeptic–excuse me–”denier.”

     Me too, JD!  Whenever I hear a climate alarmist going on about global warming or whatever, I think about being told a new ice age was coming.  The best science had confirmed it.  It was on the cover of several major magazines.  Now we’re worried about depopulation instead of overpopulation.  Let’s face it, as humans  we aren’t very good at predicting these larger trends.  This theoretically should make us humble.

    • #21
  22. DocJay Inactive
    DocJay
    @DocJay

    We try to balance out attention with letting them become their own person.  Great topic.   I’ve seen so much neglect it’s heartbreaking but the helicopter parents are so darn annoying.   The kids they make have poor coping skills.   
    I  had my 19 yr old at the gym today and was giving him some advice on technique and then held off on advice on how he was driving my car.   I was contemplating this very topic and where the balance should be as my white knuckles were betraying me.  Don’t hover, don’t hover Jay, oh God put brakes on Nick, stop.   Dont speak Jay, let it pass, he knows he was going too fast, no need to talk, he’s a man now, might die for his country, don’t baby him.  God why can’t he slow down.  
    I passed my driving test and kept my mouth shut.

    • #22
  23. Leigh Inactive
    Leigh
    @Leigh

    Merina Smith:

     

    Leigh, I have a theory that youngest children–cabooses in big families–are either neglected or babied. My youngest was indulged and babied by the whole family, but I’ve known a few in big families that never saw Santa or the Easter Bunny because Mom and Dad were just too tired by the time they came along to bother!

     In my large family, the older siblings gradually took voluntary responsibility for passing down most family traditions to younger siblings.  Otherwise some things would have dropped, but our parents had succeeded in developing a value for those traditions and a strong enough family that we cared — they were still important to us as teenagers, and Little Brother and Sister had to have certain experiences — they were part of growing up in the ____ family.  

    We definitely tended towards the “babied” end.  Littlest seems to be turning out OK, though, and seems to have learned much from older siblings’ life experiences.

    • #23
  24. Leigh Inactive
    Leigh
    @Leigh

    DocJay:

     I was contemplating this very topic and where the balance should be as my white knuckles were betraying me. Don’t hover, don’t hover Jay, oh God put brakes on Nick, stop. Dont speak Jay, let it pass, he knows he was going too fast, no need to talk…

     That’s the key — if he didn’t know you’d say something!

    • #24
  25. Mama Toad Member
    Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    The night before my first day of all-day kindergarten, my mother took me aside. “Honey,” she said, “we’re so proud of you. You are getting to be so big! And I want you to know that every night before school, you need to make your own lunch, because you’ll need it for school.”
    For all my years of schooling, my mother never once made my lunch for me. She never drove me to school if I missed the bus. She always let me know she loved me, but her job was not to live my life. I had clearly defined responsibilities, and personal consequences if I failed to meet my duties. 
    Her job was to provide the ingredients for school lunches: lots of brown paper sacks, plastic sandwich bags, loaf after loaf of bread (like her daughter, my mother had six children), cold cuts, tuna fish during Lent, peanut butter and jelly, apples, and lots of Freihoffer’s chocolate chip cookies.
    My job was prep.
    My mother is a fantastic role model, and I try to emulate her in this as well as many other things.

    • #25
  26. Mama Toad Member
    Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    As a homeschooling parent, however, I am very involved in the school work of my children, especially the younger ones. So it can be hard to determine whether I am being too smothering or merely giving needed help, or if I am being neglectful and even slightly cruel or merely making sure they can stand on their own two feet.
    I am the schoolmarm, taskmistress, critiquer, snuggler, and cheerleader, which can be contradictory and hard to juggle sometimes.
    One thing I never ever do, however, is sign my children up for a class with someone else and then sit in on the whole class. 
    My son was in a swim class with a girl whose mother insisted on being physically present and participatory in each and every class. As a teacher I can say that most of the time, parents are a distraction. If you’ve hired me to teach your child, go off and let me do it. Unless it is a Mommy and Me style class, your little darling does not need you here. Begone.

    • #26
  27. user_517406 Inactive
    user_517406
    @MerinaSmith

    DocJay:

    We try to balance out attention with letting them become their own person. Great topic. I’ve seen so much neglect it’s heartbreaking but the helicopter parents are so darn annoying. The kids they make have poor coping skills. I had my 19 yr old at the gym today and was giving him some advice on technique and then held off on advice on how he was driving my car. I was contemplating this very topic and where the balance should be as my white knuckles were betraying me. Don’t hover, don’t hover Jay, oh God put brakes on Nick, stop. Dont speak Jay, let it pass, he knows he was going too fast, no need to talk, he’s a man now, might die for his country, don’t baby him. God why can’t he slow down. I passed my driving test and kept my mouth shut.

     Teaching kids to drive is worse than potty training.  

    • #27
  28. Mama Toad Member
    Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    Merina Smith:

    DocJay:

    We try to balance out attention with letting them become their own person. Great topic. I’ve seen so much neglect it’s heartbreaking but the helicopter parents are so darn annoying. The kids they make have poor coping skills. I had my 19 yr old at the gym today and was giving him some advice on technique and then held off on advice on how he was driving my car. I was contemplating this very topic and where the balance should be as my white knuckles were betraying me. Don’t hover, don’t hover Jay, oh God put brakes on Nick, stop. Dont speak Jay, let it pass, he knows he was going too fast, no need to talk, he’s a man now, might die for his country, don’t baby him. God why can’t he slow down. I passed my driving test and kept my mouth shut.

    Teaching kids to drive is worse than potty training.

     The stakes are so much higher. Good Lord, protect us and our babies on the roads.

    • #28
  29. user_407430 Member
    user_407430
    @RachelLu

    Not helicopter. Might tend towards the other end (not neglect I don’t think, but overindulgence). Although, given that my kids are young, I might “neglect” them too in terms of not being cautious enough; it’s so hard to know with small kids! How many seconds can they be out of your sight without you needing to make sure they’re not trying to climb onto the roof, or something?

    • #29
  30. user_358258 Inactive
    user_358258
    @RandyWebster

    My daughter (who’s 33, so she may have come along before HP was popular) recently told me that she and her brother had idyllic childhoods.  We lived on about 7 acres, and they had the run of it.  We treated them the same way I was treated when I was little:  “Be home in time for dinner.”

    • #30
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