Jodie-Foster-Golden-Globe-by-Handout-Getty.jpg

The Week in Review — January 20, 2013

– The good news for the CIA from this year’s Golden Globes ceremony: Jessica Chastain won a best actress award for her portrayal of an agency analyst in “Zero Dark Thirty.” The bad news: even Langley doesn’t have any analysts capable of figuring out what the hell Jodie Foster was talking about.

– Coca-Cola announced that it would embrace a deeper sense of social consciousness by rolling out a television ad highlighting the dangers of obesity. Never missing a chance to exploit an opening in the cola wars, Pepsi quickly reached out to the abandoned demographic with an ad campaign entitled “Drink up, Tubby!”

– The National Rifle Association came under fire for releasing a gun safety app allowing players to simulate using a handgun at a firing range. Industry experts referred to it as the most controversial advocacy group video game since GLAAD’s “Non-Heteronormative Donkey Kong.”

– In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, famed cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to participating in an elaborate, international web of deception that allowed him to use illegal performance-enhancing drugs, even to the point of tampering with his own blood. And yet, somehow, cycling is still boring.

– In a devastating development from the world of college football, it was revealed that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o had spent the past season starring in an M. Night Shyamalan film.

– It was widely reported that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told an audience at the University of Michigan on Monday that he would support abolishing the debt ceiling. Less widely reported was his follow-up, “What do you care? We’re all going to be trading clamshells and eating each other in three years anyway.”

– Conservatives were whipped into a frenzy over President Obama’s decision to be accompanied onstage by children while proposing new gun control measures. The White House struck back at accusations that the kids were used as pawns, with a spokesman indignantly noting, “Those were not props – that was the Council of Economic Advisors!”

– Advice columnist Pauline Phillips, known to millions as “Dear Abby,” died on Wednesday at the age of 94, leaving fortune cookies and Ouija boards as the leading sources of your sister-in-law’s terrible relationship choices.

– Sarah Tressler, a Houston Chronicle journalist who was fired last year after it came to light that she also works as a stripper, was reportedly hired by the San Antonio Express-News. We regret her decision to return to a life of sin.

  1. dash

    We all seem to be getting those last few laughs out while there’s still time.

  2. Mollie Hemingway
    C

    You make the week sound so much better than it was! Also, I am stealing this Dear Abby line. I was aghast at all the tributes to her I saw among those people who, well, don’t make very good life decisions.

  3. FloppyDisk90

    Hey, I live in SA.  I take that last one personally.

  4. Tommy De Seno
    C

    My vote shouldn’t count because I have to admit to a disqualifying bias:  I’m a big Jodie Foster fan.

    I like her speech, particularly that part which she kept unmentionable, and the next day took alot of flack from certain groups for not saying the words.

    Jodie’s life in that regard has not been a secret, as no one as famous as she could keep it secret.

    But I applaud her loudly for making the point that she doesn’t have to say it loud and proud -  ever.   It’s her private life and she doesn’t owe us that.

    Don’t you wish others thought the same way?  That they didn’t make a point of being loud about it?

  5. Mollie Hemingway
    C
    Tommy De Seno: My vote shouldn’t count because I have to admit to a disqualifying bias:  I’m a big Jodie Foster fan.

    I like her speech, particularly that part which she kept unmentionable, and the next day took alot of flack from certain groups for not saying the words.

    Jodie’s life in that regard has not been a secret, as no one as famous as her could keep it secret.

    But I applaud her loudly for making the point that she doesn’t have to say it loud and proud -  ever.   It’s her private life and she doesn’t owes us that.

    Don’t you wish others thought the same way?  That they didn’t make a point of being loud about it? · 1 minute ago

    Edited 0 minutes ago

    I could not agree with you more. Thanks for saying it. She’s gorgeous and I loved what she said.

  6. Troy Senik, Ed.
    C
    FloppyDisk90: Hey, I live in SA.  I take that last one personally. · 2 hours ago

    FD90,

    San Antonio is a great city (my favorite in Texas). The target of the joke was the journalism profession, not the city.

  7. EJHill
    Troy Senik, Ed. The target of the joke was the journalism profession, not the city. · 17 minutes ago

    Maybe you missed this part of the story, but the really, really, really stupid part of this story: Her new employer is her old employer. Both papers are owned by Hearst.

  8. Whiskey Sam

    In a surprise move, the Cleveland Browns just announced they are hiring the Harbaughs’ sister Joani as their head coach.

  9. wilber forge

    About all the evils of video games. Seems the Military likes those skilled at it to pilot those nifty drones from afar. Not to speak of the the fact video tech is used to train soldiers in warfare. Interesting to consider.

  10. FloppyDisk90
    Troy Senik, Ed.

    FloppyDisk90: Hey, I live in SA.  I take that last one personally. · 2 hours ago

    FD90,

    San Antonio is a great city (my favorite in Texas). The target of the joke was the journalism profession, not the city. · 1 hour ago

    Shoulda put a smiley behind my post…no offense taken!  :)

  11. EJHill

    Does anybody think that’s really going to work?

    Cola.jpg

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