– In response to public skepticism about President Obama’s recent claim that he regularly goes skeet shooting while at Camp David, the White House on Friday released a photograph of the president in the act of firing a shotgun at the Maryland retreat. The controversy continued, however, when it was revealed that the photo had been cropped to conceal the image of Joe Biden downrange.
– The Boy Scouts of America announced that it may begin allowing local chapters to lift their prohibitions on gay scout masters and members. It is not yet known exactly what effect the shift would have on the day-to-day operations of the groups, though it is widely anticipated that merit badges will be added for interior design, theme parties, and table talk.
– It was reported this week that First Lady Michelle Obama has abandoned her “Let’s Move” campaign, emphasizing the benefits of healthy eating and physical fitness. In keeping with the new tone of the president’s second term, a new iteration of the program is expected to be introduced with the title, “Fine, Sit on Your Fat Ass. What Do I Care?”
– A new study from the Smithsonian revealed that outdoor cats are responsible for the deaths of up to 20.7 billion mammals a year. Upon hearing the news, U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice immediately began a whisper campaign alleging that packs of Himalayans have been stalking the Benghazi area.
– Public criticism grew over a lack of media scrutiny for New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez, who is accused of traveling to the Dominican Republic for trysts with young prostitutes. Conservative critics called Menendez “dishonest”, family values groups decried him as “morally suspect,” and former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer criticized him as “insufficiently imaginative.”
– A survey by the Public Religion Research Institute revealed that 27 percent of sports fans believe that God plays a role in determining which team wins. The other 73 percent live in Cleveland.
– On Wednesday, the New York Times revealed that its computers had been repeatedly targeted by hackers likely associated with the Chinese government. A national security official who wished to remain anonymous noted, “This is not nearly as big a deal as many outlets are making it out to be. The Chinese government was simply doing what thousands of Americans do every day — attempting to cancel a Times subscription.”
– Reports out of Moscow disclosed that President Vladimir Putin is attempting to combat faltering Russian fertility by staging a February concert featuring the R&B group Boyz II Men. Demographic experts speculated that the concert would set birth rates surging in 1994.
– In a variation on the famous “3 AM Call” from the 2008 presidential campaign, Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel was repeatedly awakened by tough foreign policy questions in the midst of his confirmation hearings.