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The Week in Review — February 10, 2013

– Attendees and viewers of Super Bowl XLVII were caught by surprise when a 35-minute power outage plunged large portions of New Orleans’ Superdome into darkness in the midst of the game’s second half. The moment was embarrassing both for the City of New Orleans and for the Obama Administration, which reflexively approved $535 million in loan guarantees for the Superdome.

– In a rare moment of comity in the Middle East, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he hopes to be the first Iranian in space, to which the Israel Defense Forces replied, “Give us three or four months.”

– Newly installed Secretary of State John Kerry announced that he will be signing his tweets “JK”, so that his Twitter followers will know they’re coming directly from him. The practice is considered newsworthy primarily because of the contrast with the way that Kerry signs his checks: “Theresa”

– The Center for Economic Policy and Research, a liberal think tank, released a study claiming that the U.S. should adopt a European employment model—reducing the amount of time people spend working—in order to combat global warming. Asked to comment, President Obama was quoted as saying “Way ahead of you.”

– It was announced mid-week that Fox News would not be renewing political consultant Dick Morris’s contract to be a contributor for the network. Seasoned observers of Morris’s work noted that they had been anticipating the move ever since Morris announced the release of his book “Why Fox News Will Never Fire Me.”

– Rumors began circulating early in the week that Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano may be entertaining thoughts of pursuing the presidency in 2016. Seasoned political analysts noted the historic possibilities if Napolitano runs in a field that also includes former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, declaring that no previous presidential race would have “so precisely replicated the factors that made your college English Department a living hell.”

– The North Korean government released a propaganda video this week depicting the detonation of a nuclear weapon in the United States set to the tune of “We are the World.” Veteran observers of the situation cautioned against reading too much into the film, remarking that the threat only marginally increases the anticipated fatalities resulting from a Michael Jackson-Lionel Richie collaboration.

– It was revealed late in the week that a hacker had accessed the e-mail accounts of several members of the Bush family, allowing him to publicize private messages and self-portraits that former President George W. Bush had painted of himself bathing. Privacy advocates called the breach “invasive,” media critics criticized distribution of the material as “in questionable taste,” and former President Bill Clinton derided the self-portraits as “disappointingly tame compared to what’s on my Instagram account.”

– New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went on the offensive against former White House doctor Connie Mariana, who called Christie’s weight a “ticking time bomb” in comments to CNN. Christie shot back that Mariana was a “hack” and “probably delicious with a hickory glaze”

– Jon Favreau, chief speechwriter to President Barack Obama, announced that he will be leaving the White House in March, becoming the second Obama speechwriter to pursue a screenwriting career in Hollywood. Meanwhile, former George W. Bush speechwriter Troy Senik typed up “The Week in Review” in track pants and a hoodie, sobbing quietly over his meal of corn nuts and Milwaukee’s Best.

  1. tabula rasa

    The last item is a classic.  Corn nuts for breakfast.  No one can say you’re not living the good life.

  2. dash

    Well, you’ve got us in stitches and that’s worth Transformers 5 writing credits, at the very least.

  3. Elizabeth Van Horn

    Oh, you’re good. 

  4. KC Mulville

    In other items of note, this is the first full week that Hillary Clinton has no official authority whatsoever, marking the first time since 1992 that neither of the Clintons held office.

    I don’t have a snarky comment. I’m just enjoying the fact.

  5. Frederick Key

    The Dick Morris gag alone is better than anything any of Obama’s speechwriters have ever churned out. Tell Rob you’re looking to get in on the big-time TBS money.

  6. Indaba

    Chris Christie one is a fem,

  7. Koblog

    Dr. Benjamin Carson of Johns Hopkins schooled President Obama at the Prayer Breakfast on how actually to supply health care to America. CNN had an attack of the vapors. Nobody talks to Obama like that and lives.

  8. flownover

    No doubt Favreau has been inspired by the breakout comedy hit “Identity Theft “. Proving the theory that crime can be an inspiration to a party functionary.

  9. Ron Selander

    Did you get the breakfast idea from Hawkeye Pierce’s breakfast of Rice Krispies and beer?

  10. Palaeologus

    Must’ve run out of Funyuns, huh Troy?

    Don’t obsess man, nobody named “Jon Favreau” could make it in Hollywood anyhow.

  11. Pilli

    As homer Simpson would say, “Beeeerrrr.”

    It is the breakfast of champions you know.

  12. Jimmy Carter

    The practice is considered newsworthy primarily because of the contrast with the way that Kerry signs his checks: “Theresa”

    That cracked Me up. From half-court… nothing but net.

  13. Palaeologus
    tabula rasa: The last item is a classic.  Corn nuts for breakfast.  No one can say you’re not living the good life. · 4 hours ago

    Corn nuts for breakfast means a hat for a shower.

  14. Dave Carter
    C

    Milwaukee’s Best? I had no idea things were so desperate. You must have been out of furniture polish too, no? Tell ya what, Troy. If we ever meet, I’ll bring the NyQuil, okay? I just bought a batch of it to try and shake this cough and cold, and I’m pretty sure I’ll have some extra, “…for just such an emergency.”

  15. Duane Oyen

    Don’t worry Troy, all you need to do is get your own publicity photo, just like this one.

    You’ll be hired instantly to do the Captain America sequel.  If you can get EJ Hill to Photoshop in Sarah Palin’s face, they’ll give you a Spielberg script to write.

  16. Douglas

    Of course, now we know who was responsible for the Super Bowl blackout.

  17. OSweet

    Bravo. More like this!

    (Also I wonder if this sort of thing could be a daily feature. Too much for one busy man to produce, sure. So have funny content contributed by members in an open thread setup. E.g. provide, for about 5-10 news items, the first line, i.e. the straight. Then have users in the comments come up with the funny for the second line. At the end of the day have an editor choose the best, and post it in finalized form, like we see here.)

  18. Bereket Kelile

    I read somewhere that the folks at the Superdome have decided to renovate the lighting system given the obvious issues with the current Clapper system. 

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